Finding Him
Chapter 7 : Lost
by : Sakeena deathstalkker@yahoo.com
Legal disclaimers apply to all anime.
The days that followed were one of the lowest parts of my life. I left Ran's house. I no longer had the face to see him again. And I knew he no longer wanted to see my face. Ever again.
I had nowhere to go. Not my house. Not the temple. Not the flower shop. After I got into my male black suit and beret, I just skipped from one bar to another. The bars became my home. I drank a lot. Whores flirted with me. They thought I was a man. I didn't bother correct them. I went to the darkest place I know of where the darkest creatures dwelled. Creatures like me. That way, I won't have to be afraid of killing when I knew was killing those who deserved to be killed.
I had no one. I lost my father. I lost Amaru. I lost my friends. My students. I lost Ran.
I had lost everything.
Even lost my invader.
The visions no longer haunted me. Just when I needed it. I will do anything to have to dream of flowers, of Ran making love with me or of anything else rather than of the harsh reality. For once, I realized what a blessing it was to have those visions.
I found a substitute though. One time as I sat drinking in a bar, somebody came up to me and offered me something.
Marijuana.
I knew it was some kind of a drug. Illegal. For criminals. Criminals like me. I knew I'll see visions. I knew I'll feel better temporarily. I knew I'll kill myself. That was why I took it.
Those days..they were darker than what I had imagined. But I fit in with these people. I knew I was not staining anything. Because everything about them was stained.
I didn't know for how many days I was so lost. I had given up everything. Those were the times I would wake up to find myself in the sidewalk. Luckily, I never really got into other troubles. Nobody tried beating me up or even touching me. They all think I was a man. A deranged pathetic man. I lost all my money. Much worse, I was addicted to the drug. Curse the one who offered it to me. He was a dealer. And after I got addicted to it, he wanted me to buy it. The idiot. He was talking like a salesman all of a sudden and even asked me of the law of supply and demand. Damn him. I picked a fight with him and some other lunatics like me who wanted to get it for free helped me and he ended up almost killed. The Ryuugasaki technique was a lot helpful than I imagined.
My name was fighting the way up to the worst, to be the King of Hell. Of course. I didn't know the guy worked for an underground syndicate and whoever messed with the guy messed with the syndicate. I didn't know about those stuffs. I was in reality, just a newbie. But no one knew that. I befriended no one. No one could come closer to me. The fist became a close associate of mine. Including marijuana of course.
Nobody knew my real identity. I was just known as the crackpot or something like that. A notorious martial artist. I live in the shadows of darkness. What a dissolute life I lived! I drank, slept somewhere, and I could no longer recall if I ate meals. But I knew I took the drug. I would kill to get some.
I didn't know what I looked like. It felt like I hadn't bathed for years. All I wore was my male black suit. It was something I never lost and it will never leave me all alone.
After some time of disappearance, the drug dealer came back. He brought with him two friends over. But that didn't scare me. I was afraid of no one. Not even myself anymore.
It turned out that one of his comrades is someone I knew. And she recognized me. I was too crazed to remember her.
That time I was too deranged to save myself. But she saved me. Erinko, the traitor. So the Inoue syndicate was backing up the blasted guy. The fucking Inoue syndicate.
She brought me over to where she and Yoji were staying in the middle of the night. Erinko was a tall, though no taller than I was, with a good slender physique , a long dark hair and mesmerizing eyes and little mole beneath her lips. She was beautiful. As an angel .maybe she was indeed my angel.
She and Yoji Kudou were living together, happily ever after.
They stayed in some kind of studio type condo. Or an apartment. Just a little one but just enough for the two of them. One king size bed, three couches , a tv, a radio, a ref, counter, a dining table, cupboards and cabinets. It was all messed up but pretty cozy. At least it was home for them both. Yoji when we arrived was half naked if it weren't for the boxer shorts he was wearing was still in bed
"So..you're the so-called Scourge of God," Kudou greeted me sleepily as I went in their house. Or rather as Erinko dragged me in the house.
"Scourge of what?" I muffled. My speech had become quite slurred. Erinko slumped me down on one of their couches.
I fell asleep right there and then. When I woke up in the middle of the night, I was wearing Erinko's clothes and a blanket was draped over me. On to the other side in the bed was Yoji and Erinko, sleeping soundly in each other's arms.
Happily ever after.
That morning they tried talking to me as Yoji and I sat down while Erinko cooked. I learned some of what happened.
Fujimiya Aya was still not found. Ohno Yuki was rescued. Tomoe Sakura was still unconscious in the hospital.
And what about Ran? I asked to myself mentally.
Kudou seemed to have read it. "Oh, Aya," he went on referring to Ran. "He's still bent over to searching for his sister. Pretty much the same. Looks burned up half the time, especially after what happened to Sakura and then you."
I looked at him, confused. He went on, lighting a cigarette. "Yeah. Though he didn't want to show if, it's pretty obvious. Your loss affected him so much. "
It was then I realized Ran had never told anybody about what I did to Sakura. From Kudou's narration, Ran simply told them Sakura was attacked by some deranged freaks for no apparent reason. I wondered why he didn't tell them I did it.
"I feel sorry for him," Erinko said, placing her cooking on the table and sitting down next to Kudou. "He's lost all the women he's loved." And she eyed me meaningfully.
I didn't know what the meant. Probably she knew I almost killed Sakura.
Basically , in simple words, they forced me to stay with them. Though I refused and would have loved to stop them, I was too weak to drive my own life. I guess I should be thanking them. Finally I agreed to, making them promise not to tell anybody else I was with them. The upright wanted me as well as the evil.
But that was not one of the main reasons. I was addicted to the drug and I thought I could get something out of two working pals.
I stayed just at their place. Taking my drug, sleeping, drinking. One of the main effects of marijuana was my increase in appetite, now that I had something to eat.
The couple did not want me take the drug. So it was a secret. But they knew my situation.
One time, Kudou found my close associate. And angrily, he demanded what it was, showing to me.
"What do you think it is?" I snapped, lighting up a cigarette. "Marijuana of course." I sank down to the couch.
He grabbed the cigarette and pulled me up, shoving it to my face. "I want you to stop using this, you hear!"
"I will do what I want to when I want to!" I cried angrily. The line suddenly stopped me and I stared blankly in space. Yoji slapped my face with the back of his hand. I was just so vulnerable.
Then my drugged self returned and I pulled my arm from Yoji, standing up.
But Kudou never stopped trying to talk me out of it. He gave me two choices : stay with the drug or stay with them. Foolishly I chose the drug. It was over, and I will have to leave the house. Though I threatened, it took me some time to make myself leave. Erinko was frantic in learning about it, but Yoji tried stopping her from stopping me.
In truth, I decided to commit suicide. I was too addicted I was out of myself. Too much shame.. Too dirty..Too evil..
The night I left the couple in my male black suit, I walked and walked with no specific destination in my head. I crossed the roads without bothering to look both sides, not even in the pedestrian lane. Hard to believe, but I was sane, all along.
The thought of suicide became so vivid as I walked at the bridge, adjoining what was separated by a huge body of water. I could drown in that , no doubt. I began to laugh. Laugh hard as I climbed up the railing to jump.
Some people began to look at me and shout cries. I turned but a deaf ear on them.
But something stopped me. At the corner of my eyes, I saw something quite familiar. Someone from the old days.
April 2000 © Sakeena