October 26, 2001

Week 30

We can't give our children the future, strive though we may to make it secure. But we can give them the present. ~Kathleen Norris

I can't believe I'm going to be your mother. That word scares the hell out of me. Mother. I'm going to be responsible for someone's life other than my own. I'm going to be the mother of twins. Twins lives in my hands. I am scared as hell.

What if I turn out to be like Maggie? I suppose that is my greatest fear. Things could get really stressful from me and I'll snap. I'll just snap like a twig and be like my mother. She was never a mother to me. I can't think like this. I don't have the disease. I am normal.

This whole thing is still so very strange to me and it's almost over. Feeling you growing inside of me is such a surreal feeling. Feeling you kick, feeling you play, feeling you get the hiccups...Those are so amazing. I have two little lives inside of me.

I never wanted to be a mother. I never wanted to be a wife and here I am a mother and a wife. I am looking forward to the day I give birth to you. I know there will be pain, but I know when I hold you for the first time. Nothing else will matter but the two of you. I have been in the room for many deliveries, but I know it'll be different when it's me.

This whole thing is still so overwhelming. I thought I'd get into the swing of things, but I was wrong. Everything is still so very confusing. I know that will never stop. I know even after the two of you move out, I'll still be confused and worried. It's a maternal thing I think.

What are my dreams for you? That's a tough one. Of course I would want you to be rich and successful but not if you were miserable. I want you to be happy. If you're happy being a garbage man or if you're happy being a high profile lawyer then go for it. I want you to follow your dreams. My dream used to be not to be like Maggie. My dream now is for the two of you to be happy.

I just can't believe I'm going to be a mother of two beautiful children. Seeing you on the ultrasound sends shivers up my spine. I can tell your father is just as excited as I am.

It's hard for me sometimes to think about his previous family because I know it hurt him a lot to loose then, but I hope I can alleviate some of that pain. I hope when he sees the two of you, he'll remember why he was put on this earth. He'll be a great Father. I just know he'll be.

Abby glanced over at Luka from the computer. He was sitting in bed reading a book. She smiled sweetly and turned back to the computer.

"Luka?" She said spell checking her page. He glanced up from the pages.

"Do you need help back to bed?" Abby chuckled softly.

"In a second." She said, "What's going through you're head right now?"

"Well, I really hope that Charles doesn't turn out to be the killer, but I think he will be. Mandy will be heart broken though because they just got engaged." Luka said. Abby laughed.

"I didn't mean from your book," She said, "I mean...We're going to be parents anytime soon. What's running through your head?" Luka put the book down.

"Pure terror and exhilaration." He said. Abby smiled slightly.

"Okay, thanks." Abby turned back to the computer.

Yes, Luka is going to be a really good father. He'll be amazing, fantastic, and wonderful. You two are really lucky you have a father like him and I hope you'll feel the same way about me.

Abby shut the computer off and slowly got up. Luka put the book down and helped Abby into bed. She laid down on her left side as Luka pulled the blanket over her.

"Good night, Abs." Luka smiled kissing her forehead as she yawned.

"Night, Luka." She mumbled.