Chapter 17- Which is Sharper; Yer Sword
or yer wit?
Ok. I don't actually know all of the businesses that Stan has owned because
I had Shit for a computer when MI2- Lechuck's Revenge was released. All I know was that in CMI, Stan was trapped
in a coffin, and Guy and Stan discussed his failed crypt business, which led
Stan to tell about his new life insurance policy, in which Guybrush (the
opponent in the story) gets life insurance, and screws Stan over when cashing
it in. (He got a lot of money
inside joke alert :-)
Happy 17th Cassie. I know you don't read ER fics, but the wish
is out there. (If you do it's your
cousin … The tall one, that plays guitar
and listens to Placebo and Manson….) Hey, 17 on the 17th…
sweet!
Later on, Dave's
words are blue, and opponents are in pink.
Previously: Dom confesses that he misses the comatose
love of his life, Christine, who was in a car wreck two years prior to the
visitation. She is to be taken off of
life support the very day that Dominic comes to say goodbye. As he pours out his love and apologies, she
decides that it is time to wake up, and does. Later, Dom is allowed to speak to her, and so he does, and they declare
their love for one another. He leaves
her to go to the mall where he runs into an oddly-dressed, annoying, yet
all-around lovable jeweler, at Stan's New and Previously Un-owned Jewelry Emporium. (I know I changed the name, but I was
playing the EFMI where he owned Stan's Time Share Emporium, or something like
that…If you don't know what he looks like, I am changing my picture of Guybrush
and Elaine :-( to Stan for the time being to show you. :-)
"Hi, Son! Welcome to Stan's New and Previously Owned Jewelry! Can I interest you in some diamond Skull
earrings?" The annoying salesperson
asked. "No, Actually, you can help me
with something else, uhhh…" He checked
the nametag, "Stan." (Think Stan from the Monkey Island series. Those who've played know what I am talking
about. :-). "Sure, kid! What can I do for ya?" He asked,
eager to make a sale. "What have you
got in engagement rings?" Dominic
asked, squinting his eyes to avoid having an aneurysm from looking at the outfit
Stan was wearing. He wore a plaid coat
of different Shades of purple over green pantaloons, and what geeky
outfit wouldn't be complete without a Sombrero and a black tie?
Stan
looked at the kid before him. What kind
of kid with a leather jacket, long hair, a couple of hemp necklaces, and a
bunch of piercings in his right ear wanted an engagement ring? He shrugged. "We have lots of Engagement rings! We have rings in several different sizes; dinky, tiny, small,
medium, large, big, really big, really really big, and of course,
Humongous!" Stan said pointing to a
huge diamond that was as round as a bowling ball. "That's not a diamond! That's a cannonball!" Dom
said. "Shut up, kid! Whaddya want from me? I've owned four failed businesses; Stan's
Previously Owned Ship Emporium, Stan's coffins and crypts, Mutual of Stan, and most recently Stan's
Time Share Emporium! The rest of the
diamonds are real, I swear it on my mother's grave!" Stan said, preparing to beg for Dom's business. "Ummm… What do you get for the woman you love who has been comatose for nearly
two years?" Dom asked. "A makeover and an exercise machine?" Stan asked. "In rings, you idiot!" Dom said. "Oh, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! I would recommend something for her that is
big and expensive, or at least something that she won't think that you think
she won't notice the size because of her medical state for the past couple of
revolutions!" Stan said. "Okay. How about the really big?" Dom
asked checking the prices for it. "Good
Choice Son! She'll love this forever as
it is free of any nasty pirate curses, and it will never age and grow uglier,
and fatter like her husband will." Stan
said. Dom scowled and checked his
physique in the large mirror as Stan prepared the ring for her. "What is the size of the young woman's
finger?" Stan asked taking out several
golden loops. "Half the girth of my
pinky." Dom said. "I see." Stan said, grasping Dom's hand and yanking him forth to measure his
hand. "Now, son, This ring should be
finished in a half an hour. Now, go
find something else to keep you busy. Kid." Stan said, shoving Dom out before he could ask about the time.
Dom growled and walked into the mall to find Dave. "Ladies and Gentlemen!" Bellowed a man that was dressed as a pirate,
with a fake beard and eye patch to boot. There was a stupid looking plastic parrot on his shoulder, and an
equally stupid rubber chicken-with-a-pulley-in-the-middle sticking out of his
coat pocket. "Welcome to our 13th
annual insult sword fighting contest! Step up all ye landlubbers and hope your wit's as sharp as your
sword!" The guy said. Dom shook his head in disbelief. What kind of idiot would actually do this
crap! He thought to himself. His jaw dropped as he saw one of the
contestants that was first to battle. It was Dave, who hadn't brought his toupee on the trip. So now he was bald, with a long red strip of
cloth tied around his forehead, with the ends dangling on his shoulder. He was wearing pants that went to just below
his knees, and having the white tights underneath. (Think the
Pilgrims.) His white shirt was tucked in, but wide open
the whole way down, exposing his chest. There were girls and women from their teen's to their 80's that were
gaping at Dave's chest. (Hey, those pants are pretty tight, and
combined with the open shirt…oh, yeah. Mental pic…) He was
grinning like an idiot making him look like an even bigger fool. Dom smacked
his forehead and sat on the floor to watch the event. Well, if he wants to make an ass of himself, let him go right
on ahead! He thought with a
smile. "Arrrgh. We've to contestants here that are going to
be the first to compete. The winner of
this here round will get to go on and fight and if they make it to the end of
the section, they'll compete for the best o' the best at the end! First we got a doctor from Chicago, Dave Malucci. And here is his opponent, Thighmush
Creepsnood." The tall, lanky blond man
with a ponytail to his mid-back said something slightly angry. "Right. Sorry, lad, Threepwood. Guybrush
Threepwood." The announcer pirate said.
"Now, here are the rules to insult sword fighting. No actual stabbing with these swords. If ye do, they're plastic, and they'll
break, and it'll cost ye. First of all,
ye'll start out with an insult, such as 'ye fight like a dairy farmer' and ye
respond with?" The guy asked a girl
with a large chest dressed as a wench. "How appropriate, You fight like a cow?" The blonde said looking up at the guy. "Right, pretty one. The
insults have to match." The pirate guy
said. "Start the fights." He said, shooting off a cap gun. Guybrush stepped forth. "There are no words for how disgusting you
are!" "I, uh… Well, uhh…oh yeah?" Dave missed the comeback and Guybrush,
obviously experienced, got the upper hand. "I'm not going to take your insolence sitting down!" Guy said, calmly. "Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?" Dave shot. Dom smiled a little. When they
were in grade school, there was an old bat for a teacher that claimed dave to
be rude, and she had said that very insult, and Dave would remember it until
the day he died, and then even beyond. Now they were even. Guy fired
off another insult. "Have you stopped
wearing diapers yet?" Guy said, feeling
confident that this guy would lose. "Why, did you want to borrow one?" Dave retorted. This was like a
slap to the face to Guy, but he kept his cool. Dave now felt comfortable, and he just had to go with the flow. He had the idea of sword fighting, and
wanted to win the trophy, which was an old-looking skull, affectionately dubbed
'Murray' by the fans of the event. "MY
last fight ended with my hands covered in blood." Dave wasn't sure of this one. Hands, blood, fight. Hmmm… Dave thought, time
running out on him. "I hope now you've
learned to stop picking your nose." Dave replied, moving forward and knocking the sword out of Guy's hands. The crowd cheered for the new guy. "Next!" shouted the pirate. "What's yer
name, lad?" The guy asked an 18 year
old man with a ponytail and a Grateful Dead shirt. "Herman T. Marley." The
guy replied, stroking his goatee. "T.? I guess we'll be callin' ye Toothrot then,
especially if ye keep chewin that there gum!" The pirate said. Dave exchanged
a smiling glance at the teen and raised his sword. "Now, ye two little brigands remember… The challenger is to start, as he has been here before, and knows
the insults a little better than Cap'n Dave does." The pirate said. Dave
groaned. He knew insults, why did the
kid get to insult him? He shrugged it
off. "Nobody's ever drawn blood from
me, and no one ever will!" Toothrot said. "You run THAT fast?" Dave retorted. The kid smiled. "My
wisest enemies run away at the first sight of me!" "Even BEFORE they smell your breath?" Dave was clearly going to win this round, and Toothrot knew
it. "I've spoken with apes more polite
than you!" He said, knowing full well
that Dave knew the answer. "Glad to
hear that you attended your family reunion." Dave said, enjoying this fight.
Hours Later..
"You're no match for my brains, you
poor fool!" "I'd be in
real trouble if you ever used them."
More
Hours Later
""You have the sex appeal of a
Shar-Pei!" "I look THAT much like your fiancée?" Dave knocked the final sword out of his opponent's hand. "Ha! I win!" Dave shouted. The pirate
announcer didn't move. Dave tapped him
with the plastic sword. Dave made a
mental note that for crummy plastic swords, these things held up nicely. Dave nudged a little harder and the plastic
snapped, waking the announcer. "Ye owe
me 6 pieces o' eight, kid!" He said
with sleepiness still in him. "I
won!" "The hell you say!" The pirate said, surprised. "Er, Ladies and Gentleman, Wenches and
Pirates. Here is your new champion,
Cap'n Dave, uh, Malucci!" Dave
smiled. If Chuni, or Jing-Mei or any of
the others at the hospital ever found out about this, he'd never hear the end
of it! Dave had his picture taken for
the record, "Here ye go, lad. This
here's yer treasure." The guy
said. Some Treasure. Dave thought as he was handed the skull, a
rubber chicken, breath mints, and a coupon for a free grog at the Scumm
Bar. Dom walked up to him. "Let's go back to Stan's and get the ring I
was after." Dom said. Dave looked up, putting his street clothes
and 'treasure' into his rucksack. "Wow. Congratulations." Dave said, patting Dom on the shoulder. Dom smiled. "Let's go, dude." They said
heading back to Stan's. Stan was
finished with the ring and handed it to Dominic. "Now, Will that be gold doubloons, Treasure… Captured
maidens?" Stan asked, looking at Dave
and trying not to laugh. "Dom, just do
the charge card thing, and let's go!" Dave said, getting pissed off at the guy. "I agree with your pantalooned friend here, gimme your charge
card." Stan said, taking it, swiping it
into the machine, and giving it back, with just a glint in his eye. Dom opened the velvet box and looked at
it. The beauty was shining back at him,
shaped like a heart, set in the finest of fine gold, perfect for his lady's
finger. Dom let a tear slip out of his
eye, and then was brought back to reality."Hey let's go to the Scumm Bar. It's costume day in light of the
contest. I'll pay." Dave said, and Dom obliged.
The Scumm Bar was obviously pirate themed, though it was like a shack
unlike other establishments at the mall. The two sat on the wooden stools at the bar. Dave wanted to keep the coupon for some reasons unknown, so he
checked out the menu. He motioned to
the bartender. "I'll have a Yellow
Beard's Baby." Dave said. "You can try, but I don't think nature's on
your side." The bartender said. "Give me a bloody stump." He tried again. "I can't. Chain Saw's Out
of Gas." The stocky bartender told
him. "Mix me up a blue Whale." Dave said, cheerfully. "Sorry, blender's not big enough." "Fine. Gimme a grog." Dave said in surrender. "Same
here." Dom said. They were each handed pewter mugs full of a
sizzling green liquid. "Drink it up,
before it melts the mugs." Said the
bartender, whose nametag said 'Ignatius'. They finished their grogs in silence, and paid the tender and left. "Good Luck." Dave said, as they entered the hospital. They parted ways, Dave to phone Kerry, and
Dom to see Christine.
Okay. I'm changing the pic after this, so you can see what Stan looks like
later on after I upload the fic. I know
that this chapter was pretty stupid, but I think I'm about finished with the
cheap laughs for this story, but I've got ideas for my next stories involving
Dave, Dave, and my only Dave. I mean,
OUR Dave. Yeah, That's it… Our Dave… :-) Later.