Silent
Screams
In the main hall
of the School for the Gifted in Westchester, hidden in the shadows stood a man.
He stood there unnoticed and he didn't want to be noticed. He couldn't stand
facing them now.
He watched as
Jean and Logan fell into each others arms, as he touched her so gently and as
they ended up in a deep and tender kiss. They didn't seem to notice him for he
was hidden very well in the dark shadows of a corner, but not only this hiding
place for him was surrounded by shadows but his heart as well as he realized
what this meant, for him and especially for them.
He simply stood
there, unable to say or to do anything, he was paralysed in his shock, the pain
he'd felt in the moment as Logan's hands gently stroked over her cheeks and
their lips met was more than he could bear or would ever be able to stand.
Stunned by the pain and agony in his mind he couldn't move nor turn his gaze
away, his eyes were frozen onto the lovers, frozen onto the woman he'd once
loved more than anything before in his life and still did and onto the man who
had simply stepped into their lives and deprived him of his love. In his mind
he cried out but he knew that he wouldn't be heard and that it would or could
never ease the pain he felt right now. All he could do was to watch how his
life slipped out of his hands with this very moment.
Scott Summers
was a man who had had everything to loose and had painfully to realize that he
had lost all that now; his life he'd had, his happiness with the only woman who
meant something to him and her love, all was lost to him.
Deep within
everything was empty and a dazing coldness crawled slowly into his heart, and
would never release it again.
In his hands he
held the broken pieces of his life, the fragments of his heart and his soul
which shattered in this very moment.
~/~
Oh, Jean, why
are you doing this to me? Why can you no longer love me? I have given you
everything, my heart, my soul and I'd give you my life only to be it again, to
be the one you want to hold in your
arms, you want to love.
What have I
done to deserve this, this pain that is moving into my heart now?
Deep within
me everything is empty, all my life has gone away as I see you now kissing him.
Deep within everything is dead, killed the moment your lips have touched. The
emptiness within is filled with pain and that is more than I can bear. I don't
understand why you prefer him, what is it that no longer makes you feel
anything for me, that makes you no longer able to feel love for me? I cannot
understand it, my thoughts are clouded with unspeakable pain, stunned by the
recognition to have lost you, for ever. All that had ever meant something to
me, you Jean and our love, all that I have lost, ripped out of my body and my
soul, all that's left is my heart and soul, lying open, raw and full of pain.
You have been
my only true and first love, Jean and you will it be for ever and even if you
don't want to be happy with me or cannot longer be, I wish for you to be happy.
I am so terribly sorry that you couldn't be it with me, I'd given you
everything to be the one you would want to be together with, to be happy with.
I don't know whether I will be able to bear the deep pain within me but as long
as I see you happy I hope to ever manage to stand it and to live with it for I
know that it will be from now on my constant companion and that it will never
vanish nor become more less painful.
Can you
understand my feelings, Jean? Can't you see how much you have hurt me with
this? Why have you done this? What reason had it been, that caused your love
for me to die and cool off so it can only burn for him now? Can't you see what
pain it causes me to see you here with him, to know, really know now to have
lost everything that had been ours?
To loose you
has always been the worst thing I could have imagined to happen and now I have
to see it with my own true eyes. I had so much hoped that you could still love
me, love me again but this hope has
died with my heart and the worst thing at this, what causes me all this pain is
not your rejection but I myself for I still love you; I cannot stop loving you,
Jean.
In the
silence of my soul I am screaming out my pain, the agony of my heart I now feel
when I think of you and our love, when I see what I have lost.
I have lost
everything, even the chance I had so much wished for, the chance to win you
again for me, to be with you again. I am trying to ease the pain and I hope I
will be able to manage this one day, it tears me apart from within, my heart
broken into pieces already. With every silent scream, each silent plea I hope
for me to defeat the pain, to kill it but it is everything my shattered heart
is able to feel now, beside that there is nothing, only the emptiness of
despair and the loneliness of my loss. My mind wails in agony and nobody can
ease this pain, this pain of the loss of a love I'd thought to be my life.
Every time my
tortured heart screams I desperately try to understand why, but I cannot. I
will never understand this for every time I will think of it and try to
understand I will see the broken pieces of our love in front of me, that I am
holding in my hands now, the shattered pieces of my life and our future.
With each of
my silent screams I desperately try to put these pieces back together again,
but I am not capable of doing so again; with each of the silent screams of my
broken heart and dying soul I am made aware that I still love you, Jean and
that causes me an even greater pain and hurt deep within my heart, in my mind
and my soul.
I know that
this pain will never go away, that I can never banish it from my heart or kill,
no matter how loud my silent screams might be.
Part 2
She cried
Jean was happy,
in this moment she had gotten total clarity about her feelings for Logan and
his for her and she was sure of herself, she'd never been more sure about
anything before. Logan loved her and his feelings for her were so strong she
wasn't able to do anything to block them. Jean didn't want to block them out of
her thoughts or mind, for they revealed his honest and deep love for her. When
he stood in front of her, his eyes so warm and loving, as he touched her skin,
the tips of his fingers so gentle and electrifying, she dived into her love for
him and drowned in emotions, she'd only dared to dream before. She wished so
much, that he would love her and now this wish, that had come out of the bottom
of her heart had become reality. Logan bent forward to her and took her in his
arms before he gently kissed her for the first time. Jean felt as if she could
fly and that was what her heart was doing now, floating within her love for
him.
But in this
moment, the moment her lips touched his, she felt the scream of a tortured soul,
the wail of a dying heart so full of agony before it would shatter and be lost
forever. She felt that a cold hand was clutching at her own heart as she
recognized the origin of this wail and how this hand was slowly squeezing
around her heart.
Scott was standing
in the shadows and been watching as she had kissed Logan, he had seen how much
she felt for him and what Scott had lost.
That was the
moment she'd feared most. She was so sure of her feelings for Logan, more than
ever before but now the moment had come when she had to hurt Scott, something
she didn't want to do but for this it was already too late. It was too late for
everything and that was it that she had realized now as well as he had. She
felt him cry out in anguish, a pain she had seldom felt before in any other
heart or soul. But she was unable to do anything to ease this pain for it had
been her, who had caused it.
Logan didn't
seem to notice anything of this, he didn't seem to notice that Scott had
returned and was now standing in the corner of the hall, hidden deep within the
shadows where none of them could see him. He didn't see him, couldn't feel his
pain that Jean was now able to feel. And she felt with him, felt his loss with
him for she had to realize painfully that she had not only won this evening but
lost highly too. She realized that she had lost him completely.
Jean felt how
hot tears began rolling uncontrolled over her cheeks as she realized her loss
now as well, a loss that was higher than she could have imagined before.
~/~
I can feel
him, I know exactly that he's been watching us, seen us and I have felt his
pain. I have felt how his heart broke and that puts a cold hand around mine. I
never wanted him to feel this much pain, never wanted to hurt him but I have
done it nonetheless. I have hurt him so much, so deeply like no one had ever
done before in his life an I'd do anything to make this pain undone, but I
cannot. I cannot make it undone, cannot make undone how I feel even if it means
to loose him completely. I never wanted to loose you, Scott and I hope you will
understand this.
Oh, Scott, I
can understand you better than you might imagine and I'd do truly anything to
ease this pain, to take it away from you but I cannot do it for I know I have
no right to do so. I have caused you this much pain and I am so terribly sorry
for this. I am so terribly sorry that I had to do this but I have realized that
my heart beats for Logan, more than it does for you now.
I will always
love you but I have to follow my heart, I cannot act differently and I hope you
will understand it one day. I have made my decision even if you cannot
understand it. Maybe I cannot understand it myself but I have to do what my
heart tells me to. I cannot explain it to you but I hope you will understand
me, understand that I only have to do what I think the right thing to be. I
cannot make it undone, make undone what you have seen or feel right now and I
have hoped for you not find out this way, what I feel for Logan. But I do love
him now, I really do.
You have been
the best thing that could have happened to me in my life and I don't want to
loose this. I will always love you, too, you will have a special place in my
heart for ever but it will never be the way it was, I know that now. And I know
that I have lost too now the best thing in my life, you.
I hope you
will be able to forgive me one day for I still love you, Scott. I have lost as
much this day like I have won, I know that also now. I have lost something that
had been the most important thing in my life, our friendship and I hope for
that one day we will be able to find back to this again even if I now love
Logan.
I cannot hold
back my tears any longer, your pain is too much to bear for me and I am
responsible for it. I feel my heart breaking under the screams of your heart
and soul, they touch me so deeply. I cannot prevent my tears from running down
my cheeks and I feel the warmth of them, a warmth that can never meld the cold
of my loss, of having lost you.
I shed them
for you, Scott, I cry for you and for what we had had that is now no longer. I
cry for the pain you feel inside you and hope for you that it will be easier
for you within time. I want you to be happy and wish you to find the happiness
we've had again.
I am happy
that I have found the strength to tell Logan what I feel for him and that he
feels the same for me but in the same moment I am so sad, so sad to have lost
you, which I never wanted to happen. I don't regret my decision but I regret
that it hurts you so deeply, so much. I've never been able to imagine a life
without you and still cannot. To see how you suffer now, to realize this
unspeakable pain and agony of your soul makes my heart break too. It tears mine
as it tore yours apart for it is the least thing I've ever wanted. I never
meant you to feel this way, never meant to hurt you.
I hope you
will one day understand why I had to do this, that I had to follow my heart and
feelings and I hope you will be able to forgive me then. You still mean so much
to me and I hope that you know that, that you know you will always have a
special place in my heart, for ever as long as I live.
~fin~
A study in Romance-An epilogue
By: Belladonna