Status Quo
By Paul Beaudoin
* * *
"Lenneth, time to wake up!" an annoying voice shrieked.
The Valkyrie turned in her sleep, somewhat aroused from her millennium of slumber.
"Lenneth, time to wake up!" the voice said again. Lenneth again rolled, trying desperately to stay asleep. "Lenneth, time to wake up!" the voice shouted one more time.
Lenneth formed a spear of pure energy and drove it through the heart of the alarm clock, which looked remarkably like a miniature statue of the Goddess Frei. Lenneth never did dare to mention it to anyone, but she despised Frei.
Unable to fall back into the lulls of sleep, Lenneth decided she'd better go to Valhalla and see what the reason was for waking her. It had better be a damned good reason, too.
She quickly got dressed and walked down the path to Valhalla, where Odin resided. On the way, she met up with Lezard Valeth, the necromancer who had attempted to win her heart during her adventure in Midgard. Though he was a defiler of souls, a blasphemer, and a really nerdy-looking character to boot, his contributions to Ragnarok could not be forgotten. So, in return, the Aesir gave him a run-down apartment in the slums of Asgard. He didn't complain. He had a roof over his head, and anything was better than Nifleheim.
"So, Lenneth," he said, pushing up his glasses. "You doing anything tonight?"
Lenneth frowned. He was a persistent bugger, and perhaps one of these days his tenacity would be rewarded. Not today, however. "Staying as far away as divinely possible from you, Lezard."
"So…you don't want to watch a battle later?" Lezard said. He was being more persistent than usual today.
Lenneth took her bow, drew an arrow from her quiver, and fired at Lezard's feet. The arrow buried itself in the ground mere millimeters from his feet.
Lezard began sweating. "I'll pencil you in as a maybe," he said, as he ran off as fast as he could.
Lenneth chuckled, saying to herself, "Foolish mortal." She then continued on her trip to Valhalla.
When she reached the entrance to Valhalla, Lenneth caught a glimpse of Frei's bright, shining face. Boy, did she ever hate that face.
"Lenneth! Welcome!" Frei said loudly. "It's been an awfully long time since I've seen you last…"
"Frei, I don't have time to talk right now," Lenneth said as politely as she could, though still radiating a bit of negative energy. "I need to see Freya and Odin." What she really wanted to say was more along the lines of, "Shove it, you overly happy piece of Aesir dung. If your sister wasn't second in command your vital organs would be decorating my bedroom. Now get out of my face before I shove my foot so far up your @$$ that you'll be able to taste the mud on my sandals."
"Oh, sorry about that," Frei said, not sensing the ill feelings that Lenneth sent her way. She then proceeded to open the humongous doors to Valhalla, which, for some reason or another, had no visible doorknobs.
* * *
After Loki had destroyed the world through the use of the Dragon Orb, Lenneth had restored it using the powers of creation she had gained after being fused with the Homunculus. However, instead of becoming the new ruler of Asgard, she instead opted to restore it exactly as it had been just before Ragnarok started. She was still one of the three Sisters who controlled the destiny of man. Odin was still the ruler of Asgard, and Freya was his second-in-command. Lenneth still gathered worthy Einherjar when the Aesir were in trouble. It wasn't the best life, but it was what she knew, and what she was comfortable with. She did let herself keep her memories this time, though. And there were a few things she wished she had changed. Frei was one of those things. Lezard was another.
* * *
Lenneth walked down the stately corridor that led to Odin's throne room. The building was just as she remembered it. Beautiful, majestic, and unnecessarily large.
Within minutes she was standing before Odin himself. "I am here, Lord, at your service," she said, kneeling.
"Rise, Lenneth," Odin said. "I suppose you know why we called you here…"
"Yes," Lenneth said. "The Vanir have been acting up recently, and you need me to go to Midgard to fetch more Einherjar to ensure our victory in the upcoming battle."
Odin leaned towards Freya. "She's good…"
"I don't understand. Aren't our current Einherjar sufficient to defeat the Vanir?" Lenneth asked.
"Actually," Odin said, "some of the Einherjar have come across some odd circumstances and cannot fight at the moment. What we really want are backups until the Einherjar are able to fight again. Arngrim, for example, broke both his legs during a training session a couple days ago."
"Really?" Lenneth said. "I'll have to send him a fruit basket one day. What about Belenus?"
"He's opened up a rather popular specialty store in Asgard, and by taking him out of business to fight, we might lower morale of the Aesir. It's a long shot, but he's not exactly the best of warriors anyways," Freya said.
And so Freya and Odin named off all the Einherjar and their reasons they had for not fighting. Shiho and Suo eloping and currently being on their honeymoon, Lucian and Kashell running each other through with their weapons during a practice session (not mortally, thankfully), and Aelia suffering from an unusually bad spell of the "Monthly Visit", among others.
"So you see," Odin concluded, "that is the reason we have for you going back to Midgard and gathering more Einherjar."
Lenneth sighed. "I understand," she said, as she knelt down to receive her armor. A bright light emanated from her body. When the light disappeared, she was clothed in her armor. When she looked down to examine it, an expression shock came over her face.
She was clothed head-to-toe in riot gear. Her chest and stomach were covered with a bulletproof jacket, and her head was in a helmet with a clear face shield. Hovering in front of her was a clear plastic riot shield, with a matching twin hovering behind her.
"Odin, what the hell is this?" Lenneth screamed, knocking the riot shield away. "What happened to my regular light-blue armor?"
"Times have changed, Lenneth," Freya said. "Your old armor wasn't capable of protecting you in Midgard nowadays. Not to mention this'll make you look less conspicuous there. Midgard's a lot different now."
"Well, what about my weapons?" Lenneth shouted, holding up a nightstick and a small riot shotgun. "Can't I at least get my sword back?"
"I'm not sure about that…" Freya said. "The inconspicuousness, remember. You don't want to be noticed."
Lenneth grumbled. "Very well. I'm off to Midgard…"
* * *
Lenneth hovered over the Midgard landscape. Deciding that now was the best time to start searching for souls, she called on her ability to hear the words of those near death. This power was both a blessing and a curse. It helped her when she wanted to find Einherjar, but it bugged her when all she wanted was a little time to herself.
She closed her eyes, and concentrated her thoughts to those in Midgard. Soon she began hearing the voices of the soon-to-be deceased.
Hey fellas, watch this. A voice with a southern accent said these words, which resonated through her mind. She passed this plea by. Fools were not needed in Asgard.
I've done this surgery hundreds of times. It's completely safe. The sickly were not needed there either.
Don't worry, baby. I'm clean. "Ick," Lenneth thought. She also passed this thought by. It would be a long time before these people died anyways.
I'll always be with you, Lynn. Remember that… "Finally," Lenneth muttered. "Some noble souls worth training."
Her spiritual concentration could draw on the words of the unfortunate and pinpoint their location, but not their situations. Lenneth merely had to pick and choose from whatever voices she received. Upon further concentration, she managed to find that the source of the distress was Crell Monferaigne. She flew there as swiftly as she could.
When she arrived, a grisly scene awaited her. Two machines that looked sort of like royal litters with wheels were crushed together. Apparently they had collided, completely crushing the front ends. People surrounded the two vehicles, and others were putting three cloth-covered bodies inside another one of those contraptions, which was much more box-like in shape and had the inscription "Ambulance" written on the side.
She took her human form and walked up to one of the people surrounding the machines. "What happened?" she asked.
The man turned to face her. "Terrible car wreck just happened. No survivors. It's a shame, really."
"I see," Lenneth said, and walked away. When she was out of sight, she took her spiritual form in order to search for her quarry. Before long, she found what she was looking for.
Standing side by side were two young people, one man and one woman, looking at the accident. They looked to be about twenty years old. The man was wearing a sweatshirt that said "Crell Monferaigne State University" and a pair of tattered jeans, while the woman was wearing a T-shirt and a pair of tighter, less worn jeans.
"Excuse me," Lenneth said. The two did not turn to face her way.
"Kind of a bad wreck, wasn't it?" the man said.
"Yeah," the woman said. "Kind of hard to believe we're dead…"
"Excuse me…" Lenneth said a little louder. They still did not turn.
"What do you think'll happen now?" the woman said.
"I have no clue, Lynn. I have no clue…" the man said.
"EXCUSE ME!" Lenneth shouted, rapping the man soundly over the head with her nightstick. The couple finally acknowledged her presence.
"Yeah, what do you want?" the man said, rubbing his head.
"Can you two tell me what happened?" Lenneth said.
"Oh. Well, we were on a date," the man said. "We were just driving home when that other car was driving in our lane. It didn't have its lights on, so we didn't know until it was too late to react. The rest is as you see it…"
"I see…well, I guess you two are the ones I'm looking for," Lenneth said.
"Looking for?" the woman said. "What do you mean?"
"Perhaps I should explain," Lenneth said. "I am the Valkyrie. My job is to take deceased souls to Asgard to fight alongside Odin in the battles against the Vanir."
"Huh?" the man said. "A Valkyrie, like in the myths?"
"Myths, hmph!" Lenneth said, with a tone of resentment.
"Sorry, sorry," the man said. "But, I thought that the Valkyries were clothed in shimmering armor. Looks like you're dressed in riot gear."
"Long story," Lenneth said. "I'll have to explain it to you later."
"I suppose we should introduce ourselves," the man said. "My name is Joseph, and this is my girlfriend, Lynn."
"Pleased to meet you," Lynn said.
"You mentioned something about fighting…" Joseph said. "That might be a problem. You see, we're both pacifists."
"Well," Lenneth said. "Have either of you fought in a battle?"
"No," they both replied.
"Have you been in a fight?" she said.
"No," they replied again.
"Can either of you use a weapon?" Lenneth said, apparently grasping at straws.
"Well, I used to go hunting when I was in high school…" Lynn said.
"Good!" Lenneth said, tossing a crossbow her way.
"But, I've never used one of these things…" Lynn said, examining the weapon.
"You'll learn. And what about you? Any special abilities that pertain to fighting?" Lenneth said.
"Well, I do know martial arts…" Joseph said reluctantly.
"Really? Which style? Jujitsu? Karate? Tae kwon do?"
"Capoeira. Let me show you…" Joseph said. He then proceeded to perform a series of kicks, punches, and flips that looked more like dancing than fighting.
"All right, I get the point," Lenneth said. "Shall we go?" She took the two souls into herself and then departed from the scene.
* * *
Lenneth again called on her powers of concentration. Instead of looking for more souls, however, Lenneth was looking for areas of conflict in the world, partially to eliminate the suffering, and partially to train her newfound "warriors."
Within moments, she found a spot that needed assistance. She pinpointed it as a place in downtown Villnore. Apparently an anarchist riot was going on in the city, and the police force there needed assistance in calming the public.
Lenneth quickly flew to Villnore to examine the situation. When she got there, fully dressed in her riot gear "armor", she located an officer of the law.
"Good, you're here!" the police chief said. "You must be the captain of one of the SWAT teams we've sent for. I'm assuming these are your partners?" he said, pointing at Joseph and Lynn, who were similarly dressed.
"Uh, yeah…" Lenneth said.
"Good. Your job is to try keep this crowd under control. After you're done, you can come back to the station for donuts if you like."
"Oooo! Donuts!" Joseph exclaimed.
"Very well," Lenneth said. "Let's go, guys," she said, as the three ran down a street. Before long, they found a group of three anarchists. Two of them were holding Molotov cocktails, and another had a pillowcase full of doorknobs.
"Hold it right there!" Lenneth yelled out. "Cease and desist!"
"Hey! Who are you?" the one with the doorknobs called out.
"You're under arrest!" Lenneth shouted. "Come peacefully and we will not attack!"
"Yeah, right, fascist pigs!" one of the Molotov holders yelled. He threw the flaming bottle towards the group. It hit Joseph in the head, knocking him out cold. Luckily, it didn't shatter, and he was mostly unharmed. He was, however, the lucky recipient of a free trip to "The Ground", and won a matching headache in addition. Meanwhile, Lynn was preoccupied with her crossbow, which had jammed when she tried to fire it.
Lenneth quickly picked up the slack in her team's aggression. She hit the anarchist with the doorknobs in the head with her riot stick, sending him to the ground. The other two, seeing themselves at a disadvantage, quickly fled the scene, no doubt to pester other passers-by.
Joseph got up unsteadily. "Lemme at 'em…" he mumbled, still a little woozy. "Hey, where'd they go?"
"I see you're up," Lenneth said. "Quit fooling around and let's…" She was interrupted by an arrow that flew past her face, missing it by a few centimeters.
"Hey, got this thing working again!" Lynn exclaimed happily.
The three continued through the streets, subduing scores of vandals, pillagers, and punk bands. Within minutes, the riot had died down to a handful of disgruntled college students with nothing better to do.
"Good work," the police chief said to Lenneth. "I'll report this to the head of your department."
"That's alright, it was all in the course of duty," Lenneth replied. "We have to get going anyway."
"Awww…no donuts?" Joseph said, disappointed.
* * *
Lenneth again appeared in the skies above Midgard. Before she could do anything else, she received a psychic signal from Valhalla. She knew what was happening. Freya was contacting her to update Lenneth on the current state of the war. She closed her eyes, ready to receive the news.
"Hi!" a voice rather unlike Freya's called out.
"Huh? What are you doing, Frei?" Lenneth replied.
"Freya's kinda busy at the moment. She wanted me to tell you about the battle and stuff." Frei said, with an undying tone of giddiness.
"I am being punished, without a doubt…" Lenneth said under her breath.
"Huh?"
"Oh, uh, nothing, Frei…"
"Oh, whatever," Frei said, oblivious to Lenneth's statement. "The war's going pretty good so far. We're definitely in control. We probably won't need the Einherjar until we go on the offensive, so you can train them until then."
"Oh, thank you, I am forever in your debt," Lenneth said, with a hint of sarcasm in her voice. Well, not a hint, more like a strong accent on the sarcasm. To hell with it, she threw the whole bottle of Sarcasm into the cooking pot.
Fortunately, most of the Gods, and Frei was no exception, were completely oblivious to sarcasm. "That's good. See you later…" she said, ending their conversation.
Lenneth grumbled for a moment after their conversation had ended, and then got back to work. She concentrated again, in the hopes of finding at least one other person who was somewhat suitable for the Aesir.
You unloaded the gun first, right?
Don't worry, Ma. SUV's are the safest cars on the road.
I'm pretty sure you cut the blue wire.
Don't try this at home, kids.
So this is how it ends… Bingo. This time it was coming from Lassen.
* * *
When Lenneth arrived at the scene, she found a group of people standing around a tall building. A section of the sidewalk was marked off with yellow police tape, with a chalk outline of a body on the concrete. She again assumed her spiritual form to look for the soul. When she did so, she found a middle-aged man lying exactly in the chalk outline.
"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow…" the man muttered.
"Can I help you?" Lenneth asked.
"Go away, I just want to die in peace…" he replied.
"Well, you are dead…"
"Really? I thought death would entail a little more…nonexistence."
"Just get off the ground," Lenneth said. "What's your name?"
The man picked himself off the ground and brushed himself off. "Hector…"
"Ah. I am the Valkyrie," Lenneth said. "How exactly did you die?"
"Well, I jumped off that building," Hector said, pointing up.
"Why?"
"To make a long story short…I was just fired from my job, my wife left me for our insurance agent, my car was totaled, my cat got run over by an ambulance, and it's migraine season…"
"Ouch…" Lenneth said. "That's harsh."
"I know," Hector said.
"Do you have any special talents?" Lenneth asked.
"Well…" Hector said. "I am a magician…"
"Great!" Lenneth shouted. "You'll be very useful in battle. Come with me."
"Battle? No, you misunderstand!" Hector said. "I'm a show magician. I do tricks of illusion, like this." He proceeded to pull a long-stemmed rose out of his nostril, which he then gave to Lenneth.
"So…you can't conjure fireballs or spears of light or anything?"
"Nope, it's all sleight-of-hand," he said, coughing up a string of tied handkerchiefs.
"Great, not again…" Lenneth said.
"If you don't want to take me, you don't have to…" Hector said.
"You don't understand," Lenneth said. "I chose you, so that means I have to take you, no matter what."
"Well, that sucks."
"Very much so," Lenneth said. "I suppose we'd better be off…"
* * *
Over the next few days, Lenneth traveled over the Midgard landscape, defusing hostile situations. She solved a hostage situation in Artolia, subdued escaped convicts in Villnore, escorted numerous Gerabellum political officials to Crell Monferaigne, and rescued a kitten stuck in a tree in Hai-Lan. However, through all her searching, she did not find any more Einherjar even moderately suitable for combat.
* * *
The group stopped at a small street café in Hai-Lan. "Guys, go do whatever you want today. I just need time for myself…" Lenneth said. After they left, she sat down at a table, put her head down, and then wept bitterly.
"This is all horrible, simply horrible," Lenneth cried. "Odin's going to kill me when I get back…"
Joseph looked back to where they left Lenneth. "This isn't good," he said quietly to his friends. "Maybe we'd better start trying harder from now on," he said, as they walked down the street rather somberly.
"Why does this have to be so damn difficult?" she sobbed under her breath. "Why can't it all be like I remembered?"
"It can be," a mischievous voice said. Lenneth turned around, and found herself face-to-abdominal area with her old nemesis, Loki.
"Loki, what are you doing here?" Lenneth shouted in surprise. "And…what the hell are you wearing?" Loki was dressed in a bright green suit coat. Underneath was a red striped shirt that clashed with the jacket, and a checkered purple tie which was waging all-out war with the other two pieces of clothing. Though he meant to look inconspicuous, he was as unnoticeable as a sore thumb in a room full of hand models.
"Nevermind the clothes," Loki said. "I can tell you how you can restore Midgard to how you used to know it."
"No, Loki," Lenneth said. "I'm not going to destroy the world."
"Why not?" Loki pleaded. "It'll be fun!"
"Loki, no. Just…no."
"Please? I'll be your friend…" Loki pleaded.
Lenneth had heard enough. She threw an ice crystal at Loki, freezing him solid. She then pushed him into the City Square, for people to see and pigeons to make doo-doo on. As she walked away, she could barely hear Loki's voice. "Damn you, Lenneth…I'll get my revenge one day…"
Lenneth met up with her Einherjar, who were stumbling out of a nearby bar. "Shall we leave?" Lenneth said to her drunken companions. They collapsed in agreement.
* * *
Just after leaving Hai-Lan, Lenneth received a message from Freya.
"Lenneth, we need you back here," she said. "We're going on the offensive, and we need you and the Einherjar to assist us."
Lenneth gulped. She was quickly beginning to fear for her job, if not her life.
* * *
"Lenneth! You're back!" Freya shouted. "It's good to see you! Where are the Einherjar?"
"Ummm…" Lenneth said.
"Quit stalling," Odin said. "We want to see the warriors!"
"Well…they're right here…" Lenneth said, pointing at her associates. They currently were engaged in the act of staring unbelievably at their surroundings.
"Very funny, Lenneth," Freya said. "Where are the real Einherjar?"
"They're right here," Lenneth said. "They're all I could find."
"What do you mean, 'They're all you could find,'" Odin asked.
"I mean these are the only ones even remotely suitable for combat," Lenneth said. "Midgard's changed more than you know."
"Nevermind," Freya said. "They'll have to do. You can take off that riot gear now, your old armor and weapons will suit you fine here."
"Very well," Lenneth said. "When do we attack?"
"Tomorrow morning," Odin said. "You'll infiltrate Jotunheim castle, as usual."
"I understand," Lenneth said.
* * *
The four raced down the icy corridors of Jotunheim palace, defeating bands of Vanir soldiers as they went. Before long, they were in the throne room of Surt, leader of the Vanir.
"Oh, great, not again…" Surt said as he caught a glimpse of the four. He set down the magazine he was reading and drew his sword.
"Prepare yourself, Surt!" Lenneth shouted. "Your destruction is at hand!"
"Why can't you Aesir morons just leave us alone?" Surt said angrily. "It'd be a hell of a lot easier if you weren't always starting battles and whatnot!"
"Silence, vile evildoer!" Lenneth screamed. "The emptiness of the void awaits you!"
"You and what army?" Surt said. "Those three fools from Midgard? I'm surprised they even know how to fight…"
"Hey, Surt," Hector said, digging a coin out of his pocket. "Watch this." He slapped the coin against his bare palm, causing it to disappear. He then walked up to Surt, reached behind his ear, and pulled the coin from it.
"Hey…how'd you do that?" Surt asked. His amazement was soon shattered, as an arrow from Lynn's crossbow pierced his hand, causing him to drop his sword. "Why you little…" he grumbled. However, his anger caused him to drop his guard, enabling Joseph to sneak behind him and give him a sharp kick to the back of his head. Surt stumbled to the ground, dazed. He was then easy prey for Lenneth's sword. She drove her blade through his back and into his heart.
"Curse you, Lenneth…curse you all!" he said with his dying breath.
"Good work," Lenneth said to her compatriots. "I knew you'd pull through in the end. Let's go back to Valhalla…"
* * *
"Excellent work, Lenneth!" Odin said, praising Lenneth. "You've again acquired victory for us."
"The Einherjar did a remarkable job," Freya said. "Another job well done."
"Thank you," Lenneth said. "Now, if you'll excuse me…"
Lenneth walked out of the gigantic doors of Valhalla. Waiting for her there was Frei.
"Good job, Lenneth!" she cried. "You've saved Asgard once again! You've got to tell me about how your adventures on Midgard went!" Lenneth closed her eyes tightly and made her hand into a fist.
Frei fell to the ground unconscious. A small but steady stream of blood flowed from her now misshapen nose. Lenneth looked down at her unmoving body, and smiled ever so slightly. She then walked down the path to her bedroom, finally convinced that her job was complete.