Dilemma – Giles
What do I do? A week ago I believed Angel was years dead, now I have to decide what it would be best for Buffy to know about what's happened to him.
Wesley asked me to come to LA, to bring Spike and to keep Buffy in the dark. I didn't like it but I did as he asked.
Wesley warned me before they took me downstairs, but when I saw Angel I almost didn't believe what I'd been told. At first glance he looked like he always had, he stood in the shadows, Buffy's "Cryptic Guy" down to the white tee shirt and the dark jacket.
And then Cordelia started talking. "It's only Giles, you remember Giles," she said, she sounded like she was reassuring a small child, she sounded awkward, she sounded embarrassed, she sounded frightened, but mostly she sounded sad.
She held her hand out to him and Angel took several steps forward to her side. He took her hand and moved behind her. Dark, wary eyes watched me distrustfully. He stayed balanced on the balls of his feet, ready to bolt.
"Giles, say hi," Cordelia prompted.
"Oh… um… of course. Angel… hello… how are you feeling?" I stammered.
"See, it's okay, he likes you," Cordelia said to Angel with a forced cheerfulness.
Angel canted his head to the side, never taking his eyes off me as he slowly stepped forward, still keeping Cordelia's hand. He stopped about a foot from me and took a deep deliberate breath.
"They say memory is directly linked to scent," Wesley commented uncertainly.
Angel glanced back at Cordelia. "That's right, it's Giles. Buffy's watcher. Well, until they fired him anyway," she said.
"I was reinstated," I protested inanely as Angel released Cordelia's hand and dropped gracefully to his knees before me. He head was tilted back and to the side. His eyes were closed, dark lashes highlighted by inhumanly pale skin.
"He's never done that before," Cordelia said, alarmed.
My thoughts wandered to the abstract and I decided Wesley must be incorrect in claiming the demons that create vampires are feline in nature. Cats are, in general, too solitary to develop pack structures.
Angel had never done that before because he led the LA group. It wouldn't really make sense for him to submit to any of them. However during his stay in Sunnydale I did, to some extent, hold a leadership position. It was only later that my roll became mostly advisory.
This wasn't normal behavior for either a vampire or a human though. That Angel asked my permission before pursuing his relationship with Buffy early in that second year was a very human form of submission. His request implied that I had the right to forbid him to continue seeing her. And Between vampires while a more blatant form of submission is required to establish the power structure, it was rarely given freely, not unless the power balance overwhelmingly favors one individual.
I stood there for a few moments, avoiding dealing with the situation by analyzing it, until I noticed that Angel was trembling ever so slightly. That forced the point home in a way that Cordelia's repeated attempts to reassure Angel of his safety hadn't. The past five years had hurt Angel so badly that he truly expected to be hurt by everyone. I had anticipated something like this if we'd from Hell, but after he returned he'd been able to… I don't know… re-orientate his expectations based on his location. He knew how people behaved. How Buffy and the rest of us could be expected to act and modified his behavior based on that knowledge. He's not doing that this time. According to Wesley, and my own observations confirm it, Angel recognizes us, but he acts as if he expects abuse until we prove we won't harm him. Before the torture he undoubtedly suffered in Hell was recognized as the exception. This time his baseline, his concept of normality has changed. Abuse is what he regards as the rule, and it's placed upon us to prove that we won't adhere to that rule.
I crouched down in front of Angel; I wanted to be on eye level with him; and put my hands on his shoulders. "Angel," I said gently, carefully modulating my tone. Cordelia believes that Angel understands when she speaks to him. Wesley says it's more likely that he's lost all knowledge of language and is only responding to what he can pick up from our voice and expression. I'm afraid Wesley's view is the less biased. So I made sure that my tone conveyed my meaning. "You're safe, I won't harm you."
Angel's eyes opened slowly and stared into mine questioningly. I smiled and squeezed his shoulders reassuringly. Then, to my dismay, Angel shifted closer to curl against me. He was purring, his velvety hair brushing against my cheek, his body a cool weight pressed against me, if he'd put his arms around me it would have been a hug. Awkwardly I patted him on the shoulder and looked to Cordelia and Wesley for assistance.
Cordelia shrugged helplessly. "It's a little like when he got whammied by the talking-stick thing, only less nauseating," she said. "I guess cause that was a spell and this is real. Or maybe it's just that purring isn't nearly as wacked-out for Angel as all those sensitivity platitudes were."
I didn't know what she was talking about, nor did I want to. All I wanted was Angel at least an arm's length away.
A musical chiming noise caught Angel's attention and the souled vampire thankfully drew away from me to scan the dimly lit room. A second later he was across the room to pounce on one of the metallic chime balls Wesley had sent rolling across the floor. Angel shook the one he'd caught, grinning at the noise it made. He set is back on the floor and let it roll away from him. Wesley tossed another chime ball at the one Angel was playing with. The two balls made a distinctive noise as they collided to Angel's obvious delight.
"They're his favorites… if he can't find any mice," Wesley commented sadly. "It isn't hard to distract him, his attention span isn't that good."
We watched Angel play with the bright spheres for a few minutes then Wesley said. "Now you understand. We asked you to bring Spike because of his experience in taking care of Drucilla. That the only account I'd heard of where someone tried to heal a severely injured vampire. We thought he might know something that would help. More than that though, we needed to talk to you about how our situation should be handled with respect to Buffy."
The situation Wesley was referring to was what to do with Angel in the long term. Spike was a feeble last hope that Angel might recover. The reality was they wanted me to decide if Buffy should have a say in whether or not they kill Angel.
Gunn is vehemently in favor of destroying him. Cordelia is equally opposed to the idea. Wesley and Kate Lockley waver from day to day. They need a deciding vote and Buffy was the closer to Angel than anyone else at one time, but she refused to deal with his disappearance and they were afraid of how she would react to the current development. So they asked me to decide.
Buffy is older, stronger, and more experienced now. Do I have the right to shield her from this? It would be easier if she never knew, but would it be better? Secrets have a way of coming out.
Of course I realize, and Buffy will as well, that her initial refusal to face the possibility of Angel's death may very well be directly responsible for his current state. The timing of the whole thing was just so unfortunate. Buffy simply couldn't deal with anything more between her mother's death and the situation with Dawn.
I honestly believed that Angel was dead. Indulging Buffy's denial seemed harmless enough. I didn't see how it could possible do her any good to be forced to grieve for Angel's loss yet another time, and I thought Angel was beyond help.
I thought protecting Buffy from reality was the right choice then. Can I afford to make the same mistake again?