Justification –Buffy
There really was nothing to decide. All that needs discussing is the how and that's pretty much a given too, they've got everything set up here and it's familiar. Cordy is willing to take most of the responsibility.
I would but Slaying's already as much responsibility as I can handle. Still, I'll find a way to take him occasionally. Spike says he'll help. I feel like giggling hysterically and it's not at the thought of Spike being helpful.
I used to worry that I'd grow up to be my mother, remember the demonic egg babies? Right now I feel more like my father.
There wasn't a custody battle or anything when my parents got divorced, just a quiet little talk about how I'd be better off with Mom. Dad couldn't leave LA, not with his job, and I'd be happier with a fresh start somewhere else. He didn't say somewhere where I hadn't burned down a school building, but I still heard it. He also told me how I knew he had to be away a lot, the job again. It wasn't that he didn't want me; it was just better if I lived with Mom and he'd make sure we spent time together. I could always visit in the summers… except when he was in Spain… with his secretary.
Now I'm sitting here using Slaying to justify leaving Angel with Cordelia. Did Dad really believe all the stuff he said? Will I find excuses to never visit? I can imagine doing that.
It hurts to see Angel like this. I want my Angel back, the mystery guy who became my first love. The only person who could be my knight, and the leather jacket was way cooler than shinning armor and easier to cuddle up to.
Angel was my stability, my sanity, when I had him my world made sense. Maybe if I told him how important he was to me he wouldn't have left. Instead I told him I'd "moved on to the living". I told him I needed someone I could depend on, someone I trusted, someone I knew, someone who made me happy. All the while implying that he was none of those things.
When Angel was gone I found Riley and tried to make him take Angel's place. I wanted someone who was always there for me, barring soul-loss, and who never asked anything of me.
Angel had done that, up to the day that he walked away from me. He gave me space when I asked for it. He was there waiting for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on or a willing ear. He loved me and would take whatever I offered in return, be it my whole heart or stupid childish games. Even when he left he did it because he thought that was what was best for me. He was wrong, but I have to give him points for his intent. Riley left cause I wasn't a good enough girlfriend. Well he wasn't really one to talk.
All I asked from Riley was what Angel had always given me. Maybe that was unfair, but fair or not Riley didn't live up to expectations. No once could measure up to the standard Angel had set I guess.
I want him back; I've missed Angel so badly; but not like this. Angel needed my help and I wasn't there for him, and now he's not here, not really.
He's sleeping now, his head pillowed on my thigh, face buried against my stomach, arms loosely wrapped around my waist. It feels intimate, but it's not. There's not enough understanding, just a need to be close. Ever since I walked into the room he's wanted to touch me. Only it isn't my lover's touch. He's not Angel, no matter how much he looks like him.
He's sweet. He's loving. He's not understanding or calming. He's dependant, needy. He's frighteningly, horribly scarred even if the only visible marks are the three meaningless letters amateurly tattooed on to his hand. Nobody says it, but it's my fault this happened.
That's why there was only one option. The only reason the issue even exists is because of my mistake. I don't have the right to take the easy way out. That's what killing him would be. Then I wouldn't have to look at him and see the damage that I allowed to be done to him. I wouldn't have to sit here, holding him and wondering about things worse than Hell itself.
By all rights taking care of Angel should be my responsibility, but I still kill my goldfish. Willow doesn't let me cat-sit and Anya always panicked every time I tried to hold her and Xander's daughter. I can't be responsible for a person!
Angel always said I'd want kids someday, which proves yet again, how badly mistaken he could be sometimes. First off I can barely maintain a relationship for a whole year, something always goes wrong. Maybe cause they aren't the one I really want. And even if I could find a guy, I can't exactly take a maternity leave from Slaying. Then, assuming both the baby and I survive the pregnancy I've already outlived ninety-nine percent of all the Slayers that ever were. My odds are worse than bad and degrading every night. The chances of me living long enough to see this hypothetical child enter grade school aren't worth calculating.
I'll never have children, but caring for Angel would mean accepting a similar responsibility… plus quite a bit, because your average two year old isn't capable of killing someone. I've only been reminded about a hundred times that killing is natural to vampires and no matter how harmless Angel seems he's still a vampire.
What they don't see is that having a soul still counts. It's so obvious. Sure it could be a problem if Angel felt threatened or if he got angry, but even then he still listens to Cordy.
According to Cordelia's story he got shot when that idiot tried to threaten her and Angel still stopped short of killing the guy. Sure the thug had to go to the hospital, but who really cares, the guy deserved it. If Angel hadn't of been there Cordy might have been the one that got shot.
We know Cordy can handle dealing with Angel. She's been doing it for almost half a year now, and she wants to. She's even more vehement than I am when it comes to the no way in Hell are we staking Angel debate.
While I indulged in denial she grieved. Angel was the second close friend she'd lost during her first two years in LA. Doyle and Angel were the first real friends she'd ever had. I try to imagine how I would have felt if Willow and Xander were both killed, only it was more than that. They weren't just her best friends. Cordy had been falling in love with Doyle when he died and she saw Angel as being family.
Even thought no one talks about it, I know some sort of badness happened a few months before Angel vanished. Still they'd all made up during those months. It made Angel's loss that much harder on them. Cordelia won't even consider loosing him again. She wouldn't appreciate me taking Angel away from LA, even if he should be my responsibility.
Even if all the other reasons didn't exist I'd still leave Angel with Cordy because he's happy with her. That's what it all boils down to in the end. However bad things were, they're not anymore. I want him to be happy more than anything else, it's the only real way I can make up for failing to be there when he needed me.
Angel smiles, he purrs and okay, that's not very human, but it's a happy sound. He isn't in any pain. By all indications he's content here, it would be stupid for me to take him away. Cordy is better for him emotionally. The way she loves him isn't tainted by broken dreams or guilt.
And I'll visit, I really will.