Hope – Cordelia
We didn't expect Angel to understand death. We expected him to look for them, to wait for them like he used to wait for Buffy's visits, even after she quit coming. Jumping up every time the door opened only to be disappointed every time it wasn't her. Eventually it would drive Spike up the wall and he'd take Angel to Sunnydale to see her.
During the first year Buffy came to visit once a month like clockwork. After that the visits got less frequent until the fourth year when she stopped coming altogether. Angel never stopped expecting her monthly visits thought. Not until Buffy and Spike died more than a decade later. After that he stopped waiting for her.
We thought we were going to loose Angel after they died, of course it's impossible to tell how much of what followed was because them dying and how much was because of Willow. After Willow hit him Angel disappeared into the tunnels below Sunnydale. Wesley, Gunn, Kate and I searched for weeks before we found him and the whole time we were terrified that Xander would find him first and kill him, even though what happened was totally Willow's fault. Once we found Angel it took the better part of a week to get him to trust us again. When we finally got him to come with us, Willow had the nerve to come try to apologize and he freaked again. Didn't she understand you can't do things like that to Angel, and that apologies just don't make any difference at all with him? He trusted her and she hurt him, okay Willow never had the strength to hurt Angel just by hitting him, but she struck him in anger. None of us had even yelled at Angel since we got him back and she hit him. And no, it's not anything like Spike and Angel playing, no matter what Xander may think. The emotions were different and the one thing Angel never got confused about was emotion.
Angel improved once we got him back to LA, where everything was familiar again. He grieved and he carried Spike's jacket around with him for weeks, and he still panics if he can't find his picture of Buffy, but he got better. At least he stopped watching us like he expected us to turn on him at any moment.
He never learned to trust anyone new though. I want to blame Willow for that, but I don't know that she is responsible. Angel has never trusted anyone that he didn't know from before, it just wasn't that big of a deal at first. It became more of an issue as we lost people. Gunn was killed fighting demons and Kate died in a car crash and then there was just Wesley and I. We found new people to help staff Angel Investigations, but no matter how great they've all been it isn't the same. Angel doesn't seem to relate to them, not really
The deaths changed Angel. Took away some of the childishness, leaving him more solemn. Sometimes I thought I could see traces of the person he'd been before in his grief, but I think that must have been wistfulness on my part because before Angel would never have clung to those who remained as he did. He hated for us to be away from him.
It was so hard when Wes died. We were always a family, the three of us. In the old days Angel was our protective much older and more mature brother to Wes and I's squabbling siblings act. During those awful five years when we thought Angel was dead Wes and I stopped fighting and just clung to what we had left. At first, when Angel came back Wes tried to keep his distance but once you've named a person as family you can never completely turn your back on them. He and Angel and I had been through so much together it was hard to believe he was gone. So what if he was over eighty years old and died of a heart attack, it was still a shock.
It also made me really think about how I could make sure Angel was taken care of after I died. I overheard someone at the funeral ask if Angel were my grandson, and I had to face the fact that he looks young enough be.
On and off over the years we've always had the what's-going-to-become-of-Angel-if-something-should-happen-to-us discussion. For a long time the answer was Spike will take care of him." And, sure, Spike was a soulless demon, but he liked taking care of Angel. In his way I think he loved Angel, he would have made sure Angel was always okay. What we never foresaw was Spike dying to keep the Hellmouth closed.
After that we didn't have an answer for what would happen to Angel if we died. Now the question becomes what is going to happen when I die. There's no one else left and it's only a matter of time. I feel old. My bones ache and my hair went a very nice shade of silver years ago. I look quite dignified really. Sometimes I remember who I was and I can hardly believe who I've become, me, Cordelia Chase, Queen C, with wrinkles and silver hair looking dignified and loving it. The current active members of Angel Investigations look to me as the voice of experience and wisdom.
They're good kids; Dana, the Slayer who wasn't, my dearest little Emily, and Drift who can reminds me so much of Angel sometimes it's scary.
They'd be happy to take care of Angel for me, as would any of our other alumni. The only problem is Angel. He won't cooperate. He won't stay with them. He always finds a way to come back to me. It would be sweet if it weren't so frustrating. I don't know what to do about him. I won't have him locked up, but I can't stand the idea of him living on the streets again like he was when Kate found him. I don't worry that he'd hurt anyone anymore. I mean he didn't kill Willow after all. I worry more about him getting hurt; he isn't very popular among vampires and other demon types.
I spent years after Wes' death trying to find an answer to my dilemma without success and now it's too late.
I feel a large cool hand slide carefully into mine as if he's afraid my fingers may break like dried, brittle twigs and I'm not sure that he's wrong. "Oh Angel," I sigh. He's really not supposed to be here, especially not when he's unsupervised. Vampires and hospitals just don't mix. But nothing, not even day light can keep him away for long.
A part of me wants to give in and let him stay till the end, but that would be admitting defeat, I need to find a solution he can live with before I die. I've even considered Xander's solution, God how I've learned to hate that book he made me read. I hate it because I understand it; I understand why George killed him in the end. It had to be done and the only way to be sure that he didn't suffer was for George to do it himself. I understand that, and even when I know Angel won't hurt anyone I still have to consider it because I won't let Angel suffer ever again and that's the only way to be sure.
I can see the beginnings of terror in Angel's face as he stares and the IV's running into my arm and he gingerly rearranges the blankets on the bed to hide them from view.
I reach across my body to stroke the back of his hand. With a soft moan he buries his face against my shoulder.
"Shh, it's alright," I murmur, moving to stroke his soft velvety hair. I don't want to leave you, but that the way of things. You'll be okay. Dana, Emily and Drift love you, you won't be alone. I promise Angel, you'll never be left alone."
"Stay…" a low word, his voice so gravely that it sounds more than halfway like a growl. I'm hearing things. Angel just… No not after all these years he can't have!
"C… Cor, stay," It's real. I'm not hearing things. I could sing, heck I could dance!
"Angel?" I ask, Please let this be real, I think, let him answer me.
"P…please?"