Then I find that I'll do fine.
When I look on in your eyes,
Then I'll do better.
I was the one to let you know
I was your sorry-ever-after."
~ "'74-'75", The Connells
Dear Yamato,
I'm sorry that I missed you earlier this morning. It might have been better to tell you this in person, rather than writing you this note. But you seemed so peaceful, lying sprawled upon the chair in the living room. You must have waited up for me an awfully long time, and I did not want to wake you. I don't believe much would have dragged you from sleep anyway -- you barely made a sound when I carried you to bed.
I'm not completely sure where and how to begin with what I want to say. I'm not as great with words as you are. So I'll put it bluntly, Yamato -- I don't have the time nor the patience to deal with your wounded pride. I don't have the strength to soothe your hurt feelings. I'm exhausted, and I don't believe sleep will be coming to me easily.
Yamato, is it selfish of me to want to be the one comforted, for once? To be the one needing to lean upon another? You're right when you say I rarely let my true hurt show. It's something my brothers and I were taught from an early age by our father -- never break down completely, never let on exactly how vulnerable you truly are. Always have, as the Americans say, "that ace up your sleeve." No, it's not always the best advice, I know...
I suppose I just expected more from you. I expected you to be understanding when I did let my guard down. It looks as if I've assumed wrong. You claim you'll be there for me, if only I give you a second chance. What guarantee of that do I have?
I spent last night at Shuu's apartment. I came back here this morning to get a few possessions of mine. It looks as if I'll be staying with Shuu for at least a little while -- Shin's disappearance was hard on him, though he'll never let on how much he's hurting. We need each other to lean on, in our own quiet way. The Kido way.
I will not be gone forever. You know that Shuu's apartment is just two train stops away. I do want you to be there for me. I do still love you, but my brother needs me. I need him.
We should talk more in person, Yamato. Call me at Shuu's. I'll be waiting.
I miss you,
Kido Jou