"Fly Away to the Clouds of Heaven"
Chapter 3: Cassie
Lifeless and weak.
That's how he looked as he laid upon the hospital bed. The tubes that were all over him reminded me of plugs, plugs that were keeping whatever life force he had left in his body within him.
"Daddy," I whispered as I touched the window that peered inside of his room.
Never, in all of my life, had I seen him as he was at this moment. My father, the strongest man I knew, was helpless.
When we had first gotten to the hospital, we were informed that the driver of the other car was an elderly man, who had been killed instantly.
He was out of his misery.
My father's was still there.
My own misery had just begun.
I slowly touched the handle of the door that led into his room, then stopped.
Perhaps, if I didn't go in there I could go home. I could go to my house and fall asleep upon my bed and dream this nightmare away. Maybe if I did that, then it would come to be, that all of this was a dream.
Maybe I was still on the grass with Jake's arms around my body squeezing tight. Perhaps I had fallen asleep on the field and slipped into this nightmare. Maybe I'll wake up at this very moment feeling the bliss of Jake's kiss upon my face.
I didn't.
I drew a breath and walked inside my father's room, and stopped a few feet away from his bed. I was afraid that if I touched him something would break.
I drew another breath, then walked to his side. I sat on the small couch that was close to his bed.
"Hey you," I choked out, not sure as to what to say.
I wanted to reach out and hold his hand, but I feared what I would push out of place.
I got no reply from him as I sat there for a few minutes, hoping he would answer me.
"Well," I continued, "looks like you got yourself into some trouble here daddy. I told you about driving so fast. Knowing you, you probably saw some animal in the road and turned out of the way. My daddy, the selfless hero," I explained, waiting for him to reply with some witty remark that he's always given.
Always?
I smiled, despite myself, at the irony of that word. It seemed a joke at this instant, because 'always' seemed to be fading away.
I slowly reached out and touched my fingers to my father's hand.
"Please don't leave me. I need you to help me grow up. If you die, I don't know what I would do," I spoke out to him.
My tears, that I had held back with all the strength my body, were now flowing down my face like an unending waterfall. I couldn't stand to watch as the most important man in my life slipped away from me.
"Cassie," I heard my mother's voice whisper as she entered the room.
I turned around to her, my vision blurry from all the tears. I wiped my eyes and looked at my Mom.
She seemed so hollow as she gazed upon my father. Her love for him was evident in those eyes, as she watched the man she held so dear, hang on for his life.
I got up from the couch and motioned for her to sit in my place. She did so, and let her hand reach out to my father's with no hesitation. She had come in earlier and sat with him when we first arrived. I had looked into the window as she sat in here, crying her soul away. Her soul, that obviously was so attached to my father's.
"What are you going to do," I whispered out, breaking the thick silence that enveloped the room.
She looked up at me with a sad smile upon her face.
"What we always do honey, manage," she whispered back.
"I'm not talking about me Mom, I'm talking about you. That's the man you love slipping away from you, and all you can say is that you'll manage," I replied.
"What do you want me to do honey," my mother began quickly, "I can't work miracles with the will of my soul. As your father lays here a piece of me is dying too. I love him too much to let him go," she said, looking back down at him.
"Then don't let him go. Maybe there's still hope," I replied, my voice lifting.
"Honey, the doctors said there's some internal bleeding," she spoke out.
"They can fix it with surgery," I snapped back quietly.
"Cassie, your father has always raised you to be one not to pull lies over your eyes. For his sake, don't do it now. It'll only hurt worse later," my mother explained pleadingly.
I couldn't take much more of this.
"What about how it feels now," I sobbed out into the air becoming hysterical, "I can't handle this right now in my life! I need him, I want him here with me, with you, with us, as a family! For once, in a long time of my life, I have become normal! All the heartache I've gone through before was finally washed away! I thought I had earned my life back," I cried into the air as my tears came down harder.
My mother rushed over gathering me in her arms. I sobbed into her shoulder more than I've ever cried before in my whole entire life.
"You do have your life back Cassie," my mother whispered soothingly.
"Not if he's not here with me," I cried back.
My Mom pulled me away from her.
"He's always going to be here for you honey, just like I'll always be. Even if you don't know we're there, we will always be with you," she said looking into my eyes.
I looked at my mother for a moment. She truly was the strength of our family. Even as her one love laid upon the bed hanging on a life line so weak and far away, she was comforting me.
I hugged her hard, looking towards my father's body. He was breathing in a steady rhythm, but I didn't believe he was truly still there. I decided to step away from my own sorrows and consider my mother's.
"You need some time alone with him," I concluded.
"Where are you going to be honey," my mother asked sitting back next to my father's bed.
"I really have no idea," I replied walking out of the room.
***
"The doctors are saying it's internal bleeding and that he may be dying slowly," I explained.
I was talking to Jake, just pouring the details out to him. He had been in the hospital as well, and had even taken me home, but I explained it to him some more.
Or perhaps I was just telling myself the story over and over again so I could realize this was truly happening.
"I'm so sorry Cassie. Maybe the doctors can do an operation or something," he suggested, as I felt his arm go around my shoulders.
We were in his room this time. It was definitely a first that we had our night meetings at his house, but I couldn't stand my own home right now. I would just end up looking at my walls that were decorated with pictures of my father. Pictures of my family.
My family that was now breaking apart.
Jake and I had been here for an hour now, with me just talking about how I felt. His parents had left out to the hospital as soon as we arrived here, telling them the news. It had to be well at least one o'clock in the morning right now.
I turned to Jake and gazed into his eyes that looked so tired. They most likely matched my own.
"It doesn't ever seem to end does it? All the sorrows and deaths," I spoke out.
"I guess not Cassie, because if they end, then so does everything else. I guess some wise person might say, you can't have life without death, and you can't have happiness without pain," he said, holding me tighter.
"Well, that wise person is a fool," I spat out as I got up peering into the sky.
I knew I was, unlike my usual self, beyond reason at the moment. I didn't want to hear people trying to explain why something like this was okay. Not when I truly felt it wasn't.
"Whatever happened to every good deed having a reward? Is this my reward Jake? Is this some kind of prize, for me to finally get my life back, just to have it turned upside down all over again? When am I going to truly be happy," I asked, no longer talking to Jake, but asking God.
"How can you know you're happy if you've never been sad," Jake spoke out quietly behind me.
I turned to him with a puzzled look upon my face.
"When did you become such a philosopher," I asked.
That misplaced smile came upon Jake's face as he walked towards me. He gazed out the window into the night sky as his arms wrapped around my body.
"I have a good teacher," he whispered in my ear.
If I had possessed the strength at that very moment, I would have let a small smile come upon my face. It would have been the first smile I had in hours, and most likely the last one I'd have in days, possibly weeks, to come.
I let out a small yawn as I rested my head upon Jake's shoulder.
"Cassie, you have got to get some sleep," he said looking down into my weary eyes.
"Yeah, I better be heading home," I said turning towards the window.
"Home," Jake asked gently touching my arm, stopping me.
I looked into his eyes, and this time, truly did let a smile play across my lips. It seemed ironic how quickly our roles to one another had changed so much. I remember the nights, during the war, when he would get ready to leave my room after pouring his soul out to me. I could also remember how many times I truly didn't want him to leave, because I feared what he was capable of doing to himself in his depressed state of mind.
"Do you want me to stay here," I asked.
"The question isn't if I want you to stay here Cassie. The question is, do you want to stay here," he replied, obviously searching my eyes for an answer.
I looked out into the sky and back at Jake.
"Yeah I do, but I feel so untouchable right now, like I'm not stable. I can't even explain these feelings. The world is spinning and I feel like I'm floating and can't-" I said, but stopped as the tears returned and tumbled down my face.
Jake pulled me closer kissing my forehead.
Just like my father had done a few nights before.
This thought didn't help as I cried harder.
"If you can't stay on the ground Cassie, then let me be your anchor. We can get through this together. You and me," he whispered into my ear.
I pulled away and nodded as I laid my head upon Jake's pillow letting sleep slowly come to me. I felt Jake's body and arms wrap tightly around myself as he pulled the covers over us.
"I love you," he whispered into my ear beside me, also closing his eyes.
"What happens when love isn't enough," I whispered back, with my gaze intent on his face.
Jake slowly opened his eyes once again and studied my expression, possibly wondering what I meant.
"A wise person once told me, love is always enough," he said, reaching up to touch my chin.
"Then, with all the love my mother and I have for my father, why is God still taking him away from us," I asked.
He just looked at me with those sad, weary eyes of his. I suppose I sounded like a toddler asking if Santa Claus was real or not. Asking questions to obvious answers.
Jake's lips just came to mine in what was possibly his reply to the question. I let my lips feel the soft kiss, but did nothing to truly return it.
"I wish I could be the one to give you all the answers Cassie, but I'm learning just like you are," he concluded.
I simply nodded as I moved my face close to his neck, letting my lullaby to sleep be the rhythm of his pulse.
Yes, Jake, please be my anchor, because without you holding me, I think I'd slip away.
End of Chapter 3:
Ryoko notes: Hmmm, just keep reading. ;-)