Sephiroth
and Cloud are dozing in each other's arms. Both are butt-naked.
The alarm clock on the bedside table next to them goes off.
BEEEEEEEP!!
BEEEEEEEP!!
Cloud:
(sleepily) Wha-?
Sephiroth:
What the he- ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHH!!!
Cloud:
ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!! Nononononono!
Sephiroth:
What are we doing? What WERE we doing? Why are we in the SAME
BED?!?!
Cloud:
(confused) Huh? Oh yeah that too
Seph:
(even more confused) So what were you screaming about?
Cloud:
Someone's been messing with my hair products! (close to tears)
Seph:
Oh yeah that was me. (sheepishly) Sorry.
Cloud:
(furious) WHAT!! You f***in bastard! You're gonna pay for this!
YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK!!! (jumps out of bed and grabs Mythril
Sabre off ground)
Seph:
Hey! At least my hair smells nice now!
Cloud:
(sniffs) Mmmmmm minty fresh!
Seph:
(smiling broadly) You see?
Just
then footsteps can be heard from far off. Footsteps belonging to a
pink-clad flower-girl by the name of –
Cloud
and Seph in unison: AERIS?!?!?!
Seph:
Quick! Get into bed with me!
Cloud:
(blushing) Oh, you!
Seph:
I mean it! If we pretend we're an item she won't bother
us!
Cloud:
(pained) Pretend?! But I thought we WERE an item! I mean, I've
given everything to you! My heart, my virginity, even my Sailor Moon
cards!
Seph:
YOU WERE A BABY! YOU DIDN'T HAVE CANDY! YOU HAD NOTHING ELSE
THAT I COULD TAKE! But forget that, get in!
Cloud:
Whatever you say, sugar buns!! (jumping into bed with Seph)
Seph:
Don't. Touch. Me.
Aeris
bursts into the room, wearing nothing but a teeny G-string and see
through blouse.
Aeris:
Yoo-hoo, Cloud!! Oh there you! And Sephy-baby too! My my, this is
a raunchy gathering. (winking)
Cloud:
Go away! Me and Seph are screwing!
Seph:
(aghast) NO! NO! I mean
Time
froze. Well Aeris did at least. Well, at least she stopped gyrating
her hips.
Seph:
This is weird.
Cloud:
(nodding) Freaky as!
Seph:
What the hell is going on? What unseen forces are working against
us?
Cloud:
Unseen? You mean, as in we can't see them? Yikes! (jumps up
from bed) My gels! My hair sprays! My scrunchies! (grabs them into
arms)
Seph:
Calm down man! I mean kid. Don't you see? Something
else is controlling us! We're doing things we wouldn't
normally be doing! Well except for you that is. You've
always been a loser.
Cloud:
(nodding sadly) Yeah.
Seph:
But forget that. We need to find out what's going on.
The
door opens again. This time, Vincent comes in.
Vincent:
Cloud Strife, you are needed below. (turns to go – then turns
back and winks) Nice buns. (exits)
Seph:
Now, I KNOW Vincent would never do that.
Cloud:
(shiftily) Well
Seph:
LET'S GO AND FIND THE PERSON WHO'S BEEN DOING THIS TO US!
Author:
Teh, look no further. Here I am.
Seph:
(looking around) What? Who said that?
Author:
It's me. The author. The person who has you under my complete
control. I can make you do aaaaaanything I want.
Cloud:
ARGH! Even make me dye my hair pink?
Author:
(proudly) yep.
Cloud:
(excited) Cool, do it then!
Author:
Err later. Right now, I want to have some fun.
Seph:
Oh, right, and you think we're just going to stand around and
let you do it?
Author:
Yes.
Seph:
Think again. (picks up masumune blade. And promptly drops it on
his foot)
Seph:
AARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! THAT HURT YOU F***IN BITCH!
An
anvil falls on his head.
Author:
What a classic. And no profanity please. This fic is rated G.
Cloud:
A fic? As in an ice fic?
Seph:
That's a PICK you loser.
Cloud:
(confused) So what's a fic?
Author:
(patiently) This is a fanfic. This is a fanfic about you. You are
characters in this fanfic.
Seph:
WHAT?!! A character?!?! So we're not real?
Cloud:
Man, that sucks! Let's get her Seph!
A
furious fight ensues, wherein our heroes get battered with their own
weapons.
Author:
You're trying to rebel NOW? After 2 years of being under my
power?
Seph:
What?!?! So all that time..
Cloud:
We were just a figment of your imagination?
Loud
applause is heard.
Cloud:
What's that?
Author:
Congratulations. You just said your first 11-letter word.
Cloud:
(proudly) Cool!
Seph:
Oh god. Where's Jenova when you need her?
Cloud:
Jenova? As in your extra-hot mum?
Seph:
WHAT?!?! You have a crush on my mum?! You better stay away from her
you punk!
Cloud:
Hey. Don't blame me. The feeling's mutual.
Seph:
No. No way. JENOVA!!
Suddenly
the clouds open and down descends Jenova, the gold band around her
head sparkling with rain.
Jenova;
Hey Sephy! Hi Cloud! (blows a kiss)
Cloud:
Hey babe!
Cloud
and Jenova start making out on the bed.
Seph:
ARGH!
He
turns his eyes skywards.
Seph:
Please Author person, get me outta here. I don't care what you
do to me, just GET ME OUT!! PLEASE I'M BEGGING YOU!! (full
out crying) THIS IS TERRIBLE! TERRRRRIBLLLLE!!
Author:
(thinks) Okay okay, just hang on.
Change
of scene. Sephiroth is now in a small, claustrophobic chamber with
depressing black walls. He is tied up, lying on the ground.
Seph:
Er hello? Anyone here?
Someone
emerges from the shadows.
Someone:
(deep voice) Hello, Sephiroth.
Seph:
(nervous) Um, who are you?
Someone:
(moves into the light) It's me!
Seph:
(screams) NO! It's Mukki!
Mukki:
You got that right, baby! Come to papa!
And
with this he jumps on top of Seph's naked struggling body.
Seph's
screams resounds throughout the night.
The
end.
Or is it?!
