Trabian Psycho
by Flagg (flagg@antisocial.com)
Warning: Selphie talks in emotes. May contain slight traces of crossover. Plot contrivances
WILL be abused. Fic gets extremely dark at times. May imitate Fritz Fraundorf's writing
style in places. ALL THIS CHARACTER ARE BELONG TO SQUARESOFT. If you are reading this, you
are most likely on the Sattelite of Love.
Inspired by Ranma 1/2 Kasumi Axe Murderess fics and the song "Institutionalized" by Suicidal
Tendencies. Enjoy!
1
After band members Yuffie and Chu-Chu assisted Selphie in spray painting their band's
name all over the city and evading the police, Selphie arrived by herself at in a small room
where someone was changing behind some folding dressing panels. From behind them a long
haired man jumped out and posed, donning women's clothing.
"Oh Sir Laguna! You look so cool in this lacy beige dress! ^___^" Selphie exclaimed as
Laguna examined himself in the mirror.
"You really think so? I was worried the tiara would clash." he said, twisting to see
more angles of his physique.
"Yes, absolutely! Now we'll paint your nails white."
"White? Aww, can't we paint them red?"
"White will look better. ^_^" she insisted, getting to work on Laguna's nails. After
doing one of his hands, she fanned at his nails.
"So what do you think? ^^;"
Laguna examined his nails carefully, tilting his hand side to side. Then he gave his
answer by opening his mouth and emitting a deafening buzzing noise.
Selphie was now awake, mashing on her alarm clock's snooze button.
Another morning in Balamb Garden's dorms. Selphie hadn't gotten much sleep the night
before, having spent most of it posting on the Garden Network. She was normally a morning
person but this morning she felt rather stiff, and could easily have done without getting up
from the languid position she'd been in for the last five hours. Looking around her room
something didn't seem quite right, but she couldn't put her finger on it.
"Nn... oh no, my Garden uniform! O_O" she exclaimed, scrambling off of her bed.
Underneath was her uniform, which she had pressed numerous wrinkles into. With a shrug she
decided she'd just have to iron it later; today was not a day she had classes. She had set
her alarm simply to keep in the habit of waking up early, as posting on the Garden Network's
boards got too addictive for her. Selphie looked around her room again wondering what was off
this morning, but once again she couldn't figure it out. The next thought to cross Selphie's
mind-- check her mail. Being a member of SeeD had it's perks, Selphie's favorite being the
computer in her dorm. Selphie slid her feet into her fuzzy slippers and planted herself at
her terminal as she opened a Hostess snack pie. New mail today! Receiving new and exciting
messages were always welcome.
"ARE YOU IN DEBT? NO PROBLEM!!! WE WILL APPR--" Selphie immediately deleted the
message.
"UR PAGE SUX HOW COULD U POST YAOI DWARWRINGS OF LAUGNA ON TEH FRONT PAGE! U R JUST
SOME PERV WHO CANT GET A MAN AND DONT TRULY APPECATE LAGUNAS TIMBAR MANIAC JOURNELS!"
"Chu-Chu updated my page again... -_-;;;" Selphie thought to herself, taking a hungry
bite of her snack pie.
"hahaha laguna is lame you shouldn't make a whole website about him he's old by now
and doesn't look like he did when he was young so you should make a website about my friend
wimbly donner bcuz he left the garden and he's real dumb. make a page about wimbly so we can
laugh at how stupid he is!!!!"
"aelphie, yjod od zell. ate uou getttinf tjis message? i'n typibg witg ,y eyes
clpsed@@"
The following messages were more advertisements for bootleg Triple Triad cards, more
flames regarding Chu-Chu's yaoi on her fanpage, and...more flames regarding her page. She
decided to bug Chu-Chu about it right away, but not before taking another confused look around
her room.
"Chu-Chu!!" she exclaimed, pounding on the door to Chu-Chu's room. "Open up!!"
Selphie noticed two male Garden members staring at her. Her first thought was that
she hadn't done her hair up all pointy and mushroom-like yet. Then she realized she was out
in the hallway in nothing more than her panties, slippers, and a tight-fitting T-shirt.
"Please let me in right now! ^^;;;" she nervously said, trying to open the door, which
was unlocked anyway. Inside Chu-Chu was blasting music she was apparently dancing to.
"Chu-Chu! You put yaoi on my page again! @_@" she exclaimed. Chu-Chu didn't seem to
notice.
"That's it, you can't work on my page anymore! You put those pictures up and I'm the
one who gets flamed -_-;" she concluded. This caught Chu-Chu's attention.
"Chu can't just ditch me like that! I've done so many updates for chu while chu're
out with Irvine!" she said.
"Yes but..."
"Nono! Fine! I won't work on your page anymore!" she said, turning away.
"Well you can if you just--"
"Na uh! Talk chu the hand!" she interrupted, holding out one of her furry hands.
Seeing how uncooperative she was, Selphie decided to bolt back to her room before anyone saw
her indecent again, realizing how brain dead she was acting that morning.
Back in her room she changed into her yellow dress and fixed up her hair as best she
could--it was another bad hair day. The ends of her hair somewhere in the back just wouldn't
stay up, no matter how much hair spray she used! Frustrated by the way things were turning
out, she decided to pick up her nunchakus and head to the Training Center. As she was going
to leave, she realized what was wrong with her room.
"Where are my Beanie Babies!? @___@" she exclaimed examining her shelf. They had been
rearranged to hide the fact that a few of them were missing, and some had been replaced by
cheap plush toys.
"I think I know who did this... -_-" she sighed, and as if on cue her roommate walked
in.
"Gawd, they're out of raisin bread already..." Yuffie muttered, sipping some orange
juice.
"YUFFIE! You stole from me!! @_@" Selphie shouted, grabbing Yuffie by her bony
shoulders.
"He~eey! I always borrow from you-- I mean, what are you so mad about now?"
"What are these things!? :|" Selphie demanded, holding a cheap stuffed moogle in
front of Yuffie's face.
"Oh.... your Beanies?"
"THESE ARE NOT MY BEANIES!! _" Selphie said, tossing the stuffy onto her bed.
Selphie felt somewhat awkward shouting at Yuffie, realizing it wasn't normally her nature to
get this angry. But there was no way she was reasonably coping with this inconsiderate
behavior.
"Gawd alright, I stole a few of your Beanies! I like, had to, I was going to be in
trouble if I didn't pay off my lawsuit and I couldn't scrape together the money! They
wouldn't leave me alone about some kid who ate a toy he got from YuffieCave or something, I
dunno! You don't want your best friend to go to jail, right?"
"How many did you steal...?" Selphie asked, exasperated.
"I just sold five of them, plus that Brownie twin one you said was so expensive."
"That one was limited edition. ." she whined, sitting down on her bed.
"Gawd, you don't have to get all upset with me! It's not like they did anything
except collect dust on your shelves! Here, you can do whatever you want with something of
mine!" Yuffie said, placing her giant shuriken into Selphie's lap.
"What am I supposed to do with this? -_-;;" Selphie said, taking the shuriken in her
hand.
"Whatever you did with those Beanies, I don't know! Put them up on your shelf? Use
your imagination!" she impatiently replied.
Selphie did not know what to do. This day was starting out miserably, plus she began
to think of previous troubles she had to put up with. She did not want to feel this upset!
There had to be something she could do to get back to her cheerful demeanor. She gripped one
of the giant shuriken's four points in her hand and stood up. A smile crossed her face as she
decided to take Yuffie's advice.
"Y'know, I don't know what's so special about those Beanie Babies anyways, I tried to
replace some of them with other toys and like I said they don't really do anything up
th--aah~!!" Yuffie suddenly felt something wet, sharp, and warm in her back. Then she felt it
in another part of her back, and another, and another, and another. She felt pretty dizzy,
and when the pain got too intense, she passed out.
Selphie continued to stab Yuffie even after she died. It just felt too therapeutic.
She had discovered something new and beautiful this morning. With each puncture she made to
Yuffie's frail body, she felt a little better about everything that went wrong that morning.
After her arm got tired, she stood up and looked down at her friend's corpse.
"She sure had a lot of blood in her! o.o" Selphie whispered to herself, starting a
search for a large tote bag and her extra-special nunchakus...
2
"The fish aren't biting today, ya know?" Raijin said, casting his fishing rod down on
the pier.
"Geez, I'm so bored!" Seifer said, stretching. "Fujin, kick him into the water
again."
Fujin complied, knocking Raijin into the sea with a sharp kick to the back of the leg.
"Ehh... it's starting to lose it's charm. I'm gonna go see if I can win my Odin Card
back from that Card Queen." Seifer said, walking away bobbing his gunblade on his shoulder.
"Gee Fujin, you kicked me pretty hard that time. My leg's really hurtin', ya know?" a
dripping Raijin said, pulling himself back onto the pier. Fujin helped him to his feet, then
stamped on his foot.
"Ow!!" he hopped.
"LEG...BETTER." she said, wiping her hands off on her pants.
"I guess..."
"Heeey! It's the old disciplinary committee! ^____^" Selphie exclaimed, dragging her
tote bag down the pier.
"Oh... Selphie. Gonna make fun of us for being dropouts?" Raijin asked defensively.
"No, I'm just dropping this stuff in the water. ^^" she replied, straining to drag her
tote bag. Those rocks she stuffed in it for extra weight added a bit *too* much weight.
"Oh, well lemme help ya." Raijin said taking the tote bag from her. "Geez, it weighs
a ton, ya know? What's inside?"
"Yeah, I'm sorta burying treasure. ^^;;;"
"WHY? RICH?"
"Yeah, if you're loaded you outta share with us. We're almost outta money, ya know?"
"Nono, it isn't money, and I just thought it would be fun! ^_^"
"You're weird, ya know?"
"Why does everyone say that about me? -_-;;;" Selphie asked insecurely.
"Maybe 'cause you are." Raijin said, sliding the bag off the pier and down to the
bottom of the ocean. Then he noticed faint traces of blood on his hands that had wiped off
from the straps. "Hey, that was a pretty dirty bag...and your nails look blood stained, ya
know!?" Raijin observed. "What'd you do, kill someone?" he mused jokingly.
"Eeek, I've been found out! ^^;;;" Selphie thought to herself, unscrewing the ends of
her nunchakus. She brought these with her for just such an emergency.
"What's with those nunchakus? You're unscrewing them?"
"These aren't my nunchakus," Selphie said pulling off the ends to reveal menacing
steel blades. "They're my sticks of death! ^___^"
"INSANE!" Fujin shouted, leaping back and drawing her large shuriken.
"I'm not crazy you're the one who's crazy!!" Selphie shouted, whirling her bladed
nunchakus around. Raijin backed away but not quickly enough, as his left eye was nicked.
Selphie made a quick dash for Fujin. Fujin tossed her throwing star at Selphie, but the lack
of practice at the Garden kicked in and her move was very predictable. Selphie deflected the
star back at Fujin with her sticks of death and bolted in while she was stunned, plunging one
of her blades into Fujin's chest.
"P-PAINFUL..." she gasped before Selphie lifted her blade through Fujin's torso,
splitting her sternum and knocking her into the water. Before Selphie could revel in her
victim's death however, she had to deal with Raijin who was already recovering from his eye
injury. As soon as he lifted his hand from his eye, Selphie wrapped her nunchakus around his
neck from behind and began to strangle him. Out of shock rather than a lack of experience,
Raijin chose to desperately pull at the chain cutting off his air supply over attacking
Selphie to break free. The result was unconsciousness, then death.
"Well I lost my Ifrit card too, but on the way back I--WHAT THE HELL!?" Seifer spat,
trying to comprehend what he was seeing. "R-Raijin!?"
"Don't feel bad! ^____^ I'm sure he didn't feel a thing. :))))" Selphie said,
dropping Raijin's corpse.
"Those were my best friends! You're crazy!!" Seifer said, engaging a battle stance.
"Why does everyone keep saying that?? -_-;" Selphie said, backing away.
Seifer beared down on Selphie, casting a dark shadow over her.
"Umm... can we talk about this? ^^;" Selphie asked, wielding her sticks of death
defensively. Immediately Seifer took a wild swing Selphie just barely avoided.
"Pleeeaaase?? ^^;;;"
Seifer took another heavy swing, this time splitting her nunchakus at the chain. She
was now nearing the edge of the pier.
"Ohmigod, how could you!? _" Selphie exclaimed. "Do you know how hard it was to get
these made?? Not only did I have to pay 20000 gil for some magazine, the blacksmith wanted me
to pick up two Tonberry knives, eight screws, two Anaconda skins, two lumps of Adamantoise
dung, a--"
"Shut up! You're going to wind up like my posse has now..."
Selphie nearly lost her balance as the heel of her foot went past the edge of the
pier. Then she had an idea.
"Hey... what kind of spells do you have?" Selphie asked, placing her fingers to her
forehead to draw. "Oh cool, Sleep-- that's just what we need! ^_^" she exclaimed, casting one
of Seifer's own spells at him.
"Hey, no!! Ugh..." Seifer sighed as he struggled to stay awake. His gunblade slid out
of his hand as he dropped to his knees.
Selphie slid his gunblade into the sea and proceeded to draw the rest of Seifer's
Sleep spells from him. She'd need them to keep him subdued long enough for more stress relief
and evidence cover-up. Taking a brief moment to puncture Raijin enough times to make him
sink into the sea she started to drag Seifer away, occasionally casting another Sleep spell
to keep him out.
Making things up to evade nosy citizens was bothersome, but Selphie finally made it
out of town and to the train tracks. It was a good thing too; she was almost out of Sleeps.
Selphie pulled Seifer's coat over his head, cast another Sleep spell on him, and laid him on
the tracks.
"Traaain train, take us away..." she began to sing as she pranced away. She always
liked trains. Everything about them. And not but half a minute later did the Timber-Balamb
train speed by, drowning out her song and scattering Seifer across the landscape. Selphie
felt warm and fuzzy inside.
3
Back at Balamb Garden Quistis, Nida, and Rinoa were sitting around listening to the
details of Squall's recent trip to Esthar.
"He's nuts." Nida laughed.
"...and so Ward walks up to him, puts a *voice box* to his throat and begins chewing
Laguna out." Squall continued. The other three laughed even harder. "Kiros then came in
and looked around, and man... he was so freaked."
"I wish you'd have been able to take me." Rinoa giggled, resting her head on Squall's
shoulder.
"Hi! ^_^" Selphie exclaimed to announce her entry.
"Oh, Selphie," Quistis said, stifling laughter. "You just missed the funniest thing.
It's about Squall's meeting with the president of Esthar."
"Aww, I wish I'd been able to see Sir Laguna again." Selphie smiled.
"Where've you been all afternoon, Selphie?" Nida asked.
"I went to Balamb looking for Yuffie," she replied. "She said she was going there,
and I haven't seen her since. o.o;"
"She'll probably turn up when she's bored...or when the police bring her back here."
Quistis said.
"I guess you're right. ^^"
"Go on Squall, tell her what happened." Rinoa said.
"Well, when I first got to the president's room the first thing I noticed--"
"HEEEEELLP!!!" Zell screamed as he rushed in, now running around in circles being
chased by a domestic cat. Rinoa rescued Zell by scooping up the cat in her arms. When Zell
came to a halt, he was breathing deeply and his arms were covered in scratches.
"Zell, what the hell did you do now?" Squall asked calmly.
"That cat was trying to kill me!" Zell exclaimed.
"Why was it trying to kill you?" Quistis asked.
"It scratched me because I was trying to stuff it into a treasure chest!" Zell
whimpered.
"...stuff?"
"There were four other cats in it, but if it hadn't started attacking me I could've
fit it in there too."
"And why were trying to do this?" Squall asked, now impatient.
"So I could take those cats to the beach!"
"But why did you want to do that?"
Zell pondered this question carefully and concluded by shrugging his shoulders. "I
dunno, it seemed like a good idea at the time."
"You've been really bored lately, huh Zell?" Rinoa said, shaking her head.
"Oh, hi Irvine." Quistis greeted.
"Irvy-poo! ^_^" Selphie exclaimed.
"Sefie!" Irvine said, embracing Selphie.
"My sticks of death are broken. :(" Selphie pouted. "Would you have any Adamantine,
Irvy-poo? ^^;"
"I don't think so... I might've used it up already. Tell ya what. I'll go get some
for you!" Irvine grinned.
"Booyaka! You're the coolest! ^-^"
"By the way, how did this happen?"
"Seifer broke them while I was in Balamb. But I kicked his butt good! ^^;"
"Seifer? Huh... well I'm glad to hear that. If that's the case, I'm taking the
Ragnarok..." Irvine said, exiting the room.
"Whhp-psh!!" Quistis hissed, making whipping motions. Rinoa and Quistis laughed.
Selphie looked at the snapped chain of her sticks of death, but didn't really feel as
sad as she expected to. Much like the way stabbing Yuffie had made her feel better about her
prized Beanie Babies, murdering the disciplinary committee made her feel a lot better about
her custom weapon. As long as there were fresh prey, Selphie could maintain her cheerful
attitude all the time...
4
There was a knock on Selphie's door.
"Selphie? It's Nida. Headmaster Cid wanted me to talk to you."
"Ahh... just a sec... come in! ^^;"
Nida walked into Selphie's room lit by dim evening light and sat down. Selphie was
sitting at her computer, her face glowing an eerie shade of blue from the light of her
monitor.
"Hi, uhh... how have you been?" Nida asked.
"Okay I guess. ^^" Selphie said.
"Is that so? Have you seen Yuffie in the last three days?"
"Hmmm... I don't think so."
"What do you mean by that? Did you or didn't you see her?"
"No, I haven't. But Yuffie does this sometimes..." Selphie said, not looking away
from her terminal.
"She's never been absent from the Garden this long without some kind of notice...
aren't you worried about her?"
"Of course, Nida. ^^"
"You haven't acted too concerned... are you holding it in to stay cheerful around us?"
"Maybe. ^^;" Selphie said, feeling slightly nervous now.
"You don't have to hold back with us. You and Yuffie were close friends, so it's
understandable that you'd feel stressed by her disappearance. I'll have to ask you questions
about your last--"
"Umm, can we do this another time? -_-;;" Selphie asked.
"Oh...I understand. When would be a good time to talk to you? Tomorrow maybe?" Nida
asked, standing up.
"How about the day after, same time? ^^;"
"Alright, that'll do. I'm sorry about her disappearance. I have to go interrogate
people that Yuffie has had some past conflict with meaning... I'll be visiting a lot of
dorms all evening for the next couple of days. Especially since over forty people have
confessed to killing her." Nida sighed as he exited. "Take care..."
"Bye! ^_^" Selphie said, closing the door right behind him. When she turned back
to her computer, the screen was blue.
"Oh no! _" Selphie said, hitting keys to bypass the blue screens, only to find
that they kept returning. When the crashes stopped, her machine needed restarting.
Unfortunately, it wouldn't start again. She spent all night trying to get things fixed then
sighed and went to bed, deciding she'd handle things in the morning. When she couldn't fix
things that morning, she decided she needed to do something to make her happy again.
5
Selphie was in a mostly empty classroom that afternoon using a computer there to
connect to the Garden Network. Chu-Chu and a young female Garden rookie were there, but the
girl was leaving and Selphie wasn't quite on good terms with Chu-Chu. She usually didn't
stay on bad terms with Chu-Chu this long, but if she got really upset with her she knew
exactly what to do. On the message boards rumors had spread of a killer in Balamb.
Posted by Trepie #7:
"i don't think it's a killer. but it is funny that not only yuffie is missing,
but my brother in balamb sez the disciplinary committee is missing. he knew
them kinda well and he'd know if they went somewhere else"
Posted by XX_QuiSTiSRoCKS_XX:
"lolol who cares if yuffie got killed she's a biotch that stole my guardian
force. she can DIE"
Posted by TonberrySummon:
"FoaD, QuiSTiSRoCKS, Selphie posts on this board regularly and she might be
reading this thread. Yuffie was her roommate you know. I hope that if there
is a serial killer in our Garden that you're the next to die. You're probably
failing in all your classes anyways."
"Sefie! I got your adamantine at last!" Irvine said, placing a large chunk of the
material next to Selphie's terminal.
"Oh cool, thanks. ^_^" she replied, standing up to hug Irvine.
"I have to go now, but I'll see you this evening. Later!"
"Bye Irvy-poo. ^^" Selphie waved, hiding one of Irvine's guns behind her back.
Stabbing gave her the most satisfaction of all her murders, but the gun would prove handy in
case she found herself in danger like she had back on the Balamb pier. She plopped back down
and read the last message on the thread:
Posted by SeeDNida:
"Both you stop it right now. This morning Xu's body was found in the
makeout area of the training center. At this point we believe she died of a
punctured trachea, amongst several other stab wounds. Any more jokes about
the killings going on and I will BAN you people."
Selphie looked over Nida's post carefully, feeling somewhat nervous that Xu's body
had been found already, yet also feeling fuzzy inside reminiscing over Xu's struggle with
her and the way she gurgled when her throat had been gouged. With a wide grin on her face,
Selphie posted a reply:
"LOL@PUCTNUREDTRACHEA!!!!111"
With that she signed off, shut down her terminal and stood up. Mysteriously the
screen lit up again as she was leaving, brightly shining a message in bold capital letters.
"FEED ME A PINK RAT" the terminal demanded.
"Am I going crazy? O_o;;;" Selphie thought to herself. The computer was already off,
but the message still shone on the screen. Selphie decided to obey the strange computer, and
grabbed Chu-Chu away from her terminal.
"Hey! What are chu doing!?" she squeaked. Selphie ignored her and placed her up to
the computer's diskette entry, smiling the whole time. She then drew Irvine's gun and
pointed it to the disk drive's slot as if to blast Chu-Chu into it.
"I'm sorry about your page! Please! I didn't mean chu! I won't chu it again!!"
Chu-Chu struggled. Then the first bullet gave Selphie's terminal a sample of it's desired
meal.
"Chu... killed Chuffie... she isn't missing, chu killed her..." she squeaked, gasping
for air. Selphie decided to hasten the computer's meal, serving more nuggets of pink rat on
hot lead platters. When the gun ran out of bullets, Selphie decided to assume the terminal
was full.
"Was it good? ^___^" Selphie asked the computer.
"SING ME A LULLABY" the screen now read.
"Aye yai yai I'm your little butterfly, green black and blue make the colors in the
sky!" she began to sing as headed for the exit. Someone was just entering the room.
"What the hell was all that noise earli--urrk!" an old Garden instructor exclaimed
before being dragged into the classroom and pistol whipped unconscious by Selphie, still
singing. When the coast was clear outside a clatter of glass shattering was heard as the
Garden instructor tumbled along the side of the Garden before falling to his death in the
forest. Chu-Chu's remains followed.
"Booyaka!" Selphie exclaimed, toasting her third execution that day with another
snack pie. She made one last check to confirm that her computer was now satisfied (a blank
screen sufficed) and closed up the classroom herself.
6
That evening she had Zell over in her dorm.
"Awww hells yeah! This time I'll take your Jumbo Cactuar!" Zell exclaimed
victoriously.
"That's enough for now. -_-;" Selphie said, handing the card over and standing up.
"Dude, everyone's scared because of that alleged killer in our Garden. One of the
classrooms was closed off today because they found blood and bullet holes all over one of the
computers!" Zell explained, oblivious to Selphie digging through her junk. "Are you scared
too?"
"No way, my Irvy-poo will protect me! ^__^" Selphie exclaimed, slowly pulling a
powerdrill from under her bed. She held it behind Zell's head quietly and carefully,
meticulously trying to assess the perfect spot to make her puncture.
"He will? He's not around you all the time. How do you fi--"
"Heehee, you know... Kefka once said, 'There's nothing more pleasant than the sound
of hundreds of voices screaming in unison!' Isn't that something? o.o" she interrupted,
finding just the right spot to enter Zell's skull.
"Huh? Who's Kefka?" Zell asked. For some reason Zell's inquiry destroyed Selphie's
passion for the kill. Selphie lowered her powerdrill, concealed it behind her wastebasket
and pouted, looking very unhappy. Fortunately for her, Zell's concentration was directed
towards picking at scabs left by an angry cat a couple of days ago.
"Nevermind... -_-;" she said somewhat exhaustedly. "You were saying?"
"Yeah, I was sayin' that your roommate's gone, Xu was found dead, and someone else
had to have died if there was gore in that classroom. Aren't you afraid? I'm a little
scared, but when I find out who this guy is, I'm gonna do the Booya to him!" Zell confidently
said, standing up to shadowbox.
"See? Why should I be afraid? I've got strong friends like you ready to kick that
killer's butt! ^_^" Selphie said enthusiastically, gripping a screwdriver in her hand. She
edged up to Zell, ready to add the screwdriver to his spinal cord when he suddenly turned
around.
"Oh, what's that?" he asked.
"It's a screwdriver. I use it to open things. ^^;" Selphie said, showing it to him.
"Really? What are you gonna open with it?" Zell asked, unaware the danger
concentrated into the girl standing in front of him. Selphie hesitated, unable to harm Zell.
It wasn't that she was intimidated by him, but that she couldn't bring herself to harm him.
He was just too innocent, too vacant, too...stupid. The mood had already been killed
anyway. She figured that she could get back into the feel for it after the initial stabbing
but Zell's execution could come later.
"My computer." she finally said. "It's not working anymore. ;_;"
"Oh... did you try hitting it?"
"I don't think that would work..."
"Are you sure? Whenever something of mine is busted I hit it!"
"No Zell, that won't work. ^^"
"If you say so... I'm going to the Training Center to practice what I'm going to do
that killer now!" Zell said, scooping up his Triple Triad cards and hastily heading out the
door.
"Byee ^^" Selphie waved. Now she was bored. No computer. No roommate. No band
members. Irvy-poo! Selphie decided to head to his room.
Out in the hallway, five of the male Trepe groupies stood guard outside Quistis's
room. These guys never made it to being official SeeDs due to the amount of time spent
daydreaming about Quistis. These were her self-proclaimed stormtroopers.
"In rain or shine we will protect Quistis from any danger!" a Trepie exclaimed.
"The killer will get to her over our dead bodies!" another Trepie declared.
"Shut up, you're making me nervous!" said the first Trepie.
"Hey, I'm willing to give my life for our goddess!" the third said.
"That doesn't mean we have to!!" flailed the first.
"D'ya think she's still okay? I think we should knock on her door again." yet another
Trepie suggested.
"No, we're not disturbing her again!"
"Are you sure? The killer could be in there right--"
"I said NO!! Don't even think such a thing could happen!"
"Hey guys, I was just saying that I love Quistis so much that I'd be happy to give my
life for her!" said the third again.
"There are five of us and one killer! Nobody's going to die!"
"Maybe there's more than one killer?"
"Don't be dumb, serial killers never work in groups."
"They don't have to be working together! They can both independently ki--"
"Shut up shut up shut UP!!" the first one demanded.
"Keep it down out there!" Quistis said, now holding the door open.
"Yeeees Ms. Trepe!" the stormtroopers said in unison, in a tone not much different
from first graders addressing their teacher. Quistis stepped outside only to be blocked by
her groupies.
"Ms. Trepe, where are you going? It's too dangerous out here!"
"I have to go to Irvine's room real quick." she replied.
"We will come with you!"
"No! Can't I have my privacy?" she asked. The stormtroopers pondered this
momentarily. Quistis wanted to go to a man's room, and she demanded privacy. The equation
came rather quickly, and they all began to whine and bicker.
"Oh no that gun toting hick has stolen our goddess Trepe from us!" "Waaaah, Ms. Trepe
has been wooed!" "No how can this be-- I was going to marry her!" "How did this happen!?" "I
thought Squall was the only one who could do this!!" they all began to blubber in unison.
"Get out of the way!" Quistis demanded. "I just want to talk to him! I always talk
with my old comrades." The stormtroopers immediately regained themselves, grinning widely.
"Okay Miss Trepe! We will secure the entrance to your room while you're away!" one of
the Trepies called after her. Once Quistis was mostly out of earshot, they quietly argued
with each other again.
Inside Irvine's dorm, Garden's #1 sharpshooter was composing sappy poetry to woo
Selphie with when Quistis knocked.
"It's open." he said. Quistis stepped and stood over him to look at some of his work.
She pursed her lips, not quite approving of his work.
"Hey Quisty, this poetry stuff is hard! Do you know what rhymes 'nice hooters'?"
Irvine asked without looking away from his paper.
"How about 'Roto Rooter'?" she asked.
"Thanks! You're pretty good at this!"
"Umm...thanks. I'm not so sure you should use this poem just yet...why don't we
compose some more from scratch?"
"Sure. Alright, let's see... 'Selphie, you have--' Aww nuts!" he exclaimed, now in
the dark. "Darnit! The light bulb went out! Hold on, there might be some light bulbs in
one of my drawers." Irvine began to grope through some dirty magazines and fortunately came
upon one.
"Hang on, I'll have this fixed up in a jiffy." he said, climbing onto his bed and
getting on his tiptoes. Irvine was barely able to get to the broken bulb, to unscrew it he
would have to reach slightly. He unscrewed a little in one reach, a little more in another,
and when he got the bulb unscrewed, he lost his balance and fell onto Quistis. The bulb fell
from his hand and shattered.
"Ohhh Irvine!" Quistis gasped, getting the wind knocked out of her.
"Yeah... yes... I'm okay." she said, regaining her breath.
Selphie was on her way to Irvy-poo's room at the time, and just outside his door she
managed to hear Quistis exclaim, "Ohhh Irvine!" followed by a large thump.
"What is going on in there!? O_O;;;" she thought to herself. She knew Irvine to be
a womanizer, but with Quistis? No way! Quistis was untouchable! She had a cult following
amongst students under her as shown by the five babbling goons patrolling the door to her
room, and none of the Trepies were able to get so much as a date from Instructor Trepe.
Selphie decided to get her mind out of the gutter.
"Whew...sorry about that. Gimme a moment and I'll try again." she heard Irvine puff.
That was it. She opened the door, and saw Irvy-poo on top of Quistis, lying there in the
dark. Irvine quickly scrambled to his feet.
"Oh, hi Sefie..." Irvine said nervously.
"Hi Quistis." she said, ignoring Irvine.
"Umm... I'll be back with the new light bulb." Quistis said, scrambling to her feet
and taking off.
"Sefie, it's not what it looked like! I was writing you poetry! And, and and-- the
light burned out!" As Irvine continued to explain himself, Selphie felt control slipping
away from her. She felt hurt that her Irvy-poo was doing who knows what with the blonde,
long legged, Instructor Trepe but that was something she'd probably forgive. She knew
Irvine was the womanizing type since they met in Galbadia. However, his timid, frightened
behavior made her remember the fear she struck in past victims. Fujin clasping her hand to
her chest when she first unsheathed her nunchakus' blades. The wide-eyed look of terror in
Xu. Chu-Chu's racing pulse. Even if it was her Irvy-poo, his nervous stammering was
beginning to remind her of them.
"Sefie, I'm telling the truth..." Irvine said, trying to slide his arms around her
waist.
"Sure, it's okay. ^____^" Selphie said, unable to stifle her grin any longer. Irvine
felt slight unease at how wide Selphie's eyes were and released her, backing away.
Then he was dead, given less than three seconds to understand why.
Selphie had executed Irvine with the grace of a gymnast. Literally. When Irvine was
distanced just the right amount of space from her she leapt up onto him, balancing her knees
on his shoulders. She came very close to bumping her head on the ceiling. With a sharp twist
of her waist, Irvine's neck made several overlapping snaps. Selphie found it strange he died
with a smile on his face.
"I learned that playing Soul Edge! Booyaka! ^_^"
Out in the hallway, Quistis made the foolish mistake of getting rid of the Trepie
stormtroopers.
"Welcome back Miss Trepe! The coast is clear!" a Trepie grinned.
"Hey, if you guys want to be helpful, how about bringing me a light bulb?" she
replied, deciding to make use of her fandom.
"Light bulb? Yes, of course!"
"Anything for Miss Trepe!"
"Out of the way, *I* will get it!!"
"Don't be greedy, she asked us ALL to get it!"
"Someone needs to watch over her dorm!"
"So why don't you do it!?"
"Why don't YOU?"
Quistis sighed and went into her room to look for one she might have. The
stormtroopers scurried away taking their own separate paths to earn her favor. Selphie
peeked outside Irvine's room and saw the coast was clear, so she dragged the corpse to her
place.
"Hmm... Phoenix Down." she said, producing some from a drawer and using it on Irvine.
There was no effect.
"Bad Phoenix Down?" Selphie said, getting some from her supply. "I think these were
Yuffie's." The next applications did nothing either.
"Irvy-poo why... ;____;" she whined. Irvy-poo's murder was very gratifying, but it
was her Irvy-poo! Why did he have to be so...killable? "Well... at least he has a smile on
his face," she said, standing up and picking up his hat. "Goodbye, Irvy-poo... :("
Before she got too out of control, she decided that maybe she could give herself in
and take responsibility for her addiction.
"Squall! Squall!!" she said, pounding on the door at the end of the hallway.
"It's open." he said very faintly from inside. Selphie stepped inside and saw him
sitting on his bed reading a magazine.
"Squall, you gotta help me. I'm the killer!" she said, getting no response.
"Squall? Me. Selphie! Killer!" she said, nudging him slightly.
"...uh huh." he said vacantly, still reading.
"Squall, listen to me!! -_-; First I stabbed Yuffie and then I killed the
disciplinary committee and then I stabbed Xu and then and the computer told me to feed it
Chu-Chu and then I had to kill the teacher 'cuz he saw me and, and, and then Irvy-poo!"
"Whatever, that's not funny."
"I'm telling the truth, what am I gonna do!? _" she said, nudging him some more.
"Headmaster Cid's gonna bite me!"
Squall grunted the general noise of "I don't know" without taking his eyes off the
magazine. Selphie had bothered him with too much childish rubbish in the past.
"Squall... I'm gonna talk to Rinoa now," she said, giving up. "I might kill her too!
O_o"
"Tell her I said it was nice knowing her."
Selphie sighed and started her trip to the Guest rooms of the Garden. But as luck
would have it, she met Rinoa at the opposite end of the hall.
"Rinoa, come with me into my--" she immediately remembered the corpse. "into Irvine's
room real quick. We gotta talk! :("
Inside Irvine's dark room, she confessed to Rinoa.
"Selphie? Why!? How could you do that to your friends?" she began to complain. "You
can't just do that to people who care about you!"
"I don't know, why can't I stop killing... _" she nervously whined.
"We'll have to tell Headmaster Cid about this."
"NO!! X_x I'll be kicked out of SeeD and put in jail!"
"Selphie, if you really care about your friends you'll do this. You have to take
responsibility for your actions! Now come with me to tell Cid!"
Selphie gazed at Rinoa carefully...
"Heeelp!!" Rinoa screamed, running down the hallway as fast as she could, stopping to
pound on the doors of other dorms as she sped by. Following right behind her Selphie was
summoning the Doom Train Guardian Force, giggling eerily. SeeDs opened their doors and
watched in horror as Selphie chased her to the end of the hall. She pounded on Squall's door
blinking back tears, praying he would open up and save her. Then the spectral train
appeared, speeding down its invisible track, splattering Rinoa against Squall's door while it
passed through effortlessly. Squall opened up his door, got some blood on him, then shrugged
and went back inside.
"Selphie??" Rinoa asked, waking Selphie from here daydream. Selphie thought about
her daydream carefully...then decided that since she would be in trouble anyway, she'd risk
it. She cast a Silence spell on Rinoa.
Rinoa gasped, realizing she was next. She shoved Selphie out of the way and bolted
from the exit.
Rinoa ran down the hallway as fast as she could, stopping to pound on the doors of
other dorms as she sped by. Following right behind her Selphie was summoning a Guardian
Force... by luck, it wasn't Doomtrain. She had caught the attention of Gilgamesh.
"Tee hee! Hold still ^-^" Selphie giggled, not even breaking a sweat.
Rinoa reached the end of the hallway and pounded on Squall's door. Gilgamesh
appeared and reached for the Excalipoor.
"No, no!! Not that one! x_x" Selphie quietly said, shaking her hands. Gilgamesh drew
his hand away and reached for the Masamune.
"Yeah, that one. ^__^" Selphie nodded, grinning ear to ear. The guardian force drew
the sword and slashed at Rinoa three times. Rinoa stared up at Gilgamesh and quivered,
before scattering all over the floor in a bloody mess.
"It's open," Squall said.
"Thanks Gilgamesh! You da man! ^_^"
Gilgamesh gave Selphie a thumbs up and a wink before disappearing through the floor.
Still high off the fresh kill, Selphie turned around and looked at the doors warily. Little
did she know, Rinoa pounded on all the wrong doors to get attention. The first door Rinoa
pounded on belonged to Selphie. The next to Xu. Rinoa hit Zell's door, but he was in the
Training Center. The last door was Squall's. Selphie looked at the mess in front of that
last door and shrugged, deciding that would be a special surprise for Squall.
"Oh, and Squall said it was nice knowing you. ^^;;" Selphie smiled, bouncing back
to her room. Moments after she stepped inside her room, she heard Squall screaming about
something.
Squall held up a detached arm and narrowed his eyes.
"Selphie?" Squall said, shakily knocking on Selphie's door. He tested the door to
see if it was open and stepped inside. "Selphie, Rinoa was--" was all he could say before
fixating on Irvine's smiling corpse on the floor. Selphie was sitting at her broken
computer, using it as if it were on.
"Selphie!! You ARE the killer!" he said, drawing his gunblade. Selphie ignored him,
tapping away at her keyboard.
"Dammit Selphie, why!?" Squall shouted, knocking over some of her stuff. Selphie
still typed away. "Answer me!!" Squall sighed and approached Selphie.
"Selphie... what do you think Cid is going to do when he finds out about this?" Squall
said, sheathing his gunblade. "What could we have done do dese--aah!!"
Squall saw various shades of red and black flash before his eyes before he wound up
on the floor, grasping his bloodied ear. Selphie tossed her battered keyboard aside and
pulled out Squall's gunblade, driving it through his chest. Squall looked down at his torso
and gasped for air.
Squall's last thoughts were, "Is this the end..? No way, the last time I had an injury
like this, I woke up in prison and I was just......"
Outside, two Trepies arrived with light bulbs.
"Miss Trepe!"
"Miss Trepe! We have the-- YAAAAAAAAH!!" the other Trepie screeched quite femininely
before running away in horror.
"What's his pro... p-prob... YAAAAAAAAH!!" said the first, following suit after
seeing the pile of Rinoa gore. Quistis stepped outside her room.
"Well I don't have a bulb, so it's-- Ohhhh my gaaawd..." Quistis said, covering her
mouth and rushing to the other end of the hallway.
"Who could've done this..." she whispered, squatting over Rinoa.
"Jumprope jumprope, will I miss? Jumprope jumprope, just watch this! ^_^" Selphie
exclaimed, skipping out of her room holding a length of Squall's small intestine. As she
hopped over the length of gut it flung blood on the walls.
"EEK! Quistis!! X_x" Selphie said, realizing she'd been caught. Without the element
of surprise on her side, she was at a disadvantage. Quistis stood up and wielded her whip.
When Quistis approached her she dropped Squall's entrails and bolted into her room...cornering
herself. Quistis chased her in, staying very defensive.
Inside the room Selphie was wielding a pair of ordinary nunchakus, keeping her guard
up. On her face was a cheerful smile. It took Quistis time to notice that since the sight
of Squall and Irvine on the floor was a bit upsetting.
"All of these murders... you killed all those people!" Quistis exclaimed.
"Uhh... what's it to you? XP" Selphie razzed.
"You killed Rinoa..."
"Nooooo, not me! Gilgamesh did it. ^_^"
"You killed Xu..."
"Nope, not really! I hurt her, and we simply didn't get her to the hospital in
time. ^^;"
"You even killed Irvine!"
"But look at the way he's smiling! ^_^;"
"And you killed Squall... was I going to be next?"
"How can you ask something like that..? -_-;" Selphie said, trying to be subtle about
sliding her foot under the keyboard on the floor. Just as soon as Quistis opened her mouth
to speak...
"Selphie..."
Selphie immediately kicked the keyboard up at Quistis, who managed to deflect it with
her forearm. Selphie rushed in as well as she could with two bodies lying on the floor and
tried to attack, but Quistis's experience plus Irvine's lumpy body caused the attack to fail.
Quistis lashed her whip at Selphie, wrapping it around the nunchakus and yanking Selphie
towards her. Selphie yanked the nunchakus back, causing Quistis to stumble forward. Selphie
elbowed Quistis, but with her short arms it was rather desperate and ineffective. Quistis
kicked Selphie in the midsection to shove her away, but because Selphie still refused to let
go of the nunchakus, she fell onto Selphie.
"That hurt! X_x Meanie!" Selphie struggled, rolling Quistis off her and getting to
her feet. Now neither had their weapons. Quistis reached for the whip, only to have Selphie
step on her hand. Quistis hooked her free hand around the back of Selphie's leg and pulled,
rescuing her other hand and knocking Selphie onto her butt. The two SeeDs began parrying with
each other. Quistis came out on top when a backhand connected with Selphie's cheek.
"Ow, not my face! _" Selphie whimpered. This was the wrong kind of adrenaline she
was feeling. Where was the terror? She got up and started reaching for random items to toss
at Quistis. The only two objects that posed any real threat were her sticks of death, which
weren't bound by their chain. Unfortunately they happened to be sheathed. Quistis sprung to
her feet and lunged at her, ready to subdue Selphie. Her hair was beginning to unravel from
it's bun.
Quistis grabbed Selphie's wrists and tried to twist an arm around behind her back.
Because she wasn't much stronger than the killer, they struggled. Selphie grabbed her by the
wrists to put them on even grounds. Quistis shoved her against the wall in an attempt to stun
her. Selphie whirled Quistis around hitting her against the wall...except that's where a
window was. A small crack was made. Selphie reached one of her hands up, still restrained
by her current victim, and pushed her head against the window, stunning her. When Quistis's
grip loosened Selphie grabbed her head with both hands and drove it through the window with a
loud clatter. There was still some glass to be broken, so she bashed Quistis's head into the
last of it. A bright cheery smile crossed Selphie's face as she lowered Quistis's head out
the window and began to grind it side to side, slashing her neck against the broken edges of
the glass. Quistis coughed and sputtered before going limp, and blood oozed out the window.
"Whew..! X_x" Selphie sighed, wiping sweat from her forehead. She slid off her feet
into a seated position. She was very drained and breathing heavily, but she felt really
good. She went from killing four people in one day to almost twice that many, and the day
was not even done. It was quite a rush. She felt the slight bruise on her cheek and decided
that there was no way she was going to worm her way out of this. All three bodies were now
in her room, and that bruise was a sign of struggle. So she decided that she would just bask
in the afterglow of homicide.
"WOO-OW-WAAA!!" Zell shouted outside. It was time to end his life too.
Zell rushed in babbling, dressed in his Garden uniform now.
"Hey Selphie! I had to take a shower and change clothing 'cause a T-Rexaur threw up
on me, and then I saw Rinoa's body in the haa...ha..." he began to stammer, looking at the
bodies. Selphie looked up at him and pouted.
"Selphie! Are you hurt!?" he asked.
"My cheek hurts. And my butt hurts. And my Irvy-poo is dead. :("
"How did you survive?"
Selphie sighed. This one she couldn't explain.
"Umm... I may have had something to do with our friends dying. ^^;;;" she blushed.
"Oh--OH DANG!! You're crazy!" Zell exclaimed.
"Zell, you're going to turn me in, aren't you? :("
"Are you going to kill me if I do?" Zell asked, examining the dead Squall. Selphie
was reminded once again, she just couldn't kill someone like Zell.
"Maybe. :)" she said.
"I ain't goin' down without a fight!" Zell snapped, starting to shadowbox.
"Zell, calm down. ^^ Think of it this way-- I could've killed you when you were here
earlier, but I didn't. I wasn't going to kill you. ^_^"
"Aww Selphie you really are my friend!" Zell said, stepping over Irvine and helping
Selphie to her feet. Selphie's hands were stained a dark shade of maroon. "AAAAH! That's
Quistis!" Zell squeaked. The killer walked over to her door and closed it.
"So uhh... we're still friends then? ^^;;"
"I dunno, you killed all our old buddies!"
"Then I'll have to do something *really* special to make it up, huh? ^^;" Selphie
said.
"I don't think so... Well, now that you mention it," Zell started. "There's been
something I've been wanting for a really long time..."
"Oh... I think I know what you mean. ^^;" Selphie grinned. "In that case, tomorrow
morning before everyone wakes up I want you to meet me at..." she began to whisper.
7
"OH HELLS YE-EEAH!!" Zell said ecstatically from inside the cafeteria's kitchen.
Selphie pursed her lips, "Mmmm... ^^;;"
"Selphie, this is the best. Your secret is safe with me." Zell beamed, smearing some
mustard. He took a ravenous bite of his hot dog, barely having room to chew.
"I liked pie. :)))) Now I like chili too. :)))"
"I can't believe this tastes so good." Zell said, spraying food lightly.
"Actually I have to thank you too Zell. I would have never thought of making these
hot dogs. ^_^" Selphie smiled, squeezing ketchup onto hers.
"I'm guh-uh mith Phquall." Zell said with his mouth full once again. "But he ith
ffo yummy!"
"And I'm gonna miss my Irvy-poo. ;_;" Selphie said sadly. "Hey, we should get out
of here, the kitchen staff will be coming soon. ^^;"
"I bet they'll be freaked to see this sudden surplus of hot dogs and chili." Zell
commented, carrying two hot dogs in each hand.
"I won't be there to see it, I'm gonna hide out in Timber. :(" Selphie pouted as they
locked up and headed down the concentric path to the elevator. "I won't get to see all the
Trepies freaking out about Quistis being missing either."
A couple of Garden students and a SeeD were already up and about.
"Thanks again Selph. I'll be waiting for ya." Zell winked.
"Bye! I'll send a--"
"Hold it right there, Tilmitt." a familiar voice said coldly. Selphie's heart
skipped a beat.
"Seifer!? O_o"
Seifer walked slowly towards the two, bobbing a cheap gunblade on his shoulder. His
coat was soiled from being dragged across rough terrain by Selphie. Other than that, he was
in perfect shape.
"How did you..." she trailed off.
"Sleep spells are warded off sometimes you know. You probably couldn't tell because
I was already asleep. Whatever happened, I woke up with just enough time to roll out of the
train's path. It's a shame you didn't have rope, huh?"
"This isn't fair, I haven't had time to repair my sticks of death but you got a new
gunblade. -_-;" Selphie quietly said, backing away.
"I don't care about fairness anymore." Seifer irritably said, swinging his gunblade.
"After what happened in Balamb, I'll make sure your death is slow and painful. Then I'll
cremate you myself!!"
"Seifer's the killer!" a female Garden student shouted.
"What!?"
"Seifer's the killer! He said he's going to kill Selphie now!"
"Yeah, it's makes sense!" exclaimed a SeeD running to the scene. "He's disgruntled
with Squall and the rest so he came to kill all the SeeDs!"
"Get him!!" another student shouted.
Seifer did the best he could against the slowly multiplying waves of Garden students
and SeeDs swarming at him. He waved his gunblade around defensively and tried to make it out
of the Garden. But within minutes he was pinned to the floor and disarmed.
"Hey! Stop! Stupid, Selphie's the real killer!" Seifer struggled.
"Selphie the real killer?" a SeeD asked, turning to look at Selphie.
"Cremate? O.o;; How will he cremate us when he doesn't have any cream?" Selphie
asked. Zell pondered it, then shrugged.
"Shyeah, Selphie's the killer and I'm Instructor Trepe!" the SeeD scoffed. "You
could've done better than that, Seifer."
"Aww, c'mon, no!! She was in Balamb strangling Raijin! C'mon! You know what's up
Chicken Wuss, help me here! Chicken Wuss!!" Seifer shouted as he was dragged away, kicking
his legs violently.
"Going somewhere, Selphie?" Zell grinned, arcing his neck to bite a hot dog without
dropping the others.
"No, nowhere at all. ^_^" Selphie cheerfully said. "Oh, but I gotta clean my
room... after CLASS. -_-;"
With Seifer in the Garden's custody, investigations of the murders were called off,
clearing Selphie's name. But what will Selphie do the next time she feels unhappy?
(cue camera zooming away from Garden, Institutionalized kicks in)
THE END?
by Flagg (flagg@antisocial.com)
Warning: Selphie talks in emotes. May contain slight traces of crossover. Plot contrivances
WILL be abused. Fic gets extremely dark at times. May imitate Fritz Fraundorf's writing
style in places. ALL THIS CHARACTER ARE BELONG TO SQUARESOFT. If you are reading this, you
are most likely on the Sattelite of Love.
Inspired by Ranma 1/2 Kasumi Axe Murderess fics and the song "Institutionalized" by Suicidal
Tendencies. Enjoy!
1
After band members Yuffie and Chu-Chu assisted Selphie in spray painting their band's
name all over the city and evading the police, Selphie arrived by herself at in a small room
where someone was changing behind some folding dressing panels. From behind them a long
haired man jumped out and posed, donning women's clothing.
"Oh Sir Laguna! You look so cool in this lacy beige dress! ^___^" Selphie exclaimed as
Laguna examined himself in the mirror.
"You really think so? I was worried the tiara would clash." he said, twisting to see
more angles of his physique.
"Yes, absolutely! Now we'll paint your nails white."
"White? Aww, can't we paint them red?"
"White will look better. ^_^" she insisted, getting to work on Laguna's nails. After
doing one of his hands, she fanned at his nails.
"So what do you think? ^^;"
Laguna examined his nails carefully, tilting his hand side to side. Then he gave his
answer by opening his mouth and emitting a deafening buzzing noise.
Selphie was now awake, mashing on her alarm clock's snooze button.
Another morning in Balamb Garden's dorms. Selphie hadn't gotten much sleep the night
before, having spent most of it posting on the Garden Network. She was normally a morning
person but this morning she felt rather stiff, and could easily have done without getting up
from the languid position she'd been in for the last five hours. Looking around her room
something didn't seem quite right, but she couldn't put her finger on it.
"Nn... oh no, my Garden uniform! O_O" she exclaimed, scrambling off of her bed.
Underneath was her uniform, which she had pressed numerous wrinkles into. With a shrug she
decided she'd just have to iron it later; today was not a day she had classes. She had set
her alarm simply to keep in the habit of waking up early, as posting on the Garden Network's
boards got too addictive for her. Selphie looked around her room again wondering what was off
this morning, but once again she couldn't figure it out. The next thought to cross Selphie's
mind-- check her mail. Being a member of SeeD had it's perks, Selphie's favorite being the
computer in her dorm. Selphie slid her feet into her fuzzy slippers and planted herself at
her terminal as she opened a Hostess snack pie. New mail today! Receiving new and exciting
messages were always welcome.
"ARE YOU IN DEBT? NO PROBLEM!!! WE WILL APPR--" Selphie immediately deleted the
message.
"UR PAGE SUX HOW COULD U POST YAOI DWARWRINGS OF LAUGNA ON TEH FRONT PAGE! U R JUST
SOME PERV WHO CANT GET A MAN AND DONT TRULY APPECATE LAGUNAS TIMBAR MANIAC JOURNELS!"
"Chu-Chu updated my page again... -_-;;;" Selphie thought to herself, taking a hungry
bite of her snack pie.
"hahaha laguna is lame you shouldn't make a whole website about him he's old by now
and doesn't look like he did when he was young so you should make a website about my friend
wimbly donner bcuz he left the garden and he's real dumb. make a page about wimbly so we can
laugh at how stupid he is!!!!"
"aelphie, yjod od zell. ate uou getttinf tjis message? i'n typibg witg ,y eyes
clpsed@@"
The following messages were more advertisements for bootleg Triple Triad cards, more
flames regarding Chu-Chu's yaoi on her fanpage, and...more flames regarding her page. She
decided to bug Chu-Chu about it right away, but not before taking another confused look around
her room.
"Chu-Chu!!" she exclaimed, pounding on the door to Chu-Chu's room. "Open up!!"
Selphie noticed two male Garden members staring at her. Her first thought was that
she hadn't done her hair up all pointy and mushroom-like yet. Then she realized she was out
in the hallway in nothing more than her panties, slippers, and a tight-fitting T-shirt.
"Please let me in right now! ^^;;;" she nervously said, trying to open the door, which
was unlocked anyway. Inside Chu-Chu was blasting music she was apparently dancing to.
"Chu-Chu! You put yaoi on my page again! @_@" she exclaimed. Chu-Chu didn't seem to
notice.
"That's it, you can't work on my page anymore! You put those pictures up and I'm the
one who gets flamed -_-;" she concluded. This caught Chu-Chu's attention.
"Chu can't just ditch me like that! I've done so many updates for chu while chu're
out with Irvine!" she said.
"Yes but..."
"Nono! Fine! I won't work on your page anymore!" she said, turning away.
"Well you can if you just--"
"Na uh! Talk chu the hand!" she interrupted, holding out one of her furry hands.
Seeing how uncooperative she was, Selphie decided to bolt back to her room before anyone saw
her indecent again, realizing how brain dead she was acting that morning.
Back in her room she changed into her yellow dress and fixed up her hair as best she
could--it was another bad hair day. The ends of her hair somewhere in the back just wouldn't
stay up, no matter how much hair spray she used! Frustrated by the way things were turning
out, she decided to pick up her nunchakus and head to the Training Center. As she was going
to leave, she realized what was wrong with her room.
"Where are my Beanie Babies!? @___@" she exclaimed examining her shelf. They had been
rearranged to hide the fact that a few of them were missing, and some had been replaced by
cheap plush toys.
"I think I know who did this... -_-" she sighed, and as if on cue her roommate walked
in.
"Gawd, they're out of raisin bread already..." Yuffie muttered, sipping some orange
juice.
"YUFFIE! You stole from me!! @_@" Selphie shouted, grabbing Yuffie by her bony
shoulders.
"He~eey! I always borrow from you-- I mean, what are you so mad about now?"
"What are these things!? :|" Selphie demanded, holding a cheap stuffed moogle in
front of Yuffie's face.
"Oh.... your Beanies?"
"THESE ARE NOT MY BEANIES!! _" Selphie said, tossing the stuffy onto her bed.
Selphie felt somewhat awkward shouting at Yuffie, realizing it wasn't normally her nature to
get this angry. But there was no way she was reasonably coping with this inconsiderate
behavior.
"Gawd alright, I stole a few of your Beanies! I like, had to, I was going to be in
trouble if I didn't pay off my lawsuit and I couldn't scrape together the money! They
wouldn't leave me alone about some kid who ate a toy he got from YuffieCave or something, I
dunno! You don't want your best friend to go to jail, right?"
"How many did you steal...?" Selphie asked, exasperated.
"I just sold five of them, plus that Brownie twin one you said was so expensive."
"That one was limited edition. ." she whined, sitting down on her bed.
"Gawd, you don't have to get all upset with me! It's not like they did anything
except collect dust on your shelves! Here, you can do whatever you want with something of
mine!" Yuffie said, placing her giant shuriken into Selphie's lap.
"What am I supposed to do with this? -_-;;" Selphie said, taking the shuriken in her
hand.
"Whatever you did with those Beanies, I don't know! Put them up on your shelf? Use
your imagination!" she impatiently replied.
Selphie did not know what to do. This day was starting out miserably, plus she began
to think of previous troubles she had to put up with. She did not want to feel this upset!
There had to be something she could do to get back to her cheerful demeanor. She gripped one
of the giant shuriken's four points in her hand and stood up. A smile crossed her face as she
decided to take Yuffie's advice.
"Y'know, I don't know what's so special about those Beanie Babies anyways, I tried to
replace some of them with other toys and like I said they don't really do anything up
th--aah~!!" Yuffie suddenly felt something wet, sharp, and warm in her back. Then she felt it
in another part of her back, and another, and another, and another. She felt pretty dizzy,
and when the pain got too intense, she passed out.
Selphie continued to stab Yuffie even after she died. It just felt too therapeutic.
She had discovered something new and beautiful this morning. With each puncture she made to
Yuffie's frail body, she felt a little better about everything that went wrong that morning.
After her arm got tired, she stood up and looked down at her friend's corpse.
"She sure had a lot of blood in her! o.o" Selphie whispered to herself, starting a
search for a large tote bag and her extra-special nunchakus...
2
"The fish aren't biting today, ya know?" Raijin said, casting his fishing rod down on
the pier.
"Geez, I'm so bored!" Seifer said, stretching. "Fujin, kick him into the water
again."
Fujin complied, knocking Raijin into the sea with a sharp kick to the back of the leg.
"Ehh... it's starting to lose it's charm. I'm gonna go see if I can win my Odin Card
back from that Card Queen." Seifer said, walking away bobbing his gunblade on his shoulder.
"Gee Fujin, you kicked me pretty hard that time. My leg's really hurtin', ya know?" a
dripping Raijin said, pulling himself back onto the pier. Fujin helped him to his feet, then
stamped on his foot.
"Ow!!" he hopped.
"LEG...BETTER." she said, wiping her hands off on her pants.
"I guess..."
"Heeey! It's the old disciplinary committee! ^____^" Selphie exclaimed, dragging her
tote bag down the pier.
"Oh... Selphie. Gonna make fun of us for being dropouts?" Raijin asked defensively.
"No, I'm just dropping this stuff in the water. ^^" she replied, straining to drag her
tote bag. Those rocks she stuffed in it for extra weight added a bit *too* much weight.
"Oh, well lemme help ya." Raijin said taking the tote bag from her. "Geez, it weighs
a ton, ya know? What's inside?"
"Yeah, I'm sorta burying treasure. ^^;;;"
"WHY? RICH?"
"Yeah, if you're loaded you outta share with us. We're almost outta money, ya know?"
"Nono, it isn't money, and I just thought it would be fun! ^_^"
"You're weird, ya know?"
"Why does everyone say that about me? -_-;;;" Selphie asked insecurely.
"Maybe 'cause you are." Raijin said, sliding the bag off the pier and down to the
bottom of the ocean. Then he noticed faint traces of blood on his hands that had wiped off
from the straps. "Hey, that was a pretty dirty bag...and your nails look blood stained, ya
know!?" Raijin observed. "What'd you do, kill someone?" he mused jokingly.
"Eeek, I've been found out! ^^;;;" Selphie thought to herself, unscrewing the ends of
her nunchakus. She brought these with her for just such an emergency.
"What's with those nunchakus? You're unscrewing them?"
"These aren't my nunchakus," Selphie said pulling off the ends to reveal menacing
steel blades. "They're my sticks of death! ^___^"
"INSANE!" Fujin shouted, leaping back and drawing her large shuriken.
"I'm not crazy you're the one who's crazy!!" Selphie shouted, whirling her bladed
nunchakus around. Raijin backed away but not quickly enough, as his left eye was nicked.
Selphie made a quick dash for Fujin. Fujin tossed her throwing star at Selphie, but the lack
of practice at the Garden kicked in and her move was very predictable. Selphie deflected the
star back at Fujin with her sticks of death and bolted in while she was stunned, plunging one
of her blades into Fujin's chest.
"P-PAINFUL..." she gasped before Selphie lifted her blade through Fujin's torso,
splitting her sternum and knocking her into the water. Before Selphie could revel in her
victim's death however, she had to deal with Raijin who was already recovering from his eye
injury. As soon as he lifted his hand from his eye, Selphie wrapped her nunchakus around his
neck from behind and began to strangle him. Out of shock rather than a lack of experience,
Raijin chose to desperately pull at the chain cutting off his air supply over attacking
Selphie to break free. The result was unconsciousness, then death.
"Well I lost my Ifrit card too, but on the way back I--WHAT THE HELL!?" Seifer spat,
trying to comprehend what he was seeing. "R-Raijin!?"
"Don't feel bad! ^____^ I'm sure he didn't feel a thing. :))))" Selphie said,
dropping Raijin's corpse.
"Those were my best friends! You're crazy!!" Seifer said, engaging a battle stance.
"Why does everyone keep saying that?? -_-;" Selphie said, backing away.
Seifer beared down on Selphie, casting a dark shadow over her.
"Umm... can we talk about this? ^^;" Selphie asked, wielding her sticks of death
defensively. Immediately Seifer took a wild swing Selphie just barely avoided.
"Pleeeaaase?? ^^;;;"
Seifer took another heavy swing, this time splitting her nunchakus at the chain. She
was now nearing the edge of the pier.
"Ohmigod, how could you!? _" Selphie exclaimed. "Do you know how hard it was to get
these made?? Not only did I have to pay 20000 gil for some magazine, the blacksmith wanted me
to pick up two Tonberry knives, eight screws, two Anaconda skins, two lumps of Adamantoise
dung, a--"
"Shut up! You're going to wind up like my posse has now..."
Selphie nearly lost her balance as the heel of her foot went past the edge of the
pier. Then she had an idea.
"Hey... what kind of spells do you have?" Selphie asked, placing her fingers to her
forehead to draw. "Oh cool, Sleep-- that's just what we need! ^_^" she exclaimed, casting one
of Seifer's own spells at him.
"Hey, no!! Ugh..." Seifer sighed as he struggled to stay awake. His gunblade slid out
of his hand as he dropped to his knees.
Selphie slid his gunblade into the sea and proceeded to draw the rest of Seifer's
Sleep spells from him. She'd need them to keep him subdued long enough for more stress relief
and evidence cover-up. Taking a brief moment to puncture Raijin enough times to make him
sink into the sea she started to drag Seifer away, occasionally casting another Sleep spell
to keep him out.
Making things up to evade nosy citizens was bothersome, but Selphie finally made it
out of town and to the train tracks. It was a good thing too; she was almost out of Sleeps.
Selphie pulled Seifer's coat over his head, cast another Sleep spell on him, and laid him on
the tracks.
"Traaain train, take us away..." she began to sing as she pranced away. She always
liked trains. Everything about them. And not but half a minute later did the Timber-Balamb
train speed by, drowning out her song and scattering Seifer across the landscape. Selphie
felt warm and fuzzy inside.
3
Back at Balamb Garden Quistis, Nida, and Rinoa were sitting around listening to the
details of Squall's recent trip to Esthar.
"He's nuts." Nida laughed.
"...and so Ward walks up to him, puts a *voice box* to his throat and begins chewing
Laguna out." Squall continued. The other three laughed even harder. "Kiros then came in
and looked around, and man... he was so freaked."
"I wish you'd have been able to take me." Rinoa giggled, resting her head on Squall's
shoulder.
"Hi! ^_^" Selphie exclaimed to announce her entry.
"Oh, Selphie," Quistis said, stifling laughter. "You just missed the funniest thing.
It's about Squall's meeting with the president of Esthar."
"Aww, I wish I'd been able to see Sir Laguna again." Selphie smiled.
"Where've you been all afternoon, Selphie?" Nida asked.
"I went to Balamb looking for Yuffie," she replied. "She said she was going there,
and I haven't seen her since. o.o;"
"She'll probably turn up when she's bored...or when the police bring her back here."
Quistis said.
"I guess you're right. ^^"
"Go on Squall, tell her what happened." Rinoa said.
"Well, when I first got to the president's room the first thing I noticed--"
"HEEEEELLP!!!" Zell screamed as he rushed in, now running around in circles being
chased by a domestic cat. Rinoa rescued Zell by scooping up the cat in her arms. When Zell
came to a halt, he was breathing deeply and his arms were covered in scratches.
"Zell, what the hell did you do now?" Squall asked calmly.
"That cat was trying to kill me!" Zell exclaimed.
"Why was it trying to kill you?" Quistis asked.
"It scratched me because I was trying to stuff it into a treasure chest!" Zell
whimpered.
"...stuff?"
"There were four other cats in it, but if it hadn't started attacking me I could've
fit it in there too."
"And why were trying to do this?" Squall asked, now impatient.
"So I could take those cats to the beach!"
"But why did you want to do that?"
Zell pondered this question carefully and concluded by shrugging his shoulders. "I
dunno, it seemed like a good idea at the time."
"You've been really bored lately, huh Zell?" Rinoa said, shaking her head.
"Oh, hi Irvine." Quistis greeted.
"Irvy-poo! ^_^" Selphie exclaimed.
"Sefie!" Irvine said, embracing Selphie.
"My sticks of death are broken. :(" Selphie pouted. "Would you have any Adamantine,
Irvy-poo? ^^;"
"I don't think so... I might've used it up already. Tell ya what. I'll go get some
for you!" Irvine grinned.
"Booyaka! You're the coolest! ^-^"
"By the way, how did this happen?"
"Seifer broke them while I was in Balamb. But I kicked his butt good! ^^;"
"Seifer? Huh... well I'm glad to hear that. If that's the case, I'm taking the
Ragnarok..." Irvine said, exiting the room.
"Whhp-psh!!" Quistis hissed, making whipping motions. Rinoa and Quistis laughed.
Selphie looked at the snapped chain of her sticks of death, but didn't really feel as
sad as she expected to. Much like the way stabbing Yuffie had made her feel better about her
prized Beanie Babies, murdering the disciplinary committee made her feel a lot better about
her custom weapon. As long as there were fresh prey, Selphie could maintain her cheerful
attitude all the time...
4
There was a knock on Selphie's door.
"Selphie? It's Nida. Headmaster Cid wanted me to talk to you."
"Ahh... just a sec... come in! ^^;"
Nida walked into Selphie's room lit by dim evening light and sat down. Selphie was
sitting at her computer, her face glowing an eerie shade of blue from the light of her
monitor.
"Hi, uhh... how have you been?" Nida asked.
"Okay I guess. ^^" Selphie said.
"Is that so? Have you seen Yuffie in the last three days?"
"Hmmm... I don't think so."
"What do you mean by that? Did you or didn't you see her?"
"No, I haven't. But Yuffie does this sometimes..." Selphie said, not looking away
from her terminal.
"She's never been absent from the Garden this long without some kind of notice...
aren't you worried about her?"
"Of course, Nida. ^^"
"You haven't acted too concerned... are you holding it in to stay cheerful around us?"
"Maybe. ^^;" Selphie said, feeling slightly nervous now.
"You don't have to hold back with us. You and Yuffie were close friends, so it's
understandable that you'd feel stressed by her disappearance. I'll have to ask you questions
about your last--"
"Umm, can we do this another time? -_-;;" Selphie asked.
"Oh...I understand. When would be a good time to talk to you? Tomorrow maybe?" Nida
asked, standing up.
"How about the day after, same time? ^^;"
"Alright, that'll do. I'm sorry about her disappearance. I have to go interrogate
people that Yuffie has had some past conflict with meaning... I'll be visiting a lot of
dorms all evening for the next couple of days. Especially since over forty people have
confessed to killing her." Nida sighed as he exited. "Take care..."
"Bye! ^_^" Selphie said, closing the door right behind him. When she turned back
to her computer, the screen was blue.
"Oh no! _" Selphie said, hitting keys to bypass the blue screens, only to find
that they kept returning. When the crashes stopped, her machine needed restarting.
Unfortunately, it wouldn't start again. She spent all night trying to get things fixed then
sighed and went to bed, deciding she'd handle things in the morning. When she couldn't fix
things that morning, she decided she needed to do something to make her happy again.
5
Selphie was in a mostly empty classroom that afternoon using a computer there to
connect to the Garden Network. Chu-Chu and a young female Garden rookie were there, but the
girl was leaving and Selphie wasn't quite on good terms with Chu-Chu. She usually didn't
stay on bad terms with Chu-Chu this long, but if she got really upset with her she knew
exactly what to do. On the message boards rumors had spread of a killer in Balamb.
Posted by Trepie #7:
"i don't think it's a killer. but it is funny that not only yuffie is missing,
but my brother in balamb sez the disciplinary committee is missing. he knew
them kinda well and he'd know if they went somewhere else"
Posted by XX_QuiSTiSRoCKS_XX:
"lolol who cares if yuffie got killed she's a biotch that stole my guardian
force. she can DIE"
Posted by TonberrySummon:
"FoaD, QuiSTiSRoCKS, Selphie posts on this board regularly and she might be
reading this thread. Yuffie was her roommate you know. I hope that if there
is a serial killer in our Garden that you're the next to die. You're probably
failing in all your classes anyways."
"Sefie! I got your adamantine at last!" Irvine said, placing a large chunk of the
material next to Selphie's terminal.
"Oh cool, thanks. ^_^" she replied, standing up to hug Irvine.
"I have to go now, but I'll see you this evening. Later!"
"Bye Irvy-poo. ^^" Selphie waved, hiding one of Irvine's guns behind her back.
Stabbing gave her the most satisfaction of all her murders, but the gun would prove handy in
case she found herself in danger like she had back on the Balamb pier. She plopped back down
and read the last message on the thread:
Posted by SeeDNida:
"Both you stop it right now. This morning Xu's body was found in the
makeout area of the training center. At this point we believe she died of a
punctured trachea, amongst several other stab wounds. Any more jokes about
the killings going on and I will BAN you people."
Selphie looked over Nida's post carefully, feeling somewhat nervous that Xu's body
had been found already, yet also feeling fuzzy inside reminiscing over Xu's struggle with
her and the way she gurgled when her throat had been gouged. With a wide grin on her face,
Selphie posted a reply:
"LOL@PUCTNUREDTRACHEA!!!!111"
With that she signed off, shut down her terminal and stood up. Mysteriously the
screen lit up again as she was leaving, brightly shining a message in bold capital letters.
"FEED ME A PINK RAT" the terminal demanded.
"Am I going crazy? O_o;;;" Selphie thought to herself. The computer was already off,
but the message still shone on the screen. Selphie decided to obey the strange computer, and
grabbed Chu-Chu away from her terminal.
"Hey! What are chu doing!?" she squeaked. Selphie ignored her and placed her up to
the computer's diskette entry, smiling the whole time. She then drew Irvine's gun and
pointed it to the disk drive's slot as if to blast Chu-Chu into it.
"I'm sorry about your page! Please! I didn't mean chu! I won't chu it again!!"
Chu-Chu struggled. Then the first bullet gave Selphie's terminal a sample of it's desired
meal.
"Chu... killed Chuffie... she isn't missing, chu killed her..." she squeaked, gasping
for air. Selphie decided to hasten the computer's meal, serving more nuggets of pink rat on
hot lead platters. When the gun ran out of bullets, Selphie decided to assume the terminal
was full.
"Was it good? ^___^" Selphie asked the computer.
"SING ME A LULLABY" the screen now read.
"Aye yai yai I'm your little butterfly, green black and blue make the colors in the
sky!" she began to sing as headed for the exit. Someone was just entering the room.
"What the hell was all that noise earli--urrk!" an old Garden instructor exclaimed
before being dragged into the classroom and pistol whipped unconscious by Selphie, still
singing. When the coast was clear outside a clatter of glass shattering was heard as the
Garden instructor tumbled along the side of the Garden before falling to his death in the
forest. Chu-Chu's remains followed.
"Booyaka!" Selphie exclaimed, toasting her third execution that day with another
snack pie. She made one last check to confirm that her computer was now satisfied (a blank
screen sufficed) and closed up the classroom herself.
6
That evening she had Zell over in her dorm.
"Awww hells yeah! This time I'll take your Jumbo Cactuar!" Zell exclaimed
victoriously.
"That's enough for now. -_-;" Selphie said, handing the card over and standing up.
"Dude, everyone's scared because of that alleged killer in our Garden. One of the
classrooms was closed off today because they found blood and bullet holes all over one of the
computers!" Zell explained, oblivious to Selphie digging through her junk. "Are you scared
too?"
"No way, my Irvy-poo will protect me! ^__^" Selphie exclaimed, slowly pulling a
powerdrill from under her bed. She held it behind Zell's head quietly and carefully,
meticulously trying to assess the perfect spot to make her puncture.
"He will? He's not around you all the time. How do you fi--"
"Heehee, you know... Kefka once said, 'There's nothing more pleasant than the sound
of hundreds of voices screaming in unison!' Isn't that something? o.o" she interrupted,
finding just the right spot to enter Zell's skull.
"Huh? Who's Kefka?" Zell asked. For some reason Zell's inquiry destroyed Selphie's
passion for the kill. Selphie lowered her powerdrill, concealed it behind her wastebasket
and pouted, looking very unhappy. Fortunately for her, Zell's concentration was directed
towards picking at scabs left by an angry cat a couple of days ago.
"Nevermind... -_-;" she said somewhat exhaustedly. "You were saying?"
"Yeah, I was sayin' that your roommate's gone, Xu was found dead, and someone else
had to have died if there was gore in that classroom. Aren't you afraid? I'm a little
scared, but when I find out who this guy is, I'm gonna do the Booya to him!" Zell confidently
said, standing up to shadowbox.
"See? Why should I be afraid? I've got strong friends like you ready to kick that
killer's butt! ^_^" Selphie said enthusiastically, gripping a screwdriver in her hand. She
edged up to Zell, ready to add the screwdriver to his spinal cord when he suddenly turned
around.
"Oh, what's that?" he asked.
"It's a screwdriver. I use it to open things. ^^;" Selphie said, showing it to him.
"Really? What are you gonna open with it?" Zell asked, unaware the danger
concentrated into the girl standing in front of him. Selphie hesitated, unable to harm Zell.
It wasn't that she was intimidated by him, but that she couldn't bring herself to harm him.
He was just too innocent, too vacant, too...stupid. The mood had already been killed
anyway. She figured that she could get back into the feel for it after the initial stabbing
but Zell's execution could come later.
"My computer." she finally said. "It's not working anymore. ;_;"
"Oh... did you try hitting it?"
"I don't think that would work..."
"Are you sure? Whenever something of mine is busted I hit it!"
"No Zell, that won't work. ^^"
"If you say so... I'm going to the Training Center to practice what I'm going to do
that killer now!" Zell said, scooping up his Triple Triad cards and hastily heading out the
door.
"Byee ^^" Selphie waved. Now she was bored. No computer. No roommate. No band
members. Irvy-poo! Selphie decided to head to his room.
Out in the hallway, five of the male Trepe groupies stood guard outside Quistis's
room. These guys never made it to being official SeeDs due to the amount of time spent
daydreaming about Quistis. These were her self-proclaimed stormtroopers.
"In rain or shine we will protect Quistis from any danger!" a Trepie exclaimed.
"The killer will get to her over our dead bodies!" another Trepie declared.
"Shut up, you're making me nervous!" said the first Trepie.
"Hey, I'm willing to give my life for our goddess!" the third said.
"That doesn't mean we have to!!" flailed the first.
"D'ya think she's still okay? I think we should knock on her door again." yet another
Trepie suggested.
"No, we're not disturbing her again!"
"Are you sure? The killer could be in there right--"
"I said NO!! Don't even think such a thing could happen!"
"Hey guys, I was just saying that I love Quistis so much that I'd be happy to give my
life for her!" said the third again.
"There are five of us and one killer! Nobody's going to die!"
"Maybe there's more than one killer?"
"Don't be dumb, serial killers never work in groups."
"They don't have to be working together! They can both independently ki--"
"Shut up shut up shut UP!!" the first one demanded.
"Keep it down out there!" Quistis said, now holding the door open.
"Yeeees Ms. Trepe!" the stormtroopers said in unison, in a tone not much different
from first graders addressing their teacher. Quistis stepped outside only to be blocked by
her groupies.
"Ms. Trepe, where are you going? It's too dangerous out here!"
"I have to go to Irvine's room real quick." she replied.
"We will come with you!"
"No! Can't I have my privacy?" she asked. The stormtroopers pondered this
momentarily. Quistis wanted to go to a man's room, and she demanded privacy. The equation
came rather quickly, and they all began to whine and bicker.
"Oh no that gun toting hick has stolen our goddess Trepe from us!" "Waaaah, Ms. Trepe
has been wooed!" "No how can this be-- I was going to marry her!" "How did this happen!?" "I
thought Squall was the only one who could do this!!" they all began to blubber in unison.
"Get out of the way!" Quistis demanded. "I just want to talk to him! I always talk
with my old comrades." The stormtroopers immediately regained themselves, grinning widely.
"Okay Miss Trepe! We will secure the entrance to your room while you're away!" one of
the Trepies called after her. Once Quistis was mostly out of earshot, they quietly argued
with each other again.
Inside Irvine's dorm, Garden's #1 sharpshooter was composing sappy poetry to woo
Selphie with when Quistis knocked.
"It's open." he said. Quistis stepped and stood over him to look at some of his work.
She pursed her lips, not quite approving of his work.
"Hey Quisty, this poetry stuff is hard! Do you know what rhymes 'nice hooters'?"
Irvine asked without looking away from his paper.
"How about 'Roto Rooter'?" she asked.
"Thanks! You're pretty good at this!"
"Umm...thanks. I'm not so sure you should use this poem just yet...why don't we
compose some more from scratch?"
"Sure. Alright, let's see... 'Selphie, you have--' Aww nuts!" he exclaimed, now in
the dark. "Darnit! The light bulb went out! Hold on, there might be some light bulbs in
one of my drawers." Irvine began to grope through some dirty magazines and fortunately came
upon one.
"Hang on, I'll have this fixed up in a jiffy." he said, climbing onto his bed and
getting on his tiptoes. Irvine was barely able to get to the broken bulb, to unscrew it he
would have to reach slightly. He unscrewed a little in one reach, a little more in another,
and when he got the bulb unscrewed, he lost his balance and fell onto Quistis. The bulb fell
from his hand and shattered.
"Ohhh Irvine!" Quistis gasped, getting the wind knocked out of her.
"Yeah... yes... I'm okay." she said, regaining her breath.
Selphie was on her way to Irvy-poo's room at the time, and just outside his door she
managed to hear Quistis exclaim, "Ohhh Irvine!" followed by a large thump.
"What is going on in there!? O_O;;;" she thought to herself. She knew Irvine to be
a womanizer, but with Quistis? No way! Quistis was untouchable! She had a cult following
amongst students under her as shown by the five babbling goons patrolling the door to her
room, and none of the Trepies were able to get so much as a date from Instructor Trepe.
Selphie decided to get her mind out of the gutter.
"Whew...sorry about that. Gimme a moment and I'll try again." she heard Irvine puff.
That was it. She opened the door, and saw Irvy-poo on top of Quistis, lying there in the
dark. Irvine quickly scrambled to his feet.
"Oh, hi Sefie..." Irvine said nervously.
"Hi Quistis." she said, ignoring Irvine.
"Umm... I'll be back with the new light bulb." Quistis said, scrambling to her feet
and taking off.
"Sefie, it's not what it looked like! I was writing you poetry! And, and and-- the
light burned out!" As Irvine continued to explain himself, Selphie felt control slipping
away from her. She felt hurt that her Irvy-poo was doing who knows what with the blonde,
long legged, Instructor Trepe but that was something she'd probably forgive. She knew
Irvine was the womanizing type since they met in Galbadia. However, his timid, frightened
behavior made her remember the fear she struck in past victims. Fujin clasping her hand to
her chest when she first unsheathed her nunchakus' blades. The wide-eyed look of terror in
Xu. Chu-Chu's racing pulse. Even if it was her Irvy-poo, his nervous stammering was
beginning to remind her of them.
"Sefie, I'm telling the truth..." Irvine said, trying to slide his arms around her
waist.
"Sure, it's okay. ^____^" Selphie said, unable to stifle her grin any longer. Irvine
felt slight unease at how wide Selphie's eyes were and released her, backing away.
Then he was dead, given less than three seconds to understand why.
Selphie had executed Irvine with the grace of a gymnast. Literally. When Irvine was
distanced just the right amount of space from her she leapt up onto him, balancing her knees
on his shoulders. She came very close to bumping her head on the ceiling. With a sharp twist
of her waist, Irvine's neck made several overlapping snaps. Selphie found it strange he died
with a smile on his face.
"I learned that playing Soul Edge! Booyaka! ^_^"
Out in the hallway, Quistis made the foolish mistake of getting rid of the Trepie
stormtroopers.
"Welcome back Miss Trepe! The coast is clear!" a Trepie grinned.
"Hey, if you guys want to be helpful, how about bringing me a light bulb?" she
replied, deciding to make use of her fandom.
"Light bulb? Yes, of course!"
"Anything for Miss Trepe!"
"Out of the way, *I* will get it!!"
"Don't be greedy, she asked us ALL to get it!"
"Someone needs to watch over her dorm!"
"So why don't you do it!?"
"Why don't YOU?"
Quistis sighed and went into her room to look for one she might have. The
stormtroopers scurried away taking their own separate paths to earn her favor. Selphie
peeked outside Irvine's room and saw the coast was clear, so she dragged the corpse to her
place.
"Hmm... Phoenix Down." she said, producing some from a drawer and using it on Irvine.
There was no effect.
"Bad Phoenix Down?" Selphie said, getting some from her supply. "I think these were
Yuffie's." The next applications did nothing either.
"Irvy-poo why... ;____;" she whined. Irvy-poo's murder was very gratifying, but it
was her Irvy-poo! Why did he have to be so...killable? "Well... at least he has a smile on
his face," she said, standing up and picking up his hat. "Goodbye, Irvy-poo... :("
Before she got too out of control, she decided that maybe she could give herself in
and take responsibility for her addiction.
"Squall! Squall!!" she said, pounding on the door at the end of the hallway.
"It's open." he said very faintly from inside. Selphie stepped inside and saw him
sitting on his bed reading a magazine.
"Squall, you gotta help me. I'm the killer!" she said, getting no response.
"Squall? Me. Selphie! Killer!" she said, nudging him slightly.
"...uh huh." he said vacantly, still reading.
"Squall, listen to me!! -_-; First I stabbed Yuffie and then I killed the
disciplinary committee and then I stabbed Xu and then and the computer told me to feed it
Chu-Chu and then I had to kill the teacher 'cuz he saw me and, and, and then Irvy-poo!"
"Whatever, that's not funny."
"I'm telling the truth, what am I gonna do!? _" she said, nudging him some more.
"Headmaster Cid's gonna bite me!"
Squall grunted the general noise of "I don't know" without taking his eyes off the
magazine. Selphie had bothered him with too much childish rubbish in the past.
"Squall... I'm gonna talk to Rinoa now," she said, giving up. "I might kill her too!
O_o"
"Tell her I said it was nice knowing her."
Selphie sighed and started her trip to the Guest rooms of the Garden. But as luck
would have it, she met Rinoa at the opposite end of the hall.
"Rinoa, come with me into my--" she immediately remembered the corpse. "into Irvine's
room real quick. We gotta talk! :("
Inside Irvine's dark room, she confessed to Rinoa.
"Selphie? Why!? How could you do that to your friends?" she began to complain. "You
can't just do that to people who care about you!"
"I don't know, why can't I stop killing... _" she nervously whined.
"We'll have to tell Headmaster Cid about this."
"NO!! X_x I'll be kicked out of SeeD and put in jail!"
"Selphie, if you really care about your friends you'll do this. You have to take
responsibility for your actions! Now come with me to tell Cid!"
Selphie gazed at Rinoa carefully...
"Heeelp!!" Rinoa screamed, running down the hallway as fast as she could, stopping to
pound on the doors of other dorms as she sped by. Following right behind her Selphie was
summoning the Doom Train Guardian Force, giggling eerily. SeeDs opened their doors and
watched in horror as Selphie chased her to the end of the hall. She pounded on Squall's door
blinking back tears, praying he would open up and save her. Then the spectral train
appeared, speeding down its invisible track, splattering Rinoa against Squall's door while it
passed through effortlessly. Squall opened up his door, got some blood on him, then shrugged
and went back inside.
"Selphie??" Rinoa asked, waking Selphie from here daydream. Selphie thought about
her daydream carefully...then decided that since she would be in trouble anyway, she'd risk
it. She cast a Silence spell on Rinoa.
Rinoa gasped, realizing she was next. She shoved Selphie out of the way and bolted
from the exit.
Rinoa ran down the hallway as fast as she could, stopping to pound on the doors of
other dorms as she sped by. Following right behind her Selphie was summoning a Guardian
Force... by luck, it wasn't Doomtrain. She had caught the attention of Gilgamesh.
"Tee hee! Hold still ^-^" Selphie giggled, not even breaking a sweat.
Rinoa reached the end of the hallway and pounded on Squall's door. Gilgamesh
appeared and reached for the Excalipoor.
"No, no!! Not that one! x_x" Selphie quietly said, shaking her hands. Gilgamesh drew
his hand away and reached for the Masamune.
"Yeah, that one. ^__^" Selphie nodded, grinning ear to ear. The guardian force drew
the sword and slashed at Rinoa three times. Rinoa stared up at Gilgamesh and quivered,
before scattering all over the floor in a bloody mess.
"It's open," Squall said.
"Thanks Gilgamesh! You da man! ^_^"
Gilgamesh gave Selphie a thumbs up and a wink before disappearing through the floor.
Still high off the fresh kill, Selphie turned around and looked at the doors warily. Little
did she know, Rinoa pounded on all the wrong doors to get attention. The first door Rinoa
pounded on belonged to Selphie. The next to Xu. Rinoa hit Zell's door, but he was in the
Training Center. The last door was Squall's. Selphie looked at the mess in front of that
last door and shrugged, deciding that would be a special surprise for Squall.
"Oh, and Squall said it was nice knowing you. ^^;;" Selphie smiled, bouncing back
to her room. Moments after she stepped inside her room, she heard Squall screaming about
something.
Squall held up a detached arm and narrowed his eyes.
"Selphie?" Squall said, shakily knocking on Selphie's door. He tested the door to
see if it was open and stepped inside. "Selphie, Rinoa was--" was all he could say before
fixating on Irvine's smiling corpse on the floor. Selphie was sitting at her broken
computer, using it as if it were on.
"Selphie!! You ARE the killer!" he said, drawing his gunblade. Selphie ignored him,
tapping away at her keyboard.
"Dammit Selphie, why!?" Squall shouted, knocking over some of her stuff. Selphie
still typed away. "Answer me!!" Squall sighed and approached Selphie.
"Selphie... what do you think Cid is going to do when he finds out about this?" Squall
said, sheathing his gunblade. "What could we have done do dese--aah!!"
Squall saw various shades of red and black flash before his eyes before he wound up
on the floor, grasping his bloodied ear. Selphie tossed her battered keyboard aside and
pulled out Squall's gunblade, driving it through his chest. Squall looked down at his torso
and gasped for air.
Squall's last thoughts were, "Is this the end..? No way, the last time I had an injury
like this, I woke up in prison and I was just......"
Outside, two Trepies arrived with light bulbs.
"Miss Trepe!"
"Miss Trepe! We have the-- YAAAAAAAAH!!" the other Trepie screeched quite femininely
before running away in horror.
"What's his pro... p-prob... YAAAAAAAAH!!" said the first, following suit after
seeing the pile of Rinoa gore. Quistis stepped outside her room.
"Well I don't have a bulb, so it's-- Ohhhh my gaaawd..." Quistis said, covering her
mouth and rushing to the other end of the hallway.
"Who could've done this..." she whispered, squatting over Rinoa.
"Jumprope jumprope, will I miss? Jumprope jumprope, just watch this! ^_^" Selphie
exclaimed, skipping out of her room holding a length of Squall's small intestine. As she
hopped over the length of gut it flung blood on the walls.
"EEK! Quistis!! X_x" Selphie said, realizing she'd been caught. Without the element
of surprise on her side, she was at a disadvantage. Quistis stood up and wielded her whip.
When Quistis approached her she dropped Squall's entrails and bolted into her room...cornering
herself. Quistis chased her in, staying very defensive.
Inside the room Selphie was wielding a pair of ordinary nunchakus, keeping her guard
up. On her face was a cheerful smile. It took Quistis time to notice that since the sight
of Squall and Irvine on the floor was a bit upsetting.
"All of these murders... you killed all those people!" Quistis exclaimed.
"Uhh... what's it to you? XP" Selphie razzed.
"You killed Rinoa..."
"Nooooo, not me! Gilgamesh did it. ^_^"
"You killed Xu..."
"Nope, not really! I hurt her, and we simply didn't get her to the hospital in
time. ^^;"
"You even killed Irvine!"
"But look at the way he's smiling! ^_^;"
"And you killed Squall... was I going to be next?"
"How can you ask something like that..? -_-;" Selphie said, trying to be subtle about
sliding her foot under the keyboard on the floor. Just as soon as Quistis opened her mouth
to speak...
"Selphie..."
Selphie immediately kicked the keyboard up at Quistis, who managed to deflect it with
her forearm. Selphie rushed in as well as she could with two bodies lying on the floor and
tried to attack, but Quistis's experience plus Irvine's lumpy body caused the attack to fail.
Quistis lashed her whip at Selphie, wrapping it around the nunchakus and yanking Selphie
towards her. Selphie yanked the nunchakus back, causing Quistis to stumble forward. Selphie
elbowed Quistis, but with her short arms it was rather desperate and ineffective. Quistis
kicked Selphie in the midsection to shove her away, but because Selphie still refused to let
go of the nunchakus, she fell onto Selphie.
"That hurt! X_x Meanie!" Selphie struggled, rolling Quistis off her and getting to
her feet. Now neither had their weapons. Quistis reached for the whip, only to have Selphie
step on her hand. Quistis hooked her free hand around the back of Selphie's leg and pulled,
rescuing her other hand and knocking Selphie onto her butt. The two SeeDs began parrying with
each other. Quistis came out on top when a backhand connected with Selphie's cheek.
"Ow, not my face! _" Selphie whimpered. This was the wrong kind of adrenaline she
was feeling. Where was the terror? She got up and started reaching for random items to toss
at Quistis. The only two objects that posed any real threat were her sticks of death, which
weren't bound by their chain. Unfortunately they happened to be sheathed. Quistis sprung to
her feet and lunged at her, ready to subdue Selphie. Her hair was beginning to unravel from
it's bun.
Quistis grabbed Selphie's wrists and tried to twist an arm around behind her back.
Because she wasn't much stronger than the killer, they struggled. Selphie grabbed her by the
wrists to put them on even grounds. Quistis shoved her against the wall in an attempt to stun
her. Selphie whirled Quistis around hitting her against the wall...except that's where a
window was. A small crack was made. Selphie reached one of her hands up, still restrained
by her current victim, and pushed her head against the window, stunning her. When Quistis's
grip loosened Selphie grabbed her head with both hands and drove it through the window with a
loud clatter. There was still some glass to be broken, so she bashed Quistis's head into the
last of it. A bright cheery smile crossed Selphie's face as she lowered Quistis's head out
the window and began to grind it side to side, slashing her neck against the broken edges of
the glass. Quistis coughed and sputtered before going limp, and blood oozed out the window.
"Whew..! X_x" Selphie sighed, wiping sweat from her forehead. She slid off her feet
into a seated position. She was very drained and breathing heavily, but she felt really
good. She went from killing four people in one day to almost twice that many, and the day
was not even done. It was quite a rush. She felt the slight bruise on her cheek and decided
that there was no way she was going to worm her way out of this. All three bodies were now
in her room, and that bruise was a sign of struggle. So she decided that she would just bask
in the afterglow of homicide.
"WOO-OW-WAAA!!" Zell shouted outside. It was time to end his life too.
Zell rushed in babbling, dressed in his Garden uniform now.
"Hey Selphie! I had to take a shower and change clothing 'cause a T-Rexaur threw up
on me, and then I saw Rinoa's body in the haa...ha..." he began to stammer, looking at the
bodies. Selphie looked up at him and pouted.
"Selphie! Are you hurt!?" he asked.
"My cheek hurts. And my butt hurts. And my Irvy-poo is dead. :("
"How did you survive?"
Selphie sighed. This one she couldn't explain.
"Umm... I may have had something to do with our friends dying. ^^;;;" she blushed.
"Oh--OH DANG!! You're crazy!" Zell exclaimed.
"Zell, you're going to turn me in, aren't you? :("
"Are you going to kill me if I do?" Zell asked, examining the dead Squall. Selphie
was reminded once again, she just couldn't kill someone like Zell.
"Maybe. :)" she said.
"I ain't goin' down without a fight!" Zell snapped, starting to shadowbox.
"Zell, calm down. ^^ Think of it this way-- I could've killed you when you were here
earlier, but I didn't. I wasn't going to kill you. ^_^"
"Aww Selphie you really are my friend!" Zell said, stepping over Irvine and helping
Selphie to her feet. Selphie's hands were stained a dark shade of maroon. "AAAAH! That's
Quistis!" Zell squeaked. The killer walked over to her door and closed it.
"So uhh... we're still friends then? ^^;;"
"I dunno, you killed all our old buddies!"
"Then I'll have to do something *really* special to make it up, huh? ^^;" Selphie
said.
"I don't think so... Well, now that you mention it," Zell started. "There's been
something I've been wanting for a really long time..."
"Oh... I think I know what you mean. ^^;" Selphie grinned. "In that case, tomorrow
morning before everyone wakes up I want you to meet me at..." she began to whisper.
7
"OH HELLS YE-EEAH!!" Zell said ecstatically from inside the cafeteria's kitchen.
Selphie pursed her lips, "Mmmm... ^^;;"
"Selphie, this is the best. Your secret is safe with me." Zell beamed, smearing some
mustard. He took a ravenous bite of his hot dog, barely having room to chew.
"I liked pie. :)))) Now I like chili too. :)))"
"I can't believe this tastes so good." Zell said, spraying food lightly.
"Actually I have to thank you too Zell. I would have never thought of making these
hot dogs. ^_^" Selphie smiled, squeezing ketchup onto hers.
"I'm guh-uh mith Phquall." Zell said with his mouth full once again. "But he ith
ffo yummy!"
"And I'm gonna miss my Irvy-poo. ;_;" Selphie said sadly. "Hey, we should get out
of here, the kitchen staff will be coming soon. ^^;"
"I bet they'll be freaked to see this sudden surplus of hot dogs and chili." Zell
commented, carrying two hot dogs in each hand.
"I won't be there to see it, I'm gonna hide out in Timber. :(" Selphie pouted as they
locked up and headed down the concentric path to the elevator. "I won't get to see all the
Trepies freaking out about Quistis being missing either."
A couple of Garden students and a SeeD were already up and about.
"Thanks again Selph. I'll be waiting for ya." Zell winked.
"Bye! I'll send a--"
"Hold it right there, Tilmitt." a familiar voice said coldly. Selphie's heart
skipped a beat.
"Seifer!? O_o"
Seifer walked slowly towards the two, bobbing a cheap gunblade on his shoulder. His
coat was soiled from being dragged across rough terrain by Selphie. Other than that, he was
in perfect shape.
"How did you..." she trailed off.
"Sleep spells are warded off sometimes you know. You probably couldn't tell because
I was already asleep. Whatever happened, I woke up with just enough time to roll out of the
train's path. It's a shame you didn't have rope, huh?"
"This isn't fair, I haven't had time to repair my sticks of death but you got a new
gunblade. -_-;" Selphie quietly said, backing away.
"I don't care about fairness anymore." Seifer irritably said, swinging his gunblade.
"After what happened in Balamb, I'll make sure your death is slow and painful. Then I'll
cremate you myself!!"
"Seifer's the killer!" a female Garden student shouted.
"What!?"
"Seifer's the killer! He said he's going to kill Selphie now!"
"Yeah, it's makes sense!" exclaimed a SeeD running to the scene. "He's disgruntled
with Squall and the rest so he came to kill all the SeeDs!"
"Get him!!" another student shouted.
Seifer did the best he could against the slowly multiplying waves of Garden students
and SeeDs swarming at him. He waved his gunblade around defensively and tried to make it out
of the Garden. But within minutes he was pinned to the floor and disarmed.
"Hey! Stop! Stupid, Selphie's the real killer!" Seifer struggled.
"Selphie the real killer?" a SeeD asked, turning to look at Selphie.
"Cremate? O.o;; How will he cremate us when he doesn't have any cream?" Selphie
asked. Zell pondered it, then shrugged.
"Shyeah, Selphie's the killer and I'm Instructor Trepe!" the SeeD scoffed. "You
could've done better than that, Seifer."
"Aww, c'mon, no!! She was in Balamb strangling Raijin! C'mon! You know what's up
Chicken Wuss, help me here! Chicken Wuss!!" Seifer shouted as he was dragged away, kicking
his legs violently.
"Going somewhere, Selphie?" Zell grinned, arcing his neck to bite a hot dog without
dropping the others.
"No, nowhere at all. ^_^" Selphie cheerfully said. "Oh, but I gotta clean my
room... after CLASS. -_-;"
With Seifer in the Garden's custody, investigations of the murders were called off,
clearing Selphie's name. But what will Selphie do the next time she feels unhappy?
(cue camera zooming away from Garden, Institutionalized kicks in)
THE END?