A/N: If you want to read a good fic about what happens after #48, then
don't read this, but read "And the Rain Gently Falls" by Forlay.
For all my friends who are willing to talk to both halves of a starfish
I was looking at myself in the broken shard of mirror.
Rachel of the darkness down deep inside. Rachel with the dark heart.
That was me. My heart was me, the real me.
The darkness down deep inside was me. All the rest was simply my conscience.
It was rules and morals that had nothing to do with me.
I had my dark heart, and then I had the habits I've picked up. The
meaningless imitation of other people's goodness.
I'd grown up among good, kind, loving people. I automatically acted and
thought and felt like them. And I'd always believed I was one of them.
For a long time, I had hardly noticed the darkness in me. And later --
already during the war --, when it surfaced, I still hadn't known that was
the real me.
Even when I had split into two, I had thought both Rachels were a part of
me.
They weren't. Mean Rachel had simply shed the emotions that weren't her own.
Caring and compassion weren't a part of her. But fear of herself was.
That was the only reason I had let Visser One escape. For fear of myself,
for fear of what I would become.
That was the only reason I was scared of killing David.
That was the reason I was so scared now. It scared me that I was just rage
and hate and the will for power, and nothing, nothing more.
But Tobias! I still had Tobias! And then I had to be something more than
that, didn't I?
Yes. I still loved Tobias. And I loved Mom and Jordan and Sara and Dad, too.
And Cassie, and Jake, and all my other cousins. Even Marco and Ax. And I had
Melissa and many other friends.
I loved them genuinely. Not by following some irrelevant rule. It wasn't
just that I *should* love them -- I did love them.
Because morals were irrelevant to me, but people were not.
I loved them from all my heart. Not from my conscience. But from my dark
heart.
I was Mean Rachel, yes. But I could still love and be loved.
I was not one of the good guys. But I could still do the right thing.
I'd do the right thing about David, now. Not the right thing for my
conscience, but the right thing for everyone.
What was the right thing for the resistance? To get rid of David, one way or
another.
And what was the right thing for David?
He was telling me that very clearly.
So I raised the broken shard of mirror above him.
And David thanked me, the way they thank truly good people.
don't read this, but read "And the Rain Gently Falls" by Forlay.
For all my friends who are willing to talk to both halves of a starfish
I was looking at myself in the broken shard of mirror.
Rachel of the darkness down deep inside. Rachel with the dark heart.
That was me. My heart was me, the real me.
The darkness down deep inside was me. All the rest was simply my conscience.
It was rules and morals that had nothing to do with me.
I had my dark heart, and then I had the habits I've picked up. The
meaningless imitation of other people's goodness.
I'd grown up among good, kind, loving people. I automatically acted and
thought and felt like them. And I'd always believed I was one of them.
For a long time, I had hardly noticed the darkness in me. And later --
already during the war --, when it surfaced, I still hadn't known that was
the real me.
Even when I had split into two, I had thought both Rachels were a part of
me.
They weren't. Mean Rachel had simply shed the emotions that weren't her own.
Caring and compassion weren't a part of her. But fear of herself was.
That was the only reason I had let Visser One escape. For fear of myself,
for fear of what I would become.
That was the only reason I was scared of killing David.
That was the reason I was so scared now. It scared me that I was just rage
and hate and the will for power, and nothing, nothing more.
But Tobias! I still had Tobias! And then I had to be something more than
that, didn't I?
Yes. I still loved Tobias. And I loved Mom and Jordan and Sara and Dad, too.
And Cassie, and Jake, and all my other cousins. Even Marco and Ax. And I had
Melissa and many other friends.
I loved them genuinely. Not by following some irrelevant rule. It wasn't
just that I *should* love them -- I did love them.
Because morals were irrelevant to me, but people were not.
I loved them from all my heart. Not from my conscience. But from my dark
heart.
I was Mean Rachel, yes. But I could still love and be loved.
I was not one of the good guys. But I could still do the right thing.
I'd do the right thing about David, now. Not the right thing for my
conscience, but the right thing for everyone.
What was the right thing for the resistance? To get rid of David, one way or
another.
And what was the right thing for David?
He was telling me that very clearly.
So I raised the broken shard of mirror above him.
And David thanked me, the way they thank truly good people.