How long has it been since I've not looking at the ceiling? I lay in bed all day, minutes and hours passing me by, and all I do is stare above. The ceiling is white, and to the left, there is a fan that whirls by in a swishing brown motion. A knock at the door almost disturbs me, but I've come to expect it. Everyone that comes to this room should know that I won't answer, so the visitor comes right in and closes the door. But I don't look over to see who it is. I already know.
"Vash, you need to come out sometime! It's a lovely day outside, and here you are, wasting away in this room." A slight click sounds as she puts down something. She's only joking; her voice is light, and her tone implies that she knows I won't heed her pleas. She's only nice to me because... because...
I'm not sure why she's nice to me, to be truthful. She used to give me a hard time about everything. She still does, but she's better in her way now than then. She pulls up a chair and sits down by my bed.
"I fixed you some tea, Vash. Mandarin orange, I think the packet was. I hope you like it." Yes, her tone is light and airy, trying not to give much away. But surely it's been hard on her, taking care of me in my state. My state. She doesn't talk about it, and neither do I; but I'm the one that says nothing all day long, and does nothing all day long, and never goes anywhere all day long... Lay down and stare at the white ceiling with its brown fan. This is my new existence. Supine and feeling fine.
"Milly's in the kitchen, baking some sugar cookies. She's really rather good at it, though you might usually think otherwise." I can hear her smile. "We'd make you some donuts, but we've tried before. We just can't seem to get it right! We followed the directions exactly as they were presented, but they still turned out soggy and lumpy. We're sorry we can't make them for you..." She trails off, and I imagine that she looks rather regretful now. But I don't move, or speak to comfort her. I feel drained in every way, and she talks of donuts. Odd.
Yet it's not. She has no clue what goes through my mind, but she keeps going on, day after day. She and Milly could have left me alone to fend for myself, but they knew that I hadn't the heart to go on. They took it upon themselves to care for me, like a mother might for an orphaned child. They never had to, but they did. I don't wonder why, but maybe I should. If the only kindness in these days comes from those two insurance girls, who've given up their jobs for me... to care for me... then...
"Vash." I want to throw away my identity and start anew, but these girls prevent me from doing it! Go away go away go away go away--
"Vash, you're crying." Good for you, Meryl. I'm glad you're so astute. What would I do without you?
I'm being harsh for no good reason. At least it's not being voiced, right? But she noticed my condition before I did, so what does that say? It says, I'm not paying attention to anything. I don't want to pay attention to anything, not a thing. I just don't want to keep going like this.
She bends over and lays her head on my stomach, her face buried in my off-white, dirty shirt. She shakes, and I can tell that she's crying. I don't know why; could it be from my own random tears? I'm not even sure why I'm crying... And it's so strange, because I feel like I'm floating on mere existence in this quiet room, crying without a notion of why with a girl that cares for me in a simple sort of way. It's a sad existence, but now we two share it. And even so, what do we do now?
I'm tired of doing nothing. And I'm tried of staring at a ceiling that gives me no more comfort than I've been giving Meryl, or Milly. This sort of life suffocates a person until they can't do anything more than the nothing that they desperately cling to. I don't want my life to consist of nothing moments. Besides, these girls shouldn't have to bear with my own silent tragedy like martyrs. They deserve the chance to live their lives free of the burden that is me. So, I gently touch Meryl's hair, but say nothing. She makes no movement yet.
But then she shifts and looks at me with tear-streaked eyes, sad eyes. I rise slightly to look into those eyes and see for myself what I have only been imagining. I think she holds her breath, just to hear me speak. I can't disappoint her again.
"You've cared for me as you are, as you've always been... strong and dependable. You haven't let me down, not for one moment, even in these difficult times." A quiet smile emerges on my face; I'm glad I'm still able to smile, after all this time.
"You give me joy, Meryl. Thank you."
In my arms I gather her, hold her to me. I can't just thank her for what she's done. She's been too patient. Too caring. I don't deserve this, and I can't repay it.
And in my arms she is still, quiet. No sound or motion comes forth from her but utter calm. If she gives no reaction...
I pull away and peer at her. A certain level of shock is upon her face. I'm not surprised. But suddenly she throws her arms around me and mumbles something I don't understand.
But for now, I'm content to hold you, Meryl.