PRESIDENTIAL BASH 2000
Disclaimer ~ I do not own Sailor Moon or anything affiliated with it... Yada, yada, yada... I don't own Saturday Night Live's Presidential Bash 2000 (which is what this script comes from) and I hope you enjoy. I'm trying to make my muses work again
Announcer ~ Live from the Park Athletic Center at the University of Massachusetts, the first of three presidential debates. Here's moderator Motoki Furuhata.
Motoki ~ Good evening, I'm Motoki Furuhata, welcome to this, the first of three presidential debates between Texas governor Seiya Kou and vice-president Mamoru Chiba. Now lets meet the candidates."
*APPLAUSE and PHOTO SNAPS*
Motoki ~ "Before we begin, I have been asked by the Kou campaign to announce that for the next three hours only, viewers in the states of Michigan, Missouri, and Pennsylvania have the option of free pay-per-view courtesy of the republican national committee. On channel 62, the 'Perfect Storm', with Yuuichirou Kumada and Shingo Tsukino, the film General Jadeite of USA Today called, the perfect movie. On channel 63, the beauty, grandeur, and savagery of Ancient Rome came to life in 'Gladiator' with General Kunzite. Gladiator, a hero will rise. Care for something just a bit naughty? On channel 64, ten penthouse pets join up with ten playboy playmates to find the perfect hustler centerfold in Miss Killer-body 2000. Contains nudity. With that out of the way, lets begin the debate. Mr. Vice President, during this campaign you have frequently called the Kou tax plan a risky scheme. Why?"
Chiba ~ "Well, Motoki, Governor Kou and I have two very different plans to offer tax relief to American families. In his plan the wealthiest 1% of American would receive nearly 50% of the benefits. My plan, Motoki, is different. Rather than squander the surplus on a risky tax cut for the wealthy, I would put it in what I call a lock-box."
Motoki ~ Governor Kou, your response.
Kou ~ I don't know what that was all about.... but I will tell you this, don't mess with Texas.
*laughter*
Chiba ~ I didn't mess with Texas
Motoki ~ Governor Kou, I listened very carefully to the vice president's remarks and I honestly do not believe he messed with Texas. Now governor Kou-
Chiba ~ Motoki, can I just say in my plan, the lock-box would be used only for social security and Medicare. It would have two different locks.
Motoki ~ Governor Kou-
Chiba ~ Now... Now one of the keys to the lock box would be kept by the president. the other key would be sealed in a small magnetic container and placed under the bumper of the senate majority leader's car.
Motoki ~ Governor Kou, the next question is for you. Two weeks ago at a meeting of the Economic Club of Detroit, you said the following. Quote. More seldom than not, the movies gives us exquisite sex and wholesome violence, that underscores our values. Every two child did. I will. End quote. What did you mean by that?
Kou ~ *clears his throat* Pass.
*laughter*
Motoki ~ Perhaps if you could see it on a monitor.
Kou ~ *watches* Pass.
Motoki ~ Really? No idea what that could mean?
Kou ~ Could it be... education?
Chiba ~ Motoki, I believe that what my opponent intended to say, was that all to often, the explicit sex and wholesale violence in films undermines our values.
Kou ~ Bingo. That was it. That was it.
Chiba ~ I happen to agree with the governor Kou on that and I commend him for it. But let me add something... Let me add something... in my plan, the lock-box would also be camouflaged. Now, to all outward appearances, it would be a leather-bound edition of the 'Count of Monty Cristo' but alas. It wouldn't be. It would be... the lock-box.
Motoki ~ Governor Kou, this question is for you and it concerns foreign policy. Last week in Nemisian elections, we saw the apparent defeat of prince diamond by challenger wiseman. Yet Diamond refused to step aside. As president, would you apply pressure on Diamond and openly aid Nemesis and his 'stone party'.. or by working with newborns such as Queen Beryl of the Negaverse or Queen Neherenia of the Black Moon?
Kou ~ First of all, I think that any instability in that first country you mentioned, uh... is troubling.... and clearly... the second guy you spoke of... uh... beat the first guy. Personally... I favor seeking the diplomatic help... a person I can call. Guy number three. uh... but I'm not going to pronounce any of their names tonight.... because I don't believe that's in our national interest.
Motoki ~ Vice-president Chiba.
Chiba ~ Motoki, let me here tonight issue a warning to the enemies or potential enemies of the United States. You may think you know the location of the lock-box... and maybe you do... or maybe that's a decoy, or a dummy lock-box. Only the chairman of the joint-chiefs, myself, and Usagi will know for sure.
Motoki ~ Which brings us to our final question. Governor Kou. Both you and the Vice-President have offered plans to provide prescription drugs for the elderly. What makes your plan superior?
Chiba ~ Motoki. I'd like to interrupt here and answer that question as if it were my turn to speak. Motoki, let me tell you about a friend of mine. Her name is Princess Kakyuu. She is ninety-four, she is a widow living on social security on my home planet. Kakyuu was born with only one kidney. She also suffers from Polio, Spinal Meningitis, lung, liver, pancreatic cancer, an enlarged heart, diabetes, and a rare form of cystic acne. Now, several recent strokes along with an unfortunate shark attack, have left her paralyzed and missing her right leg under the knee. Just last week she awoke from a coma to find that due to a hospital mix-up, her left arm had been amputated, infected with syphilis, and then reattached.
Motoki ~ Mr. Vice-President we are short of time-
Chiba ~ As you can imagine, Motoki, Kakyuu's prescription drug bills are staggering. They run to nearly one hundred and thirteen million dollars a day, and she tells me that some weeks, she has to choose between eating and treating her lime disease. Now under my plan, Kakyuu's prescription drug bills would be taken care of. Under my opponent's plan... her house would be burned to the ground.
Kou ~ I think that some of his figures may be inaccurate.
Motoki ~ Since we are so short on time... we will skip to the last question. If you could describe your campaign in one word, what would it be?
Kou ~ Strategery
Chiba ~ Lock-box.
*TV Cuts off*
Announcer ~ Please tune in next week for the second of three presidential debates.