dance2

Jondalar guided Racer at a lazy pace. They hadn't found the small herd of deer they'd spied before, and nothing big seemed to want to be found. Ranec had killed a few birds they saw nesting on the ground, and Jondalar killed a giant gopher, but that was about it. It was almost dark and they were heading back to the camp.

Racer hesitated and laid his ears back before prancing nervously, giving Jondalar a heads up. He knew something had to have spooked the horse, but scanning the area, he didn't see anything.

Ranec pulled up along side him on Whinney. He had never really wanted to ride the mare, but after traveling for so long he'd finally gotten used to it. He still hadn't rode the stallion alone, and oddly enough found himself looking forward to the experience.

"Do you see anything?" Jondalar whispered, and Ranec shook his head as he scanned the area. The density of the trees made it difficult to find predators, but both horses were now definitely experiencing signs of distress.

"Let Whinney take the lead, she'll know which direction to head in." Jondalar offered.

Ranec let go of the leather strap he used to help guide the mare, and as if on que, Whinney turned and trotted at a fast pace away from the area. Racer followed his dam without hesitation and after a few moments of riding both horses seemed to visibly relax.

"We'll have to take a wide berth to get back to the women," Ranec commented. "Why don't we go inland further? Whatever it was, was probably heading for the stream."

"I wanted to get fresh water on the way back, but we can get some in the morning. We still had a good bit left at camp."

The temperature was dropping rapidly as the sun set and Jondalar picked up the pace.

By the time they made it back to camp, it was dark as could be. Ayla and Madenia had lit quite a few fires around the camp.

Ranec and Jondalar dismounted immediately and Jondalar gave Racer a pat before heading for the tent.

"Ayla? Madenia?" he called, as he tried to quell the knots in his stomach. Normally the women would be around the fire, and there wouldn't be so many fires at that. Did they perhaps anticipate them finding the deer?

Madenia came out of the tent and ran into Jondalar's arms. Shocked at first, he regained his composure and wrapped his arms around the young woman. "Shh, we're here now. What's happened?"

When Madenia didn't answer, Ranec hurried over to the tent and lifted the flap back as he squatted down.

"Ayla?" he asked when he saw her small figure huddled into a ball. "Ayla, are you alright?"

Jondalar overheard Ranec's concern and pulled Madenia from him as he hurried to the tent. Ranec had already gone inside and was staring at Ayla with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?"

He could hear Ayla softly crying, and it was only then he became aware of other signs around the tent. There was blood on the furs, and her golden hair was plastered to her head with sweat.

"Oh Doni!" Jondalar scrambled towards Ayla and gently started to turn her over, fearing the worst. In her arms, was a small bundle of furs. Ranec, who had been sitting on the other side of Ayla, had already seen what Jondalar was just discovering.

"I tried&127." Ayla sobbed in a whisper. "I did everything I could. He wasn't breathing when he was born. I tried&127.."

as realization dawned on Jondalar, Ayla broke down in a fresh set of tears. "Oh Doni, No!" Jondalar cried as he took Ayla in his arms. Ranec was also crying openly now, and from outside somewhere, the lone howl of a wolf could be heard as Wolf mourned with the rest of his pack.

As Ayla clung to Jondalar, Ranec gently picked up the bundle and cradled the small form to him. Pulling back the furs, he discovered his own face as if it were sleeping peacefully.

Ranec's anguish couldn't find voice, and he sat there rocking the child of his spirit. The child he would never have a chance to see grow up. Never have a chance to teach his carving skills to. The child of his heart.

Ranec felt he couldn't breathe as he held the tiny infant close.

"I knew I shouldn't have left, I should have stayed," Jondalar cried as fresh tears mixed with Ayla's.

Tholiza, who had been crying earlier, was now simply staring at the adults in fear. Even at her young age she could sense something terrible was happening.

Madenia had at some point come back into the tent, though none of them knew just when. She scooped Tholiza into her arms and cried quietly, trying to be non obtrusive. When a tragedy such as this were to happen among her people, only the closest family would be allowed to be with the mother. It was a time of great loss for the entire cave, but the mother's privacy was well respected.

Ayla finally pulled back from Jondalar and reached for the tiny bundle. Ranec's eyes met hers as he handed the baby boy to her, and she rolled on her side as she cuddled him once again. Jondalar swallowed hard as he tentatively reached forward and pulled the furs back to reveal the infant, and his breath caught when he realized who's spirit had helped make the child.

Jondalar's emotions went from one of abject dispare to the knot of jealousy he felt building in in stomach. Ayla made a sound and he glanced down at her to see fear on her face, as well as grief. He knew that there was no place in their lives for jealousy. Not now, not ever. He only wished that he could erase the pain she was feeling. He stared at Ranec not knowing what to say, but finally nodded his head, resigned. He pulled Ayla to him once more wishing he could have been there for her when she needed him.

They'd only been gone half a day! How could this have happened?

No one was sure just how much time had passed, but it was darker then the blackest fur outside. The moon was no where to be seen ,and they could hear animals off in the distance, some not too far away.

Finally, after Ayla had fallen into a fitful sleep, Jondalar gently laid her down. She still had the child in her arms, and he knew there was much work to be done.

When he stepped outside he was surprised at how cold the night had become. Sounds from animals drawn to the blood could be heard, and more than once he heard Wolf let out a warning growl, though he still couldn't see where Wolf had gotten to.

Both Whinney and Racer had decided to stay inside the fire rings, and Jondalar then remembered the fresh kills they'd brought back with them. Taking a piece of rope, he tied the small animals together and flung the other end around the branch of a tree. They were almost directly over a fire and Jondalar knew that something would have to work very hard if they wanted them.

The tent flap opened and soon Ranec was standing beside Jondalar as they both looked out into the darkness.

"I'm sorry," the carver started.

"So am I."

They didn't quite know what to say to each other. Suddenly, they could hear the sounds of a reed flute being played somewhere in the darkness, and both men's flesh crawled with goosebumps.

It was coming from the west, the directing they were traveling in. I was as if even the earth was morning their loss.

"I'll," Ranec's throat constricted and he had to try again. "I'll prepare a place for the baby."

Jondalar only nodded, trying to keep his feelings in check. After a moment, he spoke. "I'll uh....gather more wood for the fires. We have to keep whatever is out there away."

Ranec nodded in agreement, and both set off to do their tasks.

Ayla stared at the wall of the tent as dawn approached. She was alone except for Tholiza, and her new baby. She didn't feel as if she had any more tears to cry. Beside her sat a cup of cold willowbark tea. She didn't know who had given it to her, but she didn't feel like drinking or eating anything.

Why? She wanted to know. Why were all her sons taken from her? Her eyes traveled to the tiny bundle again and pulled back the furs so she could remember every part of him. Someone had washed him, and he looked like any other newborn would. He was big. He should have been strong. She knew that his spirit had been stolen before he was born and anger welled inside her.

He had been a mixture of her and Ranec. So tiny. So perfect. His umbilical cord was still attached, and it was then Ayla realized that she'd never even had a chance to tie it off. When he was stillborn, she had tried everything she knew to get him to live. She cleaned out his mouth and nose, and blew her air into his tiny lungs. She tried over and over until Madenia shook her and made her realize that it was too late. That's all she really remembered about that horrible night last night.

She vaguely remembered Ranec and Jondalar crying with her. And she remembered Ranec's eyes. Those eyes would haunt her dreams the rest of her life. Ayla felt shaky and weak as she sat up, and it was then she realized that she'd been washed and the furs changed. She reached for her pack and dug out the carrying cloak she'd made. Ayla held it to her cheek and closed her eyes, as she had done so many times in the past with another carrying cloak.

She had made it in the clan style, remembering Durc. Ayla knew what had to be done. He had to be given to the Great Earth Mother, and she had to say good-bye once again, to a son.

******~~~~~~~~********~~~~~~~~**********~~~~~~~~~**********~~~~~~~~~~*********

Ayla screamed and sat bolt upright in her furs, pushing them off her in the process. Jondalar jumped up from beside her out of a deep sleep and reached for her. Tholiza, startled from her mother's abrupt awakening, screamed in protest at being disturbed.

"Ayla? Ayla what's wrong?" Jondalar asked as he held her tight. She clung to him crying uncontrollably. Noise could be heard from outside and soon Ranec dove into the tent breathless and naked.

When he heard her scream he left his bedroll without a second thought to clothes or a weapon. He had to get to her to see what was wrong.

"Ayla?" Ranec asked, confused. There didn't seem to be any danger that he could tell.

"Oh Ranec! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

Puzzled, he looked at Jondalar who simply shrugged and stroked Ayla's hair. Madenia pushed her way into the tent hesitantly at first. "What happened?" She asked.

"My baby...I want my baby back...." Ayla sobbed and after a moment of indecision, Ranec picked up Tholiza and moved towards Ayla.

"She's right here, Ayla. What's the matter? You need to calm down, it isn't good for the baby." Jondalar gently chastised, but it didn't seem to calm her down.

"NO!" She pushed away from him and looked wildly about the tent.

"Ayla get a hold of yourself!" Jondalar reached for her again and this time used his strength to make sure she settled down.

"He's gone....oh Jondalar he's gone....."

"Who's gone Ayla? Did you have another nightmare? We're here. We're all safe." He reassured her.

Ayla stopped struggling and after a moment Jondalar released his hold on her. They all stared at Ayla as she looked at their stunned faces, then down at her abdomen.

She tentatively placed a hand on her large belly and let out a small, hysterical laugh. As reality sunk in, her laughing became more animated as tears ran down her face. "It didn't happen. Oh Mother! It was a dream, a bad dream!"

Madenia sighed in relief as her mentor seemed to be coming back to reality. She hadn't ever seen Ayla lose control like that before. She was always calm even in the most dire of situations. Wolf, who'd tried his best to blend into a corner of the tent, whined and hunkered towards Ayla. When she reached over and scratched him behind his ears, he licked her leg eagerly, also glad she wasn't hurt.

"That must have been some nightmare." Ranec let out a nervous laugh. The fact was, he was having a nightmare himself that wasn't too far from what Ayla had experienced. Now was not the time to mention that, he knew.

"I.....I dreamt that I had the baby. He was born without a spirit. I tried everything I knew but I couldn't save him!" Though reality was sinking in, it still all seemed too real and Ayla's voice shook as she recalled the vivid nightmare.

Jondalar pulled her once again into his embrace. "No wonder you were hysterical. Nothing's going to happen Ayla, I'll give myself to the Mother herself before I let anything happen to you or this baby, our baby." He added.

Ranec suddenly felt uncomfortable in their tent. He realized that he wasn't wearing any clothes, and truth be told, he had his heart set on the baby being of his spirit. "Madenia, why don't you make some tea?" He suggested, "I'll check the area to make sure everything's fine with the horses."

He handed Tholiza to Ayla who hugged her tightly before placing her on her breast. When she looked at Ranec's retreating figure though, she couldn't suppress the shudder that went through her. Somehow, she knew it was more than just a dream.

By the time everyone else settled and fell back to sleep, Ayla was still wide awake. She couldn't hardly remember any details of the dream, except Ranec's eyes and the gut wrenching loss. Her nerves were still on edge, and even with the tea blend Madenia made her, which Ayla had shown her how to prepare, she still couldn't relax.

Getting up quietly so she wouldn't disturb anyone, Ayla crawled out of the tent. Wolf lifted his head when Ayla stirred and followed her outside. She looked around the small clearing and Whinney nickered a greeting. Ayla wrapped her fur around her as she hunkered by the fire and stirred the hot embers. Adding twigs, then small pieces of wood, she soon had a good sized fire going.

Wolf made his way around the campsite, marking the territory as his for good measure as Ayla pulled out her red, otterskin medicine bag. Feeling the knots on the small pouches, she pulled out two and mixed the contents in a cup while she waited for water to boil.

Looking at the night sky, she could tell dawn would be breaking soon. It would be a long day for everyone, thanks to her. She felt embarrassed that she'd caused such a stir but there was nothing she could do about it now.

Hearing a noise, she turned to see Ranec crawl out of his tent, look around sleepily, then head in her direction.

"Good morning." She greeted, though she knew it wasn't. "I hope I didn't wake you."

"What are you doing out here? You should be resting." He chastised as he sat beside her. Ayla took another cup and added some tea leaves to it. She shrugged but didn't answer as the water finally boiled.

After they each had a cup in hand, Ayla whispered. "I couldn't sleep."

Ranec nodded. "Me neither." He gave her a sidelong glance. "Are you sure you're all right? You gave us quite a scare earlier."

Ayla did her best to smile at him. "Yes. I just had a nightmare. It was worse than usual. I can't seem to get back to sleep."

Ranec smiled at her as he placed his cup down. "Here," he reached for her and placed her head in his lap as he massaged her lower back. "Just relax. Nothing's going to happen. I promise."

Ayla shuddered as a feeling of foreboding swept over her. She felt as if she'd already had this conversation with Ranec before. In fact, almost the entire situation seemed familiar to her. Ranec spoke softly to her as he massaged her back and stroked her hair, and after awhile, that along with the tea finally lulled her into a deep, well deserved, sleep.