Star Wars: Jar-Jar Binks
All Star Wars characters are © Lucasfilms and George Lucus
All Star Wars plants and animals are © Lucas Arts
Plot, uh "borrowed" from Dragonball comic 29, "Bad Day at Turtle Rock"
Don't even bother suing me for any of this cause I'm dead broke, okieday?
Tarpals's Final Exam
When school bullies beat up Jar-Jar for the fifth time in one week, his mother sent him from Kinder-Bubble to the surface where he would learn how to fight and be strong. Jar-Jar was sent to Captain Tarpals of the Gungan Grand Army. Tarpals's training ground was a few meters from a cliff overlooking a huge jungle. Tarpals lived with his wife in a cabin near the training ground where they raised and trained battle kaadus. When Jar-Jar arrived, he noticed that Tarpals was already training a Gungan boy named Doyce Sydewyndr. Doyce became Jar-Jar's rival in training with Tarpals, and had been getting the better of Jar-Jar in all the training tests.
On Jar-Jar's and Doyce's last day of training, as the sun set over the hill, and Tarpals's wife began preparing everyone a delicious meal while the old Gungan captain talked to the two youths outside…
"Yousa boys doin bombad great" Tarpals beamed at his pupils. Jar-Jar and Doyce had been working hard in their "battle training" for Captain Tarpals. The two pupils had done some harvest work, and were taught how to ride kaadus. Jar-Jar and Doyce had adopted their own kaadus, named them, and trained them how to ride in battle. Both had worked hard for the past three months and both went to bed sore every night.
"Yousa know how to manage yousa kaadu," Tarpals continued, "and yousa had grown strongo too. But yousa boys don't need only brains and brons, yousa also be needin mental power and concentration, not to mention stamina and a tunin of de five senses. Before yousa boys go home to yers mamas and papas, yousa needin pass one last test."
"Sure Cap'n Tarpals," Doyce agreed. "Wesa can do anytin now." Doyce was the smart one of the two rivals who seemed to be getting the better of Jar-Jar in their training. Jar-Jar seemed to be struggling with everything except keeping his kaadu, Honk, to a trot.
Tarpals picked up a rock, and took out a marking inker. Then he scribbled something on the flat side of the rock.
"Will wesa be racin again?" Jar-Jar moaned.
"Dere may be a footrace, yes." Tarpals nodded, putting the inker away. "Now, look at dis carefully." He showed them the scribble on the rock, an Otoh Gunga swirl.
"Yousa got dat memorized?"
"Uh-hai." Jar-Jar and Doyce nodded.
"Good." Tarpals went to the end of the cliff, and tossed it into the jungle below. A flock of geejaw flew off from where the rock hit some rekew trees in the distance.
"Issa dis a rock trowin contest, Cap'n?" Doyce asked.
"No. Yousa not trowin rocks, yousa findin rocks."
Jar-Jar and Doyce stared at Tarpals in fright.
"Yousa mean…" Jar-Jar stuttered, pointing at the jungle, "dat…dat rock…yousa just…"
"Yep." Tarpals nodded. He looked back at his cabin. "Yousa gots ta find dat rock. Whoever finds it and brings it back to mesa is da winna. And only da winna gets dinna."
Jar-Jar and Doyce squeaked in terror. Neither got to eat anything all day, and now they found out why.
Tarpals sat down, and looked at a timepiece on his left wrist. "And if neither of yousa find it in tirty minutes, neither of yousa get to eat." Before Tarpals could blink, both boys took off running. "Mesa wondering which one o yousa find it first!"
Jar-Jar and Doyce stopped at the edge of the cliff, and looked down the sixty-foot drop. "Whada wesa do now?" Doyce wondered. As if answering, Jar-Jar jumped down the cliff. Doyce watched in shock. "Datsa one hellova death wish yousa got Jar-Jar!"
Heh, Jar-Jar knew what he was doing. His mother taught him how to jump into trees. Jar-Jar found the perfect branch to cling onto, and grabbed it. Unfortunately, it instantly broke under his hands, and Jar-Jar went into free fall, screaming. Then he landed in a patch of woosha plant, and rubbed his head as he stood up.
"Hoo." Jar-Jar sighed. "Mesa achin all over." Suddenly, he broke into a run. "AAAAAAH! Dinna…remember dinna! Gotta remem…"
BAM! He ran into a tree. Just as quickly, he ran around the tree and into the jungle calling, "Here rockie, rockie, rockie!"
"Issa he Gungan?" Doyce wondered. Suddenly, he started to run around the cliff looking for a way down. "AAA! Hesa got way ahead of mesa!" Before he started to go down a steep bluff, he stopped. "Waitasec. Dere's no way anybody can find dat tiny rock in da bombad jungle in tirty minutes. Datzit!" Doyce dashed to the blumbush fields where some Gungan farmers were taking a break from the harvest. Doyce ran up to one lounging on his hoe in the evening heat.
" 'Scuse me! Ex-squeeze-me!"
"Can my help yousa?" the farmer asked.
"Please pardon mesa intrusion, but do yousa have an inker handy?"
"Sure." As the farmer went off to get an inker, Doyce searched the ground for a rock. He found a nice big one about the size and shape of Tarpals's rock as the farmer came back with an inker. Doyce scribbled Tarpals's picture the best he could.
"Tank yousa." Doyce chirped running back to Tarpals's cabin with the forgery.
Meanwhile, back in the jungle, little Jar-Jar looked everywhere for that rock.
"Issa round here somewhere…"
Doyce peeked from his hiding place to see Tarpals sitting cross-legged in the grass, smoking a small pipe. Perfect, Doyce thought with his secret smirk. Now mesa need ta look like my really worked for it. Doyce huffed heavily and ran out of his hiding place with the rock.
"Captn Tarpals! Mesa found it!" Tarpals looked at his timepiece, then at Doyce.
"Well, dat was quick." He smiled as he stood up. "Let mesa see." Doyce handed Tarpals the rock, and kept up his tired act.
"Mesa look everywhere, Captn. Mesa even swim in da river, and…"
BONK! Tarpals threw the rock at Doyce's head.
"Whatsa yousa tink, mesa stupid?!" Tarpals scolded. "Dat not my handwritin, yousa dumdum! Now go find it for real!"
"WAAAAAA!" Doyce cried, running for his dinner. "Forgive mesa!"
"Hmph." Tarpals snorted, sitting back down to smoke his pipe.
Doyce screamed and ran for his life as he was chased by a Nubian Tusk-cat in the jungle swamps. Great, first the narglatches, then the fanbaa stampede, and now this! He thought about climbing up a tree, but the cat would just climb up after him. Jumping in the river wouldn't do any good. Now what?
Suddenly, a huge humpbacked rancor stormed onto the scene, and grabbed the cat to devour it. Doyce looked over his shoulder at the rancor chomping on the cat.
"Dere's always da bigger fish." Doyce sighed, running from the rancor's view. Finally, Doyce stopped to rest under a zaela tree. "Whatsa else can go wrongo?"
"MY FOUND IT!"
"Huh?" Doyce raised his head towards the shout. "Jar-Jar? Issa dat yous?" Doyce got up and ran to the whooping and cheering noises. Doyce didn't have to go far to find Jar-Jar hopping up and down with the rock in his hand, yodeling whoops like an idiot.
"Mesa gonna get din-na!" Jar-Jar sang.
"No way!" Doyce blinked. "How'd yousa find it?"
"Mesa trip over it runnin from da fanbaa stampede." Jar-Jar explained.
"Yousa liar." Doyce accused, holding out his hand. "Lemmesa see dat."
"See?" Jar-Jar handed Doyce the rock. "Is da one Tarpals trew."
Suddenly, Doyce ran off with the rock, sticking out his foot long tongue at Jar-Jar. "Ha ha, succa!"
"HEY!" Jar-Jar screamed, chasing Doyce through the jungle. "YOUSA CHEETA!"
Jar-Jar chased Doyce through a family of nunas, and caused Doyce to run into a tree three times in a row. Then, Doyce ran through a fanback nesting area, hoping to make Jar-Jar too scared to pursue. But as clumsy as Jar-Jar was, Jar-Jar wasn't a dummy. Jar-Jar ran around the nesting area, and quickly caught up with Doyce.
"Yousa givet back, tooke eater!" Jar-Jar shouted after Doyce.
"No way, nerf herder!" Doyce yelled over his shoulder. "Allsa fair in love, war, and dinna time!"
"Yousa bombad rancor bait!" Suddenly Jar-Jar flipped over Doyce, and landed in front of him, causing Doyce to crash into him, and into the mud. Then Jar-Jar tried to wrestle the rock out of Doyce's hands. Doyce whacked Jar-Jar on the head with the rock, and pushed him into a tree. As Doyce kept running back to the cabin, Jar-Jar was right back on his heels, continuing the chase.
Doyce was running out of ideas on how to loose Jar-Jar. When there was no choice left, Doyce stopped running and faced Jar-Jar.
"Yousa wanna rumble? Let'sa rumble!"
"Yousa askin for a crunchin!" Jar-Jar leaped on Doyce, and the two started pounding on each other, until Jar-Jar finally kicked Doyce in the mud again. "Say uncle!" Jar-Jar demanded.
"Uncle! Uncle! Uncle!" Doyce pleaded, holding a hand up to shield him. Jar-Jar seemed stronger than before.
"Now gimmesa da rock, dewback spit!" Jar-Jar ordered, holding out his hand. Doyce rolled over in the mud, keeping his back to Jar-Jar, and sat up to catch his breath. After a few seconds, Doyce stood up with the rock in his other hand.
"Yousa go trip over your rock again." Doyce cursed, throwing the rock away into some distant bushes.
"AAAAA!" Jar-Jar yelped, running after it. "YOUSA DUMDUM!" When Jar-Jar was out of sight, Doyce took off with the other rock in his hands.
"Hee hee." Doyce chuckled to himself, "when hesa find out dats da fake one…"
"Dis is my handwritin, alright." Tarpals nodded as he observed the rock Doyce gave him. "Well done, Doyce. Bombad job."
"Tank yousa, Captn Tarpals." Doyce bowed, hiding his secret smirk. Then Jar-Jar came back, throwing the fake rock at Doyce. Doyce was unknowingly bopped square in the butt.
So Doyce ate the delicious dinner made by Tarpals's wife while Jar-Jar starved in his room. The trip was postponed for three days since everyone but Jar-Jar became sick of ill-prepared tooke.
The End
Next: The Road to Otoh Gunga