"Roger Davis can have visitors now." The nurse smiled at me and gave me a gentle squeeze on my shoulder. She had been very nice to me during the hours that I waited, bringing me tea and offering kind words.
As I get ready to step into his room, a thousand pictures of what he may look like race through my mind. None of my fantasies are what I encounter. He willingly admitted himself so he wasn't bound to the bed, just attached to a heart monitor and a few other pieces of equipment that are unfamiliar to me. He is lying on top of the covers and I immediately notice how skinny he has become. His once muscular body has deteriorated to skin stretched over bones. I also observe the track marks on his arms. I had never seen them before and realized all this time; he kept them hidden from me. I couldn't take my eyes off of them; there seemed to be hundreds. He looked like a junkie.
"Mark?" His voice is soft, but it sounds like the Roger that I know.
"Yeah, buddy, It's me." I try to choke back the tears, but as soon as I hear his voice the floodgates open. "I'm sorry, I just… I…" I notice his eyes and for the first time since I came into the room, they were wide open. And alive, they were not the eyes of a stranger anymore.
"Shh. Shh, it's ok, calm down."
Leave it Roger to try and comfort me while he is lying in the hospital bed. I take a deep breath. "Uh… I didn't know if you wanted me here or not."
"Of course." He manages a small smile for me. "Mark, its fucked up, yesterday, I didn't care if I died, in fact I wanted to, but now I'm scared that I'm going to die too soon." I nod and notice the single tear running down his face. "April… she didn't even try to fight this. I thought she was stronger that that…" He seems to be saying this to himself more than me. We sit in silence for a long time until he falls asleep and a nurse kicks me out.
Finally I see a doctor come out of his room. After some fast-talking, I finally get him to answer me. I have so many questions for him and he is very patient with me and answers them all. He tells me that Roger is HIV+ and does not have the AIDS virus. He says that Roger is lucky, because had he continued on the same path he was heading, he may have not been diagnosed until much later and his immune system would have shut down eventually. He is starting him on AZT and begins lecturing me about helping Roger take care of himself. I tell him not to worry, that I will make Roger crazy with my nagging. He smiled and told me Roger was lucky to have a friend like me.
I called Collins and told him the news. I couldn't tell him about Roger's HIV status before, because… well just because. Collins began sobbing on the other end of the phone line. Those words are very familiar to him. He begs me to talk to Roger, but I tell him I'm on a payphone in the hall, and he's sleeping. He starts swearing because he has no way to get here, that he needs to be here for Roger. I tell him not to worry, that Roger will understand. He makes me promise to call him from Roger's room when he wakes up.
The next time I'm allowed into Roger's room, he is sitting up in bed fully dressed. He looks like a different person. The coloring in his face has returned to normal, and he was giving the nurse a hard time. I walk in the room and Roger declares his happiness seeing me. "They are letting me out of here. Finally!"
"Yeah, I know, the doctor gave me all the instructions. You have to start taking AZT and get a lot of rest."
"Yeah, yeah… I know…." He smiles, I know he appreciates me looking out for him. It is just hard for him to express his feelings. "When is April's funeral?"
"April's funeral?" I am actually shocked that he would want to go. I didn't even bother finding out. I saw her family at the hospital, but they didn't know who I was. "I… I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know? Mark, she was my girlfriend, I have to go."
"I just…I just… didn't find out, I'm sorry." How do I tell him that I didn't care enough to ask?
"Would you call her mother and ask her for me?" That is the last thing in the world that I want to do, but Roger asked.
"Sure, no problem. I'll be right back."
I walk out into the hall and find the payphone that I had called Collins on. I thought that was a hard phone call to make. I call information and get the number for April's mother. I press 1 to be connected automatically; it costs me $2.05. After I plop all my change in, I hear the phone start ringing.
"Hello, Mrs. Williams, this is Mark Cohen, I… uh was a friend of your daughter's, as well as Roger Davis'."
Silence on the other end.
"Roger is getting out of the hospital today and he asked me to call and find out when and where the funeral is going to take place."
Silence on the other end.
"Uh… he would really like to attend and say good…"
"Mr. Cohen" The voice interrupts me. " Please tell your friend Roger that he is not needed nor welcome in our lives. If he shows up anywhere near the funeral, I will call the police and have him arrested immediately."
"But…" too late, all I hear is a dial tone. "Thanks for your help."
Shit, how do I tell him? I walk back to the room and find him out of bed gathering his stuff. "Did you get in touch with them?"
"No, the number wasn't listed."
"Shit, I was afraid of that. That's all right, I know where they live. I'll just show up and find out."
"No, Roger… I lied; I talked to her mother. They don't want you there. She threatened to have you arrested if you show up."
"FUCK them!" Roger's rage fires up his eyes. "I have every right to be there."
"I know… but they lost their daughter."
"They hadn't seen her in months, they stopped calling and returning her messages."
"Roger, she was only calling for money to buy heroin with. For the two of you."
His eyes shoot me a look. "I know… but…"
"Listen, let's just go home and get some rest. I'm exhausted and I willing to bet you are too."
He nods in defeat. We walk out of the hospital and get a cab with some money Maureen left we with. Soon we are home to our loft, I try to help Roger up the stairs, but he insists that he is fine though he is pale and out of breath when we get to the top. I suddenly realize that I hadn't been home since arriving at the hospital. I didn't even think to come back and clean things up.
"Uh, Roger, why don't we go get something to eat."
"No way, I just want to find my bed and go to sleep."
"OK, wait here though, I just want to make sure everything is ok."
He leans back against the wall and waits for me.
I open the door and find the apartment spotless. Even our beds are made. On the table there is a bag of food and a note from Maureen.
"Hey boys, welcome home! I thought you might be sick of that hospital food, so I got some take out for you. Just heat and eat! I'll stop by later to check in on you two. Love you both, Maureen."
Roger laughs, "ooh just what I wanted, Thai food." I start unpacking the food, "Are you hungry?" He shrugs and I begin to prepare us dinner. I start asking him how many spring rolls he wants and realize he is fast asleep. I go over to him and wipe his usually styled hair out of his eyes. I watch him sleep.
I finally let out a sigh of relief. I didn't think we would ever be in this place again. I thought I would lose him first. Now, he has a second chance. I hope he realizes it. He starts talking and shaking in his sleep. The doctor told me that this is normal, that it would take days to get the drugs out of his system. He didn't want to go to a rehab center, even after my urging. In his sleep, he yells out and asks for help. I don't leave his side the entire time. He sleeps for hours, a restless sleep. Maureen comes and goes. Lecturing me about taking care of myself. I will be fine.
Roger finally wakes up and looks at me with hurt in eyes. His eyes are, unknowing to him, very revealing. Even when he tries to hide his feelings, I can see it right through his eyes. He starts pleading with me, begging me to go out and get him a fix. He swears that he only needs to do it one more time to get the edge off. I refuse and he yells and screams. He starts pounding the walls and throwing things. I try to calm him down but he just looks at me with the same look he used to give me.
I try calling Maureen, but she isn't home. She said she was going to be with her new friend Joanne tonight, to give Roger and me some space. The feeling in my stomach that I carried around all those months quickly returns. I don't think I can do this alone. I try to convince him to lie down but he again tells me off. A few minutes later, he grabs his jacket and goes out the door.