After about twelve hours of well-deserved sleep, I begin to stir to the smell of something cooking. I open my eyes and see Maureen cooking French toast. "Hey sweetie, what are you doing here?"
"Nothing baby, I got your message and figured you could use a good breakfast." She comes over and gives me a small kiss on the cheek.
"You never cook."
"Yeah, well, there is a first for everything. Have you heard from Roger again?"
"No, but I don't expect too. He should call me when the seven days are over." Wow, for the first time in months I feel completely free. The ache in my stomach disappeared and the dull pain in my shoulder seems to have been lifted. Roger is gone, but I know where he is, and I know that he is safe. He is willingly getting help. I can actually come home and not have to worry about what I will find when I get here.
I watch Maureen shuffle around the kitchen. She is telling me about her friend Joanne, whom she met at some random coffee shop. They just started talking to each other and became great friends.
"She's so smart Mark, she went to Harvard Law. She's a lawyer, isn't that funny?" Maureen laughs.
"Yeah, I guess that's funny."
"I mean, she's a professional! She actually has a real job. I'm just in awe of her."
Maureen prattles on about Joanne but I stop listening. Maureen has so many
friends that it is hard for me to keep track. I feel bad because I haven't been the best boyfriend lately, but I know she understands. I go over to her and start nibbling on her neck and turn her around and kiss her. She slaps me away playfully,
"Mark, I'm cooking."
"Yeah, I know," I chase her around our little kitchen. "I love you Maureen. I'm declaring today, MARK AND MAUREEN DAY." I wave my hand over our faces to a pretend sign. "Just you and me baby, no interruptions."
"I can't pookie, I have to go work, and I'm meeting Joanne for lunch." She serves me my French toast. "Later though, I promise." She kisses me on top of the head. "Your just too sweet." I smile at her in between bites and try to conceal my disappointment.
After she leaves and I scoff down the rest of the French toast and then I take a long-the hot water-ran-out-so-it-was-damn-cold shower. I grab my camera and leave the loft. The first thing I do isI take a deep worry-free cleansing breath when I step outside. Then I start coughing. This is New York after all. I have no real agenda, but I have a few street shots I want to get for my film. I know the perfect place to set up, this little deli down the street from the loft. Roger and I went there often and the owner recognizes me. I'm sure he wouldn't mind me standing outside and shooting for a little while. I turn the corner and get to the deli, but it takes me until I am just outside before I realize the building is boarded up and abandoned. What on earth happened?
Suddenly, all of the fear and terror and stress of the past six months come rushing over me. I feel like I can not breath and my legs can not hold my weight. Everything around me is in slow motion and blurry I can feel my head pulse. I think I'm going to pass out. I silently scream for someone to help me, but no one even notices. Finally, after about 30 seconds of this feeling I am able to will my legs to move. I go right back to the loft. The feeling has passed, but I am still shaky. I make it back to the loft, and sit down. I take a few deep breaths. I have never felt anything like this before, and it scares me. I try to compose myself, and I get up a few times to leave, but I'm afraid that the feeling will come back. I decide to stay in and work on the script.
I sit down with my so-called masterpiece and stare at it. Out of the corner of my eye I notice Roger's guitar. It sits in the corner untouched. Abandoned for months. As Roger's addiction grew he had little drive for other things. He gave up so much, the band, songwriting, me. It is impossible for me to fathom the loyalty and devotion he had for heroin. Never trying it myself, I just don't understand. He never seemed like he was enjoying himself. Especially as time moved on. The Roger that I knew, the one always with some smart-ass remark, the one who tried to be so cool, but was just trying to hide his insecurity, he was gone. All that was left was a shell of a version of Roger, who after a while even stopped looking like him. He stopped caring about his appearance, so his usual short bleached hair had grown out, and he never shaved. I can't take my eyes off of the guitar.
I'm thrilled with the prospect of having Roger back. I can't wait to just hang out and cause trouble like we used to. It suddenly dawns on me that perhaps it will be different. How could it not be? He has been through so much this past year. And now, with his HIV diagnosis… I know Roger; he doesn't bounce back well.
The ringing phone brings me back from my thoughts.
SPEAK!
"Hey Mark! It's me, pick up the phone, I know you are up there!"
I recognize Collins deep voice instantly.
"Hey!"
"Mark, I'm downstairs!"
I run over to the window and sure enough there he is on the payphone at the corner. I open the window, "I'll throw down the key," and I drop it and I watch him catch it.
I start to get excited; there is no such thing as a boring day when Collins is around. I open the door and meet him in the stairwell and he runs up picks me up and starts spinning me around.
"What on earth are you doing here?"
"Well, I couldn't stay in Cambridge while this is going on."
"How did you get here."
"Our good friends at Amtrak gave me a ride."
"I don't want to know, do I?"
"Oh it was a simple task of hiding in the bathroom and then hanging out in the dining cart." As he speaks I cover my eyes and shake my head. He is unbelievable.
"You're too much. I'm glad you're here, I missed you."
"Same here, unfortunately it has to be a short visit, I have a 10am class tomorrow."
"And how do you suppose to get home?""
"I am home, Mark."
"Let me rephrase then, how do you suppose to get back to Cambridge?"
"Same way." He sees the look on my face, "you worry too much! Ok, so where is our boy?"
"Manhattan Rehab Center, but he can't have any visitors."
"We'll see about that."
"No, Collins I mean it. They have a lot of rules."
"Mark, rules are made for one reason,"
"To be broken I know. But I'm serious; we have to let him do this on his own. He has to follow the rules or else they will kick him out."
"I came all this way, we'll be in and out in two minutes."
"Tom, no."
I never call him Tom. Never. I am trying to stress the importance. He looks at me while he decides to the push the issue.
"Collins, I want to see him too, just as badly, but we have to let him do this himself."
Collins nods in agreement and gives me a hug.
He puts his arm around me, "So, where is the queen diva?"
"Oh, she's working and having lunch with a friend."
"Working? Maureen?"
"Yeah, she is working as a nude model for a class at NYU. She gets paid to stand around naked, it's her perfect job." Collins laughs and says that since we are on our own; he would take me to lunch. "I thought you didn't have any money." He tells me to stop worrying.
We go into a McDonalds and get our food.
"So how are you?" Collins likes to put it out there.
I smile at him and thank him for asking. Usually I wouldn't talk about what is going on in my mind, but I know Collins, and he knows me. "Honestly Collins, I don't know how I am. This whole thing has drained me." I told him about what happened earlier today and he quickly diagnosed me with having a panic attack. He asks me if I had been taking care of myself and I shook my head. I told him about all the months of staying with Maureen and my daily trips to the loft. I rehashed all my sleepless nights and long days. It feels so good to get the words out of my body.
Collins wished that I would have called him, but he understands why I didn't. He had been home a month ago and saw Roger at his worst. He tried talking to him and seemed to get through, but soon after he left, April returned. Their conversation was soon forgotten. "Collins, we both know that there was nothing you or I could do."
He looks at me and takes my hand, "I could have been there for you."
My head drops and smiles. He really is a great friend. Then he begins with all the questions. "How are you and Maureen? How are you dealing with losing April? How's the film?" I answered each question with answers he was satisfied with.
Finally, we left McD's and I turn the questioning around. "How are you feeling? Is there anyone special in your life. How is your plan on taking over the world coming?" We spent the afternoon wandering the streets, watching street performers, and just enjoying each other. I feel at ease for the first time in a long time.
Then Collins declares that Maureen; him and me need to go clubbing tonight. I protest but he tells me I need to "shake my groove thang." He shook his waste and waved his arms when he said those words. I couldn't help but laugh and concede.
We went to Maureen's to surprise her when she came home from work. She and Collins are great friends as well. He is the one who introduced us actually. I needed an actress for my film and he brought her. I was taken with her right away. We get there at five and wait and wait. "Well, she wasn't expecting us, but she did promise me to hang out."
Finally, at 7:00, after the two us ransacking her kitchen for food and Collins actually doing the dishes, Maureen bursts into the apartment. Collins quickly hides behind the kitchen counters so she won't see him. She is her usual melodramatic self, yelling something about how the kid at Starbucks is out to get her, and the subways were packed. I just stand there grinning at her; I'm the worst at keeping secrets. She keeps babbling on and finally stops and looks at me. "What Mark, what is it?"
"Uh, I think your sink is leaking again."
"What the fuck! The landlord said he… Oh My God! Collins!" He gets up and picks her up and swings her around the same way he did with me. She starts asking him all the same questions and he answers them again. I just sit back and laugh. Maureen definitely has her faults, but I really do love her, and admire her zest for life. Now that Roger is safe and getting better, I vow to devote more time to her, to us. I hear Collins tease her about being a stripper and she pretends to take offense and declares that she is helping young artists explore their talents.
I go up behind her and wrap my arms around her waste and nuzzle her neck. Collins tells her about his bright idea for tonight and she gets excited. She knows I loathe going to dance clubs, so the notion of getting me inside one sends her scurrying into her room to change.
Collins asks me how can I keep up with her. I often wonder that myself. Finally, after another hour she is ready to go. She does look good though. "Honey, you know what leather does to me." I start chasing her around the room and finally catch her and throw her on the couch. "Ok, you two, enough is enough." Collins jokes with me, then Maureen and I look at each other and simultaneously attack Collins and start to tickle him.
At last we get ourselves together and head out the door. We realize that it is way too soon to go to a club so we go to the park. While we are hanging out Collins buys us pretzels. Maureen tries to feed me a piece and drops in down my shirt, leaving behind a yellow mustard stain.
I go home really fast to change. I walk fast because I want to get back quickly, we are having so much fun, and I haven't laughed in forever. I bolt up the stairs skipping every other step and burst in the door. I head straight for my room and grab the first clean shirt I see. As I start to leave, I notice the red light on the machine.
Speak!
"Mark? It's me Roger. Are you there? Pick up the phone if you are…. I'm not supposed to be calling anyone, but Mark, I can't do this. I'm not going to make it. It hurts… I have to stop the hurt…. Oh, why aren't you at home? Mark, I'm sorry, I can't go through with this…"