Weeks have gone by, months actually, I don't know how many, they have all started to blend in together. Everyday is the same, the monotony is becoming second nature. Roger and I have the same conversation every morning.
"You got plans today?"
"Not really."
"We could use some food, if you feel like getting out for awhile."
"Yeah, maybe."
"Ok, I'm off to Maureen's… to film… or wherever I'm off too."
Then I leave. I have to, I can't stand to sit around the loft all day and watch him mope. He doesn't do anything, he doesn't call anyone. When he first came home people stopped by, his old friends, the ones who weren't wasted, to see how he was doing. But he was usually such a miserable prick that they never came back.
I stopped asking him to join me. He always says no, and when he wants to, he will leave. He keeps mumbling to me about leaving the city, but he won't even leave the apartment. He hasn't even picked up his guitar since he's been back. I called him on that one time and I was told to my mind my own fucking business.
It angers me, because he told me that when he was using, he wasn't really living and he isn't really living now. He hardly sleeps, just stays up all night and stares out the window. His only contact with outside life is me, and he has basically shut me out.
Today, I'm taking off to see Maureen. Things haven't been that great for us lately, and I don't know why. I have all this time trying to stay away from the loft, and just hang out with her, but she has seemed really distant. Each time I go near her to kiss or to nuzzle, she steps away, laughing it off, telling me I only have one thing on my mind.
I get to her place and knock and she isn't home. I go in and look around for signs as to where she may be. We were supposed to meet here at noon, I look at the clock, I'm on time, where is she? The picture of the two of us that Collins took is nowhere to be found. There is one still of Roger, April, me and her in a frame. I pick it up and look at it. It seems so long ago. Maureen and April were actually friends in high school, and when I started dating Maureen, it didn't take long for Roger and April to meet. The four of us had a lot of fun for a short time, but it changed really quick. April and I didn't get along, really from day one. I knew she was using before anyone else, I walked in on her shooting up by accident. When I went to tell Roger, he told me what he always tells me, to mind my own fucking business. We all stopped hanging out shortly after that. Maureen moved out, and April and Roger sunk into their haze and I ran back and forth between. I put the picture back onto the desk and open the drawer.
The blue notebook is still there. I hadn't allowed myself to look at since that day I found it. I would hate it if Maureen read my journal, if I kept one. Still, maybe it would help me figure out what is wrong in our relationship. I will just open it to a random page, read it and put it back. I pull the notebook from the drawer slowly, afraid to even touch it, to put fingerprints or a fold or anything else that would give me away. I open the cover slowly, as I look over my shoulder to make absolutely sure no one is watching me. Of course there is no one here. I open the pages randomly to the middle and again look over my shoulder and start to read.
August 7
My birthday, same old shit different year. Mark wanted to take me out to dinner and see a movie, but I really didn't feel like spending the whole night with him. I really wanted to go to that club with Joanne, but I know how hurt he would be. So I went, and yeah I guess it was fun. It just isn't the same anymore, I don't really know what has changed…
I suddenly hear a key turn in the door and I shove the notebook back into the drawer and close it quickly. I turn around and try and erase all expressions of guilt off my face.
"Maureen?"
"Hey, what are you doing?"
"Just waiting for you, " I flash her a smile and walk towards her and attempt to kiss her, but like always she darts away. "Something wrong?"
She pouts, "Nothing Pookie, why?"
"Nothing." I keep thinking to that diary entry, that was from August, it is now October, would she still rather be somewhere else than with me? "So what are you up for today?" I try and push the thought out of my mind.
"Oh I don't know, not really anything I guess. I have a new performance piece I'm working on, I really need to get some work done on it."
"Oh, well I could help you." I sit down on her couch, "What is it about?"
"Well, Joanne was telling me about these kids who come home to empty apartments because their parent's work… they call them…" Her faces scrunches as she tries and think of the word.
"Latchkey kids?"
"Yeah, that's right! Well, I thought I could do some sort of show or to entertain them after school."
"Well that is really noble, what do you have in mind?"
"Oh, I don't know, Joanne was going to help me with it, you don't really need to bother." Joanne, Joanne, Joanne, I am really starting to dislike this woman.
"But I want to, we always work on your performances."
"Eh, this one is different… but you will still be my production manager right?"
"Yeah of course, I'm the only one who knows how to use the equipment." My heart sinks as I try and hide my disappointment.
"Oh Pookie, it's ok, the next one we will do together, ok?"
I nod, "Well, I guess I'll let you get to work." I grab my coat and camera and head out the door. "Maureen, I love you."
She smiles back at me, "I'll call you later, ok?"
I mope back to the loft, trying to figure out what is going on with Maureen. I start walking up the starts and practically walk into Benny.
"Mark! Old buddy old pal! How are you?"
He offers me his hand and I shake it and he pulls me in for a hug. I think Benny may actually the one person I want to see less than the mysterious Joanne. "Hey Benny."
"Long time, no see amigo. How's it going?"
"Fine, fine." There really is no getting around this, we are trapped in the stairwell. "What are you doing here?"
"Oh, moving in a friend to the apartment downstairs from you." And as if on cue, a pretty Latina walks inside, carrying a few boxes. She walks past us, smiling at me. Yeah, a friend, I'm sure.
"Oh, well that's good, I'll let you get back to work then." I try and walk around him, but he steps in front of me.
"Mark, what's the hurry? Can you give us a hand?" Ugh, that is the last thing I want to do. As I stumble for an excuse, not really coming up for any, Roger comes to the door.
"Hey Mark, Maureen's on the phone, she sounds desperate."
"Roger! Buddy! How are you!" Benny flashes his smile up to Roger, but he just slams the door.
"Sorry, Benny, I got to go, I'm helping Maureen with a new performance today." Well, I hope I am now anyway. I run up the stairs, happy to get away from him. When I get to the top landing, just as I see the girl walking out of the apartment, and Benny grabbing her by the waist and kissing her, I yell, "Say hi to Alison for me, ok?" I walk into the loft hearing "Who's Alison?" in the background.
"Thanks, Roger, you saved me."
He just shrugs and I go over to the phone.
"Maureen?"
"What the hell do you think you were doing?"
"What? What are you talking about?"
"Ok then, when you were in my apartment today, did you happen to go near my desk?" Oh shit, nailed. I close my eyes as I fall into the closest chair.
"No, I mean yeah, I did. I'm sorry."
"How dare you! How dare you invade my personal thoughts?" Her voice rises, both in tone and volume. Maureen has a tendency to be a drama queen, but in this case, I think she has every right to be.
"I didn't read anything, a couple of sentences, enough to figure out it was a journal." A little lie, but I have to make myself sound better.
"Why did you have to know what it was in the first place?"
"I.. I don't know.. .oh God Maureen, I'm sorry!"
"Well, I hope you found out what you wanted to!" She slams down the phone and a dialtone remains in my ear. I quickly dial her back, but she just picks up the phone and hangs it up again. "Shit." I try again, this time to get a busy signal. I hide my face in my hands, "Shit, I messed up."
"Couldn't mind your own fucking business, could you?" Roger's voice interrupts my thoughts. I practically forgot he was there. "I've been telling you for years, you need to mind your own business."
"I… I…" I have no excuse. "I know, you're right."
He walks over to me and pats my shoulder, "Reading your girlfriend's journal, smart move, really." Sitting down next to me he adds, "Find out anything."
"No, just that she didn't want to spend her birthday with me. She wanted to go to some club with Joanne."
"Who's Joanne?"
"Some friend of hers that she has been spending a lot of time with. She's a lawyer or something. I've never met her." I put my head down on the table. "She is never going to forgive me for this, is she?"
"Man, I don't know, but if I ever catch you going through my stuff, I'll kick the shit out of you."
"Yeah, thanks Roger for your support."