Donnatella's Diary
Disclaimer: The West Wing is not mine. The show in all of its wonderfulness is Aaron Sorkin's and John Wells' and NBC's. Lucky bastards. I am making absolutely no profit from this either. I repeat, lucky bastards. I also don't own Bridget Jones' Diary or Bridget Jones: the Edge of Reason. They're both written by Helen Fielding and published by Penguin Books.
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Author's Note: I'm a big fan of the Bridget books and now that the movie's come out- a fan of that too (Colin Firth-oooh ) Couldn't help but think about another love-lorn lady of fiction, television fiction, that is, who is smitten with her boss. Josh N' Donna, Josh N' Donna- aren't they the greatest? By the way, the whole 3rd Generation cell phone issue is a real thing- heard it on NPR.
Sunday, April 5. 8:37 pm. Diaries purchased 1. Chapters of history book read 0.
Hurrah! Have finally done it! Went out and bought nice leather bound notebook this morning. I am now a diarist. Can go on my resume: assistant to Joshua Lyman, the self titled Deputy-Deputy Chief of Staff and diarist. Feel marvelous. Am veritable Bridget Jones.
Except am not British.
And am naturally thin (wonderful genes, thank you very much).
And do not smoke.
But am now a diarist. Could maybe get it published and be famous like Anais Nin, but much less kinky. Will that effect sales? Doesn't matter- will be literary great and will finally be able to move out of hole-in-the-wall apartment with crazy roommate and cats.
Or at least I will be able to upgrade to a cat-free apartment.
Speaking of crazy roommate, Candi ("With an I'? Does she know Sam's friend Laurie?") has gone out again with some guy named Chad. Third night in a row. She generally doesn't come back until the afternoon and then she goes out again, to continue the dinners and the dancing and the sex with Chad.
Leaving me here. Alone. With her cats.
I can foresee my death this way. Clawed to death by mutinying cats, angry that their mother never finds the time between boyfriends to feed them so they exact revenge by viciously slaughtering her roommate. And because Candi will be too busy with Chad or whoever the flavor of the week is, I probably won't be found until the smell begins to bother the neighbors.
My mother will make some comment, "Well, at least she died with clean underwear." And Josh will have to appoint a new Deputy- Deputy Chief of Staff, someone who qualifies for the auspicious post because they're willing to bring him coffee in the mornings.
Hate feeling like this. Should not feel this way. I am a diarist, goddammit! I should be content and metaphorical and have inner poise!
I should keep reading my history book so I can become a more well-rounded individual. And so I can annoy Josh tomorrow with bizarre historical truths.
Oooh- the X Files are on. Maybe Mulder will be back from being abducted. And maybe will take off his shirt. Hmmmmm
Monday, April 6. 8:41 am Number of times Josh has whined about coffee 4. Number of times have gotten him coffee today 0. Number of times have gotten him coffee ever 1. good reasons put forth by Josh to change this policy 0. Number of times fantasizing about whacking Josh upside the head with a file cabinet 47 (only reasonable).
Josh is being particularly cranky today. Believe he is hung over. Again. He is constantly whining about coffee. After he finally realized that I would not capitulate, he got himself a cup full all by himself, griping the entire time in a very loud voice so that I could hear. I have no sympathy. Especially after he started pestering me for refills.
"I am not a stewardess, Josh."
"Don-NA, pleeeeee-ase"
"No."
"Don-"
"No."
"D-"
"No, Josh. Get to work."
It is not my problem that he has this difficulty with coffee. From the bleary eyed look he gave me when he first walked in, I have to assume that he has no problem putting alcohol into a glass all by himself.
"But coffee is hot. I could burn myself. You could be responsible for the Deputy Chief of Staff suffering from a third degree burns."
"That's just the chance I'll have to take."
"How do you live with yourself?"
"It's very easy- I don't take up that much space and I always leave the seat down."
What he doesn't see is the beauty of this policy. I get my coffee, he gets his. It's the Great Leveler in the political. GAAAAAAAH!
8:53 am
Was Josh bellowing from his office. I swear to God, if he asks me about coffee I will have to strike him with something. Have to find a heavy book to carry in there as ammo. Yes, it's a pity to lose my famous restraint, but a gal can only take so much before 9 o'clock.
"DONNA!"
Yes, your highness-ness. Coming.
2:39 pm
Josh got fed the 3-g/ military problem by Leo this morning at staff. Then he was in an even worse mood. Not exactly a nice easy issue to start off the week with. But then, maybe he shouldn't make a habit of coming to work plastered and mocking Big Block O'Cheese Day. Cuz, believe it or not, Leo adds these things up. And then he attacks. He's like a stealthy, stealth animal like they have on the Discovery channel and whose name I can never remember. But you know what I mean. You don't expect anything then it bites you in the ass. Similar concept.
Anyway, got to learn another reason why I dislike cell phones. Though still doesn't mean I wouldn't kill for the one Agent Scully carries.
"Basically, they're ready to declare war and the government is going to get caught in the crossfire," Josh explained. "The 1.6 miga-hertz broadcast frequency is a particularly powerful band of airspace that the military has been using for years. It works good through foliage and thin walls."
"Is there really a problem with sending messages through foliage?"
"Donna"
"Cuz that might be why my radio always gets static- it's right next to this potted plant that I have"
"Donna, maybe your radio just sucks. Can I go on here?"
Since he was having a hard day, I let him continue. We'll have a talk about his prejudices against certain radios later when he's a bit less frazzled.
"Basically, it's good for anything mobile. Not just good, the best. Which is why every cell phone company in the country is dying for the airspace."
"Can't they just share it?" I suggest. Not an unreasonable suggestion, I thought.
"No."
"Why? Hasn't the military learned how to share?"
"No."
"You should look into that, Josh. I mean, for the Defense Department to be unable to learn a basic tenet of kindergarten classes nationwide."
"Don-naaaaaaa. I am not going to lecture some of the most important generals of the nation in first grade ethics."
"Why not?"
"Cuz they could aim large missiles at my house. And the problem still would not solved. The Third Generation of cell phones basically wants a monopoly on that band for their new products that will allow people greater Internet access through their phones."
"Who wants to surf the net on a phone?" I mean, really.
"Apparently a lot of people do."
"Who?"
"I don't know. They did polls. People do."
"Has anyone seen this poll?"
"Well, I haven't."
"Then how do you know they're not making it up? Saying that a lot of people do so that they can get the space?"
"It's not the poll that has us in this jam. It's the money that they've sent to senators who in turn are viciously lobbying on their behalf."
"So basically, by the end of the day, we'll have alienated the military, Congress and big business?"
"Don't try to be funny. It won't cheer me up."
"Why can't the cell phones find their own frequency?"
"They're all taken. And not all bands are prime for mobility, like 1.6 is. The other one they might go after is the 2.5 Educational broadcast."
"So we might alienate the teachers' union as well?"
"Donna"
"Merely making a list for CJ of people she'll have to apologize to in tomorrow's briefing."
"Aren't you kind?"
"Yes I am, thank you for finally noticing."
"I noticed you NOT bringing me coffee this morning."
"Josh, I am not discussing this."
"*That* would have been a kind thing to do."
"Josh."
"Donna."
"Go to your meeting. Now."
Tuesday, April 7th. 9:00 am Number of times have practiced hacking cough 34. Number of times contemplated not going in to work today 3. Number of times thought about roommate in painful situations involving rabid dogs and piranhas 85.
Should not have come into work today. In fact, should not have even bothered to get up at all. Absolutely dread today. One of the many days I wish I had more of a backbone to yell at crazy roommate. Unfortunately, until I can find a better apartment and an better roommate, am stuck in living hell.
It all began last night. Candi and Chad had apparently had sex on every surface possible in his apartment and decided to try out Candi's bed last night. Which they did. Thoroughly. The banging of the headboard against the thin walls, plus their own inventive sound effects, would not stop. It was 2:30 in the morning and still it would not stop.
At that point, completely gave up any hope of getting any kind of sleep whatsoever so I went into the living room, got a pint of Ben and Jerry's, and ended up watching The Sound of Music.
As the Captain and Maria were dancing the Lendler, Candi finally emerged out from under Chad to get a drink of water. She decided to have a little chat with me, explaining how Chad has this friend named Walter and how nice it would be if we could all go out to dinner together. She and Chad want to bond with me. I figured if I had let her keep going she would eventually ask me to be her maid of honor (she was that stoned) so I gave in.
I hate being fixed up. I hate the fact that not only am I being placed into a coupling against my will, I have to be coupled with a good buddy of Chad's. And to be quite frank, I hate Chad. I hate the way his moaning kept me up all night. I hate how smugly superior he acted towards me this morning and I hate the fact that he ate all of my cereal in a munchies attack last night.
So I'm thinkin' that I'm going to hate Walter too. And before this day is out, Josh will know about Walter, make nasty comments about my lovelife and then Josh will be on my hate list.
Not a banner day in the life of Donnatella Moss.
Will tell Josh about leaving early now since he is hopefully in good mood before nasty meetings with cell phone senators today.
11:35 am
Was wrong. Josh in bad mood altogether. At least he didn't mention the coffee. Decide I'll break it to him before I leave for lunch.
5:59 pm
Okay, chickened out before lunch. But will definitely tell him now.
"Josh?"
"Donna, please tell me there is a crisis of national importance that needs my attention right now."
"There is a crisis of national importance that needs your attention right now."
"Really? Great. Then call Keely and tell him the meeting's off."
"I'm humoring you, Joshua."
"That's cruel. Very cruel. Could you at least pretend there's a crisis?"
"No."
"Then go away- I don't like you anymore."
"Crushed, really. Josh."
"Donna? Is the crisis back on?"
"No. And sticking your tongue out at me will not inspire me to help you."
"Hmph."
"Josh. I need to get out early today."
"Why?"
"I'm busy."
"So am I."
"I have plans."
"To do what?"
"To be somewhere else this evening. To eat food that's not from the mess."
"Oh. You have a date."
"Yeah. So can I have off?"
"What's his name?"
"Can I have off?"
"What's his name?"
"Can I have off?"
"Name first."
"No."
"Fine."
"Great. Thanks, Josh. The papers for the meeting are on your desk and your notes for tomorrow are on mine."
"I never said you could"
"Yes, you did."
"Noooo"
"Yes, there was a distinct Fine' uttered back there."
"Donna!"
"Joshua!"
He just kind of stood there in his office doorway, looking all childish and helpless. I felt sorry for him- he was having a rough week and it was only Tuesday. I wanted to scrap the entire dinner then and there.
There are times when I really hate my awful habit of keeping my promises.
"Have a nice time," he said, in not at all joking or bantering tones. It was that quiet, sweet voice that he uses only once in a blue moon.
It softens me. I know that. It happens every time. Little Miss Unrequited Melts at Boss' Puppy Dog Glance. Film at eleven.
"I can come back later- if you need me."
"I'll be fine. Just have fun, okay?"
I pause. Goddamn, why must be such an ass sometimes and then knock me for a loop with this kind crap!
As I am leaving, he turns as if to go back into his office.
"His name is Walter."
He turns, flashes me a weak smile, and goes to his desk, hard at work once more.
9:25 pm
Dinner was a disaster. Candi and Chad made goo-goo eyes at each other throughout the appetizer and finally excused themselves before the main course, probably to go have sex at my apartment. They had ordered already- leaving me and Walter to pay their bill. Strike number one.
Meanwhile, Walter was educating me on polymer glues. Yep. He was a painting conservator, who apparently specialized in adhesives. Why the hell anyone would want to know so much about epoxies is beyond me but Walter was a veritable dictionary on the subject and could talk of nothing else. Literally nothing else. Strike number two.
Walter seemed to mistake my glazed over boredom for wide-eyed admiration because in the parking lot he thought it would be a good idea to shove his tongue down my throat. Probably a move inspired by Chad. Obviously the man wasn't too bright if glue held so much fascination for him. Or maybe he simply had sniffed it way too much. Didn't matter -it was strike number three and I was getting the hell outta there.
So I went back to the West Wing, partly to see if Josh still needed anything and partly because I didn't want to return home to find Candi and Chad doing the nasty in my kitchen.
He's in his office. The light's on.
"Josh?"
"Donna. You're back."
"How was the meeting?"
"Painful. And continuing tomorrow. Didn't happen to hear of any national crises while at dinner, did you?"
"No, but I can tell you all about polymer bonding structure."
"I don't want to know," he muttered. He doesn't seem to realize that I can hear his muttering. I have very astute hearing. And I've found it a useful secret to keep from Josh.
"Do you need me for anything? I thought maybe there was something I could do- you know, to help with the meeting thing tomorrow?"
"Can you overthrow the government?"
"No."
"Can you bring me coffee?"
"No."
"Then I guess there's nothing you can do."
"Okay. Then I guess I'll be leaving then."
"The date went well?"
"No. Not at all."
"Is that a new dress?"
"No, I believe it will live in infamy as the Todd dress."
"You didn't return it?"
"I didn't return it."
"It's a nice dress."
"Yeah."
"Donna?" He stops me as I'm leaving. "He's not worth it. He's not worthy of you."
"How did you know?"
"No one is." And with another weak smile, he retreated back into his office.
10:46 pm
In apartment once more but still having trouble breathing. Josh gave me a compliment. Can't believe it. I am still distrusting my ears. Maybe Walter was packing glue and in epoxy haze, I only dreamt Josh's words, his sweet and sad look, the puppy dog face.
Am delusional, obsessive, hopeless romantic freak who is tortured by thoughts of her boss and her roommates' shrieks of "Chad!"
For some reason, I cannot help but think of the words of Baroness Schraeder: "There is nothing more irresistible to a man than a woman who's in love with him."
Doesn't he see it? By now? After all that we've been through?
Maybe irresistible effects will take place tomorrow. Until then, can only be hopeful that she was right. And convince Josh that one person is completely, totally and utterly worthy of me.
Him.