Flutter Part 4: Smile

by loveasthouwilt

The room was dark save the hot shine of my desk lamp onto an open science book, and the white glare of the computer monitor, both which dimmed the small glow of the moon through the window.

I was sitting with my elbows set on the desk, my face resting in my hands.

You know how you can read a few paragraphs from a given assignment, then realize that you weren't paying attention and have no idea what you just read?

The story of my life...

I wish I could show Mama that I really am doing the best I can. She told me I could stop being Osamu, so why is she so damned concerned about my grades? What did she think, that I would choose to continue being him after all?

After telling me I could be myself, she doesn't like who I am...?

What am I supposed to do?

I don't want to be that other person.

I have friends, now. I have fun.

I don't feel so alone...

But she doesn't care about any of that...

Sigh.

Yamato.

I miss him...

I've only been grounded for a few days... and I'm so lonely I can't stand myself.

Minomon is here, of course, and he's always here for a hug when I need it, but other than that he can't really help me, not this time.

And I need help...

It's so degrading ...

I can't ask for help...

I'm Ichijouji Ken. I'm not supposed to need help...!

I'm supposed to be smart enough to figure stuff out on my own. Especially schoolwork.

That Ken isn't me... yet I still feel him... and I'm still expected to be him...

I picked up the textbook and held it open-faced to my chest, one hand cradling the binder as I walked into the room where Mama and Papa were watching television.

"Mama?"

Both of them turned to look at me curiously.

"Could someone...help me..."

Humiliation. Self-disgust.

I'm such a failure.

Mama's face lit up and her eyes glittered with happy tears.

Yeah. Smile. Be happy your child admits to ignorance.

I looked away from her to prevent myself from glaring.

She brings out the Kaizer in me.

I hope I'm not starting to hate her...

"Sure, I'll help you, Ken," Papa said. I was happier to accept his help. I didn't really want to spend time with Mama.

He turned on the overhead light as we went back to my room--he doesn't like the dark as much as I do--and asked me about the subject.

As it turned out, he wasn't any more helpful with the assignment than I expected him to be.

But his enthusiastic willingness to help despite that was a great comfort.

"Whew, that was hard," he commented when we decided to put the textbook away. I was still sitting at the desk and he was standing next to me. "It's amazing that used to be easy for you!"

"Being the best was all I cared about then." I said solemnly.

As intended, he showed signs of guilt, sighing and looking away from me.

"I'd like to think that by loving someone other than... myself... that I've become a better person."

I shook my head sadly, "But Mama doesn't seem to see it that way...all she sees is..."

I didn't have to finish the sentence. He knew what I meant.

"Well, I'm glad you found a boyfriend," he said. "Admittedly surprised it's a boy, but if that's your thing, I'm happy for you." He ruffled my hair, "Get's your mind off serious things for a change."

I grinned and ran my hand through my hair in casual attempt to fix it. I felt a lot better knowing at least one of my parents approved. Since I have to live with them, after all.

And because I love them.

"I'll talk to your mother, okay."

I smiled and nodded. "Thank you."

Then he left my room... left me feeling more hopeful than ever.

For several days after that, Papa helped me with my assignments. After a while I started to catch on again and could do the work easily without much help. My soccer playing still left something to be desired, but I was just there to have fun, anyway.

The next time test grades were posted in the hall, the crowd parted for me--as it still did--and I checked the list. I was third! Third!

I couldn't wait to tell Papa!

After soccer practice I went straight home, as I was expected to. Mama was already there, of course. She had been watching me like a hawk for a week, especially since Papa had taken my side.

I sighed.

How long was I going to be grounded, anyway...?

I went to my room, where Minomon pointed out to me a note Mama had left on my desk.

-Hikari called-

I crumpled the note in my hand angrily.

Sure, Mama will tell me who calls if it's from a girl . She doesn't even know Hikari.

Oh well.

I went to the phone and dialed the number.

"Hello."

"Hikari?"

"Ken!" she squealed. "Oh, I'm so glad you called! Yamato and Taichi and Takeru have been trying to call you, but you never call back."

"Well, I am grounded, after all."

There was a short silence. "Why can you call me, then?"

"You're a girl." I said flatly.

Another silence. Then, "...Ooohh...!"

I rolled my eyes. Brilliant.

"Well," she continued. "we wanted to know if you could come over here to hang out tonight. Mom and Dad aren't here and they said we could invite some friends over as long as we kept the place clean. Taichi and I will be here, and Takeru and Daisuke...Iori, Miyako and Koushirou....Yamato..."

She emphasized that last name just to tease me... and it worked...

I miss him...

Yama..

I licked my lips. "What time?"

No answer.

"Hikari?"

"Huh?..oh...hold on." I could hear her leaving the phone. Then some indecipherable noises.

Then giggling...

Someone snatching up the phone...

"Hey, baby!"

My heart leapt...!

Yama!!

I almost said it out loud, which would have been disastrous since Mama was listening to the conversation.

And it was hard not to grin dreamily like some kind of giddy girl.

"Are you going to come over here?" he asked, as excited and carefree as usual.

"Well, I'm grounded, but I could ask." I glanced at Mama nervously.

"Is your mom there now?"

"Yes."

"Well, tell her to go away so we can talk dirty," he joked.

I grinned and hoped I wasn't blushing.

Seeing the smile on Mama's face quickly turned my amusement into anger. I hope I was blushing. That way Mama could have her little fantasy about Hikari and me.

"So how's school?" Yamato asked.

"Great!" I was excited to talk about my success. "Papa's been helping me and my grades have gotten a lot higher."

"That's great, Ken. Maybe you could help me with my homework sometime."

I smiled. "I'd like that..." Anything to be with you.

"Me too," he said softly. "I've missed you a lot..."

I've missed kissing you.

But I couldn't say that. Not with Mama there. So I said nothing.

"How are you planning on getting here?" he asked, breaking the thoughtful silence.

I sighed. "Easy," and I glanced in Mama's direction again.

Disappointingly easy.

"Then get your butt over here!!"

I grinned. "Okay."

"Bye, Ken!"

"Bye..."

Sigh.

I hung up the phone. "Mama, Hikari needs a study partner and wanted to know if I could come over and help her."

She smiled. "Sure, Ken. That sounds wonderful! Do you need a ride?"

I nodded. "Yes, actually."

Ugh... How easily she agrees to drop me off at some girl's house, any girl's house, with some slim, misguided hope that I'll see something in her that I don't see in Yamato.

Oh well.

Just under a half-hour later, I arrived at Hikari's apartment and Taichi let me in.

I spotted Yamato immediately and smiled shyly at him.

Everything within me wanted to launch at him ... and I smile shyly...

I'm so pathetic.

He left his conversation with Koushirou and Miyako to greet me, pulling me into a hug.

I squeezed my eyes shut and breathed in the smell of his hair, my hands clenching his back.

He's so warm...

God, I've missed him.

Suddenly remembering that we were in the presence of others, I pulled away, blushing.

Then Hikari came up and hugged me, but then frowned playfully. "What, no 'Thank You' for rescuing you?"

I smiled at her. "Thanks, Hikari. I owe you one." And with that, she went off to flirt with Koushirou, despite the flirting already going on between him and Miyako. Takeru, Daisuke and Iori hadn't arrived yet.

Yamato, Taichi and I went to sit on the couch, me in the middle.

Yama's fingers threaded between mine.

"We went to the studio today to record a few songs," He said as we sat down, referring to his band. "If we're lucky we'll get a spot on the air in a few days."

"Do you write the songs?" I asked curiously. I don't know anything about the music business... but it's important to him, so I'm interested.

He rubbed the back of his neck, "Yeah, most of them." Then he grinned slyly. "Taichi writes the really sappy stuff!"

I glanced at Taichi, wondering if his friendship with Yamato was something threatening...

"Yeah, but you don't sing those..." Taichi said, faking disappointment.

"Well, maybe I'll start," Yamato replied, smiling at me.

That smile I would die for.

"He's a damn good kisser, too, ne?" Taichi said, elbowing me. Yamato blushed frantically.

Very threatened...!!

My eyes widened, "What?!"

"I... uh.. told you... I used to flirt with him..." Yamato explained to me with much embarrassment, though still grinning. "The kiss... pretty much ended it..."

I didn't want to know any more of this story...!

Always a battle between these two to outdo the other... and I now caught in the middle.

Seeing how uncomfortable this conversation had made me, Yamato scooted right up against me and breathed into my ear, "I'm glad he turned me down..." then he licked my earlobe, sending a cold shiver up my back.

"Hey, none of that!" Miyako said from across the room. "If I don't have a boyfriend to make out with, you two can't with yours either!"

Yamato grinned and squeezed my thigh, "She's just mad 'cause I got you."

"I heard that!"

But we were close enough now that we were really eager...

Taichi gave us permission to use his room.

Thank God!

Yamato's hand slid into my hair and he kissed me passionately.

I've missed him.

I've missed him so much...

I took a step back, pulling him with me towards the nearest bed, but when we got to it I manipulated him to end up on his back.

He smiled up at me... that gorgeous smile... blonde hair feathered all around his face...

I wondered if he had ever imagined himself under Taichi in this bed.

That thought was interrupted by him pulling me down, kissing me.

I suppose I wasn't being fair... After all, I've imagined myself under Daisuke countless times... as well as on top...

Though not recently.

Yamato.

Only Yamato.

I repositioned myself to lie on him easier, continuing our kiss and wrapping my arms about his shoulders

I had never been on top before, so I just started experimenting, kissing a trail up the slope of his neck.

Catching a grin on his face, and knowing how ticklish he is, I fluttered my tongue against the skin behind his ear.

"Ken!" he gasped, hugging me tightly.

"Shh..!" I hissed half-heartedly between giggles.

"Tickling's not fair," he pouted playfully, sliding his hands up the back of by shirt.

"Sure, it is!" I assured him, toying with his hair, feeling his chest press against mine as he breathed.

His eyebrows raised mischievously, "Oh, is that right?"

I licked my lips, "Yes, but only when I do it."

He reached up to tuck dark hair behind my ear, then cupped his hand around the back of my skull and pulled me into another kiss.

He tasted wonderful...

He pressed up against me, signaling for me to roll over so he could be on top, which I cheerfully obliged.

But instead of embracing me desperately like I expected, he surprised me with slow, tender kisses, the kind where our lips just barely touched and just barely parted.

"I love you," he whispered between kisses.

I smiled and he stopped to smile back, looking down at me with crystal blue eyes..

And I tickled him...

"Ahhh!" He yelled and rolled away from me. I moved to kneel over him, continuing my attack and he continued to yell and defend himself playfully until there was banging on the door.

"Courteousy. Please!" Came Miyako's angry voice.

I blushed.

Like I was bold enough to do whatever they thought we were doing!

Yamato sat up, wrapping an arm around my waist and kissing me, those slow kisses again, each time his tongue only briefly meeting mine before retreating back into his mouth.

My whole body tingled with the thrill of his tenderness.

My Yama.

My love.

The door opened and Takeru was standing there with his hands on his hips.

"Are you two going to be social with anyone except each other?" He asked with a grin.

Sigh.

Yamato kissed me on the cheek before climbing off the bed. When we left the room, I was behind Takeru and Yama was behind me.

I spotted Iori, but there was still another missing.

My best friend.

"Where's Daisuke?" I asked Takeru as Yama wrapped his arms around me from behind, his cheek pressed against my ear.

"His parents wouldn't let him come," Takeru explained disappointedly. "I don't think they want him to hang around you, Ken."

I cringed sadly.

Not Daisuke....

No wonder he never tries to call anymore...

It just one thing after another...

I'm not going to let this ruin the night, though...

I spent much of the time taking note of my friends' reactions to my relationship with Yamato. Takeru, Hikari, and Taichi were obviously not bothered at all by it, though Miyako and Iori noticeably were.

Iori's always been nervous around me so this just made it worse. He quietly avoided me like he always does. No big loss.

Miyako's disapproval was much more verbal. She threw a tantrum every time Yama and I got too close... just told us to back off.

It was annoying, but that's Miyako, so whatever.

I'm surprised she even noticed us, as busy as she was fighting with Hikari over Koushirou, who just grinned amusedly the whole time.

At one point, the phone rang and Taichi answered it. "Oh, hello Daisuke"

I snapped to attention.

"Ken's here," Taichi continued, "Do ya want to talk to him?"

I left Yamato on the couch and walked toward the phone, but Taichi never handed it over...

"Uh huh," he was saying. "Oh.....uh... okay...Okay, I'll tell him....Bye."

Then he hung up...!

Taichi sighed. "I don't think it's just Daisuke's parents ... that didn't want him to come..."

"What!? But...?" I was stuttering. "He...He was fine with it last week when I talked to him!" I looked at Takeru, "Wasn't he?"

"Yeah, but," Takeru shook his head, "I think he was really shaken. You two were really close... It probably freaked him out."

"It's not like I tried to kiss him." I said angrily.

Not that I hadn't played that in my mind before...

...I think things like that and expect Yamato not to think of Taichi...

I wonder if a part of us will always fantasize about that first unobtainable love...

Shit, no wonder Daisuke's freaked out...

"...Then, why did he call?" I said, trying to change the subject.

"Your mom doesn't know this number so she had Daisuke call. She's on her way to come get you."

I turned around and looked longingly at Yamato.

He came around the couch and took my hands in his.

Miyako wrinkled her nose and looked away.

Little things like that...hurt... I can't ignore it...

I've tried so hard to gain their trust and approval, and now to lose them over this?

Over love...?

It's not fair!!

Yama squeezed my hands, trying to cheer me up a little.

...sometimes I wish he would just be sad with me.

I wanted him to hold me... and he couldn't even do that, in the name of 'courteousy.'

It might be weeks before I get to see him again...

I want him to hold me...

Having thus made everyone very uncomfortable, I left to go back to Taichi's room and sat on the edge of the bed. At least if I wasn't in the same room with them, they could pretend this problem doesn't exist for a while.

A surprisingly long minute later, Yama joined me. He kneeled down in front of me resting his arms in my lap and looking up at me thoughtfully.

Sigh.

He's gorgeous.

I threaded my fingers into his hair absently and he closed his eyes, leaning into my hand.

'I love you' simply doesn't describe...

Then he sighed and looked away sadly.

"What's wrong?" I asked. I didn't like to see him looking sad... not my cheerful Yama...

"Ken... do you ever wish... I had just kept my mouth shut and not dragged you into all this?"

"No!" I responded immediately. What was he thinking?!

He sighed. "I just... feel responsible... I was never as close to the original Chosen as you are to your friends. I should have been more considerate..."

"Yama..." I tried to catch his eyes but he wouldn't face me.

"Yama, I love you. No matter what happens, I love you and I won't regret anything..."

He shook his head, "I know you think you mean that..."

He started to push away from me, but I grabbed him by the arms. "Don't...!"

Frowning, he looked up at me.

"Please," I begged, "just kiss me."

Slowly, the smile returned to his face and he pushed up close enough for our lips to meet.

Hikari chose that moment to knock on the door and remind me that Mama would be showing up soon and that I should go downstairs to wait for her.

Yama ignored her completely, pressing me back into the bed with a sweet kiss and nibbling my lip.

I tried telling him that I should go, but he kept cutting me off by grinning and kissing me. Then I started giggling between his kisses and couldn't talk anyway.

He loves to play. It's so cute.

But I really needed to go... I didn't want to... but I really did need to.

So I tickled him to get his attention.

"Okay, okay," he gasped.

So, after one last kiss, I left the apartment, accompanied by Hikari. Mama expected me to have been with Hikari this whole time, after all.

Not much was said between us. Except I thanked her again for helping me get out of the house.

She closed her eyes and smiled. "You're welcome."

She's really sweet. I can see why Daisuke likes her...

About ten minutes later, Mama stopped in front of the building, waiting for me. I climbed into the front seat and waved bye to Hikari.

The drive home started out surprisingly quiet. I had expected Mama to want to know all kinds of things about Hikari, to check and see if I had shown any interest in her. Or at least to know if I had been any help to her.

I didn't know she was building up her courage to ask something entirely different.

"Ken..." she started, deliberately keeping her eyes ahead of her and not even glancing at me, "your father and I have been talking..."

My heart raced anxiously. Had Papa broken through the ice?

"...We were thinking... that you could invite Yamato to dinner... so we could meet him..."

Meet him! She wanted to meet him!

"Okay, Mama," I said flatly, hiding my excitement.

She was giving him a chance!

Surely...Surely after meeting him she would agree how wonderful he is.

She just has to...!

Because he is wonderful...

I gazed out the window and smiled. "You'll love him too," I said, "I just know it..."

She sighed defeatedly and kept watching the road.

She doesn't want to... but she will...

She just has to...

to be continued