EXT. BRIGHT WHITE PLACE - CONT'D
NICOLE sits and stares at Satan.
NICOLE
But...if you already knew what it was,
why did you ask?
SATAN
I asked you to see if you knew what
it was. You know -- kinda like how
a psychiatrist will ask you what day of the
week it is. But it'd be fruitless for me
to ask you that, since days of the week
don't exist here. Time is what I make of
it.
(pauses)
As for your birthday, it's just a technicality.
NICOLE
Um...O.K. I can accept that. I...I can also
accept that I probably belong here.
SATAN
I know you do, baby, but this is Hell. There's
still procedure. There's still paperwork.
Someone taps Nicole on the shoulder and she turns.
CALVIN KRUPPS
Excuse me, Miss -- I believe
I've got the next number.
He smiles as he holds up a stubby v-shaped scrap of paper with the number "12" on it. Nicole notices that he too is dressed in all white -- all white suit, shirt, tie, shoes -- as he starts to walk around her.
NICOLE
V.P. Krupps? What're you doing here?
KRUPPS
Well, you know what the right wing
Christians say...there's a special place
Hell for people like me.
NICOLE
Wait...you're g --
KRUPPS
A Democrat?
(smiles)
Yes, I am.
Nicole watches as Krupps walks through the whiteness behind Satan's chair and disappears, seemingly sucked into the spongy whiteness as it bounces back out after he's entered.
SATAN
I put a rush on his paperwork.
(pauses)
Besides, he's here to stay.
NICOLE
Wait, you mean --
SATAN
Yup. I got lucky at your prom. It
would've taken forever if I waited
for the tanning beds to take him.
NICOLE
My prom? What prom?
SATAN
Silly, silly senile me...I always forget.
You don't remember your junior prom,
do you?
He looks as she shakes her head.
SATAN (cont'd)
Don't worry about it. There's always
a laytime with the memory thing.
(pauses)
Tell me...what's the last thing you do
remember?
NICOLE
I remember...filing my nails...getting my
Glamazon uniform ready for the next day...falling
asleep to a really bad movie on Cinemax --
SATAN
That's good enough. You'll remember
everything in all due time.
NICOLE
But what happened? How did I get here?
SATAN
All in due time, my dear.
Nicole watches as he flips through her packet.
NICOLE
I didn't know Hell was so cold.
SATAN
Heater's busted. Hasn't been working in...well,
in an eternity.
NICOLE
So everything everyone's said about Hell is
wrong?
SATAN
(chuckles)
Not everything.
He closes her packet and puffs on his cigar.
SATAN (cont'd)
Look, I hate paperwork as much as the next
guy. What say I just take you on that little
tour right now...to sate your irritating curiosity?
Nicole hesitates.
NICOLE
Am I irritating?
(pauses)
I'm sor --
SATAN
Don't, Nicole. It's not in your nature.
In a split second, he's moved from sitting behind the desk to leaning against it right in front of her.
SATAN (cont'd)
You lived your life with no apologies.
NICOLE
True.
(pauses)
I mean...why start now?
SATAN
(chuckles)
That's the spirit.
He hooks his arm.
SATAN (cont'd)
Come. We can finish your intake later.
Let me show you what's in store for your...
unapologetic afterlife.
Nicole hesitantly rises and takes his arm as he grins. He snaps his fingers & all of a sudden they're transported to
INT. HELL - REC ROOM
where it's a mixture of reds and pinks -- looks like a large, fancy romp room replete with bearskin rugs, feathers, animal print patterns and gold lamé...there's a long, fully stocked bar towards the wall. Satan is now dressed in an expensive red smoking jacket with black trim. Nicole is still dressed in white, but has a giant "Hi, My Name is NICOLE" sticker on her robe. Satan walks her towards the bar.
SATAN
You like? I cleared it out just for you, baby.
NICOLE
Um...I guess. I've never been much
of a barfly.
SATAN
But you do drink, don't you?
NICOLE
Mm, no -- too many useless calories
turned into fat.
He crooks his eyebrow.
NICOLE (cont'd)
O.k., yeah, but what teenager doesn't?
SATAN
You'd be surprised.
(pauses)
Your friend Mary Cherry's never touched
a drop in her life.
NICOLE
Yeah, well, she's never touched much
reality, either.
SATAN
True. So true. Wish I could get to know
her, but it's so hard to --
He stops himself.
NICOLE
What?
SATAN
Nuthin' baby, just wishful thinkin' on my part.
He snaps his fingers and suddenly an extremely handsome bartender appears behind the bar.
BARTENDER
The usual, Sir?
SATAN
Yeah, and gimme a shot of the
special for my lady friend.
He makes himself comfortable at the bar as Nicole watches the hot bartender pour the drinks.
BARTENDER
(slides Nicole's drink to her)
One up, Miss Nicole. Enjoy.
He winks at her and she licks her lips at his gorgeous body. Satan snaps his fingers and the bartender disappears.
SATAN
There's plenty more where he came
from, honey. Drink up.
Nicole brings it to her lips.
NICOLE
What's in this?
SATAN
It's my special reserve.
She sips a little, then sips it down -- it's ultimately delectible.
NICOLE
Mm, God, it's --
SATAN
Heavenly? Yeah...I brought it down with
me a long...long time ago. The angels
around here call it Bottled Orgasm.
NICOLE
There are angels in Hell?
SATAN
You never read your Bible, huh.
NICOLE
I fell asleep the two times I went to church.
SATAN
Better that way anyway. Sitting through
a white man's sorry interpretation of good
and evil is no way to learn about my
history. Though TBN makes for great
entertainment...especially when they...
He starts to laugh.
SATAN (cont'd)
...when they pledge that God will make your
debts go away if you pledge what little money
you have left to them.
He snorts and composes himself.
SATAN (cont'd)
Sorry, honey...hypocrisy just gets me so
giddy sometimes. I just have to laugh. I
love laughing at losers.
NICOLE
Ooh, yes. Proud to say I've had my share of
that.
SATAN
Oh, don't I know you have. And just think...
if you stay...you can do it to your heartless
content.
NICOLE
"If" I stay? I thought being on this tour was
a prerequisite to permanence.
Satan hedges.
SATAN
Well...yes, no and maybe, baby.
(pauses)
You ain't dead yet...but I figured that I'd
step in and give you a little taste of what's
waiting for you on the other side...when
you do kick it.
NICOLE
Why now?
SATAN
Look, stop asking so many questions. You
down with all this or what?
NICOLE
I...I don't know. I mean, I think I belong
here...
so far, so good.
SATAN
I knew the bar scene wasn't your gig, but...hell,
even I need to take a break from the desk
every once in a while. I don't normally give the
tours...I have my guides for that. But you...you're
a special one. You deserve more than the group
discounted walk behind the velvet ropes.
(pauses)
How 'bout I treat you to something...say...more
suited to your tastes?
An edited version of The Eurhythmic's "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)" starts to play on the soundtrack. Satan grins as he snaps his fingers and they are transported to
INT. HELL - NICOLE'S SPECIAL HEAVEN
FOCUS: NICOLE'S FACE as the chair she sits in spins around. The atmosphere is lighter -- a light bluish grey, very dreamlike. She stares at the camera as gorgeous male hair and makeup attendants tend to her appearance (synchronize the changes with the beats of the song) --
"Some of them want to use you..."
FLASH: Nicole's hair is a black and styled. It looks good!
"Some of them want to get used by you..."
FLASH: Nicole's hair is a light brown and styled. Again, it looks good.
"Some of them want to abuse you..."
FLASH: Nicole's hair is a gorgeous red, a little wavier than normal, but it looks fabulous -- very Annie Lennox. He makeup is slightly changed, but for the better...she looks awesome as a redhead.
"Some of them want to be abused..."
SWITCH FOCUS: FLASH: Manicurists attend to her nails and splash on the paint. One of men holding her hand blows her nails dry in a flash and winks at her.
FOCUS: NICOLE'S FACE as she looks at her nails approvingly and mouths to Lennox's seductive crooning as she looks into the camera.
FLASH: FULL BODY SHOT of a red-headed Nicole as she stands in a suit, black gloves and riding crop. Her outfit changes several times from conservative to slutty to period costuming to something fabulously Nicole -- a low-cut black dress cuffed with black feathers and sexy split front. Several buff, scantily clad men surround her, doting on her every whim from diamonds to champagne. One of them lights her cigarette, which rests at the end of a long, elegant cigarette holder. CUT TO: The same Nicole reclining on an elegant couch as one of her buff bods holds her can of Ensure as she sips from a straw. Another buff bod dabs the corner of her mouth with a soft cloth. Satan's voice booms over the music.
SATAN (O.S.)
Hell is everything you want, everything you need,
baby. Nail specialists on call 24-7 for those
lovely French tips...style consultants ready to flip
your outfit in seconds according to the latest Italian
trends...not to mention the stallions at your feet
for every bodily pleasure you've never even dreamed
of...isn't it nice?
NICOLE
(caressing one of the men's hard muscles)
Mmm, yes...
All of a sudden, the music STOPS and Nicole is transported BACK to
EXT. BRIGHT WHITE PLACE
where Satan sits behind the desk again. Nicole looks down and touches her hair -- it's back to the way it was before, as is her outfit and the atmosphere. She smiles enthusiastically.
NICOLE
Bring...it...on.
SATAN
Whoa whoa, there...still got this
paperwork, baby...'member?
NICOLE
Just show me where the dotted
line is and gimme a pen --
SATAN
If it were that easy, you'd already
be sippin' your Ensure. Now...
He pages through the documents.
SATAN (cont'd)
...rules are rules, even in Hell.
NICOLE
From what I've seen, this isn't Hell, it's --
SATAN
Heaven? Yeah, well...I try. Now then...
blah blah blah, oh -- man, I wish I could
get around this, but I have to go over
some of this with you, especially your
Deadly Sins.
NICOLE
Yeah, hi -- I've lost count of how many
times I've seen Gwenny in Se7en, but I
can assure you that I'm guilty of all charges.
Sign me up. Now.
SATAN
Demanding little one, aren't you?
He tosses her a box of gum.
SATAN (cont'd)
Have some sugar free Chiclets while I
do this.
He puts his reading glasses on and clears his throat as he reads from the page.
SATAN (cont'd)
I told you...you must face your Big Ass.
NICOLE
Excuse me? My ass is a hell of alot
smaller than it was before -- I can fit
into a size 1, thank you.
SATAN
No, no -- not your lucious pumptrunk,
baby. Your "Affirmation of the Seven Sins".
We call it the Big Ass around here...it's the
last thing we go over before you sign.
(finds the section in the document)
Ah, here it is.
Nicole cocks her head in question.
SATAN (cont'd)
Let's see...mmm, the sin from which all others
arise: Pride. Or vanity, whatever
you wanna call it.
NICOLE
I've got that down in spades.
SATAN
(checks it off)
Don't I know it. Next there's envy...heh.
You
sure were envious of your friend Brooke's
position as the head of the Glamazons, weren't
you?
NICOLE
Next to Brookie's flawless complexion and size negative
2, it's one of the things I really wanted, yes.
SATAN
Mm. You also wanted to be the most popular
girl in school...a position also held by "Brookie",
correct?
NICOLE
Mmhm. Moving on.
SATAN
(checks it off)
Oooooookaaaay...gluttony.
NICOLE
As you can see, I gave up my penchant for
Pay Days and pork rinds a long time ago.
SATAN
It doesn't necessarily have anything to do
with food, which I've seen you hock up
into the Novak's toilets more times than I
care to recount. You can consume other
things...like clothes, shoes...lip gloss.
NICOLE
What can I say? I'm a glutton for moist
lips.
She cocks her head -- Satan stares at her for a second, then checks off the box.
SATAN
Lust --
NICOLE
I'm batting a thousand, aren't I?
SATAN
Well, this one runs a little off to the right n'
foul, doesn't it?
Nicole's expression fades.
SATAN (cont'd)
You need to remember who you're talking
to, darlin' Nikki. I see and hear every little
fait a complis...or incomplis.
(pauses)
But I'll give you that one anyway. You've
had enough lustful experiences to qualify.
NICOLE
Thank you.
SATAN
Anger...or wrath. Don't even think I need
to ask you about that one. Greed -- oh
baby, you sure do know how to work that
Amex, don't you?
NICOLE
I prefer cash up front.
SATAN
I know. You've taken money and gifts from
everyone in the past year, from Samantha
McPherson to Carmen Ferrara.
NICOLE
So what? Spam was paying me to work my evil
magic on her mother's wedding and Carmen --
SATAN
Carmen thought you had no money...when you
damned well knew that you did.
Nicole swallows.
NICOLE
So?
SATAN
So...? I wasn't complainin'.
He checks off the box.
NICOLE
Oh.
(pauses)
Go on.
SATAN
Seventh and final sin...sloth.
He furrows his brow.
SATAN (cont'd)
Hmm.
NICOLE
What? What's wrong?
SATAN
We might've hit a snag.
NICOLE
What?
SATAN
(sighs)
Sloth is the avoidance of physical and
or spiritual work...and as I read on, it
looks like your religious evening
workouts at the gym disqualifies you on
this one. I can't process this without your
complete guilt.
(pauses)
Man. So close.
He puts out his cigar and the burning end of it hisses.
NICOLE
Won't six out of seven do?
SATAN
That ain't the way it works, baby...down
here, it's all or nothing.
He starts to close the packet as Nicole starts to panic.
NICOLE
Wait, wait! I'm lazy! I know I am! I
make people
get things for me all the time when they're in reach,
I've never pumped my own gas, I never pick up my
own dry cleaning -- I'm even too lazy to count out
the coins when I know I can pay with exact change!
SATAN
Yeah, but everyone does that these days.
NICOLE
Whatever -- please, I just know that this is where I
belong, this is where I want to be for all eternity...
isn't there anything you can do?
She hops up on the desk and leans to him, pushing her cleavage out and putting on her bedroom eyes.
NICOLE (cont'd)
(seductive)
Or is there anything I can do for you?
SATAN
(chuckles)
Girl, I've got to give you credit for having the balls
to try n' seduce me...me, of all people.
He sighs and gently pushes her off the desk. She retakes her seat and he flips back to the page of sins.
SATAN (cont'd)
O.k., look...I wouldn't do this for just anyone, but
since you're so eager...I'll just scribble in a comment
or two and let it slide.
(pauses)
I could use a hot young mama like you down here.
He starts to scribble as Nicole's face lights up. He turns the paper around and holds out the fountain pen -- he pulls it back just as she reaches for it.
SATAN (cont'd)
You sure you wanna do this now?
NICOLE
Positive. Give me that pen.
A LOUD, THUNDER-LIKE CRACK rumbles though the brightness.
SATAN
Oh, sh --
GOD (O.S.)
Don't you dare sign that, Nicole.
Nicole and Satan's heads turn to see GOD walking towards them.
GOD
Well...looks like I've arrived just in time.
She smiles at an awestruck Nicole.
END OF ACT 1