Note: this is actually my revised chapter 6. my original chapter 6 was too dark, and I was getting carried away. But in case you're wondering what the first 6 was like, please let me know and I will e-,mail it t you.
" we are slaves to the crimes we commit
in fits of passion
we shame."
- Cynthia Alexander
Interlude:
I'm disease. Pagan thought.
she looked up from the black of her coffee to zoe. " I didn't even get to tell him goodbye."
6.
"pagan."
David Jacobs did not hesitate to embrace a long lost friend, especially one that until now, he thought had died. " come in," he said, ushering her inside the small but neat apartment. Everybody had already gone to sleep, except les, who even asked pagan if zoe was with her.
" sorry to be dissappointin, but zoe went her own way, and I went mine, but tell ya what, I'll let her know yah asked." Pagan told les, as she laid down her heavy pack on a chair. Les blushed and retreated to bed. To david, pagan commented, " he's so tall now."
David had to laugh. " yeah, but it's still same ol' les."
They knew they had serious matters to talk about, years worth of news, so they went to the fire escape.
" so, how have you been?" david asked.
" a lot better," pagan said, thinking about how she should start explaining herself and why she just suddenly disappeared. But she couldn't yet, so she decided to wait until david asked the next question and she would take it from there.
He didn't waste any time. " we thought you died, you know."
Pagan nodded. " davy, " she began, swallowing. " I need yah help. This is why I came tah you foist. You'd know what I should do."
" we'll figure something out," david said. This was about jack, of course. It couldn't have been anything else. " why'd yah leave, pag'?"
" I was so messed up, davy," pagan said. " none of the udda guys knew it, well, skittery did, but..." she trailed off, and pulling up the sleeves of her shirt, revealed
ugly bruises on her inner arm, like somebody had brutally stuck needles into her. " this was why."
David couldn't take his eyes off her arm. Then, remembering the time skittery, spot and pagan had brought him along one of their "trips", david wondered why he didn't see it coming.
" it was hard, davy," she began. "trying to stop. When I escaped from the hospital I thought I could do things on my own. Thought if I just woiked real hard, the pain would go away. Then I became a newsie and I was good at it, but all that walking was just a way to get me to stop thinking about taking a hit. But during the night...it just sometimes got too hard...I wouldn't be able to go to sleep cause I wanted a hit real bad."
david listened carefully and he hoped without prejudice.
" the only thing that made me stop wanting to was thinkin' about jack. "
"keep going," david said.
Pagan sighed. " wanting things, david." She shook her head. " always made me feel guilty. At the hospital I just wanted to die. People like me, dave, this is a disease we have, but the doctors didn't know how to fix it."
"I thought everythin' was okay when jack and I started going tahgeddah, but..." she trailed off. " it wasn't enough. I didn't want him tah know, besides."
"then skittery almost died, and that's when I decided I should leave. At the same time I found out some people from the hospital came round the lodgin' house. If they caught me theah,everyone'd be in trouble-I didn't want no one to be involved with my mistakes. It hurt but I decided to get some help."
" you went back to the hospital?"
" a different one, yeah. It was hard looking for one that wasn't the same as the one I left, but I did it." Pagan said.
" so you're fine, now?" david asked.
" I take it one day at a time." Pagan said. " but not a day goes by I don't wonder about jack. I loved him, davy. I still do, but I ain't sure if he would want me aftah what I done." She shrugged. " I just didn't want him mixed up in dis, y'know?"
"he went lookin' for you," david told her. "when you left. He went crazy, pagan. He almost went catatonic. You just disappeared without a trace. No word, nothing." He stopped talking, because he was having hard time controlling all those feelings they'd buried for so long. " I'm not blaming you, and I'm not mad, but I hope you understand when I say you hurt us all pagan, when you did that. And I'm sorry but I hate you for it."
Pagan didn't know what to say. Yet she knew she deserved every word david had told her. It hurt to hear it, but pagan knew that a true friend always stabs you in the front. " join the club," she said. " cause I hate me for it, too."
" we are slaves to the crimes we commit
in fits of passion
we shame."
- Cynthia Alexander
Interlude:
I'm disease. Pagan thought.
she looked up from the black of her coffee to zoe. " I didn't even get to tell him goodbye."
6.
"pagan."
David Jacobs did not hesitate to embrace a long lost friend, especially one that until now, he thought had died. " come in," he said, ushering her inside the small but neat apartment. Everybody had already gone to sleep, except les, who even asked pagan if zoe was with her.
" sorry to be dissappointin, but zoe went her own way, and I went mine, but tell ya what, I'll let her know yah asked." Pagan told les, as she laid down her heavy pack on a chair. Les blushed and retreated to bed. To david, pagan commented, " he's so tall now."
David had to laugh. " yeah, but it's still same ol' les."
They knew they had serious matters to talk about, years worth of news, so they went to the fire escape.
" so, how have you been?" david asked.
" a lot better," pagan said, thinking about how she should start explaining herself and why she just suddenly disappeared. But she couldn't yet, so she decided to wait until david asked the next question and she would take it from there.
He didn't waste any time. " we thought you died, you know."
Pagan nodded. " davy, " she began, swallowing. " I need yah help. This is why I came tah you foist. You'd know what I should do."
" we'll figure something out," david said. This was about jack, of course. It couldn't have been anything else. " why'd yah leave, pag'?"
" I was so messed up, davy," pagan said. " none of the udda guys knew it, well, skittery did, but..." she trailed off, and pulling up the sleeves of her shirt, revealed
ugly bruises on her inner arm, like somebody had brutally stuck needles into her. " this was why."
David couldn't take his eyes off her arm. Then, remembering the time skittery, spot and pagan had brought him along one of their "trips", david wondered why he didn't see it coming.
" it was hard, davy," she began. "trying to stop. When I escaped from the hospital I thought I could do things on my own. Thought if I just woiked real hard, the pain would go away. Then I became a newsie and I was good at it, but all that walking was just a way to get me to stop thinking about taking a hit. But during the night...it just sometimes got too hard...I wouldn't be able to go to sleep cause I wanted a hit real bad."
david listened carefully and he hoped without prejudice.
" the only thing that made me stop wanting to was thinkin' about jack. "
"keep going," david said.
Pagan sighed. " wanting things, david." She shook her head. " always made me feel guilty. At the hospital I just wanted to die. People like me, dave, this is a disease we have, but the doctors didn't know how to fix it."
"I thought everythin' was okay when jack and I started going tahgeddah, but..." she trailed off. " it wasn't enough. I didn't want him tah know, besides."
"then skittery almost died, and that's when I decided I should leave. At the same time I found out some people from the hospital came round the lodgin' house. If they caught me theah,everyone'd be in trouble-I didn't want no one to be involved with my mistakes. It hurt but I decided to get some help."
" you went back to the hospital?"
" a different one, yeah. It was hard looking for one that wasn't the same as the one I left, but I did it." Pagan said.
" so you're fine, now?" david asked.
" I take it one day at a time." Pagan said. " but not a day goes by I don't wonder about jack. I loved him, davy. I still do, but I ain't sure if he would want me aftah what I done." She shrugged. " I just didn't want him mixed up in dis, y'know?"
"he went lookin' for you," david told her. "when you left. He went crazy, pagan. He almost went catatonic. You just disappeared without a trace. No word, nothing." He stopped talking, because he was having hard time controlling all those feelings they'd buried for so long. " I'm not blaming you, and I'm not mad, but I hope you understand when I say you hurt us all pagan, when you did that. And I'm sorry but I hate you for it."
Pagan didn't know what to say. Yet she knew she deserved every word david had told her. It hurt to hear it, but pagan knew that a true friend always stabs you in the front. " join the club," she said. " cause I hate me for it, too."