Note: this is the conclusion to the story. Thanks for following this little first story attempt! Maraming salamat...
" I have seen, I have been to places
far and deep in my mind
only to find
comfort in your strangeness."
- cynthia Alexander
jack decided to get out of the lodging house to clear his head. He had to make sense out of that horrible dream and what had taken place earlier in the night.
It had been years before jack had recovered from the blow of pagan's disappearance, and after that, had been resigned that she had died and left it at that. He never mentioned her name, and when the other newsies talked about her, they were careful never to bring her up when jack was present. David had been worried that jack had been permanently damaged by the incident, for he was never quite the same jack. now that he knew for sure she was alive, he was flooded with feelings of betrayal. Her absence was now even harder to explain than ever, something he wasn't prepared to face.
Jack was about to fly out of the lodging house when he saw pagan crouched by the door. He couldn't just jump over her, so he knew he was in a compromising spot. Either that or go back up. It was fight or flee, and jack was no coward. Pagan felt the door open behind her. she raised her head and saw jack standing there. She got up.
"what yah doin' out heah?" was all jack was able to say. He was about to brush past her, when pagan spoke up.
"I'm sorry."
Jack stopped in his tracks.
" I'm sorry. I know you hate me, and I'm sorry," she said. " I wound everyone I love."
Slowly, jack turned around, but made no move to come closer.
"you were the last person that deserved to get hurt. I understand if you never want to see me again because it's my fault. But I couldn't live with myself not telling you I'm sorry." This time it was she who took a step back, for she didn't want him to see the tears that were now forming in her eyes.
"oh, pagan," jack said, not trusting his voice to go above a whisper. "why'd I lose yah?"
hearing him say that, there was no way pagan could stop the tears from spilling over her face. A great flood of years of loneliness and emptiness broke free from somewhere inside her, coming out in huge sobs- so huge, it hurt her chest. Yet she must release them or else it would destroy her.
she felt his arms go around her. " we was supposed tah go tah santa fe, remembah?" he said, still softly. " I died when you left. How'd I lose you?"
" I was dying from an addiction, " she said. " I was trouble for all of youse. I would rather have left than to lie to you."
" what about the truth?" jack asked, pain in his voice. " why didn't yah think I wouldn't understand?"
this only made pagan cry fresh tears. Because I was weak, she thought. Because I was sick. Because I was scared. Oh, jack, hell was everywhere without you.
For what seemed like an eternity, he just kept holding her. somehow it didn't matter to him anymore if she ever answered him or not, what was important was that she was here, now, alive and in his arms. He had almost lost her again that night, with the things he said, but he only said them because of the shock of seeing her. he never meant to turn her away. He never meant to say he didn't care she was standing in front of him. He never meant to say he didn't love her. because he did love her, and that had to be enough to make her stay.
I've been everywhere, seen so many things, but what I need the most is right here, pagan realized.
" come on, " jack said, drying the tears from her face. " home's dis way."
" I have seen, I have been to places
far and deep in my mind
only to find
comfort in your strangeness."
- cynthia Alexander
jack decided to get out of the lodging house to clear his head. He had to make sense out of that horrible dream and what had taken place earlier in the night.
It had been years before jack had recovered from the blow of pagan's disappearance, and after that, had been resigned that she had died and left it at that. He never mentioned her name, and when the other newsies talked about her, they were careful never to bring her up when jack was present. David had been worried that jack had been permanently damaged by the incident, for he was never quite the same jack. now that he knew for sure she was alive, he was flooded with feelings of betrayal. Her absence was now even harder to explain than ever, something he wasn't prepared to face.
Jack was about to fly out of the lodging house when he saw pagan crouched by the door. He couldn't just jump over her, so he knew he was in a compromising spot. Either that or go back up. It was fight or flee, and jack was no coward. Pagan felt the door open behind her. she raised her head and saw jack standing there. She got up.
"what yah doin' out heah?" was all jack was able to say. He was about to brush past her, when pagan spoke up.
"I'm sorry."
Jack stopped in his tracks.
" I'm sorry. I know you hate me, and I'm sorry," she said. " I wound everyone I love."
Slowly, jack turned around, but made no move to come closer.
"you were the last person that deserved to get hurt. I understand if you never want to see me again because it's my fault. But I couldn't live with myself not telling you I'm sorry." This time it was she who took a step back, for she didn't want him to see the tears that were now forming in her eyes.
"oh, pagan," jack said, not trusting his voice to go above a whisper. "why'd I lose yah?"
hearing him say that, there was no way pagan could stop the tears from spilling over her face. A great flood of years of loneliness and emptiness broke free from somewhere inside her, coming out in huge sobs- so huge, it hurt her chest. Yet she must release them or else it would destroy her.
she felt his arms go around her. " we was supposed tah go tah santa fe, remembah?" he said, still softly. " I died when you left. How'd I lose you?"
" I was dying from an addiction, " she said. " I was trouble for all of youse. I would rather have left than to lie to you."
" what about the truth?" jack asked, pain in his voice. " why didn't yah think I wouldn't understand?"
this only made pagan cry fresh tears. Because I was weak, she thought. Because I was sick. Because I was scared. Oh, jack, hell was everywhere without you.
For what seemed like an eternity, he just kept holding her. somehow it didn't matter to him anymore if she ever answered him or not, what was important was that she was here, now, alive and in his arms. He had almost lost her again that night, with the things he said, but he only said them because of the shock of seeing her. he never meant to turn her away. He never meant to say he didn't care she was standing in front of him. He never meant to say he didn't love her. because he did love her, and that had to be enough to make her stay.
I've been everywhere, seen so many things, but what I need the most is right here, pagan realized.
" come on, " jack said, drying the tears from her face. " home's dis way."