Dean: Hi and welcome to another exciting episode of Secrets of the Stars. First mystery guest will you please describe yourself.
1: Well, I'm blonde with elfin features and I'm absolutely gorgeous.
Dean: Ok. If you think you know whom our mystery guest is please ring up. Hello caller number one. What's your name and where do you come from?
Caller: Hi Dean. My name's Martin and I'm from Kent.
Dean: Ok then son.
Martin: My name's Martin and I'm not your secret love child so please don't call me Son.
Dean: Sorry there Martin. Ok. So who do you think our first mystery guest is?
Martin: I'm pretty certain that its Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Dean: Oh I'm sorry. So near yet so far. Ok then. Caller number two what's your name and where do you come from?
Caller: Hi. I'm Ellie and I'm also from Kent.
Dean: Ok honey let's see. Who do you think it is?
Ellie: Saver of the world twice. It's got to be Link.
Dean: Ooh I'm so sorry. But you've… just won a hundred pounds. It's the right answer.
Ellie: (screams) Mum, mum, did you hear? I won, I won, I won. Oh thank-you Dean, this means so much. I'm going to spend it all on books.
Dean: Ok. Right then Link. Speak to me.
Link: No.
Dean: Don't be such a grouch. Talk to the listeners if you won't talk to me.
Link: Why should I talk to the little S.O.B's? They couldn't care less.
Dean: Hey, man. Look you saved the world. Twice. Tell them how you did it.
Link: Some stupid thing kept pushing me around these villages and stuff. I was quite content to live in my draughty old house but No. Some stupid ass had to decide to trap me inside a game cartridge and make me kill all the Skultullas with whom I'd been growing up. Half of them were my friends. And another thing. I never got any money from all the blasted merchandise like they promised. I only got to keep the tunic and tights. Oh yeah and any money I had left at the end of the game. I mean how many people do you know who can live on about eight measly Rupees? That's about eight pence. For crying out loud my tights have laddered. Now I've got to go and buy a new pair but nowhere sells white tights anymore. And why do I have to wear tights anyway? Why is it that all the hero's in the games wear tights? I'm not a godforsaken poof.
Dean: OK. So now a question from a caller. We have Ellie back on the line.
Ellie: Hi. My question is who is your favourite character in the whole game? Not including you of course.
Link: I'm sorry but it's got to be Mido.
Ellie: Why?
Link: We have a bit of a thing going on.
Ellie: So your earlier comment was a lie. You are a godforsaken poof.
Link: (shout) Yes I am but what does it matter anyway?
Dean: Ok. I'm going to cut in here because we have a question from another caller.
Martin: Hi again. Now look Link. I just wondered if you were doing anything tonight.
Link: Pardon?
Martin: Me big strong man in loincloth. You come see me?
Link: Me not so big and strong but me am all man. You wait outside after questions and I come see you.
Martin: I always knew you would see sense.
Dean: Hmm. Right. Next mystery guest give us a quick description. (Scream from outside) I think that was Link finding out that we said Martin not Martine. Carry on Mystery Guest.
2: I'm a girl. A girl called by a nickname.
Dean: Will you give us a bigger clue?
2: My real name is Elizabeth.
Dean: Ok. Caller number one. I think it might be Martin again.
Martin: Ow. Link not so hard. Nice guys suck, naughty guys bite. Oh. I'm on air. Whoops. Umm. Is this Buffy this time?
Dean: I don't want to know what you're doing but I do know that you're right.
Martin: Oh good. Now if you don't mind I'm trying to teach Link about the 69rs and I don't mean the baseball team.
Dean: Ok. Umm…Buffy talk to us about yourself.
Buffy: I'm a leggy blonde looking for a good fuck.
Dean: Don't you mean fight?
Buffy: I'm a whore and a slut of course I don't mean that. Now let me continue. I'm looking for a tall, dark handsome man. No demons need apply. That means no demons or vampires. I want a Human. And I want it now.
Dean: I think we have a caller on the line. Hello what's your name and where do you come from?
Caller: Hi. I'm Dru and I'm from Sunnydale. Honey. You promised you wouldn't do it to me on air.
Buffy: What the hell are you on about? I do not wanna go out with you. I specifically said no demons or vampires.
Dean: We have another caller. Hello?
Caller: Hi this is Riley and I'm also from Sunnydale. Buffy. I love you. Don't do this to me.
Buffy: Another rule I'm adding here. No Initiative or ex-initiative guys.
Dean: All our lines have gone dead. Except this one of course. It's Martin again.
Martin: I said suck! Gees Link! Oh god. I've done it again. Look Buffy. I'm a mousy brown and I'm a titch but I don't see or hear anyone else offering. Oh. By the way there are two of us and we're gagging for it.
Dean: That much I can tell. Buffy? Buffy? (Door slams behind him) Right. Mystery guest number three. Describe yourself.
3: Lightening bolts got me where I am today and magic is the way forward, upwards, sideways, backwards and inside-out.
Dean: Hmm. Ok. We have a caller. It's Ellie. Again.
Ellie: Hi. I think I know who it is. Is it Harry Potter?
Dean: Yes it is. Now Harry tell us all about yourself.
Harry: Umm. Well. I'm not horny like the rest of these people you've had on this show. My best friends and I have tried to save the school several times but we haven't got around to the whole saving the world thing yet. And last year I unleashed the meanest nastiest bad guy since Attila the Hun.
Link: That was clever.
Harry: Ooh! Gross. You're not wearing anything.
Link: What, scared are you?
Harry: Why should I be scared of a man whose genitals are smaller than mine and look the same as a couple of prunes?
Martin: Don't be so cruel. He's the perfect size.
Harry: For a doll maybe.
Link: You bastard! I'm going to kill you.
Harry: Avada Kedavra! (Bang!)
Martin: I can't believe you just did that!
Dean: Nintendo are so gonna kill you.
Harry: Why should I care Dean Thomas?
Dean: I can't believe that! You told them my real name!
Harry: Yes I did, didn't I?
Dean: Even if Nintendo don't kill you, I can still give you to the Dementors.
Harry: Shit! Ok. Umm. Dean, have you got your wand with you?
Dean: No. (Bang as door is slammed.) We seem to be losing all our guests these days. Do we have time for a fourth mystery guest? We do. Great. Ok. Describe yourself.
4: Pika Pika Pika Chuu Pikachu.
Dean: If that isn't a give away, I don't know what is. What is it with you listeners? Are there only two of you or something? We have Ellie again.
Ellie: Is it Pickachu?
Dean: Well, duh!
Ellie: Oh, and by the way. There are only two listeners because your show is really crap.
Dean: Oh thanks.
Ellie: You're welcome.
Dean: I'm going to sit and sulk now until we get our new guest. Guest Number 5. Describe yourself.
5:Long time caller, First time listener.
Dean: I'm sorry but now you're really taking the piss. Get Lost Martin.
Martin: Ok, Ok. I'm going.
Dean: Thank Fuck for that.
Martin: LINK RULES!
Dean: No, he doesn't. Now mystery guest number Aahh! You're kidding. You've got to be kidding. Nooooooooooooooooo! Not the dreaded…Please No! It's not fair. You can't make me.
6: What I do?
Dean: Umm, just describe yourself Ok.
6: ROAR!
Dean: What the God fuck was that?
6: YOU ASKED ME TO DESCRIBE MYSELF AND IT WAS THE ONLY WAY I CAN THINK OF.
Dean: Right! Are there any callers willing to guess who it is? Ellie you're back.
Ellie: No, don't make me guess. Please. No, how could you do this to me? No, No, Nooooooooooo! (Line goes dead)
Dean: Bollocks! Ok, we have Martin on the line.
Martin: You can't make me. I won't let you. No! No! Nooooooooooo! (Line goes dead)
Dean: Hello? Hello? Please, Please don't do this to me. Noooooooo!
6: Why the hell does this happen every single time? I'm not bloody scary you know. Look, if anyone can guess who I am then the writer of this fanfiction would like your guesses. By the way, I'm not Anne Robinson or Voldemort. Who am I?
P.S. ROAR!!!!!