Weight Beyond a Feather
by
Disclaimer: I still don't own anything. Nobody actually thinks I do, so I don't know why I write these. Oh, I remember now. Paramount, don't sue!
Summary: A companion story to 'Kiss Her, and Start the Day'. Kathryn Janeway's POV.
Rating: G
I know he feels something for me, still. I don't know exactly what it is, but I suspect. I don't let myself think about it, though, because when I do, all the reasons not to get involved with him seem to shoot out the spaceport in my head, and they don't want to come back. And without my reasons, I have nothing holding me back.
All these years in the quadrant, I have allowed him to take care of me. He has acted like a faithful bodyguard, and I have given little in response. He often rescues me from danger, yet when it is my turn, I send others in my place. I know it is because of regulations, but it makes me feel cowardly. When I am injured or in danger, he does not hesitate to risk himself for me. Why can I not give the same devotion?
I have given him my friendship, and that's all I can give. I hope, that if his feelings have not faded with time, perhaps upon our return to Earth, we can finally be together. Yet, other days, I wonder why we do not simply succumb to the feelings, here and now. I know he is willing.
Rules and old ties bind me, but not tightly. If I were not so afraid, I could slip out of them. The knots are not so strong, the ropes not so tight. It is my fear that is holding me back. My fear that I would not be able to be a strong enough captain, were I to allow myself to depend on another person.
But when I ask myself if I could depend on Chakotay any more, I answer myself honestly: No. Because my life often rests in my first officer's hands, and my feelings permanently. And I am vulnerable to him now. Every touch of his strong hands, even warm, gentle laugh, produce feelings in me beyond belief. And I don't think I could feel more pain at the prospect of his death than I do now.
The crew has settled down, calming and becoming more comfortable. The Equinox crew are joining the others, and getting along decently. Tom and B'Elanna married, and have a baby on the way. When I first combined this crew, I never thought I would live to see the day that happened!
They are settled. Sure, they miss their loved ones at home, but their true family, the close environment everyone lives for back in the Alpha Quadrant, it is alive here, in the Delta Quadrant, on a little ship called Voyager.
Why can I not relax, and allow myself what I have allowed the crew without question?
And I answer myself, again. Rules. Regulations. Irresponsible. Inappropriate. All the reasons in the world, and none with weight beyond than a feather.
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