Insecurities:
Part 3
by
Author's Note: This isn't really an author's note, it's more like an explanation, but that'll work too. Anyway, I decided to write this series, as an eight-part story, in which one character dictated each part of the story. As the title suggests, it will focus on the personal insecurities of each character. These stories take place during second season, at various times. Happy Reading!
Disclaimer: I head this somewhere on the Internet, and felt it was appropriate. So I'm going to use it here. *I highly doubt that Jason Katims and Melinda Metz have taken up a new hobby writing fanfiction. So, therefore, you can assume that the characters aren't mine.*
Rating: PG
Feedback, please? I want to know how I'm doing. It goes to teneljade@netzero.net, and thanks again!
Isabel
************
I live in fear. I always have. I'm beginning to suspect I always will.
I was eight years old when I learned how different I was for real, but I'd always known something was off. I mean, not every kid is found wandering along a highway, naked, gripping her brother's hand and unable to talk.
The secret? It was always Max and Michael's. They wouldn't let up on me, from the moment we figured it out. Don't tell, Isabel. If you tell them, they won't love you, Isabel. If you tell them, the government will take you away, and run experiments on you, Isabel.
So, I lived in fear. And granted, it was warranted every once in a while, what with Pierce and Topolsky and all, but I was sure that was all Max's fault. If he just hadn't healed Liz, then everything would have been okay. I was so certain of that fact, and so mad with Max that I didn't notice the changes that had occurred.
When I did, I realized that suddenly we had a group of friends, who knew everything about us, down to our real, true, alien souls, and they hadn't run. In fact, it had made us all closer. I had a boyfriend, if I'd wanted him, which I hadn't, but he was there. Little puppy-dog Alex. Max and Liz were sickeningly sappy, and Michael had a new verbal sparring/flirting partner who actually knew who he was, too.
We were all happier. And we owed to Max's spontaneous decision. But I forced myself to keep arguing the other point. The fact that no one had been suspicious before the Liz incident, and certainly no one had tried to kill us before then. Max had never been tortured, people hadn't been killed, our worlds had been full of paranoia, but never the chaos that resided in them now.
My point is, Max doesn't live in fear. He gets frightened sometimes, but he doesn't live in it, have it tempering his every move, and because of that, we all benefited. I got my first real close girlfriends, and Max and Michael both gained something even more important--the girls whom I think are their soulmates.
After all that, things settled down, and summer was a calm, if somewhat emotionally tense, break from the aforementioned chaos. Liz went away, Max moped, Michael and Maria avoided each other as best as they could in a town the size of Roswell, and Tess just generally got in the way. Don't get me wrong, she's one of my best friends now, but back then, she was a little... how to put it delicately... oh, hell, just say it. A little... bitchy.
Then everyone came back, and everything spiraled out of control again. First Congresswoman Whittaker, which led into the whole Skins mess, which in turn, led to the whole Michael-and-Maria-being-even-meaner-to-each-other-than-usual thing, when no immediate danger was present. Or, actually, for that matter of fact, they were pretty mean to each other when they were in immediate danger, too.
Max and Liz did the whole mopey puppy dog thing, and Max and Tess seemed to have worked out their 'difference of opinion' about their destiny. Currently, I think it's Liz who's refusing to take my brother back, but it could be the other way around... You never can figure out what's what with those two.
And now we're in the middle of this whole Laurie Dupree mess, complicated by the fact that she's probably Michael's sister or something, plus that Maria's mom is freaking, and so Maria will probably be forced to abide by some ridiculous rules for a while when she comes back, until her mother calms down. So we have to count out Maria's help for a while.
So, I think that's all the events that Max's rather rash actions have caused. Oh, but I forgot the emotional impact of all the secrets on our family, plus the whole Vilandra thing. Which I try hard not to think about.
I'm not sure whether it's preferable to be paranoid and have nothing happen, or constantly be in danger, but at least know that you have a reason to be. It's crazy, right? Obviously it's better to not be in any danger. But I'm not convinced. I was wound up incredibly tight those few years before the Max and Liz incident, and I don't want to be like that again.
We have more assets now, more help through the official channels, with Sheriff Valenti. Except that I got him kicked off the force. That feels really great, to know that I helped him lose his job. But Laurie's alive, and with Michael, hopefully.
Max and Liz are holed up in his room again, trying to figure out more about that 'Ganderium' stuff, probably getting properly tense from the mere act of being three feet from each other. I really wish those two would give it up, and just get back together. Even Michael and Maria were smart enough to do that.
Then again, I shouldn't be talking.
Back to the fear. I'm guessing you don't think I sound very fearful right now, huh? Probably 'sarcastic' is the first thought you come up with. But this happens. So long, knowing I'm different, yet having to pretend to live a normal life, at the same time, trying, again and again to save the world, it makes me feel like I've got two personalities. Human Isabel and alien Isabel. It would be fitting, since I'm half-human and half-alien. And somewhere, in the meshing of those personalities, the fear gets lost.
Maybe it's because they react so differently. My human half gets frightened. Little-kid-who-thinks-there-are-monsters-under-the-bed frightened. Weepy scared.
My alien half, on the other hand, thinks it's cool to tie me up in knots and drive everyone around me crazy. I can't help myself. Sometimes I don't even feel like I have any control when I'm her. Biting remarks come out of my mouth, and I'm a perfectionist to an extent even Max can't beat.
I think I will always live in fear. I wonder sometimes if it's worth it, but I cannot think about that too much, or I get depressed. Because I know I will never fit in on this earth. I will hold my secret forever, and probably carry it to the grave. I will probably never have children, because of all the risks. And who knows if it's even possible? Except with another alien. And that's too sick of a thought to consider. Michael and Max are both my brothers.
I might spend the rest of my life searching for ways to keep civilization from falling apart. I might die tomorrow, from those damn 'Ganderium's, or I might die an old lady in her bed. Somehow I doubt the old lady part will ever come true.
And if I ever go back to our world, I will never fit in there either. I am half human, but much more so than that emotionally, because I was raised like a human. I have one foot with equal weight in each world, and I fear I will never be able to shift myself over to one side completely.
I guess I can do nothing but wait and see what my worlds offer. But... all of these things, all that they scare me, what scares me most is what is on the inside. I am Isabel Evans. But I am also Princess Vilandra. And that is what haunts my nightmares.
Back to The Palace of the Royal Four
Back to The Palace of the Royal Four Fanfic