Insecurities:
Part 2
by
Author's Note: This isn't really an author's note, it's more like an explanation, but that'll work too. Anyway, I decided to write this series, as an eight-part story, in which one character dictated each part of the story. As the title suggests, it will focus on the personal insecurities of each character. These stories take place during second season, at various times. Happy Reading!
Disclaimer: I head this somewhere on the Internet, and felt it was appropriate. So I'm going to use it here. *I highly doubt that Jason Katims and Melinda Metz have taken up a new hobby writing fanfiction. So, therefore, you can assume that the characters aren't mine.*
Rating: PG
Feedback, please? I want to know how I'm doing. It goes to teneljade@netzero.net, and thanks again!
Tess
*********
I don't belong with them. I never will. It's not something that makes me bitter, like it used to, but simply something that I have realized, and must accept. But that's a lot harder than it sounds.
Nasedo would scold me for being soft, and human. But I'm not Nasedo. I'm half-human, and I obviously have some human weaknesses to go along with the lack of certain powers. Sometimes I resent the way he raised me, and I wonder how things would be different if I'd broken out of the pods with Michael, Max, and Isabel. They'd probably be better, I think bitterly.
You see, there I go, off on a tangent again. And I'm mentally scolding myself for losing focus, for concentrating on something unimportant, just the way Nasedo used to do, and then I'm scolding myself for scolding myself, telling myself I can't help how I feel. But I don't even know how I feel. God, I'm messed up.
The rest of the royal four, they're confused too. They're scared because of all the dangers that befall them. But emotionally, they're secure. They've got each other, and they have their human friends. They never feel the same kind of loneliness that I get, where it seems like not a single person on the face of the earth would notice if you just disappeared. Well, anyone besides the school system, anyway.
Those days can be scary. I would never really consider suicide, because I am fully aware of my destiny. But isn't it strange that someone like me, who has a clear-cut purpose in life, which, as far as I can tell, is the main reason beings fell worthless, can still be intimidated to the point of wishing she didn't exist?
Kyle helps. He really is kind, and I fear I haven't shown him enough in return. He is important to me, and I hope he knows that. I always mean to tell him, but when I go to try, my tongue gets tied up, and this irrational fear grips me, and then I hear Nasedo telling me that it's not important, it doesn't matter what he feels, anyway, he's just human.
But, God damn it Nasedo, I'm human too! Don't you get it? I told Max I wasn't human, that he wasn't either, but it was a lie. I have human blood in my veins, and I live in a human world, where I was raised. I went to school taught by humans, I fall in love with humans. Or at least lust.
I am a curiosity. I'm not alien, but I'm not quite a human either. I have the powers of an alien, the feelings of a human. But I live on a human world, eat human food, breathe human air. And this makes me feel more like a person, and less like an object created for a single purpose.
I know I was manufactured. Made, in a laboratory, with a single purpose burned into my head. To seek out Max Evans. Fall in love with him, or at least, make him fall in love with me. Vital to the survival of our race, this must be my only drive. And now, I must defy my biology find myself. Because I am not simply an object, I am a person, and I must know who that person is.
And while I'm at it, I have to figure out some way to banish the implanted memories of Max and me, in our other life. Max has made it quite clear that there is no future for us, and that he does not remember our time. And I am not willing to chase a fleeing goal for the rest of my life.
Besides, that person, the person in my memories, she is not me. She carries a different name, different experiences, different feelings. I don't love Max Evans, she does. But me or not, she holds a power over me.
Not any more. My name is Tess Harding, and I am an alien/human hybrid with a pre-made path to follow in life. But I am also my own person, and I will control my own destiny.
I have just one more thing to say. I miss you Nasedo. But I also hate you, for what you did to me, for how you messed me up. I hate you! And I love you! And this is just more proof of what you did to me.
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