Part XIII - "Alone in the blackness."
PRESENT DAY
Xander was gently rocking Buffy back and forth as she sobbed, the reliving of events past overwhelmed her past the point of control. Mentally though, he was reflecting upon a much darker time than Buffy had ever had to live through with her Xander. "Buff? I think you've told me enough for one night. You can tell me the rest some other time."
Through her sobs, Buffy shook her head in the negative. "No Xander, I need to finish. 'Cause I don't think I can open these wounds up again anytime soon."
Xander just nodded, and placed a loving kiss on her forehead. An action that didn't go unnoticed or unappreciated by the Slayer. "Thanks Xander, you always know what to do when I'm hurting." Then without thinking she placed a soft kiss on his lips. After the briefest of contact, which nonetheless made her heart race, she pulled back and returned to her spot on Xander's chest.
"So once they finally let me back there to see you, I pretty much never left. Oh, they TRIED to get me out of that room, but they gave THAT idea up after I snapped the wrist of the guy who tried to manhandle me!" Buffy smiled happily as she heard and felt Xander's chuckles. Like a balm for her soul, when she looked up she saw the smile that she loved so well, the first real smile she'd seen from him since she started her tale.
"So while you were... um, asleep, I held your hand and sometimes read to you. And when I got tired, I crawled up into bed with you and snuggled in. You know, that way if you woke up, you'd feel me there with you." Buffy blushed as he tilted her face up to meet his. His expression filled with love and gratitude just for her alone.
Needing to do something before things got out of hand, he asked a question. "So Buffy, what did you read to me?"
Grinning from ear to ear, she stroked his face tenderly. "Well, I figured that anything Giles would have me read to you would keep you in that coma! So I opted for a few Spider-Man comic books."
Kissing her smiling lips a few times in succession, Buffy couldn't help but blush deeper when she saw the look of reverence he regarded her with. "You know me so well Buffy." Neither of them realizing that they were crossing subtle lines, erasing bit by bit the distinctions that separated each of them from the counterparts that they originally loved. Then suddenly Xander's expression clouded over in pain. "Were you the only one who visited me?"
Buffy's smile brightened. "Oh, no! Every day the whole Scooby gang came over to sit with you for a while. Even Angel. Although, I told him he'd better not be looking at your neck for any length of time!" Looking into each other's eyes, they both burst out laughing. Xander laughed especially heartily after hearing Buffy echo the words the he'd once said to Dead-Boy himself. After a few moments they were able to get themselves back in control.
"Anyway, there wasn't a moment that someone wasn't with you. And, with the exception of bathroom breaks and showers, I never left your side." Buffy shined proudly at this fact, and couldn't help but feel warm all over when Xander pulled her even tightly against him with a barely audible whimper of thanks.
"So, what did you do about slaying?"
Buffy absently traced circles with her fingernails on Xander's chest as she talked with him. "Well, after seeing what happened to the orderly, Giles decided that forcing me to leave your side was out, so he tried the guilt trip approach. And I told him that I just had three words for him. 'Go call Kendra'. Giles just started to make that clucking sound, I guess because he didn't think of it first. She arrived late that night, and about two days later you came out of the coma. She stayed and took over my slaying duties until you were well enough to check out of the hospital." Buffy paused, believing that she felt wetness on the back of her neck, but just as quickly shrugged it off as her imagination. "That day I found you lying unconscious confirmed everything I believed, that nothing in my life, not even slaying, was more important than you."
Silence filled the air, until Buffy heard the sound of a muffled sob. Turning around, she saw more agony and pain in Xander's expression than her heart could bear. Silent sobs rocked his body as tears flowed like rivers from his eyes. So I DID feel wetness on the back of my neck! Softly and lovingly, Buffy started to wipe away Xander's tears with her thumb. "Xander? What's wrong?" Buffy wondered what she had said that could have brought out such anguish in Xander. "I'm sorry Xander, please tell me what I did wrong."
The second he heard her say that, Xander's head shot up. Slowly he began to trace his fingers over her face as he shuddered with held in sobs. "It isn't anything you did Buffy. It's just that things happened a lot differently for me in my world. I wasn't nearly so lucky as your Xander. I didn't have you. I didn't have anyone. I was all alone."
Buffy looked at Xander incredulously. "What do you mean you were alone?"
Xander looked at Buffy with stricken, hurt-filled eyes. "What I mean IS, I was ALL ALONE! Do you know who called the paramedics that day? DO YOU?"
Tears filled Buffy's eyes, the reason for Xander's outburst scaring her more than his raised tone. In a tiny voice, Buffy answered Xander's yelled question. "N... No, I... I don't Xander."
Xander hung his head, his eyes closing tight as his chin dropped to rest on his chest. "I did."
Buffy looked at him, her eyes wide. "You did? But how? When I found you that morning, you were out cold. There's no way you could have made that call."
Xander spoke in a tired voice, that spoke volumes about the pain he'd suffered. "No, you're right, there's no way I could have placed that call that morning. But, I guess I could have around four o'clock that afternoon. That's when the 911 operators say I placed the call, and I suppose I was coherent enough to convince them to get their asses out there."
Buffy had absolutely nothing to say. All she could do was sit there and listen with her hand over her mouth.
"I don't even remember talking to the operator, my last real memory is punching in the right numbers. The next thing I remember is waking to an empty hospital room four days later. I looked around and there wasn't a soul around. And when the doctors finally came around to check on me, do you know how many visitors I'd had in three days? NONE! Not a damn soul even knew I was there."
Hearing all this, Buffy had only one question to ask, but she wasn't sure that she really wanted to know the answer. So, she kept silent for a few seconds more.
"You see, Giles let it inadvertently slip that everyone thought I was just slacking off, ditching school. And that everyone felt that they had more important things to do than keep tabs on me. One day I can understand, two is even forgivable, but three days? How little do you have to care about someone to not visit them for three days?"
Buffy still couldn't think to ask the question burning at her heart, so she did what she could to comfort Xander as he poured his heart out to her. She let him speak as she kissed his tears away, hoping that each kiss would be a balm for the wounds of his soul.
"Yeah, eventually Giles, Willow, and Oz found me, and each one constantly expressed their apologies for everything that had happened to me. But to me, the damage was done, I knew exactly how they felt about me by the three days I spent without a soul to hold my hand, or read me stories. Sure Oz and Willow expressed outward repentance, but soon enough, they left my room to go back to their lives. The only one I began to forgive was Giles, because he stayed there with me. Up until the day I was released. He was more of a father to me in those days than my real father ever had been."
Buffy managed a small smile in spite of everything Xander was telling her. It seemed at least there was one person who cared about Xander. But again, there was one missing piece, the piece that held the reason behind the look of pain he'd shown when she told him how she was there for her own Xander. She had to know, and she had to know now. "Xander? Where were the others? You know, the rest of the Scooby Gang?"
Even though he was suffering, hurting because he knew how it could have been. How things would have been different if not for a single choice, Xander's first instinct was to spare Buffy from pain. "Well, Dead-Boy wasn't there because he knew I didn't want him there. I'd hated him from the very moment I met him, and I was glad I didn't have to endure him while I was stuck in that damn hospital. And Cordelia, well I bear no ill will towards her, she had her reasons for not being there. And her reasons were completely valid."
Xander shifted his eyes away from her. Anything to keep her from asking her next question. "Xander... where was I?"
"You came by Buffy. You checked in with Giles and asked about me while you were getting your slaying assignments." Xander decided once again to protect Buffy with a lie. "I knew deep down, that you wanted to be there, but you had your duties."
Buffy's eyes flashed with anger. "I know you Xander Harris, and you know good and well that nothing could have kept me from your side, save the world coming to an end! So where the hell was I?"
Smiling ruefully, knowing that he couldn't slip one past her, he braced himself for her reaction. "You were with Angel."
Buffy scrunched her nose up in disgust. "Angel? Why would I be with him, when my boyfriend was in the hospital?" Thinking for a minute, she asked an even more poignant question. "For that matter, why didn't I find you in your room?"
Not committing to an answer, Xander basically gave her a repeat answer. "Like I said, you were with Angel."
Buffy raised her voice in frustration. "WHY WAS I WITH HIM? Why wasn't I with you? I don't understand!"
Xander simply sighed. "Because you were in love with him."
PRESENT DAY
Xander was gently rocking Buffy back and forth as she sobbed, the reliving of events past overwhelmed her past the point of control. Mentally though, he was reflecting upon a much darker time than Buffy had ever had to live through with her Xander. "Buff? I think you've told me enough for one night. You can tell me the rest some other time."
Through her sobs, Buffy shook her head in the negative. "No Xander, I need to finish. 'Cause I don't think I can open these wounds up again anytime soon."
Xander just nodded, and placed a loving kiss on her forehead. An action that didn't go unnoticed or unappreciated by the Slayer. "Thanks Xander, you always know what to do when I'm hurting." Then without thinking she placed a soft kiss on his lips. After the briefest of contact, which nonetheless made her heart race, she pulled back and returned to her spot on Xander's chest.
"So once they finally let me back there to see you, I pretty much never left. Oh, they TRIED to get me out of that room, but they gave THAT idea up after I snapped the wrist of the guy who tried to manhandle me!" Buffy smiled happily as she heard and felt Xander's chuckles. Like a balm for her soul, when she looked up she saw the smile that she loved so well, the first real smile she'd seen from him since she started her tale.
"So while you were... um, asleep, I held your hand and sometimes read to you. And when I got tired, I crawled up into bed with you and snuggled in. You know, that way if you woke up, you'd feel me there with you." Buffy blushed as he tilted her face up to meet his. His expression filled with love and gratitude just for her alone.
Needing to do something before things got out of hand, he asked a question. "So Buffy, what did you read to me?"
Grinning from ear to ear, she stroked his face tenderly. "Well, I figured that anything Giles would have me read to you would keep you in that coma! So I opted for a few Spider-Man comic books."
Kissing her smiling lips a few times in succession, Buffy couldn't help but blush deeper when she saw the look of reverence he regarded her with. "You know me so well Buffy." Neither of them realizing that they were crossing subtle lines, erasing bit by bit the distinctions that separated each of them from the counterparts that they originally loved. Then suddenly Xander's expression clouded over in pain. "Were you the only one who visited me?"
Buffy's smile brightened. "Oh, no! Every day the whole Scooby gang came over to sit with you for a while. Even Angel. Although, I told him he'd better not be looking at your neck for any length of time!" Looking into each other's eyes, they both burst out laughing. Xander laughed especially heartily after hearing Buffy echo the words the he'd once said to Dead-Boy himself. After a few moments they were able to get themselves back in control.
"Anyway, there wasn't a moment that someone wasn't with you. And, with the exception of bathroom breaks and showers, I never left your side." Buffy shined proudly at this fact, and couldn't help but feel warm all over when Xander pulled her even tightly against him with a barely audible whimper of thanks.
"So, what did you do about slaying?"
Buffy absently traced circles with her fingernails on Xander's chest as she talked with him. "Well, after seeing what happened to the orderly, Giles decided that forcing me to leave your side was out, so he tried the guilt trip approach. And I told him that I just had three words for him. 'Go call Kendra'. Giles just started to make that clucking sound, I guess because he didn't think of it first. She arrived late that night, and about two days later you came out of the coma. She stayed and took over my slaying duties until you were well enough to check out of the hospital." Buffy paused, believing that she felt wetness on the back of her neck, but just as quickly shrugged it off as her imagination. "That day I found you lying unconscious confirmed everything I believed, that nothing in my life, not even slaying, was more important than you."
Silence filled the air, until Buffy heard the sound of a muffled sob. Turning around, she saw more agony and pain in Xander's expression than her heart could bear. Silent sobs rocked his body as tears flowed like rivers from his eyes. So I DID feel wetness on the back of my neck! Softly and lovingly, Buffy started to wipe away Xander's tears with her thumb. "Xander? What's wrong?" Buffy wondered what she had said that could have brought out such anguish in Xander. "I'm sorry Xander, please tell me what I did wrong."
The second he heard her say that, Xander's head shot up. Slowly he began to trace his fingers over her face as he shuddered with held in sobs. "It isn't anything you did Buffy. It's just that things happened a lot differently for me in my world. I wasn't nearly so lucky as your Xander. I didn't have you. I didn't have anyone. I was all alone."
Buffy looked at Xander incredulously. "What do you mean you were alone?"
Xander looked at Buffy with stricken, hurt-filled eyes. "What I mean IS, I was ALL ALONE! Do you know who called the paramedics that day? DO YOU?"
Tears filled Buffy's eyes, the reason for Xander's outburst scaring her more than his raised tone. In a tiny voice, Buffy answered Xander's yelled question. "N... No, I... I don't Xander."
Xander hung his head, his eyes closing tight as his chin dropped to rest on his chest. "I did."
Buffy looked at him, her eyes wide. "You did? But how? When I found you that morning, you were out cold. There's no way you could have made that call."
Xander spoke in a tired voice, that spoke volumes about the pain he'd suffered. "No, you're right, there's no way I could have placed that call that morning. But, I guess I could have around four o'clock that afternoon. That's when the 911 operators say I placed the call, and I suppose I was coherent enough to convince them to get their asses out there."
Buffy had absolutely nothing to say. All she could do was sit there and listen with her hand over her mouth.
"I don't even remember talking to the operator, my last real memory is punching in the right numbers. The next thing I remember is waking to an empty hospital room four days later. I looked around and there wasn't a soul around. And when the doctors finally came around to check on me, do you know how many visitors I'd had in three days? NONE! Not a damn soul even knew I was there."
Hearing all this, Buffy had only one question to ask, but she wasn't sure that she really wanted to know the answer. So, she kept silent for a few seconds more.
"You see, Giles let it inadvertently slip that everyone thought I was just slacking off, ditching school. And that everyone felt that they had more important things to do than keep tabs on me. One day I can understand, two is even forgivable, but three days? How little do you have to care about someone to not visit them for three days?"
Buffy still couldn't think to ask the question burning at her heart, so she did what she could to comfort Xander as he poured his heart out to her. She let him speak as she kissed his tears away, hoping that each kiss would be a balm for the wounds of his soul.
"Yeah, eventually Giles, Willow, and Oz found me, and each one constantly expressed their apologies for everything that had happened to me. But to me, the damage was done, I knew exactly how they felt about me by the three days I spent without a soul to hold my hand, or read me stories. Sure Oz and Willow expressed outward repentance, but soon enough, they left my room to go back to their lives. The only one I began to forgive was Giles, because he stayed there with me. Up until the day I was released. He was more of a father to me in those days than my real father ever had been."
Buffy managed a small smile in spite of everything Xander was telling her. It seemed at least there was one person who cared about Xander. But again, there was one missing piece, the piece that held the reason behind the look of pain he'd shown when she told him how she was there for her own Xander. She had to know, and she had to know now. "Xander? Where were the others? You know, the rest of the Scooby Gang?"
Even though he was suffering, hurting because he knew how it could have been. How things would have been different if not for a single choice, Xander's first instinct was to spare Buffy from pain. "Well, Dead-Boy wasn't there because he knew I didn't want him there. I'd hated him from the very moment I met him, and I was glad I didn't have to endure him while I was stuck in that damn hospital. And Cordelia, well I bear no ill will towards her, she had her reasons for not being there. And her reasons were completely valid."
Xander shifted his eyes away from her. Anything to keep her from asking her next question. "Xander... where was I?"
"You came by Buffy. You checked in with Giles and asked about me while you were getting your slaying assignments." Xander decided once again to protect Buffy with a lie. "I knew deep down, that you wanted to be there, but you had your duties."
Buffy's eyes flashed with anger. "I know you Xander Harris, and you know good and well that nothing could have kept me from your side, save the world coming to an end! So where the hell was I?"
Smiling ruefully, knowing that he couldn't slip one past her, he braced himself for her reaction. "You were with Angel."
Buffy scrunched her nose up in disgust. "Angel? Why would I be with him, when my boyfriend was in the hospital?" Thinking for a minute, she asked an even more poignant question. "For that matter, why didn't I find you in your room?"
Not committing to an answer, Xander basically gave her a repeat answer. "Like I said, you were with Angel."
Buffy raised her voice in frustration. "WHY WAS I WITH HIM? Why wasn't I with you? I don't understand!"
Xander simply sighed. "Because you were in love with him."