It was a quiet little coffee shop, the kind Catherine always adored, but still something was missing. She glanced over a Trowa who was staring blankly into a cup of coffee. "Hey! Wake up!" she said snapping her fingers in front of his face.
"Hu? Wha...?" Trowa asked looking up abruptly.
"You seem like your a million miles away." She stated, taking a thoughtful sip of her coffee. "Are you thinking about Quatre again?"
Trowa looked away. "I love him Cathy. I love him so much it hurts at night. I would do anything if I knew it would make him happy, even if he was with Wufei instead of me."
Catherine looked surprised. "You don't think he's happy with Wufei?"
"No." was Trowa's response. "And I can't do anything about it."
~ ~ ~
Quatre knocked softly on the girls' door before entering, there were five in all, each could have had their own room, but insisted upon sharing.
The light from the night light shown faintly on all their faces, all seemed to be sleeping.
"Quawa, will wyou tell me a stowiee?" Came they voice of Shelly.
'Guess they aren't all asleep after all.' He smiled. She was so innocent and caring. Despite having only one arm to work with she functioned very well. "Sure." so Quatre began the "stowiee' as it were.
Halfway though Shelly fell asleep, but Quatre continued anyway, grateful that he could escape his problems...just for a little while.
The door opened slowly and Trowa stepped through. "Oh...Quatre...sorry, Duo sent me to make sure everything was all right when you didn't come back." He whispered.
"It's okay." Quatre whispered back as Trowa left the room. He turned back to Shelly who was awake again.
"Wyou wove him? don't wyou?" She mumbled.
Quatre jerked back in surprise. "How did you know?"
"I saw it in wyou eyes. You hide it wery well, `cept when Twowa's awound, then wyou swip."
Quatre sighed. "After all these years I still love Trowa so very much."
"But wyou're afwraid to tell him, `cause wyour supposed to bwe with Wufei."
"You don't miss much do you?"
"No, I down't talk a lot, so I wisten, and I wearned to look too."
Quatre realised that this girl was right. he *did* love Trowa, and he *was afraid to afdmit it because he and Wufei were supposed to be together. It all seemed so simple now, but there was no way he could leave Wufei for someone else. that wasn't the way he was. He kissed her gently on the head. "Thank you for helping me to see things clearly. Go to sleep now, tomorrow's The party."
"`Night."
Quatre stayed a few more minutes, just to watch their peaceful forms. No worries.
~ ~ ~
When Trowa and Catherine returned, Wufei immediately tensed up. When Duo sent Trowa to see if the girls were all asleep because Quatre had never came back, Wufei up and followed him. Trowa had a good twenty feet on him so he was in and back out of the bedroom before Wufei even arrived, *and* Trowa was smiling, he walked into his room, that annoying little thing never left his lips. It was as if he held a seacret no one else could know, just the thing Wufei feared.
Being careful that he wasn't seen, Wufei pressed his ear up against the door.
"You hide it wery well, `cept when Twowa's awound, then wyou swip." One of the girls was saying
"After all these years I still love Trowa very so much." Quatre breathed, and from the sound of his voice it was obvious it was true.
Wufei jerked away from the door and was prepared to break it down. 'Quare's in love with that baka! I knew he was going to steal him from me! This isn't going to happen if I have anything to say about it!'
"You're a jerk. You know that?" A young voice said that reminded Wufei of Duo years back.
Wufei spun around. "You little...what the heck are you doing out of bed!?"
Jeremy grinned smugly. "I *always* make sure Shelly gets to sleep. Now tell me, what would have happened if you would have burst in there just now?"
"This is none of your business." Wufei growled at the smart ass boy.
But the boy wasn't going to have any of it. He leaned up against the wall. "I noticed it from the moment we got here. Quatre's always just slightly tense around you, and you're a basket case when Trowa's around him. Here's what I'm thinking...Quatre doesn't love you, but doesn't want to hurt you so he doesn't say anything. And you refuse to let him go, even if being with Trowa would make him happier."
"And you think I'm a jerk?" Wufei asked angrily.
"Yep, someone had to spell it out for you." Jeremy said walking away.
A stunned and a not-a-little-bit-upset Wufei walked out to the first floor balcony, it wasn't true! Trowa was just working charm on his little Quatre...wasn't he? Yes, of course he was, Quatre just didn't know what he wanted.
'You're in denile, you know that don't you?' A little voice inside Wufei's head said.
'Oh shut up!'
~ ~ ~
Soon after Wufei followed Trowa Catherine left the room as well, they were all going to need a lot of sleep tonight, considering the large party that was being planned for the next day.
"Heero?" Duo asked timidly when they were she had gone.
"Yes Duo?" Heero answered cautiously looking the long hared boy in the eye.
"I've...missed you."
"I've missed you too."
An eerie silence filled the room, as each sat uncomfortably in his chair. What is the other thinking, they both wondered.
"I am so so sorry Duo." Heero said suddenly, making the other jump in surprise. "I should have never left you, no matter what other people said, I...I love you Duo Maxwell."
"I...I don't know what to say..." Duo stammered. He ran up to Heero and placed his lips on his. Soon Heero was running his fingers through the pilot's long hair. Duo couldn't get enough, they had been apart for so long, he had been alone. Loving someone who had left him.
"Oh Heero I've missed you so much." Duo gasped.
"Let's go somewhere in private." Heero whispered, taking Duo's hand and leading him upstairs, Duo followed without a word. Only hoping to god this wasn't a dream, or that he was just setting himself up for a larger fall if Heero left him again.
When they entered Duo's bedroom Heero sank onto the bed and continued to hold Duo, stroking his hair and kissing his neck occasionally. "I've regretted leaving the second you were out of my sight." he whispered. "I swore that if I ever found you I'd never leave you again."
"Oh Heero!" Duo cried, tears running down his face. "That's all I've wanted for the longest time, every star I saw in the sky, every time someone asked me what I wanted more than anything...I thought of you, and I wanted you with me, to love me..."
"I'm here Duo, I'm here." Heero whispered holding his love tightly.
Time raced by, neither of them noticed. They continued to be completely absorbed in each other, not caring about anything else in the world, because now everything was perfect.
"They're here they're here they're here!" came the voices of sixteen children as the first guests arrived for the party.
Quatre and Wufei wnet downstirs to greet Noin and Zechs as they came in. Though the tention between them was clearly visable.
"Hello Quatre, Wufei." Noin said looking at each of them curiously.
"Hello Noin." Quatre returned, Wufei didn't say anything. More guests could be seen coming up the walk.
"Quatre have you seen Jeremy and Shelly?" Duo asked running up to them looking breathless. "I can't find them anywhere and they aren't with the others."
"Relax Duo." Quatre said smugly. "They're um...how would you say...having a bit of christmas love."
Duo looked confused. "What the heck are you talking about?"
"They're sitting alone, I saw Jeremy give Shelly a kiss." Quatre explained. "but don't over react, it was just one."
Duo nodded, then looked at the many guests coming up the walk. "Geeze, how many people did you invite?"
"A lot."
"Ah, catch you later! Heeeeerrrrooooooo!" Duo ran back into the house.
"Hello Relena." Wufei said as she came into view. HE made a point of putting an arm around Quatre. "I trust you'll have fun."
"I'm sure I will." She said suspiciously as Quatre tried to wiggle away. She seemd like she was going to say something about it, but decided not to.
"Soon it will be just us." Wufei whispered to Quatre. "Just the way it should be."
~ ~ ~
Music blasted from the speakers and people were laughing and having fun. Well, most people anyway. Both Wufei and Trowa were trying to stay with Quatre and avoid each other. Quatre was trying to avoid them both.
"YOU PUT YOUR HANDS UPON MY HIPS! WHEN I DIP YOU DIP WE DIP!!!" Duo screamed at the top of his lungs with music. HE was making no piont in keeping his and Heero's relationship a secret. He then grabbed Heero's hands and placed them purposly on his hips...of rather a little lower...and continued to dance. Heero flushed, but made no effort to remove his hands.
Noin and Zechs, who were watching them laughed out loud, Zechs then took her chin and kissed her. "You're so beautiful." He whispered.
Noin blushed. "Not in public Zechs." she said placing her finger to his lips. "Not until I'm more used to...us..."
"All right my love, when you're ready."
Wufei had been overseeing the party and stared widly at this statement. 'Zechs wanted to kiss Noin, but didn't just because she didn't want him to? How odd...they have a strange relationship. I'll have to talk to Zechs later about keeping Noin in line. Weak.
"Okay Duo, you know I'm not a dancer, I'm done now." Heero stated looking at his partner.
Duo shot Heero a pair of chibi eyes. "One more song Hee-chan? Please?"
"A little later...when people are a little less...sober..." He compromised. Duo nodded grinning that he got part of his way and they both sat into a chair.
"I love you Duo." Heero said.
"I love you too, I want to be with you forever."
Wufei nearly had a heart attack. THis wasn't how it was with him and Quatre at all. As a matter a fact, he thought as he looked at all the couples around the room, none of these people act the way we do, they act more like...eachother.
It was then that he saw Quatre, he and Trowa were looking at eachother, sorrow in both their eyes, it was compleatly obvious that they wanted to be together. But Quatre would go over...because he was supposed to love Wufei...just like Jeremy said.
"You've figured it out haven't you?" Jeremy said, holding onto Shelly's hand. "You've realised the truth."
Wufei jumped. "Stop doing that to me!" He sighed. "But you're right, a little thirteen year old has more justice and wisdom in his heart than I do."
Jeremy, finally satisfied, walked away with Shelly, who was pulling him toward the drinks.
Taking a deep breath, Wufei walked over to Quatre, prepared to do the hardest think he had ever done in his life. "Quatre? I know..."
Quatre looked at him with suprise and horror. "k-know...what, Wufei?"
"I know that you really love Trowa, and not me." He stated, not able to look Quatre in the eye. 'Oh god this hurts so much, if only I was better to him, if only I'd changed sooner...no, It's to late now..."
"I'm sorry." Quatre said eyes tearing up. "As soon as he's gone, we can go back to before, I won't talk aobut him and I won't contact him, it'll just be you and me, like we always talked about."
"No Quatre. That won't make you happy, and because you're not happy, I won't truly be happy...I want...I want you to...IwantyoutogowithTrowa." He blurted out in one breath.
Quatre's eyes widen with suprise, his eyes started to water again. "Wufei...are you, are you sure?"
Wufei's eyes were closed and his head held up high. "I've never been more sure of anything in my life. Now go."
A smile formed on Quatre's lips, he scanned the room for his beloved, then spotted him, he was holding a drink and looking miserable.
"Trowa!" He screamed running over to him and glomping him. Trowa was slightly more that surprised.
"Quatre...wha...?"
"Oh Trowa." Quatre cooed. "I love you so much...please say you'll still have me."
"Of course little one, but what about Wufei." Trowa asked still confused. Not that he *wanted* Quatre to be with Wufei...but still....
"He, he let me go. He said he wanted me to be happy."
"That's a good thing to hear." Trowa whispered, placing a kiss on his lips. It was the best feeling in the world for the both of them. The fireworks were still there.
"I love you Quare Raberba Winner."
"Woooooooooohhhhhhhhhooooooooo!" Duo yelled from the corner pumping his fist in the air. "Way to go Quatre!"
"Duo!" One of the children hissed. "Act your age."
That got a laugh from the entire room, all except Wufei that is. 'Well, here I am, all by myself...again. Darn I'm feeling sorry for mysefl! I'm weak!"
"Hello Wufei, I've been looking for you." Treize said comming up behind him. "So what are you doing later tonight?"
'Hum...maybe this won't be so bad after all..."
It was then that Hilde and Relena had glanced at the clock and realised that it was ten seconds till midnight. The entire room started chanting as if it was new years.
"MEERY CHRISTMAS!" They all yelled.
"Merry Christmas." Trowa whispered to Quatre. "And I swear that this time, It won't be my fault that we aren't together, you can be sure of that."
"Then I guess that we'll be together forever." Quatre whispered back.
"AWWWWWWWW-!" Duo yelled again, but was cut off.
"Duo!" Heero used his lips to cut off Duo's rant. Soon they were locked. And that's the way it stayed for quite a while.
Tai Chick- ::stops writing:: Done! ::giggles:: Trowa and Quatre. Together forever and ever and ever and ever.
Quatre- ::sniffles:: but I thought we were together. Don't you love me?
Tai Chick- ::pinches cheek:: Aw, of course my itty bitty Quatre.
Quatre- ::blushes::
Heero- Hey! What about me!?
Tai Chick- ::sighes:: so many bishounen so little time... So that was my fic. ::grins:: I hoped you liked it, and like I said before, If yaoi isn't something you delight in you shouldn't have been reading this in the first place Ja!
"Hu? Wha...?" Trowa asked looking up abruptly.
"You seem like your a million miles away." She stated, taking a thoughtful sip of her coffee. "Are you thinking about Quatre again?"
Trowa looked away. "I love him Cathy. I love him so much it hurts at night. I would do anything if I knew it would make him happy, even if he was with Wufei instead of me."
Catherine looked surprised. "You don't think he's happy with Wufei?"
"No." was Trowa's response. "And I can't do anything about it."
~ ~ ~
Quatre knocked softly on the girls' door before entering, there were five in all, each could have had their own room, but insisted upon sharing.
The light from the night light shown faintly on all their faces, all seemed to be sleeping.
"Quawa, will wyou tell me a stowiee?" Came they voice of Shelly.
'Guess they aren't all asleep after all.' He smiled. She was so innocent and caring. Despite having only one arm to work with she functioned very well. "Sure." so Quatre began the "stowiee' as it were.
Halfway though Shelly fell asleep, but Quatre continued anyway, grateful that he could escape his problems...just for a little while.
The door opened slowly and Trowa stepped through. "Oh...Quatre...sorry, Duo sent me to make sure everything was all right when you didn't come back." He whispered.
"It's okay." Quatre whispered back as Trowa left the room. He turned back to Shelly who was awake again.
"Wyou wove him? don't wyou?" She mumbled.
Quatre jerked back in surprise. "How did you know?"
"I saw it in wyou eyes. You hide it wery well, `cept when Twowa's awound, then wyou swip."
Quatre sighed. "After all these years I still love Trowa so very much."
"But wyou're afwraid to tell him, `cause wyour supposed to bwe with Wufei."
"You don't miss much do you?"
"No, I down't talk a lot, so I wisten, and I wearned to look too."
Quatre realised that this girl was right. he *did* love Trowa, and he *was afraid to afdmit it because he and Wufei were supposed to be together. It all seemed so simple now, but there was no way he could leave Wufei for someone else. that wasn't the way he was. He kissed her gently on the head. "Thank you for helping me to see things clearly. Go to sleep now, tomorrow's The party."
"`Night."
Quatre stayed a few more minutes, just to watch their peaceful forms. No worries.
~ ~ ~
When Trowa and Catherine returned, Wufei immediately tensed up. When Duo sent Trowa to see if the girls were all asleep because Quatre had never came back, Wufei up and followed him. Trowa had a good twenty feet on him so he was in and back out of the bedroom before Wufei even arrived, *and* Trowa was smiling, he walked into his room, that annoying little thing never left his lips. It was as if he held a seacret no one else could know, just the thing Wufei feared.
Being careful that he wasn't seen, Wufei pressed his ear up against the door.
"You hide it wery well, `cept when Twowa's awound, then wyou swip." One of the girls was saying
"After all these years I still love Trowa very so much." Quatre breathed, and from the sound of his voice it was obvious it was true.
Wufei jerked away from the door and was prepared to break it down. 'Quare's in love with that baka! I knew he was going to steal him from me! This isn't going to happen if I have anything to say about it!'
"You're a jerk. You know that?" A young voice said that reminded Wufei of Duo years back.
Wufei spun around. "You little...what the heck are you doing out of bed!?"
Jeremy grinned smugly. "I *always* make sure Shelly gets to sleep. Now tell me, what would have happened if you would have burst in there just now?"
"This is none of your business." Wufei growled at the smart ass boy.
But the boy wasn't going to have any of it. He leaned up against the wall. "I noticed it from the moment we got here. Quatre's always just slightly tense around you, and you're a basket case when Trowa's around him. Here's what I'm thinking...Quatre doesn't love you, but doesn't want to hurt you so he doesn't say anything. And you refuse to let him go, even if being with Trowa would make him happier."
"And you think I'm a jerk?" Wufei asked angrily.
"Yep, someone had to spell it out for you." Jeremy said walking away.
A stunned and a not-a-little-bit-upset Wufei walked out to the first floor balcony, it wasn't true! Trowa was just working charm on his little Quatre...wasn't he? Yes, of course he was, Quatre just didn't know what he wanted.
'You're in denile, you know that don't you?' A little voice inside Wufei's head said.
'Oh shut up!'
~ ~ ~
Soon after Wufei followed Trowa Catherine left the room as well, they were all going to need a lot of sleep tonight, considering the large party that was being planned for the next day.
"Heero?" Duo asked timidly when they were she had gone.
"Yes Duo?" Heero answered cautiously looking the long hared boy in the eye.
"I've...missed you."
"I've missed you too."
An eerie silence filled the room, as each sat uncomfortably in his chair. What is the other thinking, they both wondered.
"I am so so sorry Duo." Heero said suddenly, making the other jump in surprise. "I should have never left you, no matter what other people said, I...I love you Duo Maxwell."
"I...I don't know what to say..." Duo stammered. He ran up to Heero and placed his lips on his. Soon Heero was running his fingers through the pilot's long hair. Duo couldn't get enough, they had been apart for so long, he had been alone. Loving someone who had left him.
"Oh Heero I've missed you so much." Duo gasped.
"Let's go somewhere in private." Heero whispered, taking Duo's hand and leading him upstairs, Duo followed without a word. Only hoping to god this wasn't a dream, or that he was just setting himself up for a larger fall if Heero left him again.
When they entered Duo's bedroom Heero sank onto the bed and continued to hold Duo, stroking his hair and kissing his neck occasionally. "I've regretted leaving the second you were out of my sight." he whispered. "I swore that if I ever found you I'd never leave you again."
"Oh Heero!" Duo cried, tears running down his face. "That's all I've wanted for the longest time, every star I saw in the sky, every time someone asked me what I wanted more than anything...I thought of you, and I wanted you with me, to love me..."
"I'm here Duo, I'm here." Heero whispered holding his love tightly.
Time raced by, neither of them noticed. They continued to be completely absorbed in each other, not caring about anything else in the world, because now everything was perfect.
"They're here they're here they're here!" came the voices of sixteen children as the first guests arrived for the party.
Quatre and Wufei wnet downstirs to greet Noin and Zechs as they came in. Though the tention between them was clearly visable.
"Hello Quatre, Wufei." Noin said looking at each of them curiously.
"Hello Noin." Quatre returned, Wufei didn't say anything. More guests could be seen coming up the walk.
"Quatre have you seen Jeremy and Shelly?" Duo asked running up to them looking breathless. "I can't find them anywhere and they aren't with the others."
"Relax Duo." Quatre said smugly. "They're um...how would you say...having a bit of christmas love."
Duo looked confused. "What the heck are you talking about?"
"They're sitting alone, I saw Jeremy give Shelly a kiss." Quatre explained. "but don't over react, it was just one."
Duo nodded, then looked at the many guests coming up the walk. "Geeze, how many people did you invite?"
"A lot."
"Ah, catch you later! Heeeeerrrrooooooo!" Duo ran back into the house.
"Hello Relena." Wufei said as she came into view. HE made a point of putting an arm around Quatre. "I trust you'll have fun."
"I'm sure I will." She said suspiciously as Quatre tried to wiggle away. She seemd like she was going to say something about it, but decided not to.
"Soon it will be just us." Wufei whispered to Quatre. "Just the way it should be."
~ ~ ~
Music blasted from the speakers and people were laughing and having fun. Well, most people anyway. Both Wufei and Trowa were trying to stay with Quatre and avoid each other. Quatre was trying to avoid them both.
"YOU PUT YOUR HANDS UPON MY HIPS! WHEN I DIP YOU DIP WE DIP!!!" Duo screamed at the top of his lungs with music. HE was making no piont in keeping his and Heero's relationship a secret. He then grabbed Heero's hands and placed them purposly on his hips...of rather a little lower...and continued to dance. Heero flushed, but made no effort to remove his hands.
Noin and Zechs, who were watching them laughed out loud, Zechs then took her chin and kissed her. "You're so beautiful." He whispered.
Noin blushed. "Not in public Zechs." she said placing her finger to his lips. "Not until I'm more used to...us..."
"All right my love, when you're ready."
Wufei had been overseeing the party and stared widly at this statement. 'Zechs wanted to kiss Noin, but didn't just because she didn't want him to? How odd...they have a strange relationship. I'll have to talk to Zechs later about keeping Noin in line. Weak.
"Okay Duo, you know I'm not a dancer, I'm done now." Heero stated looking at his partner.
Duo shot Heero a pair of chibi eyes. "One more song Hee-chan? Please?"
"A little later...when people are a little less...sober..." He compromised. Duo nodded grinning that he got part of his way and they both sat into a chair.
"I love you Duo." Heero said.
"I love you too, I want to be with you forever."
Wufei nearly had a heart attack. THis wasn't how it was with him and Quatre at all. As a matter a fact, he thought as he looked at all the couples around the room, none of these people act the way we do, they act more like...eachother.
It was then that he saw Quatre, he and Trowa were looking at eachother, sorrow in both their eyes, it was compleatly obvious that they wanted to be together. But Quatre would go over...because he was supposed to love Wufei...just like Jeremy said.
"You've figured it out haven't you?" Jeremy said, holding onto Shelly's hand. "You've realised the truth."
Wufei jumped. "Stop doing that to me!" He sighed. "But you're right, a little thirteen year old has more justice and wisdom in his heart than I do."
Jeremy, finally satisfied, walked away with Shelly, who was pulling him toward the drinks.
Taking a deep breath, Wufei walked over to Quatre, prepared to do the hardest think he had ever done in his life. "Quatre? I know..."
Quatre looked at him with suprise and horror. "k-know...what, Wufei?"
"I know that you really love Trowa, and not me." He stated, not able to look Quatre in the eye. 'Oh god this hurts so much, if only I was better to him, if only I'd changed sooner...no, It's to late now..."
"I'm sorry." Quatre said eyes tearing up. "As soon as he's gone, we can go back to before, I won't talk aobut him and I won't contact him, it'll just be you and me, like we always talked about."
"No Quatre. That won't make you happy, and because you're not happy, I won't truly be happy...I want...I want you to...IwantyoutogowithTrowa." He blurted out in one breath.
Quatre's eyes widen with suprise, his eyes started to water again. "Wufei...are you, are you sure?"
Wufei's eyes were closed and his head held up high. "I've never been more sure of anything in my life. Now go."
A smile formed on Quatre's lips, he scanned the room for his beloved, then spotted him, he was holding a drink and looking miserable.
"Trowa!" He screamed running over to him and glomping him. Trowa was slightly more that surprised.
"Quatre...wha...?"
"Oh Trowa." Quatre cooed. "I love you so much...please say you'll still have me."
"Of course little one, but what about Wufei." Trowa asked still confused. Not that he *wanted* Quatre to be with Wufei...but still....
"He, he let me go. He said he wanted me to be happy."
"That's a good thing to hear." Trowa whispered, placing a kiss on his lips. It was the best feeling in the world for the both of them. The fireworks were still there.
"I love you Quare Raberba Winner."
"Woooooooooohhhhhhhhhooooooooo!" Duo yelled from the corner pumping his fist in the air. "Way to go Quatre!"
"Duo!" One of the children hissed. "Act your age."
That got a laugh from the entire room, all except Wufei that is. 'Well, here I am, all by myself...again. Darn I'm feeling sorry for mysefl! I'm weak!"
"Hello Wufei, I've been looking for you." Treize said comming up behind him. "So what are you doing later tonight?"
'Hum...maybe this won't be so bad after all..."
It was then that Hilde and Relena had glanced at the clock and realised that it was ten seconds till midnight. The entire room started chanting as if it was new years.
"MEERY CHRISTMAS!" They all yelled.
"Merry Christmas." Trowa whispered to Quatre. "And I swear that this time, It won't be my fault that we aren't together, you can be sure of that."
"Then I guess that we'll be together forever." Quatre whispered back.
"AWWWWWWWW-!" Duo yelled again, but was cut off.
"Duo!" Heero used his lips to cut off Duo's rant. Soon they were locked. And that's the way it stayed for quite a while.
Tai Chick- ::stops writing:: Done! ::giggles:: Trowa and Quatre. Together forever and ever and ever and ever.
Quatre- ::sniffles:: but I thought we were together. Don't you love me?
Tai Chick- ::pinches cheek:: Aw, of course my itty bitty Quatre.
Quatre- ::blushes::
Heero- Hey! What about me!?
Tai Chick- ::sighes:: so many bishounen so little time... So that was my fic. ::grins:: I hoped you liked it, and like I said before, If yaoi isn't something you delight in you shouldn't have been reading this in the first place Ja!