AUTHOR: Goddess Isa
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com
SUMMARY: This is the third in my 'Letters' series, one I am very proud of. In this one, well, read it and see. =)
SPOILER: The Harsh Light Of Day and In The Dark
DISTRIBUTION: Crystal, if she wants it - anyone else - Sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =) Of course, all my work is at my page - http://planetslaythis.homestead.com & also my ANGEL page, http://planetangelus.homestead.com
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P
RATING: TV-PG
DISCLAIMER: These characters belong to Joss & David (Greenwalt not Boreanaz). The stupid, poophead Backstreet Boys own the song. Gotta admit, it is beautiful.
//I turn back time
To make you mine
And find the way
Back to your heart
I beg and plead
Fall to my knees
To find the way back
To your heart\\
Dear Angel,
As I write this, Oz is on his way to visit you and give you the Gem of Amara. I can't believe it wasn't my first thought when I realized that the damn thing even existed, but it belongs in your hands.
You're a good person, Angel. You've got a loving heart and a kind way about you, no matter what you think or what you want people to think.
There are nights, lots of them, especially now, when I lay in bed and wish, pray, do anything I think might help if I could spend just one more night in your arms. I know it's over between us - we've been through that a million times even if the words have never actually been said - and that kills me in a way you can't describe.
I found out this week that no matter how much the outside world hurts me, what hurts more is not being able to come to you for comfort. You were always my salvation, Angel. My pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. (I cannot believe I just used such a corny line. At least it was Irish. g)
When you go through the things I've just gone through - I haven't decided yet if I want to tell you the specifics - but when you go through that, you start to feel unloved. I've been feeling very neglected by everyone since you left me, and lately, it has only gotten worse.
My mom has my bedroom full of packing crates from the gallery, Giles has a hobby (automobile magazines) and a stopwatch (he jogs every morning!) and a life (a British woman named Olivia). Xander has Anya (remember the eleven hundred year old demon that showed us how scary it is when Will wears leather? Well she's screwing the Xand Man now, probably even as we speak. Ugh, now I'm nauseous. Bet you are too, huh?), Willow has Oz, I have no one.
I thought there was a chance for me, and believe me, I tried to get out there. I've tried to figure out the hows and wheres and whys of regular dating, and I've realized something.
Men are pigs.
No offense to your gender, but really. They're disgusting shards of glass that prick women, make them bleed and leave them for the next one.
That was a bit blunt and gross, but as I said, it's been a rough past couple of days. My personal stuff was bad enough without vamps being on the rise and Spike coming to town looking for that damn Gem. Took it right off his finger though. He's such a wuss.
The minute I held it in my grasp, I knew I was giving it to you. Whether I sent it through the mail, or took it myself, it was yours. I hope you get it soon, that you wear it and think of me constantly.
I know you may think the ring isn't right for you, but believe me Angel, it is. No one on this Earth deserves it more than you. You already help so many people, and here's your chance to help even more (and avoid the sewers. 'Cause, eeew. Are LA sewers more gross than Sunnydale sewers? My GOD did I just ask that? I need my head examined.). I know you don't feel needed or worthy, but believe me Angel, you should.
I also want you to know that Giles was supportive of my giving you the ring. He thought it was a great idea and that you did deserve to hold the power. He told me to tell you the Gem represents a great eternal inner strength, something he knows you have. He also said to tell you hi. Of course, back then he thought I was giving the ring to you myself.
It wasn't that I didn't want to go visit you in LA, because I did. But Oz offered and it was easy, so I let him take it for me. Maybe I should've brought it myself, but it's done now and I can't change it.
I should've gone anyway, I think, just to see you in the daylight. To hold you and tell you I'm struggling and that I need you. I would probably run away after telling you that, but at least then the words would be out of my system.
I should go now, because I'm crying and the paper is getting all wet and it's really, really gross. I'll see you later. I love you.
Buffy
*****
//It's not that I can't live without you
It's just that I don't even wanna try
Every night I dream about you
Ever since the day we said goodbye
If I wasn't such a fool
Right now I'd be holding you
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
Baby, if I only knew
The words to say
The road to take
To find the way back to your heart\\
Dear Buffy,
I'm wearing the ring now, and it's around two a.m., so it doesn't do me much good. I know you're going to hate me when I tell you what I'm going to tell you, but I also think you knew this was what I was going to do with the Gem and that that is the real reason you didn't bring it yourself.
I'm gonna destroy it.
It belongs with someone who really needs it, and I don't. Doyle thinks it's my redemption, but I know better. What I'm looking for won't come for a very long time, if it ever does, which I doubt. I'm thinking there has to be some better way to explain this to you, but every time I try to write the words, they come out like this. Cold, emotionless, and that's now how I wanted to see.
I love you Buffy. And I love you for giving me the ring. I love Oz for bringing it to me and I love Giles for allowing it. You are the best family I could ever have and I miss you so much it hurts sometimes (that last part was really just about you, though I like the guys fine.) more than I think I can bear.
I've been outside many mornings, waiting for the sun. I always run inside like the chicken that I am, but I also know that one of these days, it'll come.
I'll stand there and feel the sun burn through my skin and know this is the right thing for everyone I've ever known and the only woman I've ever loved.
And when I destroy the ring later tonight, after the sun has set again, I'll feel, maybe only slightly, but still there, that I did the right thing and that the Powers That Be are pleased with me.
Love always and forever,
Angel