AUTHOR: Goddess Isa
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com
SUMMARY: Number four in my Letters series. Don't know what to make of this one, to be honest wit ya
SPOILER: Fear, Itself and I Fall To Pieces
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =) Of course, all my work is at my page - http://planetslaythis.homestead.com
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P
RATING: TV-PG
DISCLAIMER: Joss Whedon and David Greenwalt get all the real credit here. I just like to bend these characters to my will, mostly 'cause they're so damned flexible. Celine owns the song. Don't act surprised g
//If I were you
My prized possessions
Would be the ones
I'd hold so close
You lose what means the most\\
Dear Angel,
Happy Halloween!! I don't remember how big you were or weren't on Halloween, especially since Giles said the undead shy away from Halloween. I know you're not the usual vampire, but you also like to keep to yourself, so I'm just curious what you plan on doing for the holiday.
I've always loved Halloween. I guess it's the whole idea of costumes, dressing up, being someone else for the night. I was short on time this year, so I went as Little Red Riding Hood, wearing the same costume I'd worn in seventh grade. The dress was kind of tight, not surprisingly, but I think it added to the 'little girl' look I was going for.
Maybe I just looked stupid, I don't know.
Did you do anything fun for the Holiday? We went to a party at a Frat house and I got stabbed. You know, the usual.
We - well - I - just got back from Giles' house. We all sorta crashed there last night due to candy burnout. Giles had pounds and I was a pig. We all ate a lot, but I kept sneaking my wrappers into Xander's pile. I think he noticed, but he never said a word.
I wasn't just snacking though. I was drowning my sorrows.
Ever since you left, my game's been off. Will and Giles have noticed, but they try to hide their disappointment. I'm not sure either of them really know what my problem is.
I'm not sure I know.
I know why I'm upset, I just don't know why I can't make myself get past it. I mean, I know you're not....wherever you are in LA, moping over me. You're helping people. And pissing the Hell out of Spike, which always makes me happy.
I hope you had a nice holiday. I know that you probably didn't, you were probably stopping some sort of night demon that doesn't care when Halloween comes, but I want to tell myself you had fun anyway. I know that deep down, you're the type to dress up and hand out candy. You'd give each kind a handful and some, a whole bag. When you ran out, you'd give pennies, quarters, whatever you had. You're a good person Angel, the kind who gives of himself and always puts others first.
I know that's why we're apart, you're trying to put me first. And while I know right now, you think us being apart is what's really best, I know that in the future, you're going to see.
You'll see that we belong together, that we're meant to be, and you'll come home to me.
And I'm counting the moments until that happens.
I'm counting them and pushing myself. I know in my heart if I can just make myself accept the fact that we'll meet again one day, I can muddle through for now. I hope I can get my heart straight soon, I've got a nasty bruise from a lame-ass vamp the other night. Told you my game was off.
I love you.
Buffy.
*****
//Simple pleasures
The hardest to be found
Can't be measured
'Till they're not around\\
Dear Buffy,
Did you have a good Halloween? I remember how much you like the holiday. I know I was still sort of out of it last year, but I remember your costume. You came to see me on your way to Xander's party, all decked out as a vampire. I remember you touched my hair and blew me a kiss. You told me you were scared and that you didn't know how to help me. I carry those words with me till this day, Buffy.
You've always shown me that you cared for me more than I deserved. You've always cared for everyone more than they deserved (and by that, I'm talking about Xander).
I thought of you today, even during all the crime fighting, as Cordelia sometimes calls it. We dealt with this unusual demon, she might've mentioned him to you. He wasn't really a demon, just a screwed up human who could detach his parts to spy on and torture this woman. Not a big thrill. It was the kind of thing you'd expect from Stephen King. Oh, better not mention that to Doyle, he'll phone the poor man during his physical therapy.
When I first moved here, Willow sent me a bunch of pictures. I'm not sure how she managed this, but she had one of you on Halloween. Your wig was a mess, your dress torn, and you looked beautiful. It reminded me of that night, and how you said you dressed that way for me. I don't know if I ever really made something clear to you, Buffy.
You don't ever have to do anything to impress me, or make me love you, or want you. Just the way you are, just the things you do, make me love you, want you. I desire everything about you, and I don't want you to change for anyone ever, but especially not for me.
It would do me a lot of good to actually send you this letter, but God knows I never will. Much as I want to, I'm not yet up to the challenge.
I'm finally starting to accept us being apart. I know I'm the one that did it, but until today, I've thought about taking a sun bath just about every night since I left Sunnydale. Granted, I took a brief one in there, but I was protected. Nothing should ever hold the power the Gem of Amara held. It's inhumane.
I'm going to keep these letters forever. And someday, when Willow writes to tell me you've gotten married, or had a baby, I'll turn to these letters and remember why I gave you up so long ago. I'll remember the hurt and be glad that you finally got your happiness. I'll know I was right, and I'll finally be glad that I did what I did. That has to happen Buffy, because right now, it's too much to think about.
Love always,
Angel