AUTHOR: Goddess Isa
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com
SUMMARY: This is the eighth story in my Letters series. This one may be a tear jerker, so be forewarned.
SPOILER: Pangs & I Will Remember You
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =) It'll also be on my page - http://planetslaythis.homestead.com
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P
RATING: TV-PG
DISCLAIMER: Joss and David are evil, evil men. I love 'em, but they're evil!! Bad, bad writers/directors/executive producers! 'I Will Remember You' is by Amy Grant, and it makes me cry just to play the song, let alone imagine it in Buffy and Angel's world.
//I will be walking one day
Down a street far away
And see a face in a crowd
And smile
Knowing how you made me laugh
Hearing sweet echoes of you from the past
I will remember you\\
Dear Angel,
My eyes are absolutely filled with tears as I write this. I know, I just know in my heart, that we shared a kiss while I was in LA, and at the same time, my head knows we barely got close enough to brush hands.
Do you know how I feel about you, Angel? Do you know how it killed me to go see you and be cold as ice? I could barely do it. I think I was crying before I was even out of the building.
I'm pretty lucky I didn't get into a car wreck, actually I drove to the beach and walked around the sand for hours, just thinking of you, of us.
When you left in May, you made a decision that tore me apart. And now I'm making one.
I'm never, ever, going to see you again, Angel.
I just don't think I can handle it. I mean, here I sit in my hotel room, clutching Mr. Gordo in one hand and your leather jacket in the other, and all I can feel is your lips on mine, you arms around me, our bodies melting together as one.
Can you remember how it felt, Angel? Can you still feel what it was like to be in bed together? To make love?
I'm thankful you will never see this letter now, because I couldn't bear to ever show it to you.
I'm going home tomorrow, but it isn't really home, it's the dorm. Willow is there, and she'll hold me while I cry. She'll tell me she's sorry and that she'll kick your ass if she ever sees you again. I know she won't, she would never try, not even if you were a weakling and she was the strongest Wiccan in the world. Even so, it's nice to hear. Sometimes I think you need a good ass-kicking.
And I need to never hold your hand again, and sometimes, I think I need to die already and let another Slayer take over this damn gig so I can go wherever Kendra is and see if it really does get better from here.
And I'll wait there forever Angel, because I will always remember your face, and your kindness, and the way you loved me. In the end, the final end, we'll be together.
Love FOREVER,
Buffy
*****
//Later on
When this fire is an ember
Later on
When the night's not so tender
Given time
Though it's hard to remember, darling
I will be holding
I'll still be holding to you
So please remember
I will remember you\\
Dear Buffy,
No matter how long I live, how long I'm stuck on Earth in this Hellacious excuse for a life, I'll love you. I'll think of you and desire you and wish more than anything I could be with you.
And I'll always know I can't.
I never send these letters - I don't want to cause you any more heartbreak than I already have. I write one every week though, sometimes more, and I pour my heart and soul into them
We shared something special, Buffy. We shared a night of passion like nothing else anyone on this Earth will ever feel. We made love and it was amazing. Holding you in my arms, kissing you, feeling our hearts race together, it was the greatest gift I could ever receive. And even though you'll never know it happened, I want to tell you about it. Maybe someday, someone will find these letters and know what we meant to each other.
Hey, maybe we'll become one of those romantic movies you love so much. There's no actress that could ever match your beauty, but I'm sure our daughter, if we had been lucky enough to have one, would've been close.
With everything that's happened, I keep thinking about what could've been. I would've married you today Buffy, and I wish to God I could have. I know you don't remember what happened between us, but nothing has ever hurt me so much as having you cry in my arms as our future slipped away from us.
There will always be days when I wish I had said to Hell with the future and tried to keep it up, tried to help you fight when the time came.
I also know that we both would've died, and you likely would've died saving me.
I think knowing that makes me love you even more.
I'll probably never let me see you again Buffy, and that's for the best. But I'll see you all the time. In my dreams, in my mind, when I sneak into Sunnydale and watch you, even when I know I shouldn't.
All the things that you'll do without me, I want to be there. I'll never let you know it, but I'm gonna be there when you graduate from college, and I'll watch you walk down the aisle, and someday, I'll watch you play with your children. Maybe all those things will give me the closure I need to stop hating myself and the Fates.
Probably not, but there's no way of knowing, is there?
I love you, Buffy. Always, forever, and then some.
Angel