AUTHOR: Goddess Isa
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com
SUMMARY: Each of the Slayerettes talk about their feelings after the prom
SPOILER: The Prom, hints on GD1 & 2
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =)
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P
RATING: TV-14
DISCLAIMER: Xander is mine and everyone else belongs to Joss. Okay, Joss may've given our dear Xand life, but he lives at my house and is my love slave. He eats when I tell him to eat, sleeps when I tell him to sleep, and he even kissed my toes the other day. It's great having him around g
AUTHOR'S NOTES....I didn't want to have to put each person's name above their entry, but my friend told me it was just a bit hard to figure out, so I did it anyways. I'm not happy about it g
*~*Buffy*~*
I wanted to hate him and I just can't. Hating him would mean my heart turning to stone. If I lose Angel forever, I lose everything, including who and what I am. That's why I keep telling myself that he's going to come home.
//I had it all
But I let it slip away
Couldn't stand to be in your arms
Now I wander around
Feeling down and cold
Trying to believe that you're gone\\
*~*Angel*~*
I don't like the idea of keeping a journal. It's too easy for someone, anyone, to get a hold of it and use it against you.
All that complaining took up half a page.
I keep seeing Buffy in my head as I write. She's crying at my feet, telling me not to leave her.
Is she going to do that come Graduation Day? After the Ascension is passed and we're either dead or alive, is she going to beg me to stay? Will she just break? I can't stand the thought of her like that. So alone and small and weak.
So why the Hell am I the one making her this way?
//Love takes time
To heal when you're hurting so much
I couldn't see that I was blind
To let you go
I can't erase the pain
Inside
'Cause love takes time
I don't wanna be here alone\\
*~*Xander*~*
I started keeping a journal, when? Around Christmastime? I'd never written like that before in my life. When Will and I were eight, I wrote a bit in her diary, just to bug her, but I wrote about bugs and snakes living under her bed and not what was in my heart.
When Cordy caught me kissing Will, I wanted to start a journal. I should've started one longer ago. I've always had so many bottled up feelings and I really needed to get them out. Oh well, no time like the present.
I'm an ass. I never do anything right. Best thing I've done in ages was stocking up when Target had that damned twelve-cents-a-piece notebook sale. I bought five dollars worth and I've used seventeen of those babies so far. Pretty impressive for about six months, huh?
Tonight was our senior prom. Well, last night was, it's nine a.m. but I haven't been to bed. Er, I haven't been to sleep. I've been lying in bed, doodling and writing for ages now.
Very little excitement *ever* in the life of Xander Harris, and yet I could write a book in a day. I can and do write about nothing forever. Pathetic much?
I guess the truth is that I've been dancing around the truth all night.
Buffy's hurting right now, more than any of us can imagine. And I'm such a fuckin' idiot because all I can do is hope and pray I get a shot with her at some point. Isn't that sick of me?
I've loved three girls my entire life for three different reasons. I've already lost two of them this year and I can't lose the third.
God, I'm selfish. Selfish and pigheaded and evil and awful and just plain rotten.
Maybe I should be a demon. Then if I died, it wouldn't be a loss.
Oh, who am I kidding now? Buffy and Willow would mourn over me for no reason. Cordy and Giles might be upset, but not in the same way.
I loathe myself.
Maybe Angel shouldn't leave. I can't believe I'm saying that, but I think it's true. He should probably stay. His exit is setting me up for a heartache I know I can't handle.
//Losing my mind
From this hallow in my heart
Suddenly I'm so incomplete
Lord, I'm needing you now
Tell me how to stop the rain
Tears are falling down endlessly\\
*~*Buffy*~*
I'm numb. One hundred percent without emotion. And Angel did this.
He took away my smile and my laughter and my will to live.
I've been in bed in my prom dress for a week. Mom's in San Francisco until the day before graduation on business, so she has no idea.
I bet I look like shit. No, I know I do. My dress is a mess, I'm sure the most expensive cleaners in LA couldn't fix what I've done to it. Even so, I can't bear to take it off. As Willow once said, when all you have left to hold onto a person is a thing, that thing becomes you. I do *not* want to know where her PEZ witch goes at night, thank you very much.
I could see how bad I look every time I go into the bathroom, but I smashed the mirror on prom night. There may still be a shard or two of glass in my hand. Gotta get that out one of these days.
It would be easier to just die.
I wish I could die.
//Love takes time
To heal when you're hurting so much
I couldn't see that I was blind
To let you go
I can't erase the pain
Inside
'Cause love takes time
I don't wanna be here alone\\
*~*Cordelia*~*
Someone famous, I don't remember who, once said that moving was like dying because you leave something behind and it's never, ever coming back.
What about change? Is it death too? Is everything a form of death?
Graduation is tomorrow. The Ascension. Live or die, that's what this has come down to. We all gather, we all fight, we all hope to live.
When I heard Willow talking and I found out that Anya skipped town, I was a bit jealous of her. When I found out that she asked Xander to go and he said no, I was thrilled.
Xander will never know what it meant to me that he bought that dress for me. I never could've done it, I worked there two and a half months and couldn't make enough money for a lousy prom dress.
If I hadn't had the dress, I couldn't have gone to prom, and that would've been worse than being locked in a shark tank.
Xander's my hero, you know?
I wonder if he knows.
Probably not. He probably just wanted to buy me the dress because he's got a big heart and I saw the hurt in his face when I attacked him verbally at the store. I saw the look in his eyes when he lied for me at the library. He would do anything for me.
Anything except realize that I love him.
Anything except love me back.
//You might say that it's over
You might say that you don't care
You might say you don't miss me
You don't need me
But I know that you do
And I feel that you do inside\\
*~*Willow*~*
I felt a lot of things on prom night. For the first time in my life, I felt beautiful. It was wonderful when Buffy showed up, perfect when Angel came. Long overdue when she won the Class Protector award.
I felt a very odd sense of betrayal when I found out that Xander had paid for Cordelia's dress. It was one of the sweetest things he's ever done, I think, and I know she wasn't bragging when she told me, she was beaming with happiness. I hope I didn't look upset or jealous or anything. I *am* happy she got her dress and that my best friend is such a wonderful person.
I'm jealous of Anya though, because she's his date. I know she likes him, but she doesn't love him the way that I do. She couldn't possibly. Even Cordelia cares for him more than Anya does, but it's not what we would've had. I'm the one that loves him. I'm the one that is always there for him. And who does he take on his arm to the senior prom, our last dance?
I know I had Oz and that I was going to go with him even if Xander had asked. And Cordelia wouldn't have gone with Xander even if he had asked her. I guess I just felt like Anya didn't belong at our prom at all. She's not part of the Scooby Gang, not really. Sure, she's wormed her way into our little group, but she's still not a full-fledged member.
She came today when we got Buffy out of bed for the first time since the dance. We had an 'Anti-Ascension' type of meeting and Anya came with Xander, as though they were together. The way he backed away whenever she got close told me he wasn't interested, and that made me smile. I mean, I understand that she wants to help us out, but no thanks. We don't need your help to die horrible deaths at the hand of our town's mayor.
I look at Buffy though, and she puts on this brave face. It's almost like a vampire with their game face. Here, see this part of me, ignore what's really there.
I feel for her so much. I know I'm with Oz, but my heart wants someone else. That ship has sailed, I know, but I can't help wishing I could make it on board at the last minute.
//Love takes time
To heal when you're hurting so much
I couldn't see that I was blind
To let you go
I can't erase the pain
Inside
'Cause love takes time
I don't wanna be here alone\\
*~*Oz*~*
I have no right to say I lost her, because I never tried hard enough to get her.
It's always been Cordelia, the smile, the body, the walk. The way she pretends not to care but really does. It's always been her.
She's the missing passion. My pain, everything I don't already have is about Cordelia. Every song I write, every breath I take, it's for Cordelia.
I do have Willow, and I care about Willow. I think a switcharoo should've happened at the prom.
Cordelia and I could've paired up while Xander took Willow and Anya the Annoying could've danced with Wesley the Weird.
God, this is gonna make one shitty song. Devon's gonna kill me. If the Mayor doesn't do it first.