Author : Sayuri
A parody of the gameshow, featuring the cast of the Phantom menace. I'll be posting it round by round (8 rounds).
Rating : PG - Pure Mindless idiocy. Filled with useless trivia. Have fun.
Disclaimer - The Star Wars Universe is not mine, obviously. The weakest Link is also the brainchild of another. This is Fan Fiction. I make no money from it, just the enjoyment of writing, and of making fun of Jar Jar.
Note: I hate Jar Jar Binks. I have utterly no respect for him. None. It makes my stomach turn to think that he survived to be in Episode II. Just keep that in mind :-)
Feedback : Yes, please. (Unless it has something to do with Jar Jar) sayuri@drakmail.net
During commercial break...
"You can almost smell the fear." Darth Maul remarked to his Master, Darth Sidious. He kept his predator eyes fixed unnervingly on the younger of the two remaining Jedi. The Padawan noticed his stare and squirmed uncomfortably. Satisfied with himself, Darth Maul turned to his Master.
"I like her style. She veritably burns with dark side energy." Sidious said, turning to Darth Maul. Darth Maul regarded Anne thoughtfully. "If you ever displease me, I can take her as my apprentice." Sidious added in an offhand way. Darth Maul was careful not to allow his expression to change. Fiery wrath burned in his eyes and he did not reply. He did the only thing he could under the circumstances to sublimate his rage. He turned his gaze back on Obi Wan.
Meanwhile on the lightside, Qui Gon and Obi Wan were in conference. "Don't let her intimidate you, my Padawan." Qui Gon instructed Obi Wan. Obi Wan glanced over his shoulder at the Sith apprentice who was, for some reason, glaring at him. He squirmed and turned back to Qui-Gon. "I'm not--" He started, but was cut off by his master. "And don't let the Sith intimidate you either. We need you to be thinking clearly, Obi Wan. We need to outlast the Sith. Yoda's already been eliminated. This is a matter of pride for the Jedi. Do you understand?"
Obi Wan nodded, and then flinched when he saw the Sith glaring at him once more. Qui Gon sighed and went back to his place as the commercials ended and the game commenced.
"We start with the strongest link from the last round. Qui-Gon." Without any further preamble she dove into the questions. What is the approximate population of coruscant?" Qui-Gon grinned, he lived on coruscant. "One trillion sentients."
She turned to Anakin. "Anakin, What is a morrt?" Anakin's blank look spoke volumes. "Umm...a morrt is a...er...guy who hangs out in the cantina! He's really sinister looking. I think he's a bounty hunter!"
"A morrt is a Gamorrean parasite." The chain broke. "Jar Jar. What is unique about the Peko-Peko's blood?" Jar Jar swung his head back and forth. "Gungan use Peko-Peko. Stop blood from going bad." Jar Jar replied archly, scratching at his ear. She looked down at her notes. "I'll accept that. The Gungans use it as an anti-venom." Darth Maul ground his teeth, producing an awful screetch that shorted out the microphones for a moment.
"Darth Sidious." The hostess spoke when the microphones had come back on. "How many platforms are in the senate amphitheatre?"
"1,024." Sidious replied gravely.
"Amidala,"
"Bank."
"True or False. The Metal Mercury is liquid at room temperature?" Amidala nodded an affirmative. "True." She responded. Anne nodded curtly. "Correct." She turned to the Jedi Padawan, who stared at her wide eyed. "Obi Wan, What planet are Twi'leks from?"
"Twi'Lek?"
"Ryloth." The Chain broke.
"Maul, the Exploration of caves is called, what?"
"Spelunking."
"Correct."
She turned to the Jedi Knight. "Qui-Gon. What's the name of the Jedi tradition where lightsabers are exchanged as a sign of mutual trust?" She asked. Qui-Gon shrugged. "I didn't realize there was a specific name for it." Anne glanced at him sharply. "The Concordance of Fealty." She turned away with thinly veiled contempt.
"Anakin. In human physiology, blood is carried through the body by veins and arteries. What is the difference between the two?"
"Can I get a lifeline ma'am?"
Anne hissed between her teeth. "Wrong show, young man, and wrong answer. Arteries carry blood away from the heart, while veins carry it to the heart." She gave him one final glare before moving on to Jar Jar, who had somehow gotten his hand stuck in the little contestant desk in front of him.
"Jar Jar. What is the formal Naboo alphabet called?"
"Meesa don't know. Meesa hand stuck. My hand!" Jar Jar slipped and did a full somersault, landing ingloriously on his back. Amidala rushed over to help him dislodge his hand.
Anne shook her head in disgust. "Futhark."
"Sidious. What does the name 'Coruscant' mean?" . Darth Maul pinched his lips together and wondered whether his master were using the force to influence what question's were asked. All Sidious' questions seemed to have to do with coruscant politics. "Sparkling or gleaming, scintillating, Anne." Sidious replied with a casual familiarity.
"Amidala--"
"Bank!"
"How many Jedi are based on Coruscant?" Anne asked her. Amidala shrugged. "I have no idea." She replied, not wanting to waste the team's time.
"10,000."
"Obi Wan, what is kinetic energy?"
"It is the force that...er..." Drawing a blank, he made a guess. "holds living things together and --"
The energy of movement." Anne cut him off.
"Darth Maul. Place 6.00g SbCl5 (Antimony Pentachloride) in a 2.00L Container at 448oC. What will the equilibrium concentration of each species be, at this temperature, if K= 2.51 * 10 -2, and if:
SbCL5 (g) <--> SbCL3 (g) + Cl 2 (g).
It is given that,
Sb = 121.75 g/mol and Cl = 35.45 g/mol.
Your answer, Maul?"
Maul's jaw dropped slightly. His eys began to dart back and forth very quickly. "Ahh... Cl2 would be the same as... the...er...SbCl3 at 0.00766 mol/L. And the..." He trailed off. Suddenly his eyes snapped up to the hostess. "The Antimony Pentachloride would be 0.00234 mol/L" He glared at her triumphantly.
"That is correct, but it won't be counted because you've run out of time." She replied with a barely concealed smirk. Maul slumped against the pedestal, defeated. "Of a possible $125,000.00 you have banked $7,000.00. That will bring your total to a pathetic $10,500.00 of a possible $250,000.00. It will move to the next round, but one of you will be put out of your misery. Which one of you will be Bantha fodder? And so we vote, for the weakest link."
Again the players made their vote. Jar Jar swinging his head back and forth, trying to read who his neighbours had voted for. Sidious zapped him in the nose with a blue bolt of lightning. "Owwwwie!" Sidious waved his hand under the Gungan's nose and turned back to his own desk. The Gungan hastily scrawled his vote.
Statistically, Anakin is the weakest link, with two questions wrong. Darth Maul is the strongest link, having answered all his questions correctly. But Amidala has banked the most money. Will the other players have noticed?
The hostess paced in front of the players. Sidious, Maul and Jar Jar, had once again formed a sort of triad. They had voted for Anakin. Amidala and Obi-Wan had chosen Sidious. Anakin stayed true to his earlier judgement and picked Maul, while Qui-Gon had already tired of Jar Jar's antics.
She stopped before Anakin. A vicious glint in her eye. "Why are you here, young man?" She queried. "To help win the money. We're going to build a Jedi daycare." He said airily. "Perhaps, you're on the wrong show. You need to answers correctly to win the money, Anakin. You haven't done that. But you voted off Maul. Do you feel he is not carrying his weight?"
Anakin glared over at Maul. "He murdered Master Qui-Gon! He's a monster." Anakin exclaimed. Darth Maul stifled a yawn. "I'm right here, Anakin." Qui-Gon objected. Anakin didn't appear to hear Qui Gon. He continued to glare at Maul. "Monster or not, he is the strongest link, in this round." Anne replied. "Would you like to guess who was the weakest link, Anakin?"
"But I'm only nine years old!" He objected. "No. You are the weakest link. Goodbye." Anakin jumped down from the box he'd been standing on and did the walk of shame. He narrowed his eyes at Anne as he walked by.
Post Round interview with the weakest link...
"I feel I shouldn't have been voted off so soon. They'll be sorry! One day I will rise up against them all. One day they'll quake in terror of my name. But first I have to finish my Jedi training."
Round three is on the way....