A/N: An angsty letter from Harry to Hermione, during their years at Hogwarts. I think I like writing the angst-filled letters to Hermione ^_^ Poor 'mione deals with everyone's silly problems! Anywayz, let me know what you think - even if you don't like it. I know it's not that great, bit out of character, but it's the about the best I seem to be getting out these days. :\ Anyone willing to led me their muse? I promise to feed it and love it and hug it every second day! I have a feeling I'm verging on rambling so I shall stop now and let you read a not-so-great letter to Hermione, from our favourite scarred boy!
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---- Thank you, Hermione ----
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Dear Hermione,
You're probably wondering why I'm writing to you, when we see each other every day. The truth is, I don't know. This kind of stuff I just can't bring myself to speak about. I can't talk to Ron about it - he'd think I was a git, and Sirius has better things to do than spend his time reading stupid letters, so that just leaves you. You're not my last choice, Hermione, you're my only choice, so please don't get mad.
This will probably sound silly, but I'm scared about the future, Hermione. Scared about what I'll become. I don't want to be an adult, and I don't want a ministry job. I'm scared that I'll never amount to anything exciting and everyone will be disappointed in me. Though I'm sure they already are - sometimes I feel they expect me to be some kind of god, someone like my father or even Dumbledore. Silly, isn't it, that I should care about what others think of me after living with those who didn't for so long.
Or maybe that's just it - is that what it is? I like to feel wanted? I need to feel wanted? Sounds like something Malfoy would say, doesn't it? I think he's slowly getting to me. Urg. But even if, deep down, I do like this stupid attention, I would rather live without it. I didn't ask for any of this. I wonder what it'll be like when I finish Hogwarts - will Rita Skeeter follow me around for the rest of my life, trying to dig up something on my miserable life? Bet she'd have a field day if she found this letter. I'm sure there'll be nothing interesting to print once I finish school. That is, if I make it through.
I'm scared that I have nothing to live for, nothing to look forward to. I'm scared that I don't know what's coming, and I'm scared of what might find me in the future. Voldemort had so many supporters - supporters we'll probably never know about. And they'll all be after me, after me for what I've done, for what they think I'm capable of.
Sometimes I'm too scared to go to sleep, too scared to wake. I don't want to leave the common room, don't want to return.
Sometimes it feels as if I'm losing my mind, and those times are the worst of all. I cry, wishing my parents were around. Wishing that Tom had never become Voldemort, that my parents had never known him, that Wormtail - that lying sack of beetle dung - had kept his promise, or Sirius had been their secret keeper as planned. I wonder how my life would be if they'd survived? What I'd do to have a Dursley-free life. I'd have been brought up like a regular wizard, slightly ignorant about muggles, but for what my mother would tell me, with my father giving me his invisibility cloak himself. And not only that, but I'd be able to enjoy the little things - like cheering on our favourite Quidditch teams, and going to Yule Balls at Sirius's place, celebrating Halloweeen at Lupin's. I know I'd have been happy, Hermione. So bloody happy.
But I know it's no use wishing for the impossible, or the 'what ifs', because the 'what ifs' can never be changed, and I have to live with what's been set before me.
Do you believe in fate? I think it's fate that we all met up on the Hogwarts Express that day. I think it's fate that we became friends. I think it's fate that we were all placed in Gryffindor. We complete each other. Without you and Ron, I wouldn't be alive. If you two weren't around I wouldn't be where I am, who I am. And despite everything, I am thankful for that. Very thankful.
I'm glad you are there for me, and Ron, and the Weasleys, and Hagrid. I will never forget the day Hagrid told me I was a wizard. It was one of the best of my life. Before I came to Hogwarts I never knew why so many people thought they were happy, when I'd never known happiness myself, and never understood how strong an emotion it is. But now I know what it is, I never want to be unhappy again. No matter how scared I get, I will think of the happy times we've had and even when nothing else works, it seems to make me feel better.
I'd better go, the sun just rose and I need to get some sleep because we have Potions first thing this morning. I really, really hate Snape. I don't care what Dumbledore says about him, he's a horrible person and I don't think he'll ever change.
I'm sorry if I bored you, I just needed to get it out. And I wanted to thank you. So, thanks Hermione, thank you for everything.
Love,
Harry.
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(¯`'·.¸(¯`'·.¸ ¸.·'´¯)¸.·'´¯)
---- Thank you, Hermione ----
(_¸.·'´(_¸.·'´ `'·.¸_)`'·.¸_)
Dear Hermione,
You're probably wondering why I'm writing to you, when we see each other every day. The truth is, I don't know. This kind of stuff I just can't bring myself to speak about. I can't talk to Ron about it - he'd think I was a git, and Sirius has better things to do than spend his time reading stupid letters, so that just leaves you. You're not my last choice, Hermione, you're my only choice, so please don't get mad.
This will probably sound silly, but I'm scared about the future, Hermione. Scared about what I'll become. I don't want to be an adult, and I don't want a ministry job. I'm scared that I'll never amount to anything exciting and everyone will be disappointed in me. Though I'm sure they already are - sometimes I feel they expect me to be some kind of god, someone like my father or even Dumbledore. Silly, isn't it, that I should care about what others think of me after living with those who didn't for so long.
Or maybe that's just it - is that what it is? I like to feel wanted? I need to feel wanted? Sounds like something Malfoy would say, doesn't it? I think he's slowly getting to me. Urg. But even if, deep down, I do like this stupid attention, I would rather live without it. I didn't ask for any of this. I wonder what it'll be like when I finish Hogwarts - will Rita Skeeter follow me around for the rest of my life, trying to dig up something on my miserable life? Bet she'd have a field day if she found this letter. I'm sure there'll be nothing interesting to print once I finish school. That is, if I make it through.
I'm scared that I have nothing to live for, nothing to look forward to. I'm scared that I don't know what's coming, and I'm scared of what might find me in the future. Voldemort had so many supporters - supporters we'll probably never know about. And they'll all be after me, after me for what I've done, for what they think I'm capable of.
Sometimes I'm too scared to go to sleep, too scared to wake. I don't want to leave the common room, don't want to return.
Sometimes it feels as if I'm losing my mind, and those times are the worst of all. I cry, wishing my parents were around. Wishing that Tom had never become Voldemort, that my parents had never known him, that Wormtail - that lying sack of beetle dung - had kept his promise, or Sirius had been their secret keeper as planned. I wonder how my life would be if they'd survived? What I'd do to have a Dursley-free life. I'd have been brought up like a regular wizard, slightly ignorant about muggles, but for what my mother would tell me, with my father giving me his invisibility cloak himself. And not only that, but I'd be able to enjoy the little things - like cheering on our favourite Quidditch teams, and going to Yule Balls at Sirius's place, celebrating Halloweeen at Lupin's. I know I'd have been happy, Hermione. So bloody happy.
But I know it's no use wishing for the impossible, or the 'what ifs', because the 'what ifs' can never be changed, and I have to live with what's been set before me.
Do you believe in fate? I think it's fate that we all met up on the Hogwarts Express that day. I think it's fate that we became friends. I think it's fate that we were all placed in Gryffindor. We complete each other. Without you and Ron, I wouldn't be alive. If you two weren't around I wouldn't be where I am, who I am. And despite everything, I am thankful for that. Very thankful.
I'm glad you are there for me, and Ron, and the Weasleys, and Hagrid. I will never forget the day Hagrid told me I was a wizard. It was one of the best of my life. Before I came to Hogwarts I never knew why so many people thought they were happy, when I'd never known happiness myself, and never understood how strong an emotion it is. But now I know what it is, I never want to be unhappy again. No matter how scared I get, I will think of the happy times we've had and even when nothing else works, it seems to make me feel better.
I'd better go, the sun just rose and I need to get some sleep because we have Potions first thing this morning. I really, really hate Snape. I don't care what Dumbledore says about him, he's a horrible person and I don't think he'll ever change.
I'm sorry if I bored you, I just needed to get it out. And I wanted to thank you. So, thanks Hermione, thank you for everything.
Love,
Harry.