A Reason Why?
Author: Gryffyn
Copyright 2001
Rated PG (recommended) Because I don't feel this issues should be hidden from anyone, odds are the average teen could tell you
more about this than any five specialists.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, I don't make any money off of them, and I'm just a fan who likes to write.
Warning: This piece may upset readers as it touches subject matters that include suicide, low self-esteem and self-mutilation and hints
of child abuse.
Notes: If this sounds like you or anyone you know, please seek help, professional by preference. But at least tell someone, keeping it
bottled up inside only causes more damage.
*************
Lucas glared at the door to his quarters, exasperation showing in every muscle of his jaw. He just couldn't believe the nerve of that woman, doctor or not who did she think she was? 'Oh just put your feelings down on paper, like you did with that lovely poem. If you did it once you can do it again.' Was the woman daft? He'd have to let Kristen know what he thought of that bubbling twit of a shrink they'd saddled him with. Or maybe he could just play a few mind games with her, now that was a plan.
The blonde teen groaned inwardly. He couldn't do that to Kristen though, she'd helped him through so much already. Besides he wasn't sure if his UEO record could take another incident right now. After his suicide attempt a few weeks ago Lucas was amazed that he'd been allowed to stay on board. Captain Bridger and Dr. Westphalen seemed to think it would have done more harm by having him removed. Still he had always had trouble expressing his true feelings. The 'lovely poem' the twit thought so highly of had taken a lot out of him, and then more when he realized that it may be the last words his friends heard from him.
Just then there was a knock on the door, pulling Lucas' attention back to the real world. "Hey kiddo, how's it going? How are you?"
"Just fine Captain, you?" I was trying to keep hold of the sarcasm, but judging by Nathan's face, I wasn't doing that good a job. Man I can't seem to do anything right. But lord how I hated those words.
"Not a good session eh, kiddo? Maybe I can talk to Noyce about getting another psychiatrist here. Perhaps you'd respond to a guy better?" The concern was plastered all over the older man's face. Boy did I feel like a heel
Sighing again I told him about the shrink's idea, and while not a bad idea, its just not something I could write at the drop of a hat.
He listened, as he always does. My own father never even did that. I was lucky if a conversation with my dad didn't end up with a black eye or a split lip, but that's another story. I guess that's one of the things that I admire most about the Captain, he never treated me as some snot-nosed kid. He seemed to actually value my opinion.
"Hmm, maybe its not the way she's asking you to present your feelings that's the problem, but more so that it is a rather broad topic to cover." He offered as he sat down on my bunk. "Perhaps you could pick a more specific topic, and see how it goes from there."
"Okay, and how am I supposed to just pick one, there are so many to chose from," I snorted "You must be so thrilled to have lunatic on your boat." More than a little disgusted with myself for even thinking that let alone voicing it.
"That's nonsense and you know it Lucas." Reprimanded the Captain "As to where to start, why don't you write about the most noticeable outward signs of your distress."
When I just looked at him blankly, the Captain gently took hold of my left arm and pushed the long sleeve of my shirt to the elbow. Then turning ever so slowly he exposed the criss-crossing of small scars and burn marks. I couldn't look at him in the face, I was so sure no one knew about them. I must've been wearing my thoughts on my face because he softly asked, "Did you really think you could hide them? That I didn't know? You rarely wear anything that has short sleeves, are almost never seen in shorts and this is regardless of how hot the temperature gets. I had my suspicions that something was up, but it wasn't until a few weeks ago I was able to find out for sure. By then it was too late. Maybe if you wrote about why you did it, that might help."
I didn't know how to respond to that, so I just kept quiet. Nathan patted my shoulder, and slowly left my room. I thought about what he said and it made some sense. So I started tapping keys on my computer, when I finished this is what I came out with:
A Reason why?
How are you?
I am so sick of those words.
How am I supposed to be? Can you tell me?
'Cause I just don't know
And so I usually respond with "I'm fine."
Fine! I wish everything were so.
Instead it seems to be the furthest thing from the truth.
The blackness of the abyss is so close I can feel it,
And right now it's about the only thing I do.
I envy you; did you know that?
For you it looks so easy.
You don't seem to be consumed by the void, the silence.
Do you know what it's like when you can't cry?
I mean really can't, there's no tears, no sobs, no release.
To want to, need to but don't.
It feels like I'm cut off from my humanity.
Am I then more like a machine than flesh and bone?
Machines were never designed to feel, never supposed to.
I want to scream until I no longer have the voice to do so,
But I can't seem to do that either.
So that's where the matches, lighters, candles, pins, fingernails and more come out to play.
A touch here, a poke there or maybe a scratch,
Once or a hundred times it makes no difference,
From there I take it a little further, a little longer, a little deeper only to start it all over again.
Blisters, blood and grooves, they really can be quite beautiful you know.
Occasionally it doesn't work, but mostly I do it all to prove to myself just one thing,
That yes, I really can feel something even if it's only for a moment, just one moment.
Epilogue:
Nathan returned to mammal engineering later that day to check on his favorite crewmember, only to find the youth asleep at his desk. Carefully the Captain moved Lucas to his bunk and tucked him in. In so many ways Lucas reminded the older man of Robert, the son he'd lost and at that he smiled. Turning to switch the boy's computer off, Nathan noticed the poem sitting on the screen, and while he was aware that it was private he had to admit he was curious bout what Lucas ad written after all.
Once finished, he had to keep the unshed tears at bay, and whispered to the now snoring youth, "Yes kiddo, I think you're making fine progress. Just take it one step at a time" Then the captain of the seaQuest left, and returned to the bridge.