My
first Hornblower fic, and though it's not a good offering, upon hearing this
song this morning, I really couldn't resist.
I often wonder at the bond Archie and Horatio shared, at its depth, for
I get the feeling that if Horatio cares for anyone, he cares for them deeply,
with an intensity that often goes unnoticed.
I doubt he could mourn the loss of Archie with any less intensity.
Disclaimer: A&E owns Archie, Horatio,
Bush…okay, so they own all of it. I
just borrow.
**********************
Standing on the Edge
"I'll be
standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that one day you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping that someday
You'll come back to me
I'll be praying for whatever it's worth
Believing that one day you'll come back to me
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping for someday…"
~Blessd Union of Souls,
"Standing on the Edge of
the Earth"
It had
been the longest week of Horatio Hornblower's life. A week of being thrown from side to side, tossed about like a rag
doll, pulled in every direction and yet, unable to do anything. In the end, he hadn't done anything. And brave Horatio, daring Horatio, heroic
Horatio was pulled from the jaws of utter destruction by someone else. By Archie.
Archie, wounded and weak, saved him in the most selfless act Horatio had
ever seen.
It
didn't make much sense, and yet it did.
And as he stood on a cliff, overlooking the azure sea surrounding
Jamaica, Horatio felt completely lost.
It was as if someone had sucked all the drive, all the ambition, all the
daring out of him, and left him empty.
A hollow shell of a man. He
sighed, watching gulls fly carelessly across the sky as the sun began to set,
giving a glitter of pure gold to the azure water, lapis lazuli set in the
necklace of a queen. The gulls' cries
echoed across the expanse as they flew, living some
dance upon the winds. If only he was so
lucky. Horatio knew he'd never dart
across the sky so lightly; he was shackled to the earth with so many chains. Guilt, doubt, sorrow…those were the easiest
to name. They made sense, at least, in
the grander picture, though that was a picture Horatio couldn't see
anymore. There was no grander picture
at that point, only now, and only the moment when Archie had finally slipped
away for good. Like one of those gulls,
he'd flown out of Horatio's grasp. But
unlike the gulls, he'd left no feather behind to mark his passing in the world. The only mark was an indelible one on
Horatio's very soul. He'd sacrificed
everything in the end—his good name, his honour, for love of Horatio. And Horatio felt as if he couldn't live with that. It wasn't fair. Life rarely was, but this more so than anything else.
Archie was gone from his side.
Gone, never to return, unlike the miracle of finding him in that damned
Spanish prison. Horatio had pulled him from death's grasp
there. Why wasn't he able to do it
again? Why? Why had he let his friend give everything for him, then slip into
the hands of God? Horatio never really had a great deal
of faith in God, never felt that he applied to life. Life
was a question of courage,
honour and
getting along as well as a human being could.
God had nothing to do with it.
So why did he ponder the Almighty now?
There were too many questions, and the answers he lacked left a gaping
hole in him that gnawed at him and threatened to swallow him whole.
'I
hope you're not considering jumping,' came a voice from behind him. Horatio was startled for a second, and then simply shook his head.
'Not
at all, sir,' he replied dully as Bush walked to his side. Horatio spared the man a glance. He was still pale, and it was odd to see him
mostly out of uniform as he was, clad simply in his loose linen shirt and
uniform trousers. But he was still well kept, and Horatio
wondered if that honey brown hair would ever not be in a neat queue.
'I
should hope not, really. I've had
enough of naval officers hurling themselves into the sea,' Bush quipped softly,
turning his aquamarine gaze out to the water that seemed to stretch on to
eternity. He'd hoped maybe to get a
chuckle out of the serious young man, and it seemed it would take far more than
a silly quip to do so. He could almost
feel the anguish radiating off Horatio, an uncomfortable feeling to say the least. 'You could talk to me, if you wanted,' he
offered suddenly.
Horatio
seemed to ponder this for a moment.
'It's like we're standing on the edge of the world, did you ever think
of it like that? And just one step, and
we're gone. Everything about us just
falls off the edge, and we've been forgotten.'
It
was Bush's turn to pause now as he looked not at the sea, but at the
dark-haired young man next to him. 'Do
you think that's what has happened?'
'I
don't know!' he burst out suddenly, then softened. 'I don't know…'
'He's
gone, perhaps. But not forgotten, I can
see that.'
Horatio
shook his head. 'He gave up his good
name for me. To save me. He will be forgotten, and he died a
criminal…just for me.' His jaw clenched as he stared hard into the water, the sun
slipping beneath the crest of the waves.
'He
obviously cared for you. Held you in
great regard. Is that such a horrible
thing?'
'Yes. When it made Archie do something so…' Horatio's voice trailed off, and he simply
shook his head. 'I'm not worth the
sacrifice.'
'He
thought so,' Bush told him softly.
'That's what matters, you realise. That he gave you what he had
left to give because he wanted you to have it.'
Horatio
fell into contemplative, melancholy silence, watching the gulls dance on the
winds, the sea glitter with the last remnants of the sunset. 'But he'll never know…and I'll never see
him, never be able to thank him,' the young man whispered, biting back a tumult
of emotions.
'He
knows,' Bush insisted. 'He knows. Some people believe that the dead are never
really gone. They hover around us,
watching and waiting for the day when we join them. I like to think that.'
There was something infinitely sad about Bush in that moment, something
that ached with the same melancholy as Horatio ached, something too wise and
too knowing to be anything but experience.
'Do
you really think so?' he asked the older man quietly, still staring out to sea.
'Yes,
I do.'
Silence
once more, broken only by the calls of the gulls and the crash of the waves on
the rocks below. The island air was
still warm, still breathed sweetly upon the two lost in their own melancholy,
their own thoughts. Horatio sighed. What if Archie was still there, still
waiting, watching to make sure his gift wasn't in vain? It was possible. Horatio didn't know what to think, but something in him wanted to
cling to that hope, cling to that speck of light in the growing darkness, a
star to guide him. A star to make sure
he didn't sail off the edge of the world.
A silly thought, but he felt as if he might. He'd never admitted to Archie how much his companionship meant,
how much he'd relied on him as a friend.
Perhaps he knew, Horatio reflected.
He almost had to know, to be willing to give me my life at such a high cost. He looked over to Bush, to say something,
but he was gone, leaving Horatio alone with his thoughts once more.
Slowly,
one by one, the stars began to shine.
Like diamonds set in velvet, they glittered over Horatio's head, and he
looked up at them. 'Are you up there,
waiting for me? Are you?' The breeze blew harder, lifting his hair
from the back of his neck, and Horatio closed his eyes. 'There's no easy way to let go of you, is
there, Archie? All I can hope is
someday…someday I'll be up there with you…right by your side again, on the edge
of the earth together.'
Somewhere,
up in the heavens, a star shimmered a little brighter, hoping for the same
someday.
"Waiting for
someday Believing in someday Praying for someday, I'll be...
Longing for someday Clinging to someday Cherishing someday, I'll be...
Thinking of someday Dreaming of someday Wishing for someday, I'll be...
Living for someday Counting on someday Knowing that one day...
I will see you."
