The Marauders quietly tip-toed up to the girl's dorm one Saturday afternoon.
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" asked Peter Pettigrew nervously as they opened the Gryffindor girl's dorm door.
"Relax," said Sirius Black airly as they went in. No one was there. "We've got Lily warned-- who else is there to worry about?"
"I'm telling you, rigging the girl's dorm is the best idea we've had in a while," snickered James Potter, closing and locking the door magically. "Everyone's outside watching that Hufflepuff vs. Ravenclaw match, so no one's going to barge in on us."
"If you're sure," said Peter doubtfully.
"Look!" Remus Lupin pointed. "We can put some of those exploding candalabras over there."
"Excellent," congratulated Sirius. "It's a nice conspicous spot."
"And the wax will explode all over Martha Herrald's sheets," exclaimed James gleefully. Martha Herrald was possibly the most annoying girl in school and the Marauders had the fortune to be in the same house with her.
"We have GOT to stop picking on Martha," chuckled Sirius, "she's just too easy."
"Yeah, well, it helps that she was your girlfriend for a while," retorted Remus.
"A very short while," added Peter.
The boys set a small silvery candalabra, complete with candles and matches, on each bedside table. Each candalabra had a small card attached, reading "From a secret admirer. Instructions: burn the candles halfway down and find out who it is!"
: "They probably will know who it is," remarked James, "because only we would pull a prank this dirty."
"Hey, James, did you know Lily has a picture of you under her pillow?" asked Sirius, grinning wickedly. "I'll bet she kisses it goodnight."
James threw himself on Sirius and the two tussled briefly. Finally James grabbed a pillow and ended the match by making Sirius sneeze so hard he couldn't fight.
"Stop-- achoo! --that-- achoo! -- right now-- achoo! --Jimmy Sunshine," Sirius laughed between his sneezes.
That only made James grab another pillow and pummel him some more. "Don't--call--me--Jimmy--Sunshine," he said, punctuating each word with a buffet from the feather pillows. It was all good natured, of course, and both boys were enjoying it.
Grinning, Remus draped a large blanket over the two of them. This ended the match immediately, since neither could see underneath the satin. "Why don't you like to be called Jimmy Sunshine?" asked Remus innocently. "It is your name, after all."
"My name is James Daystar Potter ," came the muffled but dignified reply. "NOT Jimmy Sunshine."
"Besides, Jimmy Sunshine sounds like a whiskey," squeaked Peter.
Sirius struggled out of the blanket and put it and the pillows back on the bed. "Well, who says James isn't a-- hey, what was that?"
A large owl swooped through the open window, carrying a small letter. It dropped it on the headboard and promptly swept out again.
"It's addressed to Lily," remarked Sirius, picking it up.
"Leave for Lily, then," said James impatiently, but Sirius was already tearing open the letter.
"That's Snape's handwriting," Sirius frowned, tossing the envelope to James. "And I don't trust a thing that slimy git says."
"Read it out loud," squealed Peter. "Oh, do go on!"
"Here goes:
It is Severus. I must talk to you.
Meet me outside at the large oak tree just
left of the Whomping Willow at midnight
tomorrow. I have something to say that
cannot be said inside the school.
Yours,
Severus'."
The four were silent as the full effect of what Sirius was implying hit them. Finally, they had reactions.
"Jesus Christ!" said Remus, looking ill.
"DAMN that little son of a--" Sirius swore.
James simply rolled up his eyes and quietly fainted. Sirius swore again.
"Hey little girly man," he teased, kicking James gently, "at least I didn't FAINT. Wimpy, aren't you, Jimmy Sunshine?"
"I did not faint," came the quiet voice from the floor. "I simply find it easier to take this news sitting down. And my name is NOT JIMMY SUNSHINE!!"
"Lying down, you mean," joked Remus. "But you're taking up to much floor space."
This was no jest. James has streched his entire six foot two length on the floor and now there was hardly room to walk.
"You want serious floor coverage, I'm the man." Sirius streched out opposite James, occupying six feet five inches of the room's width. Between the two of them, Remus was forced to move to sitting on a bed and Peter had to huddle into a corner.
"The big question is, what are we going to do?" asked Remus anxiously.
"What?" Sirius was lost.
"Wake up, dog boy! She's my girlfriend-- surely you're going help to protect her maidenly innocence?" James shook his head at his friend's blankness.
"Girlfriends," said Sirius dreamily. "I've heard of those..."
"And you have one, remember? Trina Moren?"
"Oh yeah. Sorry about that-- now, you were saying?"
"Lil' can't possibly find out about this-- it'd drive her nutters. What with Clarence Higgins acting up, she's got her hands full fending off suitors anyway... and if Snape comes out, I dread to think what Lily would do."
"Jump in the lake, probably," said Sirius, "I know I would, if Snape had a crush on me."
"I think just about ANY guy would jump in the lake if Snape had a crush on them," Remus told him encouragingly.
"You know Remus, you have a sick side that very rarely comes out, and when it does....." Peter shuddered. "I get living nightmares."
"Back to bigger issues," interrupted James. "What are we going to do?"
"Not let Lily know, of course," said Remus, looking suprised. "What else is there to do?"
"You know, this strikes me as an excellent time to play some major pranks on Snape...."
Later that afternoon, James and co. snuck into the Owlery, carrying a reply to Snape that Sirius, who was did excellent imatations, had forged.
Remus read it once more just to make sure they were done.
"Yes, it does sound like something that Lil' would say," agreed James wryly.
"Hey Jimmy Sunshine, care to do the honors?" Sirius offered the letter to him.
"Not until you can get my name right, I won't," retorted James.
"All right, JAMES DAYSTAR POTTER, would you care to do the honors and save your noble friend some work?"
"Aything to save my noble friend from dirtying his soft palms," said James sarcastically. "Heaven forbid soil under his manicured nails!"
"Is that why you don't like Herbology?" inquired Peter, grinning.
"Oh, be quiet," Sirius mock-sulked. "My heart is deeply wounded, Jimmy dahlin'."
"What heart, dog-faced boy?"
"Look, could we just get on with it?" asked Remus, tiring of all the good-natured insults.
James let the owl go and watched as it soared out the window. "Right," he said, turning, "let's get planning......"
Disclaimer: I don't own this maggot infested piece of tripe (sorry, just felt like grossing you out there) and it's a good thing, too... although I DID make up James's nickname and his middle name, I still don't own him. Or Sirius (although I desperately wish I did) and unless Santa brings me the rights to the Harry Potter series (and I seriously doubt the elves can do THAT good a forgery), I don't own ANY of the characters... =(
A/N: Oooh! I'm evil! Slight cliffhanger! And you know what? I'm not going to continue unless you people liked it, so review and tell me what you thought, pleez!! Incidentally, this was my first formatted story. I hope you enjoyed it, because it was a lot of trouble. The next installment will be up as soon as I bloody well feel like it! ;-)
PS. All three parts are now up!! And they're chaptered!
Oh, and pleez review a lot. I lost twenty eight reviews when I chaptered, so let's make it up! Have pity, please....
-- Lizyrd (^__^)
PS. I now have a banner for all you fans who liked this out there. I know you're not done yet, but if you read and like it, go here (just copy/paste, I'm too lazy to link.):
http://www.angelfire.com/folk/hogwarts/maidenly.jpg