[Okay, in Barbie Girl, I mentioned doing the Thong Song in my last A/N, and I was overjoyed by the amount of people who begged me to. I had much fun writing this. ; ' ) ]
Voldemort hadn't had much fun in a while. Wormtail was nowhere to be found, which spoiled his plan. He wanted to sing!
So one day, he went out in search of another Death Eater, loyal or not. He took his wand and lightly touched the Dark Mark. There. They would come running – well, Apparating – now.
When they were all lined up, Voldemort surveyed them all, noticing that Wormtail hadn't come.
"I need a loyal servant," he said to them in an undertone. "Someone who will . . . assist me. Worry about every whim in my life." He looked around with a sadistic grin. "Any volunteers?" No one stepped forward. "Fine. I will choose – " he looked around, "you!" he said, pointing to a lank, thin shadow.
Severus Snape had been chosen. "You will stay with me," Voldemort ordered him. To the rest of them, he said, "Go home. Go ahead."
Snape had never been so frightened in his life. But he paid rapt attention as Voldemort addressed him again. "Down to the beach. Go. Now. I will follow."
Snape went obediently, reminding himself every step of the way that this was for Dumbledore, sort of an obligation.
When he got down to the beach, Voldemort laughed. "Good. Now wait." He drew out his wand from his robes and muttered a few things under his breath. It was now sunny and warm, with lots of women in bikinis lying around.
Another mutter from Voldemort, and there was a CD player. Snape was now not just scared, he was terrified.
The Dark Lord handed Snape what looked like underwear. He motioned toward the bathrooms. "Go put it on," he ordered. Then, with a sick grin, he added, "I won't peek."
Snape was absolutely disgusted, but put it on. It was extremely tight, and slipped up his butt at random moments, but he managed to bear with it. Voldemort was waiting down on the beach for him, looking extremely impatient.
"All right," he said, once Snape was out of the bathrooms. "I am going to sing. You are going to dance. These young ladies," he motioned toward the pack of women in bikinis – thong bikinis, "will show you how." He pressed the PLAY button on the CD player. Then, to Snape's horror, he started singing.
"This thing right here
Is lettin' all the ladies know
What guys talk about
You know, the finer things in life "
Finer things ? Snape wondered.
"A heh heh heh
Check it out
Ooh that dress so scandalous
And you know another nigga can't handle it "
Nigga? Well, you couldn't expect an evil dark wizard like Voldemort to be politically correct.
"So you shakin that thang like who's the ish"
"Ish?" Snape mouthed to one of the beach babes, but she just shrugged and went back to her suggestive dancing.
"With a look in yer eyes so devilish
Uh
You like to dance on the hip hop spots
And you cruise to grooves to connect the dots
Not just urban she like the pop
'Cause she was Livin' La Vida Loca "
Snape jumped. He loved Ricky Martin.
"She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck
Thighs like what, what, what
Baby move your butt, butt, butt "
One of the women motioned for Snape to shake his butt, which he did so, and received quite a few cat calls.
"I think I'll sing it again
She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck
Thighs like what, what, what
All night long
Let me see that thong "
"C'mon, you can do better than that!" One women cried to Snape. So he wiggled his hips a bit harder.
"I like it when the beat goes
Duh dun duh
Baby make your booty go
Duh dun duh
Baby I know you wanna show
Duh dun duh
That thong thong thong thong thong "
Snape couldn't believe it. He was enjoying this! He now felt pretty!
"I like it when the beat goes
Duh dun duh
Baby make your booty go
Duh dun duh
Baby I know you wanna show
Duh dun duh
That thong thong thong thong thong "
Snape was now wiggling his tush to the beat. One of the girls fainted in pure ecstasy.
"That girl so scandalous
And I know another nigga can't handle it
And she shakin' that thing like who's the ish
With a look in her eyes so devilish "
Now Voldemort started swaying his hips. Snape had never seen anything so horrific, but the Dark Lord received cat calls as well.
"She like to dance on the hip hop spots
And she cruise to the grooves to connect the dots
Not just urban she like the pop
Cause she was Livin La Vida Loca
She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck
Thighs like what, what, what
Baby move your butt, butt, butt "
Snape was obviously a crowd-pleaser. He swayed his hips a bit more.
"I think I'll sing it again
She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck
Thighs like what, what, what
All night long
Let me see that thong "
Snape had run out of good moves, which was okay, because now women were slapping his butt.
"I like it when the beat goes
Duh dun duh
Baby make your booty go
Duh dun duh
Baby I know you wanna show
Duh dun duh
That thong thong thong thong thong
I like it when the beat goes
Duh dun duh
Baby make your booty go
Duh dun duh
Baby I know you wanna show
Duh dun duh
That thong thong thong thong thong "
Then Snape stole one of the moves from a girl. He slowly pulled his hands down his body, starting with his chest, right down to his – ahem – then booty-shook. He had never heard girls yell so loud.
"I like it when the beat goes
Duh dun duh
Baby make your booty go
Duh dun duh
Baby I know you wanna show
Duh dun duh
That thong thong thong thong thong
I like it when the beat goes
Duh dun duh
Baby make your booty go
Duh dun duh
Baby I know you wanna show
Duh dun duh
That thong thong thong thong thong "
Okay, now Snape was tired of it. But he couldn't leave. So he resorted to plain old hip swaying.
"That dress so scandalous
I swear another nigga couldn't handle it
When you shakin' that thing like who's the ish "
"You da ish," a girl said adoringly to Snape. He shook his butt right at her. She smacked it- in a good way. He was happy.
"With a look in your eyes do devilish
Uh
You like to dance on the hip hop spots
Then you cruise to the grooves to connect the dots
Not just urban you like the pop
Cause she was Livin La Vida Loca "
Okay, now it was getting ridiculous. But Snape couldn't leave just yet, so he started to smack girls' butts, hoping that was a crowd-pleaser too.
"She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck
Thighs like what, what, what"
Snape stroked his thighs suggestively. Almost half the crowd fainted on that one, he saw with delight.
"Baby move your butt, butt, butt, uh
I think I'll sing it again
'Cause she had dumps like a truck, truck, truck
Thighs like what, what, what
Baby move your butt, butt, butt, uh
I think I'll sing it again"
Oh, please don't, Snape begged silently.
"C'mon
C'mon
C'mon
C'mon
I like it when the beat goes
Duh dun duh
Baby make your booty go
Duh dun duh "
Snape imitated the rhythm with his hips. Duh dun duh, his butt shook.
"Baby I know you wanna show
Duh dun duh
That thong thong thong thong thong"
One of the girls pulled the back of his thong away from his body, and slapped his bare hairy butt. "You go, boy," she yelled.
"I like it when the beat goes
Duh dun duh
Baby make your booty go
Duh dun duh
Baby I know you wanna show
Duh dun duh
That thong thong thong thong thong "
Snape threw himself down and started doing the Worm. Now all but a handful of girls had fainted.
"I like it when the beat goes
Duh dun duh
Baby make your booty go
Duh dun duh
Baby I know you wanna show
Duh dun duh
That thong thong thong thong thong
I like it when the beat goes
Duh dun duh
Baby make your booty go
Duh dun duh
Baby I know you wanna show
Duh dun duh
That thong thong thong thong thong"
Snape continued the Worm until "OW!" he yelled, hitting himself on the ground where he shouldn't get hit. One of the women yanked him up off the ground, slapped his butt, and muttered something about, "Keep dancing. They like it." What could Snape do but obey her? He shook that booty like never before.
"I like it when the beat goes
Duh dun duh
Baby make your booty go
Duh dun duh
Baby I know you wanna show
Duh dun duh
That thong thong thong thong thong
Duh dun duh
Duh dun duh
Duh dun duh
Thong, thong, thong, thong, thong"
One of the women stopped him, traced her finger down his chest, then smacked his butt once more.
"Duh dun duh
Duh dun duh
Duh dun duh
Thong, thong, thong, thong, thong
I like it when the beat goes
Duh dun duh
Baby make your booty go
Duh dun duh
Baby I know you wanna show
Duh dun duh
That thong thong thong thong thong"
Snape smacked the women's butt. She turned around and grinned. Then punched him.
"I like it when the beat goes
Duh dun duh
Baby make your booty go
Duh dun duh
Baby I know you wanna show
Duh dun duh
That thong thong thong thong thong
I like it when the beat goes
Duh dun duh
Baby make your booty go
Duh dun duh
Baby I know you wanna show
Duh dun duh
That thong thong thong thong thong"
Snape ended with a half-hearted booty shake that made the remaining females faint. And there were very few males in the audience. Though Snape thought for a moment that he recognized one, he let it go.
Voldemort stopped the CD, and rushed up. "Severus! That was wonderful!" He grinned. "I'm going to have to get together with you more often!"
Oh no , Snape thought with a grimace.
Two weeks later, Snape still grinned at the memory. He actually enjoyed himself that day. Now, if only Harry hadn't been there with a camcorder . . .
[Another A/N – I was one of the ones who cat-called when he shook his butt, and probably the first to faint. Poor Snapey . . . Harry got it all on tape! Hehe! ; ' ) The end got a bit monotonous, but ~shrugs~. Thank you to all you wonderful people who reviewed – my stats page wouldn't be the same without you! ; ' ) ]