She'd been here before

She'd been here before. She couldn't leave the clearing because there was something evil waiting for her. The Something was even more dangerous than her. She looked across the clearing to their tree. The wreckage was all around, and she tried to yell no, this is wrong, the accident happened miles from here. Her scream was trapped in her throat, and she had no choice but to continue. All around her the trees seemed to whisper it was no accident, you killed her.

A few steps forward, and she could see the figure at the base of the tree. Their tree. It's back was to her, but she would recognize it at any distance. Dana. She was still wearing her flight suit. Her back was to Alicia. Some of the wreckage was still burning, the smoke burning Alicia's eyes. Her enhanced vision was even blurred from the acrid smoke, but she knew it was Dana.

"Dana?" she called to her. The figure didn't turn. "Dana, please, I'm sorry!" she shouted, trying to cross the clearing. "Climb the tree. Please! We'll talk. I'm sorry Dana! Please, I'm sorry!"

She came closer, and a breeze began to blow. The short red strands of Dana's hair began to blow off of her scalp, and Alicia recoiled in horror. The scalp beneath was blackened and charred. A sudden odor of burning flesh assaulted her, and she tried to ward off the thing Dana had begun. It slowly turned towards her.

The screams were too big to come out. Alicia could still see Dana's features stamped on the thing's face below the hideous burning. The flesh was blackened, and cracked open. But the eyes, the eyes were the most terrifying of all. Their bright green had faded to the color of burned ash, and they glared at her in accusation.

"Dana," Alicia heard herself sob. "Dana, I'm sorry. I didn't know. I didn't mean it. Please, Dana, I'm sorry!"

Its hand raised, one finger pointing at her. The jaw gaped open, and she could see bloody holes gouged into its jawbone, right where the wisdom teeth should be. Alicia turned to run, feeling as though she was moving in slow motion. Its hand reached out, grabbing her wrist. She spun around, and it was there, inches from her. A horrible grating sound came from it, and she screamed, flinging her hand as hard as she could.

Zack had waited until he was sure she was asleep before getting into her bag. He opened it, and then realized that the "purse phenomenon" in women had to be genetically encoded on the X chromosome. The stupid thing had everything in it. He rooted around for a minute, wondering why a solider would want to have breath mints. Still, it was pretty well stocked with some emergency essentials, he thought as he grabbed an energy bar. He sat down and loaded the tapes.

Zack had noticed she was restless in her sleep. She had been asleep for an hour or so while he had been listening to the tapes, getting worried when one mentioned Max's pager. He should have told her to get rid of the thing, like she would listen. Max always had a hard time taking good advise. He went to switch the tapes when he heard Alicia cry out in her sleep.

"Dana," he heard her murmur. There was a pause. "Please, I'm sorry!" Suddenly she sobbed, a cry from so deep within that he felt his heart wrench in sympathy. It was the sound his heart had made when he had to leave Bryn for Lydecker. "Dana, I'm sorry. I didn't know. I didn't mean it. Please, Dana, I'm sorry!"

It was enough. He got up and went to her, touching her wrist lightly to wake her up. He didn't care if she'd had enough time to regenerate; she didn't need to suffer in her sleep. That was something he knew far too well. Without warning she screamed, a sound straight from the pits of Hell itself. She grabbed his hand and pitched him headlong into the wall.

It was too wild of a throw to do damage to the likes of him. He caught himself on the wall, and did a low back flip. He spun to see her standing in a defensive pose, her eyes huge with terror. She was panting, still not really seeing him, the memory of the dream burned into her mind. He wasn't sure what to do.

Alicia knew she was awake, but she could still smell the smoke, and the burning flesh, and Dana. With a small sob, her knees buckled, and she collapsed to the ground. She pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them, and tucking her head down. She could feel herself rocking, while her mind kept screaming. Her chest locked, and she could barely breathe. But her eyes were dry.

She could feel strong arms wrapping around her, pulling her close to a hard body. Zack couldn't believe how hard she was shaking. He worried that it might be a seizure, but it didn't feel like one when he touched her. Her skin was ice cold, and he recognized the symptoms of shock when he saw them. He could feel her body hitching, gasping for air.

"Alicia," he called to her, trying to unknot her body. God, she was strong. Treat for shock, his mind ordered. Calm her down, and then find out what's wrong. Keep her warm. Elevate the feet to keep blood flow to the brain to keep her from passing out. Her skin was turning alabaster.

He pulled her into his lap and grabbed the towel she'd been using as a pillow. With a flick, he unfurled it, letting it rest on her like a blanket. With one hand he pulled off the t-shirt he had been wearing, laying it over her, and pulling her closer to his bare chest, hoping his body heat would help keep her warm.

He thought the trembling subsided a bit, but that could be his imagination. He pried one of her hands off of her knees and took it in his. Ice cold. He put it against his bare skin, trying to warm her. What had she dreamed to do this?

"Alicia?" he tried again. He took his hand off of hers, but she didn't let him go. He caressed her hair and her cheek lightly. "What's wrong?"

She didn't say anything, but he felt her pull tighter against him. He could feel her jaw clinched tightly where it pressed against his chest. What had she said when she was dreaming? He tilted her chin back to look into her face. "Who is Dana?" he asked.

A wordless agony filled her eyes. But still they were dry. Zack knew the orders she was under. Suck it up soldier. Deal with it. You know that others will fall. Acceptable losses are acceptable. They were orders nobody should ever have to live with, but she had somehow.

"You have to trust me too," he whispered. "Please Alicia, tell me what happened to Dana."

"I killed her," she whispered, looking into his eyes. "She was my best friend, and I killed her. Oh my God, I killed her. I didn't mean to. I killed her and she hates me." She lowered her head, not wanting to see the hatred in his face. She waited for him to push her away, disgusted at her being another soulless Manticore thing.

Zack wasn't sure what had happened to Dana, but he had a feeling that Alicia hadn't murdered her. An accident maybe? But, she was their leader. Whatever they did, whatever mistakes they made, she took the full responsibility. That was something he understood all too well. So, he held her tightly against him, his face pressed into her hair, and tried to offer whatever comfort he could.

It was the feeling of being comforted for the first time in her life that did her in. When you are the leader, you become the example. You can't fall apart. Not in battle, not even at a funeral. You dealt with it to set the pace for the rest of them. For the first time someone else was offering to help shoulder the burden. It didn't matter that he was technically enemy force. He was at least pretending sympathy, and that was good enough for her right now.

She made a strangled sound, and then started to cry against him. For the first time in the nineteen months since the accident, she was able to release the agony she'd carried around every day. Zack didn't try to make her talk. Her head was tucked under his chin, and he cradled her gently as she held onto him fiercely, sobbing against him.

She wasn't sure how long she cried. Her head ached, and her nose was stuffed. The tears finally slowed until all that remained were a few watery sniffles. She didn't want to move from Zack's embrace. She wasn't sure why he had come to her, but she was glad he'd been there. She wasn't used to being physically close to others, even the sixers, but this felt wonderful. Comfort. It was an amazing sensation, and she didn't want it to end.

She could feel his hand cupping her face lightly. His chest was wet from her tears. They were rocking slightly. She was tired, and hungry, and starting to feel incredibly embarrassed. This was not the best tactical move, exposing a major weakness. But she still couldn't force herself to leave the circle of his arms.

"Zack?" She didn't want to ask, but she had to know, and he was the only person she knew that could give her an answer based on experience, not theory.

"I'm still here."

"When your helicopter crashed, were you knocked unconscious?"

What's the right answer, Zack thought. Yes, no, maybe just for a minute? He decided to go with the truth.

"No," he replied. "The others were, but I'm tougher than them." He felt her tighten again. Wrong answer obviously. "What happened to Dana?" he asked, hoping talking would calm her down. He supposed that he should be disgusted by such a display of emotion, but he had a feeling that whatever had happened, she had kept everything to herself. That was something even he hadn't been able to do when Bryn was taken.

"I killed her," she repeated. "That's all that happened. I killed my best friend."

"You were flying the helicopter?"

She looked up at him. "Zack, please, I don't want to talk…" her words trailed off as she saw the look in his eyes. Concern? Not disgust or anger, but concern? And understanding. Somehow, without knowing what had happened, he understood her.

"Whoever engineered us forgot a couple of small details," she said hesitantly. "We still have dental problems. About a year and a half ago my wisdom teeth came in," she broke off, her mind seeing the holes in the thing's jaw again. Tears began sliding down her cheeks again, but she made herself continue.

"They got impacted and had to be removed. I was supposed to do some training runs, but had to go down for a day so they could do the surgery." She tried to get hold of her emotion long enough to continue. "Dana hated the stupid things. But she went because I told her to. She had to get more comfortable on them. I ordered her to go in my place. She didn't want to, but she did because of me."

Zack could feel her trembling again, but she forced herself to continue. "When I woke up from the painkillers, Dad told me there'd been an accident. He had the sixers on base get together, and he told us that one of the rotor blades snapped, and the helicopter had crashed. No survivors."

A small sob escaped her as she remembered that moment. She was hurting, groggy from the painkillers, and she was being told that she had sent her best friend to her death. Then the others had looked at her, and she did as she'd been trained to do. She had pushed down the grief, and acted like the commander that she was. She helped plan the funeral. Cole was the only one who had realized the depth of her grief, but he had been too caught up in his own grief to help her.

"But, they weren't too high when it crashed," she continued. "They probably would have survived, but it caught on fire. Dana got trapped in it. They found a piece of metal sticking through her leg, pinning her down." The tears began to fall heavier. Zack realized where this was going and cursed himself for not lying. "She was one of us. Just as tough physically. She burned alive, and was conscious and died in agony, and it's my fault."

She started to sob again, and Zack pulled her against his shoulder. He had no clue what to say or do. Her arms wrapped around his neck, and he realized that he didn't have to do anything. She just needed him to be there. Her weeping wasn't as intense as before. It slowed quickly, until she was silent. He could tell from her breathing that she wasn't asleep, but he didn't want to let her go.

How long had it been since he'd been this close to anyone? Max in the cabin? That had been nearly seven months before. He had hoped something would happen then, but it had become clear where her heart lay when she tried to kick his ass for getting in her way. He had let her go because he loved her. He let himself get caught because he loved her. Love was a useless emotion that caused nothing but trouble. He knew he wasn't in love with Alicia, but he was starting to like her, and it felt good to be close to her.

She finally pulled back a little, looking embarrassed. "I don't always cry," she said. "I shouldn't be now. It's not like it matters."

He could almost see her retreating back into the concrete shell that Manticore had built around her. "You can't change the past." Her words were speeding up. "I know that. Only the future matters, right?" She wiped her eyes, drying the remaining tears. "Dana's dead, so how can she hate me?" She let out a small laugh. "Pretty funny thought really. Something dead, its ashes scattered, hating the living. It's not like there's anything left."

"What about her soul?" he asked. He wanted her to see it from outside Manticore dogma. It wasn't right them never letting her grieve over such a loss, but that was Manticore. They were just soldiers.

"What soul?" she asked tiredly. "We're things, Zack, not people. People might have souls, but we're its, things, not even human."

"Like hell we're things," he snapped.

She pulled back hard from him. He grabbed her wrists to keep her from jumping up. She was on her knees facing him. She wanted to pull away, get away, but he wasn't about to let her.

"Like hell we aren't things," she snarled back. "You've been outside so long you've learned to pretend you're a human being. I bet you even sometimes believe that you are. I know better. I've been in the room while generals talk about you like you're the desk or the lamp. I know I'm an "it". We weren't taught to forget what we are. It's always there." She glared at him. "We are not human," she enunciated slowly. "I don't know how many times I've heard 'can it do this, can it do that'. It, not her. It."

So this was what Manticore did to children. Zack stared at her realizing the X-5's fate had they not run. Their minds would have been as cruelly raped as had Alicia's. They would have the same attitudes, and never realized that there was so much more to being human than having the same DNA structure as the average person.

He let her wrists go. She rose and walked over to where her bag was, plopping down, and putting her head in her hands. Why had she said all of that? He had just been trying to be kind to her, and she went nuts on him. Idiot, she cursed herself. He'd listened to her, tried to help, and she threw it away. Get back to the mission, she ordered herself. Remember the mission solider, and follow your training.

She heard Zack moving around, but didn't look up. Maybe there would be an earthquake or something, and the ground could just swallow her whole. Then she wouldn't have to look up eventually. If a huge crack opened under her, she would let it take her without a peep.

A warm hand wrapped around hers. She looked up, startled at the touch. Zack was watching her, but didn't say anything. She let her fingers intertwine with his, and they sat there for a long moment, no words required.

"I'm sorry," she whispered after a few minutes, still looking at their connected hands. It was amazing what a simple touch was doing to her heart rate. "I shouldn't have gotten upset with you like that."

Her eyes met his. "We're two very different people with very different lives. I know what I am, and there's nothing that can be done about it."

The nearness was getting to be too much for her to handle. In one fluid motion she let go of his hand and jumped up. She walked to the far side of the car. The window opening was over her, and she looked into the night sky. The cool wind felt wonderful on her hot face. Her heart was still pounding from simply touching his hand, and she tried to will it to slow. Things didn't feel like she was right now. They didn't have emotional rushes. She was a solider. Cool, calm, collected, that was 608.

She felt him come up behind her, hesitate a moment, and then wrap his arms around her upper arms, pinning her folded arms to her body. For a moment, she thought she might just pass out. It seemed like a reasonable thing to do. Very gently, he tilted her chin down from the window so that she was looking at the side of the train car. In the bright moonlight, the metal had become a reflective surface, and she could see a ghost image of them standing together.

"What do you see?" he whispered in her ear.

"A reflection. Me, with you behind me." She tried to keep her voice flat. When was that earthquake going to happen? She would run and Swan Dive into the stupid crack.

"Who do you see?" She tried to pull away rather than respond, but he held her fast. He had to make her see. She wasn't a mindless thing. Manticore may have drilled it into her that she was, but he could tell that deep down, she knew herself to be a person. Maybe he had just been keeping people away from Manticore so long it was now habit, but he didn't want to see her go back and become a thing. This was the only time she would have to realize who she was, not what she was.

"I see a couple of genetically jumped-up science projects." She was completely stiff in his arms. "I see years of planning, and training. I see tools of undeclared wars. I see…" she broke off unable to continue.

He turned her so that she faced him. She didn't want to look at him. It was easier to let the anger wrap around her, and keep her distant from everyone. Absolute Zero. She had heard a norm solider call her that once when returning from a mission. She didn't want to hear anymore.

"You know what I see?"

"I don't care," she managed to spit out.

He ignored her as he continued, "I see a woman. She's not just beautiful. She's smart, and has a sense of humor, and is a great dancer. She can sing like an angel, and she's not afraid to get dirty to do what she feels is right."

Alicia finally looked up at him, and he saw the note of hope in her eyes. She wanted to believe him. It was many years of having her humanity beaten down that she had to overcome, but he could see that she wanted to. It might be a baby step, but it was in the right direction.

"I see a woman who has an amazing capacity to feel," he continued. "People feel, Alicia. It's what makes us human."

"Please stop," she whispered with no conviction at all.

His hand touched her face gently. She grabbed it, but instead of pulling it away, held it to her. Her eyes closed as she nestled into his palm. Zack wasn't sure as to what his next move should be. He had simply spoken from the heart. Did she have any idea what she was doing to him?

"Tell me you don't feel and I'll stop," he managed to get out. Control yourself, he mentally ordered himself. So what if she's incredibly beautiful. Don't lose control of the situation. It was a basic strategy technique. Back off from her. She's Manticore. Either she'll accept your help or she won't, but you need to back away.

Her eyes opened and she looked directly at him. All thoughts of running fled from his mind as her arms slid around his neck and their lips met in a moment of indescribable passion.