Disclaimer: Don't own them, don't make any money from them, just like to play with them.
A/N: This story has taken on a life of its own. Thought I was done after Chapter 4 but Max had to have her say.
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I can truly say that this has been the week from hell. I feel drained and exhausted, (mentally and physically) by the events that have taken place. The kickoff of course was Ben. It started with my sorrow when Logan showed me Ben's barcode on that dead body. How I wish that had been all, that it truly had been Ben dead there in that morgue. I would have mourned, cried some tears for my dead brother and wondered what had killed him but I would have gotten over it. Instead I was plunged into a nightmare, a horror show that ended with my killing my brother. I truly didn't know what else to do but I will always wonder if I could have found some other solution, if I could have done something different.
I went and talked to Father Destry afterwards. Tried his "confession" thing. He is truly a good person and I do think he helped me. He didn't judge me for what I did, instead he urged me to put myself in the hands of "God" and let "God" do the judging. I'm still not sure I buy this whole religion deal but there may be something to it. If a person like the father can believe in it I have to allow for some possibility that there is something there.
Anyway I felt better just talking about what happened with someone. I normally would go to Logan but this was something I didn't want to share with him. Our relationship is too tentative right now and I really didn't want to disturb the balancing act we seem to have going.
No sooner did I get that behind me than I found out that Lydecker sent pictures of that day in the woods to Logan. I didn't even remember them taking pictures but I think I was probably in some kind of state of shock after what happened. I think we all were, at least I remember us being exceptionally quiet afterwards and never really talking about it even amongst ourselves. I wanted to throw up when I found them and knew Logan had seen them. I was sure he was revolted and disgusted by me and what I was. In his place I probably would have been. Instead he was angry and full of sympathy for us and for what Manticore had done to us. That got to me more than his disgust would have. With all he is and tries to be he was able to understand and forgive me for that animalistic act. .
I ended up crying in his arms. Me, the genetically enhanced killing machine kneeling on the floor crying like there's no tomorrow. He just held me and soothed me and let me get it all out. I never thought I would break down like that but I guess the combination of everything that happened finally broke the dam.
I thought that was it but of course there was more. Logan was afraid to tell me but he had actually spoken to Lydecker while I was out chasing around after Ben. He told me he wanted to call Zack (Now that has to be a first – Logan actually wanting Zack around!
Those two are like oil and water; they definitely do not mix well.) Trouble is neither Logan or I have a contact number for Zack so that wasn't an option. Instead the idiot actually arranged a video call between Lydecker and Eyes Only.
Lydecker of course seized the opportunity to confirm his guess that Eyes Only and I work together and to try to drive a wedge between us. I could have told Logan he would do that. Ancient military strategy – divide and conquer. Logan is so naïve in some ways about how scum like Lydecker operate.
Anyway, my turn to forgive Logan but how could I not ?. He was motivated by worry for me and I honestly believe he couldn't think of what else to do. If he can manage to live with the knowledge of what I once did and not condemn me for it who am I to condemn him for trying to help me. Anyway he did something incredibly sweet. He repeated his poem to me (the one I stole) and then he changed the last words. Instead of "somebody's angel" he looked at me with those incredible eyes of his and said "my angel." I wanted to freak out but I realized how hard it was for him to open himself up to me that way. Instead of freaking I took a deep breath and said back to him "Your angel." The look in his eyes when I did that almost had me running but I didn't, I stayed.
So that's where we stand now. I feel like we are both balanced on a high wire with no net below us. We are inches away from touching but one misstep by either one of us and we will both plunge into the abyss waiting below. I have plenty of worries running through my mind – Ben's insanity (Is it in all of us or was it something unique to his genetic code?), Lydecker's knowledge of the Eyes Only/Max connection, and the fact that there are still some unidentified bounty hunters after me.
Despite all of that my biggest worry is the relationship between Logan and me. I want and I don't want at the same time. I am afraid that in a crucial moment my emotions are going to betray me and end up getting me, or Logan, or both of us, captured or killed.
But I can't leave Seattle. I can't leave him. I've tried and I couldn't do it. Father Destry would tell me there is a higher power guiding my actions, that there is a plan that I can't see. I don't buy that. I guess all I can do is live each day as it comes. Just a working girl trying to make it in a tough world. I have my posse, the gang at Jam Pony, and I have Logan. What more could a girl want?