John Carter stood over the young girl, holding the internal defibrulator paddles.
"Charge to 300!"
The nurses made no move.
"Come on, charge it!" He looked around the room at the pained expressions on their faces. "Fine, I'll do it myself." He tried to get to the controls of the machine, but Haleh stood in his way. "Move, dammit!" She shook her head. Tears forming in his dark eyes, he dropped the paddles, turning to the young girl. He tried to do CPR, tried to start her heart. Refusing to give up when he failed, he began to squeeze the ambu-bag, not realizing that the tape had come loose from her pale skin and was no longer connected to the ET tube.
"Carter. She's gone." Mark placed a heavy hand on his shoulder. "Time of death, 3:51" Carter broke down and turned to find Abby behind him. She hugged him gently and led him out of the trauma room.
*****
Those eyes. Her bright blue eyes. They danced mockingly in front of John's face, burned into his memory. Abby sat with him on the roof, tightening her grip around him. But those eyes... they were like Lucy's eyes, set into another face. The all-too-familiar shade of blue, like nothing he had seen anywhere else. Except that day...the day she had died.
"I gave up on her." He noted sadly.
"John, you couldn't help it...you tried. We all tried. Sometimes people have to die. And we can't do anything about it." She felt strange giving speeches to this man, this experienced doctor.
"I let her die."
"John, don't beat yourself up."
"I should have gotten help. I let myself give up on her, Abby."
"John, what are you...you mean Lucy?" He nodded sadly. "John, you couldn't have done anything. You...you can't blame yourself. It was not your fault."
"Yeah..hey, you mind giving me a few minutes alone?"
"Depends. You promise not to jump?" She indicated the ledge of the roof, not far from where they were sitting.
"Promise." He gave a weak smile.
"I'll be back soon. Don't do anything stupid."
"Didn't I promise?"
"Yeah. Now keep your word." She rubbed her hand on his back gently and walked away, praying he kept his promise.
Her eyes still danced before his face, glaring at him. Lucy's face appeared, yelling at him, calling out, "John! You didn't help me!"
(Lucy's not talking to me stop it god don't do this lucy's dead lucy's gone please oh please it's all my fault i'm sorry i tried so hard and all you do is punish me)
Her face...she was dying in front of him and he never made it up to her, never got her help. He tried...he tried with every patient that was whisked through the doors of County General. He risked everything so many times...just to make it up to her. When he jumped in front of that boy to protect him from a delerious older lady, when he refused to give up...when he did those things, they were for her. Every patient he saved was for her. To try to bring her back.
(I did it all i saved them i tried don't do this to me god wasn't it enough didn't i save enough people can't you give her back to me i know i can't save them all but i need her back please please please bring lucy back i love her you don't know how much i need her god please i did it it was my fault and i should have saved her i know but god i tried so bring her back)
He needed her back so badly. She had been so sweet, so innocent, so beautiful and wonderful and...too young to die. Her life was only beginning, and he missed her so much...the drugs didn't ease the pain enough and soon they ceased to work at all. He couldn't keep himself busy enough to keep her haunting stare out of his mind.
(god don't make me do this you know i need to be with her i promised abby don't make me choose abby over lucy because i can't i just can't)
He promised Abby, but he had promised Lucy first. He stood next to the ledge, feeling the wind flowing through his short dark hair. 1 step and it was all over. 1 step and he could be with her.
(lucy oh god lucy i love you please i'm coming i can't stop it anymore i need to be with you i love you i love you i will always love you)
br> "I'm sorry Abby. I know I promised you, but I can't...I just can't...I'm so sorry." He hoped she would understand.
Abby opened the door and saw his retreating form rushing downward.
(i'm on my way luce)
She put a hand over her mouth and stared, watching him fall, unable to move and get help.
(so this is what flying feels like)