A/N: Okay, you asked for it! I got 6 nice reviews and that was enough to get me to keep writing! But don't read this until you've read the first chapter.

Disclaimer: I own....zip. Nadda. Zilch. Nothin'. Not a single thing associated with HP in this fic is mine. I weep over the fact that I don't. Oh well. I can still have fun doing parodies!

A/N: This is a help column in WITCH WEEKLY called Dear Rita Skeeter. It is where HP-crazed people write in for Rita to help them out.

NOTE FROM RITA SKEETER: This WITCH WEEKLY column is for you people to write for help with HP. Friends and haters of Harry, I urge you to come and talk to me. I feel for you; I hate that little [this has been edited by the WITCH WEEKLY editing office. We regret the harsh language. If you have a problem with this, write to Rita Skeeter and tell her that Harry is NOT a ----. Have a nice day.] And I hate Hermione Granger even more. So there.

DEAR RITA SKEETER:
I have a major problem. I go to Hogwarts with Harry. And I hate his guts! Except, there's a problem....lately, I've been rather, how should I put it, attracted to him. I dream about him and wake up all wet. [If you are a little kid, DON'T ask your mom what this means. This has been the WITCH WEEKLY kid's help office. Have a nice day.] What should I do? I've never been in love with other boys before...what's wrong with me?
SIGNED,
D.M. (A/N: We know it's you, Draco)

DEAR D.M.:
You're waking up all wet? *shudders* Well, here's a thought...YOU ARE GAY.
SINCERELY YOURS,
RITA

DEAR RITA:
I have a problem. Harry is stalking me! What can I do?? It's bad enough he asked me to the Yule Ball, but this is too much....the Miss Granger whom you hate so much has informed me about JUST how much Harry is in love with me. Do you have any advice?
SIGNED,
CHO

DEAR CHO:
I have an idea...and this will benefit both of us....kill Harry! I mean, what could the harm do? This way, Mr. Snape can quit hating him, he'll quit stalking you, and I won't have many worries about Hermione, since she'll be locked up in her room for days, crying over him. [WITCH WEEKLY is sorry this sort of idea has been included in the column. We at the preservation office hope readers will not take this the wrong way. However, Rita has politely requested to print EVERYTHING she says to her readers. Have a nice day.]
SINCERELY YOURS,
RITA

DEAR RITA:
Your advice didn't work. I found myself digging through the Hogwarts dumpsters to get back Harry's underwear. Got anything else that could work?
SIGNED,
GINNY HARRY [A/N: Cut the crap, Gin. We get the idea.]

DEAR GINNY:
Sorry, I can't usually help severe, mental-cases like you. Have a good one....and don't forget to frame and hang up that underwear! You know, the ones that say "Calvin Klein."
SINCERELY YOURS,
RITA

DEAR RITA:
Harry is NOT a [Please forgive the interruption. We apologize this word had to pop up again. Harry Potter fans, we assure you, Harry's mother is not a bitch. This has, again, been the editing office at WITCH WEEKLY, cutting out the trashy words] ! He is the bravest, coolest, most awesome guy in the world!
C. CREEVEY

COLIN:
Do you even KNOW his mother?????
SINCERELY YOURS, RITA

DEAR RITA:
I know this doesn't have much to do with Harry Potter, but this IS a Hogwarts issue....see, I am in love with Olympe Maxine, headmistress of Beauxbatons Academy of Magic. But, see, she doesn't like ME. Why not?
SIGNED,
RUBEUS

DEAR RUBEUS:
Maybe it's because you're a 10-foot tall, ugly, smelly, hairy old guy who lives in a grimy hut and makes disgusting stoat sandwiches. [WITCH WEEKLY, AGAIN, regrets having to print these words. Hagrid, rest assured, WE STILL LOVE YOU. This has been the WITCH WEEKLY we-still-love-you office. Have a nice day.]
SINCERELY YOURS, RITA






A/N: Haha I had just a TAD too much fun with this. But REVIEW! I mean, you ASKED for another chapter, so REVIEW!!! Oh, and flames aren't too good. Killer already had to chew up a few flamers, so he's been feeling a bit sick. Don't flame...Killer might die.