If you gave me just a coin for every time we say goodbye
Well I'd be rich beyond my dreams
I'm sorry for my weary life
I know I'm not perfect but I can smile
And I hope that you see this heart behind my tired eyes
* * * *
"Sirius, why's it like this?" Alexia tearfully pleaded.
Her former boyfriend carefully avoided her eyes. It was not the way she thought; he was not being deliberately cruel. He was only trying to protect her. James had already made the decision to become an auror, and Sirius, as always, refused to be left out of the 'fun.' Though, indeed, there was little fun in being an auror in these troubled times; Voldemort's power was rising, and anyone who sought to stand against him soon found themselves . . in unfortunate circumstances.
But Sirius would not be denied, as much for his friends as himself. James' fiancée, Lily Evans, was a Muggle-born, and that made her a target, a thing James could not allow. He would fight, as he must, and Sirius would follow.
"Alex, I'm sorry. But I have to . . there are some things I just have to do. You have to understand. I'm sorry," he repeated, and quickly walked away.
Alexia stared after him in disbelief. She knew what he was doing, and because of that, she could not bring herself to be angry with him. He only wanted to protect her, but did he really think she was too weak to protect herself? She'd graduated near the top of their class in Hogwarts; she could take care of herself. She didn't need him.
But that was a lie, and she knew it. She and Sirius complimented each other so well, her caution balancing his bold recklessness. Yet now, staring heartbreak in the face, she could convince herself that it had been only a matter of time. Her type of life held no excitement for him, and she could learn to live without his.
Those last two years had forced her to make more changes in her own life than she'd expected. But, if she was honest with herself, Sirius had learned to give a little too. They'd both made some sacrifices, not just her.
So why was it so easy for him to just walk away?
* * * *
If you tell me that I can't, I will, I will, I'll try all night
And if I say I'm coming home, I'll probably be out all night
I know I can be afraid but I'm alive
And I hope that you trust this heart behind my tired eyes
* * * *
"Remus? Where the heck do you think you're going? You offered to let me stay, now you're gonna bolt for the door?" Sirius sounded almost amused. He'd arrived at Lupin's half an hour ago, after a fight with Alexia, and was likely to be staying a while. In fact, James was having the break the news of their next mission to Lily, so chances were that Remus would have to listen to his whining too.
"Where am I going? As far from you as I can get," Remus quipped, and Sirius gave him a dirty look.
"You know, that was so funny I forgot to laugh. Really Remus, you kill me."
"I wish," was the nonchalant response. Sirius scowled.
"I walked right into that one," he sighed. "But please, have some pity, Moony. Be nice."
"Since when did you even know the meaning of the word? Last time I checked, it was impossible to use the words 'Sirius' and 'nice' in the same sentence."
"Aw, hush, wolfie. I can read, after all - I looked it up in a dictionary. But really, where ya goin'?"
Remus considered this a moment, but, after finding no suitable answer, decided on what was, after all, rather true: "To take care of some . . personal business," he said, with a cool reserve that made Sirius sit up and stare at him in surprise.
"Okay," he said agreeably. "But we worry, Remus, you know that."
"Because I'm a werewolf?" The calmly spoken question did not hide the pain in Lupin's voice, and Remus turned away, refusing to meet Sirius' eyes, for fear of the suspicion that might be lurking there.
Though Padfoot was right to doubt him, he admitted - even more so if Sirius really knew where he was going. He shoved the thought away. Guilt wouldn't do him any good; he'd been down that road time and time again, and had never accomplished anything by it. At the same time, he accepted the fact that this was his fault, and though he had not meant to harm them, he forced himself to own up to the fact that he had done exactly that - the road to hell is, after all, paved with good intentions.
"No, Remus! Because you're . . well, you're Moony. And that's all."
"Then trust me," Remus said curtly, stepping out into the rain without a backward glance. He waved his wand and mumbled the now-familiar words with a hint of sentimental regret; without Sirius and James, he likely would never have learned to Apparate - he hadn't had that much trouble with a spell since he was a child.
"Ah, Mister Lupin," said a smooth voice from the back of the crowded room, and Lucius Malfoy was suddenly at Remus' elbow.
"Hello, Lucius," Remus said casually, glancing about the room with a bit of a smile. Lucius noted the direction of his gaze and nodded approvingly.
"Yes, I think it's quite crowded enough. We'll never be noticed; even if we are, we both have suitable excuses, I trust?"
"Yeah, of course. Sirius is probably going to be headed out to eat in about five minutes; if I return before he leaves, he'll cover for me, and never know he's doing it."
"Excellent. Now, I believe we have business to discuss . . . ?"
"Who?"
"Lily Evans, soon to be Lily Potter."
"I won't do that to James. Plain and simple." His voice was surprisingly steady, even knowing what Lucius could do to him - or, rather, what he could have done to him.
For Lucius Malfoy was a powerful man, according to Lord Voldemort's standards, and one word from him could put an end to Lupin, permanently speaking. But he would not go along with this. And for a moment, he was glad of the wolf instincts his canine form instilled in him even in his human form - for it was the wolf's loyalty, along with its careless disregard for the threat Lucius posed, that gave him the strength to do this, to deny himself such power.
"You can't back out now. We've got enough dirt on you to keep you in Azkaban for life, Remus."
"Then I suppose we can all go together, eh? I've got proof, you know."
"You should have been a lawyer. You would've been good at it. Maybe as good at that as you are at lying to your friends."
"Why do you think I'm stopping this?"
"Guilt. And regret. But I'm telling you now - you'll regret this, Lupin. We'll make sure you regret this until the day you die."
"Regret it? In time, perhaps. But not tonight, Malfoy. Not tonight."
* * * *
I'm no angel, but please don't think that I won't try and try
I'm no angel, but does that mean that I can't live my life
I'm no angel, but please don't think that I can't cry
I'm no angel, but does that mean that I won't fly
* * * *
"It's not fair," Severus snarled.
Not that it had ever been fair, he admitted. Nothing was fair. Life wasn't fair, love wasn't fair, and war was the exact opposite of fair. He knew. Because Severus Snape, the model Slytherin, was living the ultimate Slytherin dream, and not liking it one bit.
Lord Voldemort had no end of servants, the majority of whom were a thousand times more loyal to his cause than twenty-two-year-old Severus. But Snape was the only one of Voldemort's slaves - he considered that a much better way to describe it - who was reasonably close to Dumbledore, and, therefore, very important to Voldemort's plans.
And though Snape was finding out that Voldemort's vision of the future did not at all suit him, he could find no way out. To surrender himself to the aurors would mean a lifetime in Azkaban, to betray Dumbledore was to spend the rest of his life - however long that might be - hating himself for what he was doing.
"Great choices," he sighed, the familiar bitterness forcing its way into his voice. He'd been driven to this by a mere chance; he'd never imagined himself like this. He was not evil - no angel, perhaps, but certainly not evil. Lot of good that did him now.
And he had no one he could trust. Lily had been one of his best friends once, but no longer. He missed her; she'd been one of the few people that had ever believed in him. Now, of course, he knew her confidence had been unfounded. Just take a look at what he'd become.
He glanced sideways at the mirror. His eyes held none of their old innocence; dark and dangerous, they reflected everything he'd become. Everything he hated.
In a fury, he lashed out at the mirror, not with his fists, as any other might have, but with sheer will, relying on his magical prowess to accomplish the task. The mirror shattered, but he made no move to protect himself from the glass shrapnel.
Sometimes it all seemed so incredibly pointless.
* * * *
I know I'm not around each night
And I know I always think I'm right
I can believe that you might look around
* * * *
"Lily, I'll be back. I promise." The clear exasperation in James Potter's voice made him wince.
"That's what you always say, James, but what if one time you're wrong? What if one of these times you don't come back?" Lily demanded. Her clear green eyes searched James' blue ones, and he sighed.
"Lil, you know I can't just sit here while Voldemort's trying to ruin our world. And what about you, huh? If he wins, he'll wipe out Hogwarts, he'll wipe out Muggle-borns, he'll destroy anything and everything he doesn't completely agree with. You know that."
"Yes," she whispered. "But if you fight him, then you'll be one of those things he disagrees with."
"So I'm just supposed to sit here? Sit here and wait for him to win, so he can come after you? I can't do that."
"So it doesn't matter what I want?" she threw at him. "You don't care about this world; you and Sirius are just looking for a chance to go off and fight someone. This isn't about me anymore, is it?"
"Of course it's about you!"
They stood glaring at each other for a moment, then James snatched his cloak off the chair and headed for the door. He shut the door behind him, almost slamming it in frustration. He stood there indecisively in the pouring rain for a moment, then apparated to Remus' place in Hogsmeade. Sirius would undoubtedly be there, and perhaps the three of them could find a way out of this mess.
If there was a way out.
* * * *
I'm no angel, but please don't think that I won't try and try
I'm no angel, but does that mean that I can't live my life
I'm no angel, but please don't think that I can't cry
I'm no angel, but does that mean that I won't fly?