"Scully! I've just gotten word about this really weird case-"
"Ok, Mulder, who was killed or kidnapped by aliens and how?"
"No, nothing like that!"
"Strange disappearances?"
"No!"
"Bodies turning up in unusual places?"
"No, not this time."
"Giant monster sightings with strange psychological repercussions?"
"Nope!"
"More dentists planting mind-controlling devices in our brains through cavity fillings?"
"I told you, that wasn't my fault! It was a false lead! And anyway, it isn't anything like that."
"You mean, this is actually a normal case, one that isn't caused by aliens or supernatural spirits or ugly fanged monsters or bad, wicked, evil bald men with nasty cackles?"
"You should know by now that none of our cases are normal."
"I know." *massive sigh* "What's up this time, Mulder?"
"Mass energy drainings. In Tokyo. And all the victims claim to have been saved by angels in miniskirts."
Long pause.
"Do I even want to know?"
"It's been happening for the past couple years! Nobody has ever investigated it before!"
"Listen, Mulder, I'm really, really, really busy. Why don't you take this case on your own?"
"Busy with what?"
"Um…. Oh no Mulder! You're going all static-y! Bsssshhhhh" *Scully makes static noises* "I can't hear you! Oh Bsshhhhhh." *beep*
"Fine, I'll take this case on my own. Tokyo, here I come!"
MULDER MOON
Chapter One: The V Files
"So this is Tokyo." *waits for a couple minutes for some weirdo to attack him or tell him to beware. Nothing happens.* "I think I'll call Scully." *beep bloop bloop bleep beep beep beep.*
"Agent Scully."
"Hey, Scully, guess where I am?"
"With any luck, in the belly of your mothership taking you back home."
"What was that?"
"Nothing, nothing. So, where are you?"
"I'll give you a hint: I'm looking at the Eiffel Tower right now."
"Paris?"
"No, TOKYO! Scully, you need to brush up on your geography!"
*beep*
"[CENSORED]! She hung up. Oh well."
*A girl with long blond hair a huge red bow suddenly stops, and turns to stare at him. Mulder adjusts his tie and gives her his best grin. She gasps, pretends to faint, and then rushes over, grabs the lapels of his shirt, and starts jumping up and down with excitement.*
"It's you! It's you! It's you!"
"Who's me?"
"David Duchovny!"
"Who?"
"You're on the X-Files! Don't deny it!"
"Aha! You're psychic, aren't you? I've found a psychic on my first try!" *whips out a notebook* "Tell me, young lady, have you ever had any brain tumors?"
"No, but my cat tells me I have a metal plate in my head."
"Your cat can talk?"
"Well, I don't think I'm supposed to tell people that, but since it's you, Mr. David, sir."
"The name's Fox. Fox Mulder."
"Ohhhh," *wink wink, nudge nudge,* "going 'undercover', eh? What, is there a hidden camera on you somewhere?" *starts to pat his clothes up and down. Mulder puts up with it for a few minutes.*
"Hey! Get your hands off my chest, please!"
"Are you sure you don't have a hidden camera somewhere, *Fox*?"
"A paranoid paranormal. Perfect. Scully will *have* to come here now."
"Scully?" *face turns funny colors* "NO! Not SCULLY! You're MINE! You belong to ME! I want you, and she can't have you! She's ugly anyway! MINE!" *She leaps into Mulder's arms. He doesn't catch her, and she falls to the ground.*
"Listen," *flashes badge*, "I'm an FBI agent, working on-"
"No you aren't."
"Yes I am."
"No you aren't!"
"Yes, I AM."
"You aren't an FBI agent, you're an actor!"
*considers this for a moment.* "Am I a *good* actor?"
"Well, you don't have much of a movie career. But you're a *cute* actor."
"I knew that already, but thanks anyway."
"I'm Mina, by the way, but I'd *love* it if you called me 'Minako-chan.'"
"Oh boy, if even *I* think you're a nutcase… I wonder what Scully would make of you?"
"NOT SCULLY!" *Mina screams, and puts her hands over her ears.* "Not her! She doesn't deserve you!"
"Scully!"
"NO!"
"Scully!"
"NO!"
"Scully Scully Scully Scully Scully Scully Scully Scully!"
"NOOOO! Shut up!"
"You shut up!"
"YOU shut up!"
"You shut up!"
"I have a transformation pen and I know how to use it!" *brandishes it dangerously.*
"Well, I have a gun."
*Mina stares blankly.* "Really?"
"Yeah, wanna see?"
"OK, you can say 'Scully' if you *have* to, but I still think it's disgusting."
"What?"
"That you're the father of her baby."
"I'm the WHAT?"
"Oops, heh heh, gave away something, didn't I?"
"But Scully and I never-" *turns red*
"I knew she didn't deserve you!" *sidles up to him* "You can be the father of my baby ANYTIME!"
*Mulder resists the urge to yell "GET AWAY FROM ME PERVERT!" and instead begins to question her about the case.*
"So, do you know anything about the mass energy drainings?"
"Yeah! I'd love to tell you about them sometime." *Mina looks at her watch.* "But since it's been about ten minutes and nothing's happened yet, I think we're due. You can just watch." *Thinks for a moment.* "You don't happen to have a pure heart, do you?"
"Um… I'd like to think so."
"Uh-oh."
"Ok, Mulder, who was killed or kidnapped by aliens and how?"
"No, nothing like that!"
"Strange disappearances?"
"No!"
"Bodies turning up in unusual places?"
"No, not this time."
"Giant monster sightings with strange psychological repercussions?"
"Nope!"
"More dentists planting mind-controlling devices in our brains through cavity fillings?"
"I told you, that wasn't my fault! It was a false lead! And anyway, it isn't anything like that."
"You mean, this is actually a normal case, one that isn't caused by aliens or supernatural spirits or ugly fanged monsters or bad, wicked, evil bald men with nasty cackles?"
"You should know by now that none of our cases are normal."
"I know." *massive sigh* "What's up this time, Mulder?"
"Mass energy drainings. In Tokyo. And all the victims claim to have been saved by angels in miniskirts."
Long pause.
"Do I even want to know?"
"It's been happening for the past couple years! Nobody has ever investigated it before!"
"Listen, Mulder, I'm really, really, really busy. Why don't you take this case on your own?"
"Busy with what?"
"Um…. Oh no Mulder! You're going all static-y! Bsssshhhhh" *Scully makes static noises* "I can't hear you! Oh Bsshhhhhh." *beep*
"Fine, I'll take this case on my own. Tokyo, here I come!"
MULDER MOON
Chapter One: The V Files
"So this is Tokyo." *waits for a couple minutes for some weirdo to attack him or tell him to beware. Nothing happens.* "I think I'll call Scully." *beep bloop bloop bleep beep beep beep.*
"Agent Scully."
"Hey, Scully, guess where I am?"
"With any luck, in the belly of your mothership taking you back home."
"What was that?"
"Nothing, nothing. So, where are you?"
"I'll give you a hint: I'm looking at the Eiffel Tower right now."
"Paris?"
"No, TOKYO! Scully, you need to brush up on your geography!"
*beep*
"[CENSORED]! She hung up. Oh well."
*A girl with long blond hair a huge red bow suddenly stops, and turns to stare at him. Mulder adjusts his tie and gives her his best grin. She gasps, pretends to faint, and then rushes over, grabs the lapels of his shirt, and starts jumping up and down with excitement.*
"It's you! It's you! It's you!"
"Who's me?"
"David Duchovny!"
"Who?"
"You're on the X-Files! Don't deny it!"
"Aha! You're psychic, aren't you? I've found a psychic on my first try!" *whips out a notebook* "Tell me, young lady, have you ever had any brain tumors?"
"No, but my cat tells me I have a metal plate in my head."
"Your cat can talk?"
"Well, I don't think I'm supposed to tell people that, but since it's you, Mr. David, sir."
"The name's Fox. Fox Mulder."
"Ohhhh," *wink wink, nudge nudge,* "going 'undercover', eh? What, is there a hidden camera on you somewhere?" *starts to pat his clothes up and down. Mulder puts up with it for a few minutes.*
"Hey! Get your hands off my chest, please!"
"Are you sure you don't have a hidden camera somewhere, *Fox*?"
"A paranoid paranormal. Perfect. Scully will *have* to come here now."
"Scully?" *face turns funny colors* "NO! Not SCULLY! You're MINE! You belong to ME! I want you, and she can't have you! She's ugly anyway! MINE!" *She leaps into Mulder's arms. He doesn't catch her, and she falls to the ground.*
"Listen," *flashes badge*, "I'm an FBI agent, working on-"
"No you aren't."
"Yes I am."
"No you aren't!"
"Yes, I AM."
"You aren't an FBI agent, you're an actor!"
*considers this for a moment.* "Am I a *good* actor?"
"Well, you don't have much of a movie career. But you're a *cute* actor."
"I knew that already, but thanks anyway."
"I'm Mina, by the way, but I'd *love* it if you called me 'Minako-chan.'"
"Oh boy, if even *I* think you're a nutcase… I wonder what Scully would make of you?"
"NOT SCULLY!" *Mina screams, and puts her hands over her ears.* "Not her! She doesn't deserve you!"
"Scully!"
"NO!"
"Scully!"
"NO!"
"Scully Scully Scully Scully Scully Scully Scully Scully!"
"NOOOO! Shut up!"
"You shut up!"
"YOU shut up!"
"You shut up!"
"I have a transformation pen and I know how to use it!" *brandishes it dangerously.*
"Well, I have a gun."
*Mina stares blankly.* "Really?"
"Yeah, wanna see?"
"OK, you can say 'Scully' if you *have* to, but I still think it's disgusting."
"What?"
"That you're the father of her baby."
"I'm the WHAT?"
"Oops, heh heh, gave away something, didn't I?"
"But Scully and I never-" *turns red*
"I knew she didn't deserve you!" *sidles up to him* "You can be the father of my baby ANYTIME!"
*Mulder resists the urge to yell "GET AWAY FROM ME PERVERT!" and instead begins to question her about the case.*
"So, do you know anything about the mass energy drainings?"
"Yeah! I'd love to tell you about them sometime." *Mina looks at her watch.* "But since it's been about ten minutes and nothing's happened yet, I think we're due. You can just watch." *Thinks for a moment.* "You don't happen to have a pure heart, do you?"
"Um… I'd like to think so."
"Uh-oh."