Trickle - 2 - Hands
[I've just never felt hands that cold before.]
.
I tried to ignore the way he was smiling at me; it looked so playful and kind. But how could I ignore something like that?
The only thing I could think of was walking back towards Balamb Garden's entrance, turning my back to him.
"Ah, so I take it you're giving me the silent treatment?"
I stayed quiet for a while.
"No, I'm just going for a little walk."
"Great! I have nothing to do; I think I'll join you!"
I let out a disappointed moan so he wouldn't see how happy I was, good thing my back was turned to him. Other wise, he would've seen the huge smile spread across my lips.
He jogged up and walked beside me.
"Shouldn't you be asleep or something?" I asked trying to sound annoyed.
Shut up Quistis! This is what you wanted isn't it? Do you want to scare him away and end up walking around out here alone until your boredom gets the best of you and your eyelids are too heavy to hold open?!
"No." He answered innocently, removing his gloves.
"Oh yes, I forgot you're Seifer; the one who never sleeps, the one who wrecks havoc when there is no one awake to stop you. Well, sorry to burst your bubble "Mr. Rebel", but I'm awake." I said snottily, crossing my arms.
"Haha, you know you're pretty funny when you get annoyed!" He said laughing at my desperate act to seem cool and collected around him.
I didn't know whether to take that as a compliment or an insult, I just turned my head to my left and let out a little smirk that ended up sounding more like a sneeze.
"Bless you?" He said questioningly, not sure if what I just did was a cough or a sneeze.
I didn't say anything.
"Anyway, what are you doing out here? Students aren't supposed to be outside of Balamb after 8:00 p.m. unless they're out on missions."
"What makes you think I was outside of Balamb?"
"Oh come on Seifer, I only saw you walking from the gates."
"Ah, shows how much of an observer you are!"
I gave him a confused look.
He laughed.
"Oh my dear Quistis, I was only exploring Balamb. You know, it's harder to see all the impurities of this school when you're viewing it in the dark."
He tucked his gloves into the pockets of his pants and looked at me to see my reaction for listening to him bash the school which I taught in.
I didn't say anything.
"Find anything special?"
"Yeah, I did actually, it's this great little…hole, I guess you could call it."
"A hole."
"Yeah, it'd be a great place to hide out if the school was ever under attack. Would you like to see it?"
Of course I wanted to see it! Not only did I want to see what was so special about it, but I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could.
"Sure, I guess."
"Great, it's this way." He pointed towards the entrance of the school.
We walked in silence. I was beginning to hate it. The only thing you could hear was our footsteps lightly touching the gravel and an occasional sniff from Seifer, whom I'm guessing was developing a cold.
I had to break the silence.
"No Fujin or Raijin tonight?" I asked smiling and looking at him.
He pressed his lips tight and shook his head with a look on his face like he never used to spend his days and nights hanging out with those two.
"Oh."
"Sometimes they get on my nerves. They're just a bunch of assholes. They think I can't see how they only agree with me to get on my good side."
"I thought I was the only one who noticed that." I said half-serious.
He didn't say anything.
We reached the gates and he gently grabbed my arm. Each finger wrapped around my skin, and he led me to this little path on just the opposite of the entrance.
Oh, please don't let go.
"Yeah, sometimes it's better to be left alone than be surrounded by idiots all of the time."
He added, letting go of my arm and placing his hands into his pockets.
"I know what you mean, but when I used to see you guys together all three of you always looked like you were having such a grand time."
I replied, acting like I never noticed that he grabbed my arm and held onto longer than he should have.
"Well, like I said earlier…shows how much of an observer you are. That laughter and those smiles weren't real."
A normal person wouldn't stand here and take insults, but I guess he's right. I'm not a good observer. All I know is I wished I could've been around him when he was smiling and laughing; even if it wasn't real. God, what's my problem?
I looked down at the dirt path we were walking. I've seen this path before and I've seen students walking it. I've walked it once, but I don't remember a "hole".
"So are we almost there, or is this going to take longer?"
"It's up ahead, a little bit more. You're the one who agreed to see it, so you shouldn't be complaining." He said seriously.
He was right. Oh no, am I getting on his bad side? Was I ever on his good side?
He began walking towards a "Restricted Area".
"Seifer, what are you doing? You can't go back there, alarms will sound off everywhere!"
I said, sounding a bit excited and nervous.
"Man Quistis, you have to learn how to live a little. However, your living is going to have to start somewhere else because a couple other guys and I already turned the alarm off."
He walked over and lifted up the rope that was blocking our path.
I closed my eyes and waited for the alarm to start shrieking in our ears.
Nothing happened.
"Is there an approximate time you're waiting to enter, or can you come in now?"
He stood there holding the rope up, waiting for me to walk under.
I looked at the ground, shook my head slowly and entered the area.
"Did you really think I would get my very own instructor in trouble?" He asked, patting my back.
I smiled at an angle that he could see.
"Why Ms.Trepe, I think that's the first real smile I've seen in a long time!" He said rubbing his hands together as if he were cold.
I ignored his comment.
"Your hands are cold?" I asked, surprised.
It was so nice outside, not one breeze of cold air.
"They're always cold; naturally."
"Can I feel?"
I suddenly felt stupid. I could've just believed him, but I wanted to feel them.
He looked down at them to see what was so special about touching cold hands and held one out to me.
There it was, outstretched, waiting for me to touch it.
I kind of just stared at them and looked back at him.
I expected him to be staring at me with a bored look, but instead he kept walking with his hand held out to me, focused on our destination.
I reached out and grabbed it. His hands looked so different. Maybe it was the darkness. Maybe it's because they weren't covered in gloves. But the hands that I was so used to seeing hurt people, now looked so defenseless and gentle.
I ran my finger down each one of his, noticing how cold they really were.
When I rolled my finger down the center of his hand his fingers closed suddenly and he pulled away.
"Are you trying to read my fortune or something?" He shoved his hands back into his pockets quickly.
"No, it's just that I---"
Come on, get it out.
"I just never---"
Come on! You're so close to saying it.
"I've just never felt hands that cold before."
...
"Sure you haven't."
"I haven't!" I added, trying to lead him to believe that I didn't want to pour everything I have tangled up inside of me, into his hands for him to sort out.
"Mm-Hmm." He said through his smiling lips.
Oh God, does he know?
"Look, I'm getting kind of tired; I think I'm going to head inside now."
I said, faking fatigue.
"Oh." He said disappointed.
"Maybe you would like to see it tomorrow night?" He asked hopefully.
"Sure, sure." I said, reassuring him that it didn't really matter to me.
"Okay."
I looked at him, waiting to see if he would start begging me to stay.
He didn't. He just stood there and waited for me to turn around and start walking all the way back.
"Right. So, Goodnight Seifer."
"Goodnight Quisty!" He said mimicking the excited-ness that's always in Selphie's voice.
I tried to make a disgusted face at him, but it turned more into a laugh.
Wishing I didn't say I was leaving, I started walking back to the rope he held up for me earlier.
A little bit down the path, I turned to see if he was still standing there looking at me.
He wasn't. He was walking towards "The hole", I guess, which he was so excited to show me.
Dammit Quistis! What the hell is your problem? You know you're not going to go to sleep when you get to your room! You had him where you wanted, alone and strange enough in a joking around-happy form.
I covered my eyes in disgust with myself and walked back to my silent, empty room.
[Since we're feeling so anesthetized in our comfort zone; it reminds me of the second time that I followed you home.]
- Placebo