Trickle - 8 - Fading
[How do you not cry, when you see your life die right in front of you?]
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April 6
"I still can't believe what happened. I knew someday that I would tell him everything. I just never thought he'd walk away after I said it. Of course, if I told anyone what's going on right now they'd say "Oh yeah, that's Seifer. Just ignore him, he's always like that." But, how do you ignore a dream that keeps recurring in your mind? How do you ignore painful words scarred on your body? How do you look away when beauty smiles at you? How do you breathe when your breath was just taken away? How do you not cry when you see your life die right in front of you? How do you turn your back from the only thing that ever made you happy? How do live your life knowing that nobody cares about you?"
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April 7
"Nobody knows where Seifer is. I left my room today and when I asked for him people spoke of him as if they didn't even know he existed. Where is he? Is he okay? Is it my fault that he left without saying anything, or is this something Seifer would do? I hope he returns soon, and safely."
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April 11
"I haven't left my room for 3 days now and people are talking about me as if I died. I'm pretty sure that everyone notices that with Seifer gone, I'm gone. He still didn't come back. I speak to Selphie through my door. She brings me things to eat once and awhile when no one is in the halls. She told me that she's telling the people who work in the office that I came down with something and I'm not going to be able to teach any classes for a while. She also keeps me posted on what's going on with Seifer. Oh, how I love her. I can't let her in though, I'm too afraid to find bystanders with her if I do open the door. Nobody is ever going to see me like this. They could hear me; fine, I don't care. They're just not going to see me."
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April 16
"He still didn't come back. Where the hell is he? Is he alive?"
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April 17
"I want to start screaming so loud that I feel better, but soft enough that no one would hear me. I want to cry hard enough that I'll never have to cry again but not so much that someone would notice. I want to smile so wide that I could die happy, but not wide enough for people to question me. I want to run away and never come back and never miss the people that meant something to me. I want to be able to touch him and not end up knowing he never even felt me. I want to just go away, and know that someone misses me."
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[If you go away on this summer day, then you might as well take the sun away.]
- Emiliana Torrini