Persephone's Dilemma
a work of Card Captor Sakura fanfiction
by Michelle Thatcher
--------------------------------------------------------------
Card Captor Sakura belongs to the ladies of CLAMP. I am using
these characters and situations without the permission of their
owners.
This story contains SPOILERS for the entire manga series. You
have been warned.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Turning. The leaves were turning. Yellow, red, orange. And
soon it would snow and soon it would thaw and soon it would be
Summer again. Soon. Too soon.
Professor Kinomoto Sakura had nothing against the turning of
the seasons, per se. It was just that on this particular
autumn day she was feeling the passage of the years more
keenly than she usually did. And on the long walk from work
to the house, she'd have plenty of time for needed meditation.
It was sometimes like this in the fall. There were years when
she just couldn't watch so many things die without a surge of
melancholy longing for the loved ones that time and the perils
of mortality had taken from her. Friends, lovers, ... family.
You didn't get to be the most powerful magician on the Eastern
Hemisphere without developing a healthy respect for the cycles
of natural life. That, however, didn't stop it from hurting
when your best friend since first grade looks up at you
through her ever thicker lenses and gives you that same smile
of absolute adoration that's warmed you your entire life while
your internal sense of the workings of fate tells you that her
heart will give out in less than a month. It doesn't stop the
sense of longing you have to gently seize her hand, to feel
the wrinkled skin against yours, still as smooth as it was
seventy years ago and will the life back into her
deteriorating body.
But magic doesn't work that way. It doesn't keep time from
passing. At least not for long. It can protect those around
you from fire and famine and flood, but not from fate. And
not from the frailties of humanity. One by one, they fell.
And now her father's time was coming. Not after taking a
stand against the darkness like her beautiful Syaoran or after
a sudden and peaceful fall like Tomoyo-chan or a lingering
illness like onii-chan, but by his own choice.
He'd come to visit her at work bringing the home-made sweet
bean treats she'd once loved so much to this same college
where he himself had taught archaeology for fifty years. She'd
known immediately that something in him had changed. He had
always carried with him a sense of serenity, but today it had
seemed deeper than ever. A wave of calm that washed over her
as the man who had always taken such good care of her walked
in to her office for what would almost certainly be the last
time.
"I'm tired, Sakura-san," he had said. "And Nadeshiko-san is
waiting for me."
She had cried then. She'd been unable to keep herself from
shaking as he held her and silently begged for her
understanding.
And she did understand. More and more as she lost her loved
ones she understood what he must feel having the power, but
not the will to extend his life into centuries. The
overwhelming sense of weariness that flowed through those who
watched virtually unchanging as the world went on turning and
turning.
But she'd be so lonely without him.
She turned the key automatically, barely even aware that she'd
reached home. It was a traditional and necessarily large
Japanese home full of color and memory and the tools of her
life's work. More importantly at this moment, however, was
the fact that it was full of love. Full of friendship.
Besides which, her slippers and her favorite chair were
expecting her, and she didn't want to keep them waiting.
She was almost glad that the house was somewhat chill when she
walked into her personal study. It gave her an excuse to
point authoritatively at the fireplace and watch the flames
snap to attention. It was a little trick that Syaoran had
taught her when they were both children. One that she'd
improved upon a little. A nice gentle fire. Something
cheerful to help her get over this gloom.
Keroberus poked his nose through the door, then padded over
and put his head solidly in her lap. She absently reached
over to scratch his ears as he looked at her in concern. He
waited, gave her time to volunteer her feelings, but when she
continued to sit silently staring into the flames, he raised
his head and spoke. "What is it, Sakura-chan?"
Slowly, her eyes drifted away from the flames and down to meet
his. She wanted to speak, but at first it was too much. Too
much loss. Too much sudden loneliness. But there was
sympathy in his golden eyes, and eventually the necessity of
passing on the news was able to make its way to the surface.
"Kero-chan," she said quietly. "Would you bring Yue here? I
need to talk to both of you."
He padded back two steps, made the deep subservient bow that
he knew she'd never have required of him, and backed out of
the room.
She sat back a little further and sighed, Hard as this was
going to be, she couldn't help feeling a rush of gratitude for
her sun guardian. His cheerful and friendly nature helped her
to keep her own outlook positive and warm, and supported her
in times like these.
He returned long moments later and pressed his head back into
her lap purring loudly. Subtle, she thought, almost laughing
as new tears began to gather in her eyes. When Yue walked in,
his posture as straight and proud as ever, she had begun
weeping again.
As much as she hated burdening them with the extent of her
pain, she couldn't seem to stop the shining tears that fell
onto her shirt as her second guardian walked slowly to her
side.
"What is it, master?" he asked calmly. His composure was as
thorough as ever, but more than a century of his company had
taught her better than to believe him apathetic. He showed
his love differently than her Kero-chan, but it was always
just as strong. Always just as absolute. And as she met his
eyes through the tears, the same gratitude for him made its
presence felt in her heart. For a moment, though, it was
accompanied by another sensation. An echo of longing. Of old
pain that seemed somehow magnified by the loss she was already
feeling. Seconds later she dismissed it in favor of the
matter at hand.
Pulling together her strength, she addressed them. "My father
has asked for my help," she confided. "He wishes to put all
of his business and personal concerns in the best order
possible. There are a few loose ends to be dealt with
before..."
How tight her throat suddenly felt. How her voice wavered.
She stopped for a moment to gather what she could of her
composure. Keroberus closed his eyes in understanding, his
purring resumed gently. Yue knelt and placed one hand quietly
on her shoulder. She felt strength flowing into her and
didn't know if it was a natural reaction to their show of
support, or if they were truly sending power through their
mystical connections to her. Whatever the cause, it gave her
the courage to continue.
"I think we all knew this day would eventually come. As
strong as he is, his heart has never been focused on power or
influence. More and more these last few years, we've seen
glimpses of how tired he's become. I know that he wants to be
with mother."
Her hands clenched for a moment and she closed her eyes
tightly. "I want to be selfish. I want to cry and complain
and convince him that I need him."
Yue's grip tightened a little. Friendship. That was what
would get her through this. On the day that Yue had
acknowledged her as his new master, she'd told him that she
didn't want a servant. That she hoped instead that they could
all be friends. And her friends would see her through even
this.
"I know some of what he must be feeling." She couldn't afford
to think about Syaoran. Not now. There'd be time to relive
that loss along with the others when this crisis was over.
Time to feel it all and put it into the perspective that the
years allowed her. Mountains of time. "He deserves my
support. He needs me, and I won't let him down. I can't."
She looked at both of them in turn and the calm was much
easier to find this time. "I know that I can count on both of
you. I just hope..." She smiled weakly. Ironically. "I
just hope that I'm up to this."
"Of course you are," said Yue. "You've always been up to
whatever you needed to be."
She sighed. "I've felt pretty helpless from time to time.
Like when..."
Almost without meaning to, she looked into Yue's eyes.
Searching...
The shadow was still there. The longing for something lost
long ago. He remembered. Her greatest failure. The biggest
regret of her life. They had both suffered so much from the
loss of her older brother. For Sakura it had been more than
just a great personal tragedy, it had been a painful reminder
of her history of magical failures. She had learned much from
those days, but at a truly high cost. And because she hadn't
been strong enough back then, he had faded away. The one man
whose power might easily have surpassed her own. The person
who should be standing beside her facing the difficult tasks
ahead. And Yue had lost much more...
"But it's never felt like this," she said, breaking free of
another painful reflection. "I know it's silly, but I feel so
... abandoned. Like some lost child. At my age!"
"You'll be fine, Sakura-chan. You're just in shock." said
Keroberus resettling his enormous white wings. Such
impractical things for inside buildings, she mused briefly,
but they certainly were beautiful. Just the thing for her sun
powered lion warrior. Her predecessor Clow Reed had certainly
had a flare for the dramatic.
And he too had lived for centuries and spent the end of his
days setting his affairs in order. But oh, how much there had
been to set in order. Events far in the future he'd had to
foresee with amazing clairvoyance. Necessity driven, but
still frightening and terrible to the people whose lives they
had affected years and years after his death. But that was
the price for creating such new magics. Magics that had
become eternal just as his creations the guardians had become
eternal. His own eventual mortality demanded that he prepare
for the proper use of his creations.
It was an awesome and terrible stewardship. One that weighed
upon her more heavily every day of her life. But worst of all
was the knowledge that whether in weeks or centuries, her own
mortality would some day begin to make itself felt. And
though she knew that the idea of greeting her own death was
becoming more and more welcome with the passing of each new
year, the prospect of arranging the details of finding her own
successor was incredibly intimidating. Just thinking about it
made her weary from scalp to toenails.
Necessity.
And so her own time of relief would have to wait, because on
the day her brother had died, she'd made a deep and binding
promise. A promise that before she gave in to mortality, she
would be ready to re-settle the burden of her legacy and Clow's
as painlessly as possible upon her heir. It would probably
take centuries of work and worry, but she was more determined
at this moment than she had ever been before. She'd miss her
father, but she wouldn't follow him. Not until ...
_Syaoran,_ she vowed. _Tomoyo-chan, Onii-chan. I won't fail.
I won't let anyone else suffer what we suffered. No one will
have to face the fear or the loss that took away our
childhood. I won't allow it. I promise. I'll see you all
again one day, but there are some things I have to do first._
She smiled through her tears as a feeling of peace welled up
inside her. They knew. They understood. And her confidence
surged.
Looking down at her guardians once more, she wondered how much
they understood. Whether or not they knew what fire it was
that would drive her work from now on. "Thank you both," she
said. "Thank you for everything. I know I can count on you."
It wouldn't be easy, but she wouldn't be alone. She would
never be alone.
And that made all the difference.
--------------------------------------------------------------
The End
--------------------------------------------------------------
I would like to send a huge thank you to my wonderfully insightful
and encouraging pre-readers for this story, Krista Perry,
Anand Rao, and Donny Cheng.
Thanks for reading and please feel free to send any comments
or questions you have about this story to misha@cybergal.com.
a work of Card Captor Sakura fanfiction
by Michelle Thatcher
--------------------------------------------------------------
Card Captor Sakura belongs to the ladies of CLAMP. I am using
these characters and situations without the permission of their
owners.
This story contains SPOILERS for the entire manga series. You
have been warned.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Turning. The leaves were turning. Yellow, red, orange. And
soon it would snow and soon it would thaw and soon it would be
Summer again. Soon. Too soon.
Professor Kinomoto Sakura had nothing against the turning of
the seasons, per se. It was just that on this particular
autumn day she was feeling the passage of the years more
keenly than she usually did. And on the long walk from work
to the house, she'd have plenty of time for needed meditation.
It was sometimes like this in the fall. There were years when
she just couldn't watch so many things die without a surge of
melancholy longing for the loved ones that time and the perils
of mortality had taken from her. Friends, lovers, ... family.
You didn't get to be the most powerful magician on the Eastern
Hemisphere without developing a healthy respect for the cycles
of natural life. That, however, didn't stop it from hurting
when your best friend since first grade looks up at you
through her ever thicker lenses and gives you that same smile
of absolute adoration that's warmed you your entire life while
your internal sense of the workings of fate tells you that her
heart will give out in less than a month. It doesn't stop the
sense of longing you have to gently seize her hand, to feel
the wrinkled skin against yours, still as smooth as it was
seventy years ago and will the life back into her
deteriorating body.
But magic doesn't work that way. It doesn't keep time from
passing. At least not for long. It can protect those around
you from fire and famine and flood, but not from fate. And
not from the frailties of humanity. One by one, they fell.
And now her father's time was coming. Not after taking a
stand against the darkness like her beautiful Syaoran or after
a sudden and peaceful fall like Tomoyo-chan or a lingering
illness like onii-chan, but by his own choice.
He'd come to visit her at work bringing the home-made sweet
bean treats she'd once loved so much to this same college
where he himself had taught archaeology for fifty years. She'd
known immediately that something in him had changed. He had
always carried with him a sense of serenity, but today it had
seemed deeper than ever. A wave of calm that washed over her
as the man who had always taken such good care of her walked
in to her office for what would almost certainly be the last
time.
"I'm tired, Sakura-san," he had said. "And Nadeshiko-san is
waiting for me."
She had cried then. She'd been unable to keep herself from
shaking as he held her and silently begged for her
understanding.
And she did understand. More and more as she lost her loved
ones she understood what he must feel having the power, but
not the will to extend his life into centuries. The
overwhelming sense of weariness that flowed through those who
watched virtually unchanging as the world went on turning and
turning.
But she'd be so lonely without him.
She turned the key automatically, barely even aware that she'd
reached home. It was a traditional and necessarily large
Japanese home full of color and memory and the tools of her
life's work. More importantly at this moment, however, was
the fact that it was full of love. Full of friendship.
Besides which, her slippers and her favorite chair were
expecting her, and she didn't want to keep them waiting.
She was almost glad that the house was somewhat chill when she
walked into her personal study. It gave her an excuse to
point authoritatively at the fireplace and watch the flames
snap to attention. It was a little trick that Syaoran had
taught her when they were both children. One that she'd
improved upon a little. A nice gentle fire. Something
cheerful to help her get over this gloom.
Keroberus poked his nose through the door, then padded over
and put his head solidly in her lap. She absently reached
over to scratch his ears as he looked at her in concern. He
waited, gave her time to volunteer her feelings, but when she
continued to sit silently staring into the flames, he raised
his head and spoke. "What is it, Sakura-chan?"
Slowly, her eyes drifted away from the flames and down to meet
his. She wanted to speak, but at first it was too much. Too
much loss. Too much sudden loneliness. But there was
sympathy in his golden eyes, and eventually the necessity of
passing on the news was able to make its way to the surface.
"Kero-chan," she said quietly. "Would you bring Yue here? I
need to talk to both of you."
He padded back two steps, made the deep subservient bow that
he knew she'd never have required of him, and backed out of
the room.
She sat back a little further and sighed, Hard as this was
going to be, she couldn't help feeling a rush of gratitude for
her sun guardian. His cheerful and friendly nature helped her
to keep her own outlook positive and warm, and supported her
in times like these.
He returned long moments later and pressed his head back into
her lap purring loudly. Subtle, she thought, almost laughing
as new tears began to gather in her eyes. When Yue walked in,
his posture as straight and proud as ever, she had begun
weeping again.
As much as she hated burdening them with the extent of her
pain, she couldn't seem to stop the shining tears that fell
onto her shirt as her second guardian walked slowly to her
side.
"What is it, master?" he asked calmly. His composure was as
thorough as ever, but more than a century of his company had
taught her better than to believe him apathetic. He showed
his love differently than her Kero-chan, but it was always
just as strong. Always just as absolute. And as she met his
eyes through the tears, the same gratitude for him made its
presence felt in her heart. For a moment, though, it was
accompanied by another sensation. An echo of longing. Of old
pain that seemed somehow magnified by the loss she was already
feeling. Seconds later she dismissed it in favor of the
matter at hand.
Pulling together her strength, she addressed them. "My father
has asked for my help," she confided. "He wishes to put all
of his business and personal concerns in the best order
possible. There are a few loose ends to be dealt with
before..."
How tight her throat suddenly felt. How her voice wavered.
She stopped for a moment to gather what she could of her
composure. Keroberus closed his eyes in understanding, his
purring resumed gently. Yue knelt and placed one hand quietly
on her shoulder. She felt strength flowing into her and
didn't know if it was a natural reaction to their show of
support, or if they were truly sending power through their
mystical connections to her. Whatever the cause, it gave her
the courage to continue.
"I think we all knew this day would eventually come. As
strong as he is, his heart has never been focused on power or
influence. More and more these last few years, we've seen
glimpses of how tired he's become. I know that he wants to be
with mother."
Her hands clenched for a moment and she closed her eyes
tightly. "I want to be selfish. I want to cry and complain
and convince him that I need him."
Yue's grip tightened a little. Friendship. That was what
would get her through this. On the day that Yue had
acknowledged her as his new master, she'd told him that she
didn't want a servant. That she hoped instead that they could
all be friends. And her friends would see her through even
this.
"I know some of what he must be feeling." She couldn't afford
to think about Syaoran. Not now. There'd be time to relive
that loss along with the others when this crisis was over.
Time to feel it all and put it into the perspective that the
years allowed her. Mountains of time. "He deserves my
support. He needs me, and I won't let him down. I can't."
She looked at both of them in turn and the calm was much
easier to find this time. "I know that I can count on both of
you. I just hope..." She smiled weakly. Ironically. "I
just hope that I'm up to this."
"Of course you are," said Yue. "You've always been up to
whatever you needed to be."
She sighed. "I've felt pretty helpless from time to time.
Like when..."
Almost without meaning to, she looked into Yue's eyes.
Searching...
The shadow was still there. The longing for something lost
long ago. He remembered. Her greatest failure. The biggest
regret of her life. They had both suffered so much from the
loss of her older brother. For Sakura it had been more than
just a great personal tragedy, it had been a painful reminder
of her history of magical failures. She had learned much from
those days, but at a truly high cost. And because she hadn't
been strong enough back then, he had faded away. The one man
whose power might easily have surpassed her own. The person
who should be standing beside her facing the difficult tasks
ahead. And Yue had lost much more...
"But it's never felt like this," she said, breaking free of
another painful reflection. "I know it's silly, but I feel so
... abandoned. Like some lost child. At my age!"
"You'll be fine, Sakura-chan. You're just in shock." said
Keroberus resettling his enormous white wings. Such
impractical things for inside buildings, she mused briefly,
but they certainly were beautiful. Just the thing for her sun
powered lion warrior. Her predecessor Clow Reed had certainly
had a flare for the dramatic.
And he too had lived for centuries and spent the end of his
days setting his affairs in order. But oh, how much there had
been to set in order. Events far in the future he'd had to
foresee with amazing clairvoyance. Necessity driven, but
still frightening and terrible to the people whose lives they
had affected years and years after his death. But that was
the price for creating such new magics. Magics that had
become eternal just as his creations the guardians had become
eternal. His own eventual mortality demanded that he prepare
for the proper use of his creations.
It was an awesome and terrible stewardship. One that weighed
upon her more heavily every day of her life. But worst of all
was the knowledge that whether in weeks or centuries, her own
mortality would some day begin to make itself felt. And
though she knew that the idea of greeting her own death was
becoming more and more welcome with the passing of each new
year, the prospect of arranging the details of finding her own
successor was incredibly intimidating. Just thinking about it
made her weary from scalp to toenails.
Necessity.
And so her own time of relief would have to wait, because on
the day her brother had died, she'd made a deep and binding
promise. A promise that before she gave in to mortality, she
would be ready to re-settle the burden of her legacy and Clow's
as painlessly as possible upon her heir. It would probably
take centuries of work and worry, but she was more determined
at this moment than she had ever been before. She'd miss her
father, but she wouldn't follow him. Not until ...
_Syaoran,_ she vowed. _Tomoyo-chan, Onii-chan. I won't fail.
I won't let anyone else suffer what we suffered. No one will
have to face the fear or the loss that took away our
childhood. I won't allow it. I promise. I'll see you all
again one day, but there are some things I have to do first._
She smiled through her tears as a feeling of peace welled up
inside her. They knew. They understood. And her confidence
surged.
Looking down at her guardians once more, she wondered how much
they understood. Whether or not they knew what fire it was
that would drive her work from now on. "Thank you both," she
said. "Thank you for everything. I know I can count on you."
It wouldn't be easy, but she wouldn't be alone. She would
never be alone.
And that made all the difference.
--------------------------------------------------------------
The End
--------------------------------------------------------------
I would like to send a huge thank you to my wonderfully insightful
and encouraging pre-readers for this story, Krista Perry,
Anand Rao, and Donny Cheng.
Thanks for reading and please feel free to send any comments
or questions you have about this story to misha@cybergal.com.